There is this thing that happens on line (and off) that completely freaking BAFFLES me. Maybe because despite my less than idyllic childhood, I was raised with manners. The thing that baffles me is this:
Some people feel compelled to write e-mails/comments/make statements that seem designed to shame the person they are writing to/responding to/talking to ~ for *being unlike them*, for being different from them…
I’ll give you an example: I got a letter from someone who thought it would be valuable to me to be told that my swearing turns her off and that since the people you hang out with reflect on you, she wouldn’t be taking any of my classes.
Another example: Folks who stand up in restaurants and complain about a breast feeding mother.
Another example: People who write to *anyone* or respond in a negative way to any post about religious choices, language choices, the choice to smoke, sexual orientation, lifestyle, fashion…
It is as though these people believe that they are somehow being persecuted by our choice to be UNLIKE them. It is as though they feel that they can’t stand in their truth without telling us all how wrong they think we are about OUR truth.
There is a huge difference between standing in your truth (which means living it, taking your own inventory, correcting your own course) and being a butthole. Being a butthole is unhelpful. It’s a waste of time, of bandwidth, of air…and it is *hurtful* sometimes. And completely lacking in class, grace, or tact.
If you are offended by the way someone else talks, lives their life, dresses, or by who they love, how many people they fuck, whether or not they breast feed in public, please do yourself and the rest of the world a favour and ask yourself these questions:
Did I give birth to this person?
Is there a gun to my head FORCING me to read/agree with/live like this person?
Is this person’s immortal soul my responsibility (i.e.: am I this person’s clergy? Does this person attend the church of which I am the pastor/reverend/priest?)
If the answer to any of those questions is no, then ask yourself “What makes me think I have to right to parent/discipline/shame/give a talking to/criticize/or judge this person?”
And if you’re of a particular religious persuasion, I would remind you that Jesus himself hung out with tax collectors and prostitutes without JUDGING them. He just LOVED them.
Judging isn’t loving, but if you can’t refrain from judging and you can’t bring yourself to behave lovingly towards those whose truths differ from yours, could you at least have the decency to leave the rest of us blissfully ignorant of your opinion?
Because if your truth differs from mine that is totally okay with me, and if your way of being in the world differs from mine, that is ALSO okay with me. I would NEVER dream of coming into your space and telling you how to live/what to say/who to fuck/what to believe…
I might stand on my soapbox in here and declare what my truths are, but upon stumbling across your truth on the Internet or in life, I would never have the gall to tell you you’re doing it wrong…
I would never do that because that’s not standing in my truth. That’s being a butthole.
And buttholes stink.
xo
Effy
P.S. I don’t mean that one should not stand up to bullies or rapists or people who lie ~ I’m not talking about actually standing up to evil. I’m talking about dishing out unwanted advice to people you *don’t even know* about the things they choose that hurt *no one*.
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Yeah! What you said! Fuck yeah! So … yeah! *fist shake*
I can totally see you do this. :)
Amen!!!! You rock!
*loves this post*
can i get a “hell, yeah”?
brilliant.
i’ve never understood people like that…never will. they’re in the same camp as those who feel obliged to let you know when you have a GIANT zit on the end of your nose….
“really? geez, how did i NOT see that when i looked in the mirror?”
:)
xo
I could not have said it better myself!
sing it sista! I’ve ended several friendships because of this. Just because someone has an opinion or advice, that is really dark and dirty criticism and judgment, does not mean that I want it in my space! I write these people off as not truly knowing themselves, they haven’t found yet what is at their core.
Don’t let any of those buttholes change what you do!
Another Amen from me!!
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Yeah! What they said!!!
You can absolutely have a Hell Fucking Yeah!!!!!!!!! I would have seriously loved to have someone make a comment about me breastfeeding any of my six children in public 16+ years ago. Do they still DO that in this enlightened, educated age?!!
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Well said my friend. Your wisdom and inspiration are always welcome in my house. Hugs xx
Well you know I have the word Boundaries for 2013… one of my boundaries is “Never give unwanted advice. And never take unwanted advice.” I have lived by that since January 1st [among other boundaries] and it has freed me in so many ways. A letter like that would be considered unwanted advice and I would have simply trashed it had it been sent to me. Sorry that you received a letter like that. Hugs to you!
Thank you, we’ll said.
Oops, thank you, WELL said. Darn ipad tries to think for me!
*Giggles* Yours too, huh? My phone, too! *lol*
Holla!! I would never dream that this would be to do to anyone in the first place, but unequivocally, it is NOT the thing to do to someone you don’t have a face to face relationship with online. You are absolutely correct with what Jesus taught and I for one, know that He has not called for the Internet to be my “mission field” to straighten those I do not know beyond a cursory level out. Shame others don’t know that.
Indeed feeling what you are saying Effy…LOVE is a powerful word and it encapsulates everything we have in our hearts…My heart goes out to you and a hug as well…I love you, love your art work and most of all your honesty and reality of your beautiful journey…
❤ ❤ ❤
Elizabeth
❤ ❤ ❤
ditto and hell yes!
