In case I haven’t mentioned it lately, let me just tell you that I have been up to my earrings in creating Radiant II and everything has taken a back seat to that act of conception, gestation, and impending birth. I have been living, breathing, sweating, fretting, dreaming, conspiring, and loving it into being. Please accept this as my reason for letting my blog collect a very sneeze-inducing layer of dust.
*Blows the dust off and hands you a hankie*
This is the view out my living space window. Good GODS, y’all!
I have also been living. Hard. With passion and gusto. All of May and this first 10 days of June have been *intense*. Reacquainting myself with being someone’s partner after a year of being my own. Basking in the glory that is my little hobbit hole on Old Carriage Drive. Walking the creek. Watching it overflow its banks. Stepping quietly through my patio doors so that I don’t disturb the robin who took up residence in the eaves and is hard at work feeding and caring for her brood of nestlings.
Chasing the sunset, like one does.
I had family in town this past weekend – family I hadn’t seen in something like almost a decade, and though we had hardly spoken, we entered one another’s company like one might step into a perfectly drawn, scented bath. My sister-in-law and soul sister, Ayesha, with whom I feel completely at home in my own skin, indulged her brother and I in all the things we love to do – drives in the country, fires in the backyard that burn until four in the morning, chilly midnight walks by the creek, Tim Horton’s by the gallon, St. Jacob’s Market, Open Mic at Imbibe…
First fire of the season. Salty, Ayesh, and Effy
And we spoke vows to one another about never letting things go that long without connecting ever, ever again.
Two of my children got jobs they desperately needed.
The one who was failing to launch LAUNCHED with gusto and has given up his spot on the family couch in favour of his own place.
A fence got built (literally) whose erection was emblematic of everything that was wrong being set right, and fences got taken down (figuratively) whose dismantling was emblematic of everything that was right being invited in to take up residence, to put down roots, to be claimed, owned, and welcomed home.
Homecomings. Leave-takings. Everything in its own time, in its rightful place, or at least on the way to it.
***
My art is changing.
It’s looser, freer, less inhibited by the desire to hunker down and dodge imaginary slings and arrows.
I am changing.
I love harder, less fearfully, and with a sense that the control I’ve always longed for is a kind of bondage that I wish not to be in.
Ayesha. Sister-in-law. Soul sister. True.
I am willing to risk it all.
Let my heart be broken.
I’ll live.
I’ve proven that, in spades.
Hands. Eleven years in. Anam cara. Beloved. True.
My willingness to be vulnerable, which ebbed quite a lot over the last year, has returned.
To prove it, this video in which I dance.
DANCE! On camera!
Dudes!
It’s like that. Very much like that.
And I am fucking blessed.
And you? How are you? Tell me everything. xo
That was an amazing video, Effy! Loved your Jar of Hearts spread, and girl, YOU’VE GOT SOME SERIOUS RYTHM GOIN’ on there! Keep on dancin’! (And being deliriously happy…made my day)
Love hearing the joy in your words….thrilled for you Effy …and I so understand that birthing metaphor….I recognize that place.
Well, Effy, I just turned 71 and because of two recent surgeries, I don’t feel 71. It’s awesome wjhen some young barista at Starbucks is surprised by my age. I always thought I would be weeping and waing over the older years of my life.
Ah, I weep and wail, and suffer from the results of chronic depression, but it’s over a dysfunctional family when I was very young. It was brought back into my life when I did my best to take care of my dad and still received that rejection and lack of love from him as always. He was “The Master” and insisted that my family live in his home if we expected to receive an “only child’s” inheritance. It wasn’t worth it. Every member of the family believed his side of the story, and had no interest in the truth from us, so the “onlys” are truly only children with no relatives.
I’m learning to bear the hurt and emotions as much as possible. Our daughter (another only) is our pride and joy and nothing pleases us more than when she is happy. We never have hesitated to say : “I love you.” to her and each other…with honesty and true meaning. For us, that’s the secret to 50 years of marriage this year.
