It’s September, and I want things.
As I mentioned yesterday, September is my birthday month. I turn 49 on the 30th, and I have no issues about that, really. I know the ‘impending five oh can be a thing for some people, but I’m pretty chill about it. I’ve got aging stuff, but it isn’t about my ‘beauty fading’ or anything like that. I’m way more concerned about health stuff than I am about the lines that are popping up on my face, or that barbed wire chin hair that appeared over night. But I have to admit that I’m worried about finding love. I am worried about that part, and while I know that there’s no expiration date on a woman, and while I know that people can find love at all ages, I do feel (after three years of being out here in the world, mostly single, that it gets harder to find it. Maybe that’s just a story I have. I don’t know. It doesn’t *feel* like a story. It feels, at this point, like I’m as likely to meet someone I can love the way I love as I am to win the lottery.
I’m almost 49 *gasp* and I’m single and it sucks.
If you ask the interwebs, It’s not supposed to suck, and I’m not supposed to say it sucks. I’m supposed to be reveling in my freedom. I’m supposed to need a man like a fish needs a bicycle. I’m supposed to be above all that coupling and uncoupling stuff that occupies our every waking thought in adolescence.
But I’m not joyfully single. I’m not, so I’m not going to pretend I am. I’m also not available, if I’m being honest. I try to be, but I fail at ‘available’ every single time life requires me to show up wholeheartedly. I’m *not* available. I am altogether taken. I’m just taken by someone who can’t take me, so I’m taken AND single, and whoa, does that ever suck.
It’s Complicated.
I’m in a weird purgatory between what was and what will be, and I have no idea what will be. I take wild rides on the pendulum swing between hanging on and letting go. I rise with hope some mornings, and despair other mornings. Some days are okay. Some aren’t. I deal. This is real life, and real life asks this of me, so I give it.
And I *do* revel in certain aspects of this reality. The queen sized mattress all to myself. No snoring but my own to disturb my sleep. I haven’t fallen in the toilet at 3 a.m. because someone forgot to put the seat down in years. If I put a thing somewhere, it is guaranteed to be there when I go looking for it later, unless the kitteh decides to send it skittering under the couch. I’ve learned to cook for one, and I love that I can feed myself so beautifully after years of cooking for upwards of six!
My hours are my own. My life is my own. I’m my own North Star. This life *is my own*.
But my hours are my own. You see what I mean?
I want things. It’s September, and I want things.
I want to blow out the candles on a birthday cake I didn’t have to buy myself. I want to make a wish that I know will come true. I want to go to bed with someone and wake up with them and complain about the way they squeeze the toothpaste from the top of the tube instead of the bottom LIKE ANY SANE PERSON WOULD. I want to bag out on the couch to binge watch something on Netflix and fall asleep with my head in the lap of the one I love knowing that he will gently rouse me when the show is over…
“Come to bed, love.”
Oh, I want that.
***
I have been single (yet taken), more or less, since 2014. There was a brief moment in time in 2015 when we thought we’d try again, but it fizzled, because reasons, and some of those reasons include mistakes I made that I can’t take back. We eased, over the last three years, into a kind of holding pattern. We’re not all the way out. We’re not all the way in. We are family, we say. We are friends, we say. You’re my person, we say. He’s on my couch every Friday for the watching of things. We do drives, celebrate milestones, eagerly await the latest episode of Game of Thrones or House of Cards. Sometimes we hold hands. Sometimes, I fall asleep with my head in his lap, but it never ends with “Come to bed, love.” It ends with “I gotta get going” and kisses for the furbabes as he dons his shoes and walks. out. my. door.
And it’s for the best. And it’s the right thing (forever? for now?). And he’s right about being unfit for anything more than this – he’s absolutely right. And I know I’m worthy of someone who can show up and be all in. And all that’s true.
But it’s also true that this is where we’re at, and I’m in a holding pattern, and I *mostly* accept that, and I’m mostly willing to live it out.
***
So, listen. I have stuff around this. Shame that I’m not done grieving yet (for fuck sakes). Shame that I let this long goodbye go on the way I have. I also have a deeply ingrained sense of certainty that I’m *doing the right thing* in consciously exploring this transformation from lovers to friends. I feel like I have a spiritual imperative to salvage what is beautiful in this, what is wise in this, and learn to love without possession or label or contract or *glue*. It’s hard to write about because of the shame. That’s an old, old story, and this is something you’ve all heard me talk about before, but it’s where I’m at, so let’s start here with the truth. I want to move on. I don’t know how. I want to hold on. I don’t know how. I don’t know what it will take to lift me up out of this holding pattern and into a new flight plan – one that includes more than a half in half out skinny love that leaves me with hours that are mostly my own.
