I just wanted to pop in with this:
The perfect pixie cut + bonus flannel
This cut made me so freaking happy. Also, I got my eyebrows done (waxed) for the first time in - oh - a year. Self-care win!
My beacon of gentle joy, created for Life Book 2015.
And finally THIS!
There's a new Wildly Inspired up in my on line network. It's free and it's for you, so do pop on over and check it out!
It's been a weird time of very calm innards and very chaotic outturds. (Is that a word? Well it is now!) I know I've mentioned this a few times in the last month, but in this life that is not a series of pure moments, I do get to have a point of peace, a center of unstoppable, an inner sanctuary. I get to have it because I know how to create it for myself.
But that doesn't always mean I remember I have it, and it doesn't guarantee that I won't find myself out of whack. Like today. I'm out of whack beyond belief. Anxious (panic attacks), overwhelmed with how the chaotic outturds are impacting my innards, burned out from feeling like I'm dealing with too much of what I like to call OPS (or other people's shit). I'm also really tired because when I'm anxious I don't sleep. My body twitches from the instep of my foot up to my low back - twitches and then spasms me awake - so yeah. No sleep.
I woke up wishing I lived in a softer world - a world where my youngest son weren't so angry that he can't live at home. A world where youth unemployment was not completely, terrifyingly rampant. A world where people do not walk into public spaces with guns with intent to kill. A world where people are not gassed to death by their own government...
None of us get a softer world except the one we create within our own very tiny circle of influence. We have to make our own little bubbles of safety and calm and peace, and even then, even if you've mastered it, maintaining it is a whole other ball game.
I was doing pretty well there for a while. I delegated OPS to OPS to deal with. I was all 'head down, do the work' and I was *happy* in that bubble o' mine.
But it got to me today. Badly. The world feels jagged and hostile. I feel like an unwilling witness to it. I want to go hiking somewhere - maybe in Athabasca (my old 'hunting grounds' where I camped and hiked in my younger, fitter days). I want to crawl into a blanket fort and turn off my phone. I want to be buffered, thick skinned, unflappable.
Today, though, I'm not, and that's okay. I can admit that and get on with the business of making *my* world softer.
- Letting the manfingy come home for the afternoon so I'm not having a panic attack alone.
- Making chamomile and hops tea instead of drinking the tenth cup of coffee.
- Working on things that feel proactive and empowered instead of succumbing to the spinny monkey brained omgdoom.
- Telling my youngest that I can't be around him until he either a) learns to accept that I'm disappointed in his current choices and lets me feel how I feel without attacking me for it or asking me to feel differently or b) gets his shit together so that I don't have to struggle to nod and smile through my disappointment.
- Eating something.
- Taking a long, hot soak with a juicy vampire novel for company.
- Crying my heart out into a pillow.
- Recognizing where I have power and where I do not. Letting go and letting good orderly direction.
- Collapsing in a heap for a day. (I've earned it.)
- Asking my people to be gentle with me today.
I can't make the world less jagged around the edges, but I *can* take care of myself when it all feels like it's too much for me to bear.
At the end of the day, it's all any of us *can* do.