I’ve been an ex-smoker for 2 weeks. There are things I still can’t do in the frenzy of The Quit. I can’t have cash on hand. I don’t feel comfortable socializing with friends out there in the world where people smoke. I can’t fully relax.
Manfingy is on vacation and will be until sometime in January (the first or second week, I think…he had a lot of vacation saved up because the man’s work ethic is fucking amazing!) and we are all about the hanging out, playing WoW, swilling beer, and chawing down on whatever crap we feel like in the moment.
I feel like my timing on this quit sucked ass but that’s my addict talking and I know it.
I want a cigarette so bad I can taste it, and in pretty much every dream I have, I buy them or want to buy them or steal them or want to steal them.
But even in my dreams, I don’t. Even in my dreams, I haven’t smoked.
I don’t know why I’m telling you this except that I feel pretty weak and shaky and on the verge of relapsing.
So I’m writing to you instead.
That picture up there was taken week one of my quit. The camera is all ready to do some recording. I was in love with Monday’s that day. I was in love with my work, my clearer skin, my ability to breathe, and my life. I was at peace that day.
Then that shit went down last Friday and my serenity took a nose dive. I felt infuriated. I was gobsmacked and hurting and empathically wrapped up. I felt paralyzed with grief and fury in equal measure, and I couldn’t even talk about it without wanting to spit poison & vitriol about gun control and the BULLSHIT that is stigmatizing mental illness whenever there’s a mass murder.
People call mentally ill people ‘crazy’ and assume that every person who shoots someone (or many someones) has a mental illness. I actually overheard someone say on the subject of the mentally ill “YEAH! AND THEY DON’T TAKE THEIR MEDS LIKE THEY SHOULD!”
As if the guy who walks into a school and shoots twenty children would have been prevented from doing so had he only taken his meds.
Look. The people who commit mass murder are generally psychopaths ~ due either to a physiological/genetic issue AND/OR the kind of abusive upbringing that creates a psychopath. Some people are born without empathy. To call them mentally ill is an insult to the mentally ill.
Do many psychopaths also present with mental illness. Sure. But the mental illness is not the reason they commit mass murder. The psychopathy is. And the access to assault weapons is. And the fucking media is.
Because the media glorify them and their names live on in infamy and people write books about them and they are immortalized. And we wonder why people choose to do these horrible, horrible things. Do you think they’d do them a) if guns were not available to them and b) if we wrote their names out of history the way they used to in ancient Egypt when someone erred so thoroughly that they were better forgotten…
The term ‘mentally ill’ covers everything from mild depression
to schizophrenia to narcissistic personality disorder.
BE SPECIFIC when talking about the kinds of people that commit mass murder.
Otherwise, it is a lot like saying WHITE MALE PEOPLE COMMIT MASS MURDER.
Guess what? That statement is true. But it is also completely ridiculous. So fuck you.
Two things happened that helped.
Tamara Laporte started a Facebook group called the Kindness Gang in honour of the victims of this tragedy and encouraged us all to do random, outrageously kind things for perfect strangers as a way to deal with the trauma of what happened. I already loved Tam, but my love for her grew by leaps and bounds when I heard about this.
Then, Danielle Laporte (them LaPorte people are something special, eh?) re-posted her missive on breathing in suffering and breathing out compassion.
I ran around Azeroth and killed shit for hours on end, dinged 85 and went to Pandaria. (WoW speak. My apologies. :))
And I got through it.
I’m stilling getting through it.