I got through the holidays season without smoking, and believe me, that wasn’t easy. To say that I’m proud of myself is only a joke. I want to set the scene for you: It’s Christmas Eve. I’m completely emo. I am pissed off about something Manfingy said. I am, in fact, devastated because I don’t do ‘upset’, really. I do despair. True fact. From zero to omg doom in the second it takes to suck your teeth at me or roll your eyes or say something completely innocent yet easy to misinterpret.
A part of this overwhelming sensitivity is due to the smoking cessation medication I’m on. A part of it is the time of year.
Anyway….Christmas Eve. Something’s been said. I didn’t like it. I was SO READY TO SMOKE THANK YOU VERY MUCH. It was early in the a.m.. I’d been feeling like crap for days (coming down with something, bad toothache, smoking cessation drug that makes me miserable) and I had HAD IT.
I put my coat on and walked half way to the store.
And then I stood in the silent night with one hand on a tree truck and the other balled into a frustrated little fist.
I changed my mind.
I walked home.
I cried for *hours*.
That isn’t hyperbole. I literally cried for hours. My face is still puffy two days later.
And everything was Sultan’s fault. Everything. And I told him so. And, okay, he wasn’t the most sensitive human being on the planet in that moment, but also, I was completely hysterical.
Poor bastard.
Anyway…
We kissed and made up some time around 6 in the morning and caught a few hours sleep before welcoming the family home to hang out, watch movies and gorge on Chinese food, cheese, crackers, and almost $200 worth of other crap I bought in a fit of “OMG WE HAVE TO HAVE AN EXCESS OF THIS SHIT IN THE HOUSE OR IT ISN’T CHRISTMAS.”
We had a wonderful, relaxing time, and let me tell you, crawling into the bed at the end of the night and snuggling my amazing manfingy (who puts up with my neurotic, medicated, ex-smoking self) was amazing.
Amazing.
***
This is real life, and sometimes it ain’t pretty, but it’s REAL LIFE and I got through some seriously real life this past week. Without smoking. And I woke up this morning feeling like if I could get through this Christmas without smoking, I could get through ANYTHING.
Print 
PDF
As always, thanks for saying it like it is Effy, hearing another struggle outloud with daily life is like having someone keeping you company in your own travels…you keep us all company in negotiating the tricky territory of simply being human!! Cheryl
Cheryl Stevenson recently posted..STENCIL GIRL PRODUCTS Stencils!
Effy, quitting smoking is THE BEST gift you can give your kids/man/friends/world. Good for you. Life ain’t easy, but it’s worth it! Good for you!
paula lewis recently posted..The Proper Hug
I think you rock Effy. I’ve been cranky as hell and working HARD to not say anything nasty to anyone and I’m not doing anything NEAR as hard as quitting smoking. Next year I’m thinking of setting up a private group for those of us who really struggle during the holidays – it helps so much to know you are not alone.
To say I’m proud of you doesn’t even begin to cover it!!! It doesn’t matter that we’ve never met, that we’ve only known each other online and only for 2 or 3 months. You’ve become very important to me! You are my friend and mentor. So I care what happens in your life. Quitting smoking is one of the hardest things to do. Addiction is addiction, no matter the substance. So the fact that you got through all of that emotional CRAP, even walking halfway to the store, deciding NOT to smoke and turning around to go home, is HUGE! Well done! You CAN get through anything!
You are awesome!
Melita recently posted..You Shone…
you rock.
Good for you! We all know you can do this — you’ve shown us!!! I am so proud of you for stopping, turning, and returning home without getting that pack!!! You are so loved and so important to so many of us… <3
Those are the moments when YOU know you can do it … I already know you can! Much love, and aren’t you glad the holiday is over?! I sure am!!
I admire the way you honestly share what is going on with you. It takes courage, the same quality needed to stop smoking. You will go through.
Louise recently posted..Les avantages du médium numérique en art
You are totally awesome and amazing! I am very proud of you, and extra kudos to your Manfingy! I have an amazing mate too, what would we do without them? :o)
Lisa Dunn recently posted..Victorian Sampler Love
I cannot tell you how insane I was after I quit smoking in 1998. I used the patch, which worked well for me, and then after I stopped the patch it was touch and go for quite a while. I remember losing it completely with my daughter, who wouldn’t allow me to cut her nails, [good instincts, I was insane], and I ended up going to my doctor and getting paxil to get me over the insane hump. Later, another challenge getting off the paxil! He is probably so thankful that you are not smoking, adding years to your life and his ability to share it with you. :) I know how hard it is, and still think it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, twice. Be gentle with yourself!
Lois recently posted..Merry Christmas!
And you would be completely right about that ‘getting through anything part’ ;D
I’m proud of you, Effy. I’m also awed when I read your blog posts as you are so honest and real. Love that.
Love this post – so important as teachers to share our human moments! I’m proud of you hunny x
You are amazing Effy. Sending lots of love your way.
Andrea recently posted..2012 Year In Review from Creative Magic Headquarters
Effy! What you are doing is further proof that you are strong and we stand with you to witness your bravery and to cheer you on in your triumphs! ~Stephie
Blueberry Blonde recently posted..From Here to There
OMG! I can so identify, except for the smoking part. I never smoked and yet I was diagnosed with throat cancer at the age of 50. One year later I am cancer free but not side affect free. Treatment was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, and my life has been no walk in the park. Please Effy stay the course, I would not wish what happened to me, not even on my worst enemy. I love how authentic you are, a true shinning light in the dark. Thank You!