I’ve been an ex-smoker for 2 weeks. There are things I still can’t do in the frenzy of The Quit. I can’t have cash on hand. I don’t feel comfortable socializing with friends out there in the world where people smoke. I can’t fully relax.
Manfingy is on vacation and will be until sometime in January (the first or second week, I think…he had a lot of vacation saved up because the man’s work ethic is fucking amazing!) and we are all about the hanging out, playing WoW, swilling beer, and chawing down on whatever crap we feel like in the moment.
I feel like my timing on this quit sucked ass but that’s my addict talking and I know it.
I want a cigarette so bad I can taste it, and in pretty much every dream I have, I buy them or want to buy them or steal them or want to steal them.
But even in my dreams, I don’t. Even in my dreams, I haven’t smoked.
I don’t know why I’m telling you this except that I feel pretty weak and shaky and on the verge of relapsing.
So I’m writing to you instead.
That picture up there was taken week one of my quit. The camera is all ready to do some recording. I was in love with Monday’s that day. I was in love with my work, my clearer skin, my ability to breathe, and my life. I was at peace that day.
Then that shit went down last Friday and my serenity took a nose dive. I felt infuriated. I was gobsmacked and hurting and empathically wrapped up. I felt paralyzed with grief and fury in equal measure, and I couldn’t even talk about it without wanting to spit poison & vitriol about gun control and the BULLSHIT that is stigmatizing mental illness whenever there’s a mass murder.
People call mentally ill people ‘crazy’ and assume that every person who shoots someone (or many someones) has a mental illness. I actually overheard someone say on the subject of the mentally ill “YEAH! AND THEY DON’T TAKE THEIR MEDS LIKE THEY SHOULD!”
As if the guy who walks into a school and shoots twenty children would have been prevented from doing so had he only taken his meds.
Bullshit.
Look. The people who commit mass murder are generally psychopaths ~ due either to a physiological/genetic issue AND/OR the kind of abusive upbringing that creates a psychopath. Some people are born without empathy. To call them mentally ill is an insult to the mentally ill.
Do many psychopaths also present with mental illness. Sure. But the mental illness is not the reason they commit mass murder. The psychopathy is. And the access to assault weapons is. And the fucking media is.
Because the media glorify them and their names live on in infamy and people write books about them and they are immortalized. And we wonder why people choose to do these horrible, horrible things. Do you think they’d do them a) if guns were not available to them and b) if we wrote their names out of history the way they used to in ancient Egypt when someone erred so thoroughly that they were better forgotten…
The term ‘mentally ill’ covers everything from mild depression
to schizophrenia to narcissistic personality disorder.
BE SPECIFIC when talking about the kinds of people that commit mass murder.
Otherwise, it is a lot like saying WHITE MALE PEOPLE COMMIT MASS MURDER.
Guess what? That statement is true. But it is also completely ridiculous. So fuck you.
/rant.
***
Two things happened that helped.
Tamara Laporte started a Facebook group called the Kindness Gang in honour of the victims of this tragedy and encouraged us all to do random, outrageously kind things for perfect strangers as a way to deal with the trauma of what happened. I already loved Tam, but my love for her grew by leaps and bounds when I heard about this.
Then, Danielle Laporte (them LaPorte people are something special, eh?) re-posted her missive on breathing in suffering and breathing out compassion.
I joined the group. I breathed out suffering and breathed out compassion. I read this. I watched this.
I ran around Azeroth and killed shit for hours on end, dinged 85 and went to Pandaria. (WoW speak. My apologies. :))
And I got through it.
I’m stilling getting through it.
***
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I like that you can speak to us about what is going on….speaking (writing) outloud what is in our mind and heart so powerful…I hope you might be keeping these posts about your quit because they are the most realistic account of a journey to kick (fill in the blank addiction)… <3
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Well, they are all here, and I do intend to keep them archived. <3 I know it can get tedious, hearing about this stuff, but I’m grateful to know that you’re finding them useful. xo
You blow my mind! I honour you and your struggles and all your abilities! You amaze me with your strength, honesty and such an amazing ability to write and make people feel what you are saying. You are gifted in so many different ways. Your sympathy can be felt by all those lost souls and by all of us and I thank you for sharing everything with us. As tough as it is right now, it will get better, the cravings will get weaker, the dreams will slowly go away but you got through the pain of such a terrible loss and if you can get through that….you’ve got your addiction kicked in the ass!