You KNOW My response! Say it with me, sistahs, “Fuck, Yeah!”
Yup, I’ve had it with people criticizing the cleanliness, or lack thereof, of my home, my choice of hair color (PINK), my religion (witch) or my sexual orientation (lesbian)! Did you like me 5 seconds before you read this? Do you not like me anymore? Who changed? I’m the same person I was 5 seconds ago!
Effy, I love you. I love everything about you. And I’m not the only one. If someone has issues with you, Fuck ‘em! They don’t deserve you!
Very well said, Effy!
Tell them to go and run their own creative circle (they wouldn’t have a tribe cos that has primal connotations!) if they don’t like yours. Fuck ‘em!
Xxxx
Oh Yea! I am a Christian, been there don’t that, on both sides of the fence. And I truly believe in “Judge Not lest thee be judged” something like that, I don’t have my bible right in front of me. But when judgement time comes, we will stand alone to answer to our own doings, not Effy’s, not Mine, for we will each be on our own. Our mothers, or husbands, or whom ever, will not be there to help us. Remember, those who are with out sin can cast out the first stone. AND SINCE I PERSONALLY BELIEVE WE WERE ALL BORN IN SIN, we have no right to place judgement on others. And though some things offend me, I have the choice to remove myself from the situation. I do not want to get all religious here, but all I was asked by Christ was to love others and bring them the knowledge of Christ, not judge them. That is not my job. That is like raising children, we teach them right from wrong, once they know the difference, they are accountable for the choices they make. So I am sorry, but if some people want to be buttholes/jerks, oh well, I will pray for them, as I do for everyone else. I love Effy’s style of work, her art, her outlook, I can relate to her in many ways, it is my choice, and if I lose friends (which I don’t have many anyway, so I am not really losing there) or make enemies, oh well…..Christ has my back. Love you EFFY and everyone here! I do not apologize for anything said except for taking up your time here.
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D_I_T_T_O_! :D
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Hi Effy,
YOU ROCK!!! I know from all your videos that you have been criticised for being brutally honest and to be honest when these people (who have tiny minds and no self-realization) just don’t get what the BOD squad is all about. I find that you have no filter between your mind/soul and your mouth and you shouldn’t.
Your art journey is as important to you as mine is to me and without your shared thoughts, insights and discoveries I certainly wouldn’t be here talking about my past, present or future. We all struggle with something and the squad is all about support and encouragement and not putting others down.
I don’t swear but people who’s sensibilities are so easily offended have no business doing what we are trying to do. Those who have anal issues (retentive or otherwise) need to A; get a life or B; get a life!!! :) <3
Oh hell yes. Reaching through the computer to give you a high five and then a huge hug and then rub your back and sing you soft kitty. (not because you need me to, just because I feel like it)
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i do get offended by some swear words (my mom was very religious and strictly no swearing or we had the slipper). moving on from the past now to my present i think i have mentioned before that i volunteer at college and a lot of the students we support have mental health problems and learning difficulties. i have had to learn to ignore the swearing as sometimes with say turrettes symdrome or adhd the students just cant help their swearing and it’s just a word to them. my mom also brought us up to not judge people to be open minded, it can take me a good three months before i decide wether i like someone or not !! effy i can see the flip side and understand someones choice to not do classes as they know you swear but to write a letter rather than tell you in person in my opinion is bad manners. i have had my cousin breast feeding at our house before my mom passed away and she did it in such a way it was very discreet and not very obvious, baby has every right to food as much as i do :)
Helllllzzzz YES! I slipped away a few years ago and am still slowly working my way back from a letter, much the same, regarding life choices that rubbed others the wrong way. Taken me years to deal with my pain… it broke me. Have since come to realize it is *all* their problem, not mine. I applaud you and your grace in the face of others attempts at bullying you around to their way of life. GOOOOO GURL! <3
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Good for you, Effy, for standing strong through a negative verbal attack, and not letting it change who you are. From someone who rarely swears (but has great impact on the moments that I’m mad enough that I do), I notice it when someone else does. It bothers me when someone swears “at” someone, because it is an attack, but you don’t do that. You swear when it fits what you are saying. It is not who you are, it’s part of how you express yourself, and you express yourself well. I love listening to you and reading your posts and find you inspiring. Seems to me, any swearing you do is not negatively effecting your communication. Anyone who isn’t able to make their own choices for themselves, and take you as your whole wonderful self, doesn’t deserve your time or energy. It’s too bad people feel the urge to “fix” things about other people that don’t match themselves.
Your awesome Effy, I appreciate they way you are real and how you say it like it is I find that refreshing.
Nicely said. I just don’t understand this either. The older I get the more honest I get (living my own truth, not someone else’s version of it). I have told people if you don’t like what I’m saying, doing, etc., then don’t have anything to do with me….people especially on the internet think they can hide and say whatever they want and hurt whoever they want…sad really. Be who you are and always stand up for what you believe. That is being your true self…You are just being you..don’t change :)
It is as though these people believe that they are somehow being persecuted by our choice to be UNLIKE them. It is as though they feel that they can’t stand in their truth without telling us all how wrong they think we are about OUR truth.