It’s September, and I want things.
Thanks for listening.
xo
Effy
Today’s Nudge: What do you really want?
There’s a bunch of us blogging along in September. Find out more here, or pop your email address in the box below, and I’ll send you a nudge to blog every day along with a link to my daily writings.
You are a good writer. You have great insight about life. You should publish a self-help book.
Thank you, Cindy. <3 I don't think a self-help book is in the cards for me, but creative non-fiction? Maybe? :D
Beautiful openness and honesty.
Thank you. <3
This hit me in the feels – hugs
Hugs back. <3
I love your writing. I love your longing. I love your wants. I love your vulnerability and your willingness to put it out there.
Thank you, Effy.
It’s so totally mutual. <3
This eas beautiful and vulnerable and powerful!! Sending you hugs, lovely. xox
Hugs gratefully received. <3
Sending hugs. You know I love your willingness to be so vulnerable… And the big five-oh was a BLAST!!! Looking forward to 60 in 9 years…
I’m looking forward to the five oh, too! It’s going to be my best decade ever. <3
” I’m just taken by someone who can’t take me, so I’m taken AND single, and whoa, does that ever suck.”
GOD YES. I am sorry that is your situation , but so grateful to see that I am not the only person to find herself in a limbo/occasional Hell of her own making. And it honestly cleans a tiny bit of the smudged, shameful marks on my soul to think that a beautiful, smart, talented, giving woman , such as yourself, can be struggling with a similar situation. While I may never be , Effy, F-ing Wyld, , it gives me solace and a measure of hope to realize it is not a clear indicator that aI am un-loveable, which is my biggest fear wrt the “single” thing. Thank you for being so brave.. <3
It’s definitely not that we’re unlovable. <3 Definitely, definitely not.
How incredibly powerful and painful your statement ” I’m *not* available. I am altogether taken. I’m just taken by someone who can’t take me, so I’m taken AND single, and whoa, does that ever suck.” I hope you find peace or a solution with this somehow.❤️
Thank you, Ellie. <3
Brava Brave Effy! You are courageous and strong and vulnerable and all things wise and wonderful. And oh, honey, I know the longing. But I am 63 now, and deal ongoing with mental illness, and I don’t know how to have someone in my life when just getting MYSELF through the day is such a challenge. But… I have been loved in my life, deeply loved, and if you have had that, ever, and you know it in your body, you know what it feels like, how can you ever not want that? May Sarton wrote, “Loneliness is the poverty of self; Solitude is the richness of self.” Well I’ve been in both places but these days I suppose I live in the poverty part of myself because I do get lonely, I do have longings, I can’t imagine anything better than someone adoring me, yes, really adoring me. So I know Effy, I really do, and I hope you find your way through your current situation in a way that feels good to you both, and I hope beyond that you find that special love you desire, because you’re worth it! You deserve it. I wish you all the happiness and love in the world… <3
Thank you, love. <3
Barbed wire chin hair. Omg yes.
RIGHT? Where the FUCK do they come from??
You are such a good writer. I could feel your feelings as I read. You brought me into your world, your excitment, your frustration. I hope you find the love you deserve.
Thank you! <3
Straight from the heart to the heart. Thank you for your authentic sharing, Effy! May your ‘wants’ become your ‘haves’. That is my wish for you :-)
Your wishes to God’s ears. <3
Oh Effy, your words are so raw and honest and powerful. And brave. They Resonate with a capital R and my heartstrings are humming having read you x
I love it when two hearts resonate like that. <3 Thank you.
Being that honest is never easy. You are a courageous woman for sharing something that personal.
It’s really not courage. I’ve learned over the years that it is perfectly safe for me to share vulnerably. I get the occasional troll, but for the most part, the people that read me ooze kindness and empathy. <3
You write so beautifully. Thank you for sharing your emotional pain. I hope things work out soon for you. May you be happy.
Thank you. <3
I love your openness and how you let it all hang out there. I wish you all the love and happiness that you can handle.