Love you girl! *smooches*
Love you, too, and soon ~ you, me, tequila. *nods*
Look at it like this — this is the BEST time for you to have chosen to quit smoking. Why? Because with you and the Manfingy home together swilling and carousing and having fun you are “proving” to yourself that you can enjoy the same life — better breathing — without the smokes. Are you enjoying yourself and your time with your man while he’s off work? Then you don’t need them smokes anyway do ya now??? You gots HUNDREDS of cheerleaders behind you every step of the way lady!
And I agree — stop immortalizing that monster so the next psychopath doesn’t figure out what he can do to top that and make himself more famous then the last one…
Love ya bunches!!
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Ohhhhhh, ‘Maiyah! GOOD REFRAME!
You rock. xo
You hang in there Effy! If you’ve made it two weeks then you really do have this thing whipped. I was told that it took two weeks for the nicotine to get out of your body. I don’t know if you’re using a nicotine patch or anything cause that would make it longer for the nicotine to get out of your body. I quit cold turkey and thank God I didn’t have a lot of stress at the time.lol It’s been four years and when I get stressed out I still want a cigarette but it’s much easier to tell myself “No” now. The past few days have been hard on anyone who has empathy for their fellow humans. When I think about the children I just want to cry and my heart goes out to all of the relatives, especially the parents who have to deal with this loss right at Christmas time. I’m talking too much but you just hang in there and know that there are a lot of people who care.
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When I quit smoking, I needed the hand motion to get me through. I picked up eating. When the e-cigs came out I thought, wowo, that would help me. But I did not know there was nicotine. It was just 10ml, but WAY TOO MUCH. Went back in to lower it and they changed it to 2ml. Still too much. So I have 0 (zero) nicotine. So I will play with that. I know it is still mimicking smoking, but it is just vapor. No tar, no nicotine, no health hazards from what I am told. So what do you think about that? I would definitely like to know how everyone feels about the e-cig? From using it, I am not munching at night. Just a thought.
You are so brave. You are my hero.
I love you unconditionally. Rock on. Bitch. *high crazy laughter*
I wish I had words of wisdom. I don’t. Just … you’re nuts. And I love you. And you fucking hang in there. Or something.
I will pray like crazy for you. And Manfinggy.
I SO really want a cigarette right now.. I went 7 days then had a fight with my boyfriend, smoked two, went 3 more days and now it looks like we are breaking up and all I want is a cigarette!! A whole pack to chain smoke please.. Can’t go and get any though as my son is in bed asleep.. I gave up for 7 months when my bf gave up but then I started stand up comedy and started again because I was around other smokers and my nerves turned me into a quivering wreck.. Not had a gig this month but will be gigging again in the new year so that’s going to be hard! Might have to try those e-cigs..
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P.S. My son “doesn’t have any empathy” a lot of the time because he has Aspergers – I have bipolar II – I dont think either of us will be killing anyone – although my son is only 10 and very depressed – he often says he doesnt want to have a life that he would rather not be here in this weird place. Services do need to change to support mentally ill people though – that is not without it’s credit as a statement – and some of the time shootings are by people with a condition – but that doesn’t mean that all people with mental health conditions are violent – I agree with you there.
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Mental Illness is still a scary subject for many people. The key in conversations on mental health is not to swing so far either way, that the “cure”for these kinds of crimes is not worse than the diagnosis. There are thousands of people who suffer from mental illness daily who are controlling their diagnosis and will suffer from militaristic legal changes.
I think one of the other things that hurt me most in this, is that so many people starting talking about politics of gun laws, slamming people with mental illness; did anyone think that those families just wanted love and support through what is the most devastating loss of their lives?! Prayers, peace, meditation and love for their losses is the best way for now, this pain is too new and raw for anything else.
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Effy, I love how you are brave enough to be open about this battle and glad to see you have so many supporters. You are a strong, courageous, glorious woman and inspiration to so many.
I know the events that happen are so hard for us to wrap our heads around, collectively so many people have felt the grief over what has happened. I can only hope that somehow we are able to find a way to collectively move forward and put more love and understanding out into the world.