Whoa! in THAT paragraph you summarized my mom and step dad. They have shamed me my WHOLE life, now as an adult ostracized me and turned my siblings against me because they feel persecuted/attacked by my choice to be UNLIKE them (ie: my choice to NOT be a born again christian, my choice to be an artist-to live MY truth). They can’t stand my truth… so they punish: they spread false rumors, they criticize and judge.
Thanks for sharing clearly from YOUR truth Effy!
xoxo
I so agree with you Effy. I don’t understand those kind of butthole either. And the bible does say “Do not judge so that you will not be judged” Matthew 7:1
Have she put that in there pipe and smoke it.
Let’s be honest here. As long as you are out and about in the world you are going to encounter people that do not use language you like, have a different belief, etc., and the list can go on and on. It’s how WE handle the situation that is important. I personally don’t use “vulgar language” in public or around other people and I do that out of RESPECT for that person or the people around me. The same goes for relegion. I am a Christian but I don’t force my beliefs on others that I am around out of respect for them.
Effy, you do a wonderful thing by sharing your work and opening yourself up to others. That is your choice to do but you have to realize that not everyone shares your ideas or agrees with your opinions. If you want to be a leader you have to accept that and not banish them when they make comments or send letters that you don’t agree with. If you want your “tribe”, which I am a member of, to have conversations with you, you must accept them for who they are. After all, we accept you for who you are.
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Just to clarify: I didn’t banish anyone. She opted to tell me I was not acceptable to her, NOT the other way around.
But, it is also true that, this being my tribe, I get to decide who gets to be in it. The kind of people who judge other folks based on their use of salty language, sexual orientation, lifestyle choices, etc. and dare to say that shit out loud and in public are not welcome in my tribe. It’s not about banishing. It’s about recognizing that those aren’t my kind of people.
I accept people for who they are, but that acceptance sometimes means opting out of being around them, gracefully, tactfully, and walking away *without comment* from situations that don’t feel good to me. I feel absolutely no compunction to write to them to say “Hey! Your behaviour offends me so I’m dumping you!”
That is rude. That is my complaint. Rudeness. Especially in the face of someone else’s vulnerability.
I think it’s also important to ask “How does this really effect me?” If the answer is “because it bothers/ offends me” and there is nothing else to add, your argument is invalid.
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I think once you are in some sort of public lime-light people become weird, as though they own some of you. Like when people are upset about the lives of royalty, or movie stars, or singers… I always think, does the queen care if I had cancer? why should I care if she has an upset stomach… And so on. I can’t imagine judging people because of their choices, but I did un-like my sister-in-law on facebook because of her homophobic and pro-life comments. So maybe I’m the same…
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Blech! Pardon me, effect vs affect. I know better.
okay… so if you were invited to speak to a community/group, and one of their requirements was language used, you would probably try not to use profanity out of respect for them at that event or not go because you were uncomfortable with their requirements. But
BUT when you are putting on your own show, and people are coming to you to get it? Why should you have to change for them? That is utterly fucking ridiculous!
The other stuff you mentioned – yes it’s your choice. You want to smoke? So be it. I won’t spend time around you because *I can’t breathe* and I would wish for your health that you wouldn’t, but it’s your choice. Breastfeeding in public? I love it! I didn’t do it because I wasn’t comfortable and couldn’t easily manage but why would I care if someone is feeding their child? Bloody hell! Sexual orientation? Who cares? Are you a caring person – great! I don’t care who you love so long as you do.
Your show, honey, your rules. People need to stop judging and just love each other.
We love you!
Oh, Effy this is wonderful and so very, very important.
I think that the amount of hurt shame and blame that we throw at each other by being judgmental is creating a major crisis in the world.
With so many of us afraid to be who we really are as a result of this constant judgement, there are too many who never reach their full potential to contribute to the world when the world needs us all the most.
Thank you for your brilliant words!
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Effy, I hope you get a kick out of this song I found for you. I’m not really good at putting my feeling into words, but you really summed it up here for me. Thank You
When I found this song, I though it really said what needed to be said to all the Buttholes in the world.
Thanks Effy for being you
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oh oh i have been known to say i would bitch slap you when you were smoking with your bad lungs…but you know i meant it with only care for your well being and not out of judgement or malice..
You go girl, love.
Amen. You summed it up perfectly. Thank you!
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LOL! Seriously, can be say judgemental much? Ignore the self righteous Beatch.
Effy, I’ve been a fan and a follower of yours for years. I recently made a connection between something that happened to me in junior high school with all the talk about bullies. I don’t know why it never dawned on me before this that I was being bullied back then. Now, I can put a different spin on my memories. I applaud you in your pursuit of free speech on your blog and standing up to people who bully you. Fuckin’ eh!
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