Hola Sweet Taters!!! This is day 2 of my blog-along! In case you’re new here, this is what you need to know:
How It Works
I will be popping in here every day for 30 days to blog my heart out. Sometimes, I will get personal. Sometimes, I will just share an image or some art I’m working on. I will keep it as real as I can, even when that means I tell you I’m having a craptacular day. At the end of each post, you will find a Linky. Use it to include your latest post in the Blog-Along. There are no prizes except that new folks might find your blog and you get to find new folks. It isn’t a competition or contest to see who can do it and who can’t. It’s a personal challenge, meant to increase your awareness and build your blogging habit.
Why Do It?
For me, blogging is self-care. Much like journaling, blogging helps me take a longer, more mindful look at what’s really happening in my life – around me & within me. Composing a blog post to describe that is therapeutic and creative – two things I value very much. Your reasons might differ. You might just want to build your blog audience or find new blogs to read. You might want to start a new blog with a bang. Whatever your reasons, you’re totally welcome to take my hand as we dive into this adventure together!!
April 2, 2014 – All The Bits That Are
Things have been very weird for me since February 12 – the day I got the news that my relationship was, effectively, no longer what it had been and that things needed to change. My partner has stuff that it his own stuff and story to tell. I come with my own set of battered luggage that, though I have been unpacking for a long, long time, I have not yet finished unpacking. Complicated relationship is complicated.
The short version is that we’ve been together for 10 years and we had planned to get married yesterday, on the 10th anniversary of the beginning of our relationship. We didn’t get married. Instead, we have been disentangling our lives by slow degrees. He sleeps elsewhere most nights. We live ‘alone together’. I am not his love. We are not a couple. Etc. etc. cue the sad, sad swelling music. Heartbreaking. Bloody awful.
And not something I’ve been terribly open about.
Being open about something this big requires a metric butt tonne of vulnerability that I simply haven’t had access to. The Internet is a bit of a dangerous place to feel your feelings – especially feelings like grief, heartache, or anything that isn’t cats with funny captions. It is easy, as a ‘consumer’ of ‘content’ to leave an insensitive or judgmental comment without considering the impact on the human being who posted whatever you are responding to, and knowing that, I have been pretty circumspect.
There is the humiliation factor – we’ve done this dance before and ended up getting back together.
There is the ‘jinx it’ factor – I’m not entirely convinced it’s really over, and we might end up getting back together and there is this fear that if I say it out loud, I will effectively destroy any possibility that this will happen (which is isolating and completely fucktarded and ridonkulous in a million ways, but grieving girl isn’t entirely *sane* so please to forgive.)
There is the ‘none of anyone’s business’ factor – which is true but also isolating and a little bit unfair considering I teach self-inquiry and authenticity is one of my highest, most cherished values.
There is the ‘I am beyond confused and have no idea from one day to the next where I stand in the grand scheme that is my life’ factor. It’s very hard for me to say “I don’t know….” because I’m *supposed to be* strong and sovereign in my own life and all I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. The woman I’m ‘supposed’ to be would know exactly where she is and where she’s going. The woman I am is a mewling kitten of uncertainty and omgdoom, so mostly, I kept my mewling to myself.
There is the private/personal/public thing and what’s TMI and what isn’t factor. This got thrown in the trash the day I decided to do the blog-along. If you find me TMI, you can choose not to read. End of story.
There is the ‘am I a business or am I a person’ factor – and I’m pretty sure you all know which one I will always, always choose to be no matter how much ‘business’ it might cost me, but going from a double income ‘family unit’ to single, inconsistent income has been rather more terrifying than I was prepared for, so suddenly, my business is of paramount importance at a time when I wish I could be completely unconcerned about anything but the bottom of a Hagen Daas carton and my blanket fort.
Every reason I’ve had not to be open about what’s going on with me is pretty much invalid. I want to share, because sharing helps me. Purely selfish. I want to tell you what’s happening because maybe you have some wisdom to impart. Maybe you can be someone I can lean on a little while my world is all wobbly. I want to share because maybe you have walked this road already and you know the way through.
At the end of the day, the thing that matters is that I want to share. Nothing else matters.
So, I’m sharing.
The thing is, this ‘break up’ or whatever it is (yes, it is really THAT CONFUSING) is not the only thing I’ve got going on in my life. It might be the biggest thing in the short term, and it is certainly the most life-changing and traumatic thing, but it isn’t the only thing. What I’ve become very good at over the last few months since everything ‘changed’ in a weird and very non-changey from the outside looking in way is to focus on all the other stuff and let this be what it is. Just let it be. Cry when I want to, but never on camera (ew). Write when I want to, but not until I can muster the empathy and grace to write RESPECTFULLY about what is happening. Feel what I feel, but in safety and out of ear/eye shot of those who might be inadvertently or insensitively unkind. What I’m learning to do is to go there wholeheartedly, full-throatedly, and then bring back what I’ve learned, where it’s leading me, what I can now offer now that grief is working on me like I’m clay and this break up is a big, burly sculptor who knows how to break me to make me.
So, this thing won’t be the only thing I’m sharing, but it will get duly processed. I won’t be coming in here to vent and rant and stomp my feet and mewl like a kitten with a broken leg, because that’s kind of gross and I’ve been there and done that in the annals of my history, but I will tell you where I’m at and what I’m learning and I might even post poems that come out of the depth of omgdoom.
If you’re triggered by heartache or weird, unconventional breakups that don’t resemble real breakups or anger or fear or any of the shadowy swampland of the soul stuff that a break-up-that-isn’t-really might bring up for you, maybe skip the blog for a bit. If you’re here to tell me I should just move on, skip that part please. If you can’t read about someone’s craptacular heartbreak without wanting to tell them exactly how they should respond to said heartbreak, this is probably not the place for you to be hanging out for the indefinite future. I don’t need to be told to move on or get over it. I also don’t need anyone to tell me he’s an asshole and I shouldn’t waste my time. He isn’t, and I’m not. We’re grown ups with very complicated histories and you have no idea who we really are. I need empathy, support, loving kindness, honest queries and patience. And I need silliness and poems and good music and vats and vats of coffee. I need therapy and Skype with friends and distractions and being kidnapped for cake and invitations even if you know I’ll say no. I might need to get laid, too, not that I expect any of you will help me with that, but if you know someone…(hah. Mostly kidding.)
I have a core belief that sees me through most days: if people can’t sit with me when I am at my worst, they don’t get to sit with me when I am at my best. This is a weird belief to hold in the arena of on line business, but listen: I am not a priestess or a counselor or a grade 10 science teacher. I demonstrate art journaling techniques, and I teach intentional creativity as a spiritual practice. I should be able to that AND be who I am, feel what I feel, reveal what wisdom comes through my practice, be authentically enraged or in sorrow or grieving. If I can’t, then I’ll quit. I’ll go work at Starbucks or something. However, I truly believe that I can be who I am, feel what I feel, and be a light of authenticity in a mostly plastic world. I want to try. I want you to try with me. I want us to be real together.
Okay, so let’s blog our heart’s out and trust that our right people will want what we’re serving and those who don’t have a whole universe of other places and things and people to choose from. Let’s look one another in the eye and say what sucks and what shines and where we’re at and where we hope to be. Let’s love one another.
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