Internet friends like you are a part of my life and help remind me that love exists everywhere, even in the throes of despair. God (or The Life Spirit you believe in) blesses all of us, doesn’t He/She?
much gratitude * this brought me to tears
Fascinating to watch your process. Art journaling is one of things I keep wanting to do, but seem to have my hands tied behind my back and don’t do it. I’m making my first homemade journal hoping that will get me to jump in. I have two signatures done. I don’t have the money to take Radiant II, but maybe all the waves of inspiration will make their way here. :-)
I think your video, art included, was amazing & brave! Thank you for sharing part of your vulnerability with us. :)
That was wonderful and inspiring. I had a bad accident at home and have been in the hospital for 3 months. I’m doing better, at home and trying to get back into my art. Trying not to feel sorry for myself and I am actually lucky and very blessed to have such an excellent surgeon and lots of family support. Effy, I love your newsletters they always gives me a lift. I especially love your videos. The broken jar with the hearts means a lot to me. Thanks so much for coming into my life. , Sharon
Effy, I’m SO glad things are working out these days. Yes, you are blessed. And you, and all of us, deserve it! YES!!!
Amazing video and love your jar of hearts, your wisdom too..so talented and such an inspiration ..thank you for sharing your wonderful work and your lovely dancing too.. Keep your chin up you make many smile ..hugs ..Christine :) xx
Rock on with your True Self Miss Effy. Love the Jar of Hearts! It makes my heart happy to see you emerging from the darkness of the past into something more and new and fulfilling. I am outstanding, thank you for asking :) House Refi – check. Credit Cards paid off – check. Estimates to fix the house – check. It’s raining – WOOHOO! And, I’m working on an applique wall quilt called Winter Wolf. I have truly missed working with fabric as I have been full on with online art classes for the past year and a half. It is nice to be slowing down with the art classes and making time for quilting arts. Working with my hands to birth something into 3 dimensional form makes me feel incredibly happy :)
Well done, young lass. Great art, great dancing and I recommend singing. It so lifts the spirits (it’s all that oxygen and endomorphins). I started classical voice training at 60 and at 64 I’m preparing songs to record.:)
I absolutely love your spirit and all that you are willing to share. This art journal spread is amazing, love the song that goes along with it and hearing the joy in your words and seeing it in your dancing makes my heart happy. Thank you for being so vulnerable with us (total strangers) it reminds me that out of vulnerability can come great growth and blessings and compassion.
It is so great to see you smiling, glowing, dancing… I’ve watched empathetically your heart-to-heart talks during Book of Days etc….. “gone through” your break-up, depression, thoughts of suicide etc….. then all of a sudden you announced that you are getting married…. SO I have to be nosey and ask if you have reunited with your former partner or met someone new. Of course you don’t have to answer this…. I just want you to know that I am SO VERY happy for you!! I send love out to you! P.S. I’ve really enjoyed Radiant Faces and BOD! Thanks for all you share….
Awesome – all of it. Wishing you lots more joy – you do so many good by sharing it <3
I’m so happy for you, Effy! I’m really enjoying Radiant 1 and I’ll be signing up for Radiant 2 soon (just waiting on my paycheck). There’s something about the way you teach that’s special, wonderful and warm. I dig it. Hugs! Wendy
Loved your video and music and dancing. Am so very happy for you and can see that you are truly blessed. This blog and video have made me realize how blessed my life has been too. I am so thrilled that you have journeyed thru your emotions and are in this wonderful transformational time of your life. Love is truly the answer.
PRICELESSS!
Beautiful, just beautiful!!!
Brave and beautiful, you don’t know me-but thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
Effy, I love how you write. It is full of life and gives one the feeling they are right there in the room with you living that experience right along side. I’ve never spent much time writing, but there is much to write about. Perhaps if I spent some time putting pen to paper I might get out of me all the things that no longer need to take up space in my head. Cheers to you!! I’m so happy you are happy! It definitely shows!
Peace, my sister! I used to be one of those whirling dervishes at music festivals! Back in my flower child days. Gosh, watching you dance brought that all back to me! Good memories! Thanks, toots!
You know what? I have taken a new look at life these days myself. I guess I finally found some reasons to be good to myself. So, I cheer you on, my dear! Dance all you can!
Su
Effy, I needed this right now. I cried my eyes put with so many mixed emotions. How how how do I move forward. I ask myself when did I lose my smile my happiness to everything. Thank you