Thank you. <3
I think you have room in your heart for more then one person. For we never totally give our whole self to someone else-there is always a part that is just ours. You can find a way not to compare but to enjoy each love for what it is . Perhaps our soulmate is exactly that but not necessarily our go through life mate. Sometimes soulmates can be unhealthy to tie our lives to completely. Love takes may forms and no where is it written you must give up one kind to have another.
I believe that, too. Just not *right now*. <3
So much love, Effy. <3 My own aging stuff (I'm 55) is about health stuff and being-alone stuff. My situation is different, I'm married, but my aging stuff with the being-alone stuff happens when my anxiety-mind goes to the future and I think about how my husband is 11 years older than I am, and how we have no children or grandchildren, and thanks to deaths and people moving we have almost no family in our immediate area anymore. I'm sending many good hopes for you to have what you want. <3
Oh, that all sounds very scary, love. I see you. I know those ‘who’s going to be there’ fears all too well.
Hi Effy! You give me some food for thought. At my age, 71, I find that what I want is much less tangible than when I was younger. I want to keep working because I so love what I do. I want to keep deepening my relationships with the people in my life I care about. I hope to be able to write and publish a little more. Mostly I want to
Looks like your comment cut off there. <3
you words expand me … pry me open and give me all the feels.
even the simple … I want things … because it feels like a declaration of permission … and we all need more of those.
Thank you.
Oh, yes. I’m just now wrapping my head around it being *okay to want things*. Even impossible or unlikely things. Letting myself want them without shame is a huge step for me.
Sending encouragement and a thought.A broken relationship takes two people to listen, understand, and forgive. Both people have to let all negative thoughts go. If one or both hold back, the unacknowledged negativity will just eat the relationship up. Going on as a couple, both need to let the previous relationship die. And take the new positive thoughts on a new journey (relationship). The one rule that cant be broken, is bringing up past mistakes in the new one. If you or your partner cant let go and forgive and move on, the relationship wont be healthy for either of you. I hope this can help you!!! Feel better soon….keep rockin on!
Thank you. I have a really excellent therapist, and I save my requests for advice on these matters for her. <3
What do I want? Easy…to be in less pain and participate in life!!!
Oh, yes! That’s legit!
Oh Effy, your heart break touches my heart. I’ve been following your blog for a long time, and I feel for you. And I want for you the things you want for you. Many hugs.
Thank you, Lisa. <3
*hugs*
Is it sufficient answer to say I want to know what it is that I want? I learned how to do links! Not sure it’s what I wanted to do, but it is the thing I got.
https://cazzylineonline.blogspot.com.au/2017/09/why-now.html
Yay! GO YOU!
So glad my life path helped me find you. At 59, I’m approaching the big 6-0 and feel much the same as you do about the aging part. As for the rest, judging from my last ten years . . . it gets better. Trust your gut, trust the process, you will be where you are supposed to be in every moment. Thanks again for the September blog challenge. I made today’s post with one minute to spare. ;-)
(I have two blogs, so today it’s the MAD Goddess!)
https://madgoddess.com/2017/09/02/happiness-is-wanting-what-you-have/
Thank you, Judith. <3 And you're welcome!
Oh Effy, this post…..this post is all of the things I love about you…..yeah for September birthdays! Boo for crazy chin hairs! Thanks for sharing and inspiring……
I kinda find the chin hairs amusing. :)
you have a way with words that gives me a visual image and feeling! After I left my abusive first husband I decided I didn’t need any man for anything. I found after 4-5 years I had set myself up to be self sustaining but I was lonely and wanted to share it all with someone! I met and remarried in 1975 and while not always easy it has given me more then I could ever have hoped for. I am 65 years old now and the aging crap has really started taking its toll. hang in there! Something good is coming your way.
I’m sorry about the aging crap. <3 I hear it can feel like a betrayal, especially if we really took care of ourselves. <3 Wishing you ease, lovely.
I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m getting too comfortable in my alone-ness. And the vision of the future lover snoring next to me is fading while I hog the entire bed. I imagine I am no longer able to be loved in this lifetime, just like the last one. Perhaps the next… I love you Ms Wild.
I love you, too. <3
I love this…the writing that is. It’s raw and it’s beautiful. It rings true. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.
Thank you for putting your eyes and attention on my little life. <3
My husband adores me. But at times I feel a deep loneliness. I made a decision to stay with him and grow old together because I did not want to grow old alone. Sometimes I have regrets, but mostly not. Most days are fine. I live a life most people would envy There is nothing I really need or want. So I remember that and stay grateful.
Oh, honey. <3 I see you there doing what you think is right.