Before I dive into today’s post, and in light of yesterday’s post, I give you this update!He’s home! YAY! Kermit FLAILS!
Okay, NOW I can blog.
My brain is an asshole. Or maybe I have OCD. (My therapist will love that I’m self-diagnosing again. *Snort*) Either way, this is a thing that’s true for me right now.
I have these terrible thoughts that just will not let me be.
They go like this:
“Why are you still here. Isn’t it time you checked out already?”
“No one is ever going to love you, you know. You are going to die alone.”
“He/She is just humouring you. It’s pitiful. You’re pathetic.”
“You’re dying, you know. Right now. Cancer. I’m certain.”
This one, if someone is late/hasn’t called in a while, etc. “Maybe they DIED! Go check the news/call the hospitals!”
I wake up with these thoughts, and thoughts similar to these almost *every. single. morning.* The “why are you still here” thought is the most insidious, the most soul-crushing. The ‘you will never be loved’ thought is so cruel that there are times that I start weeping when it comes, because that thought? That’s even worse than the ‘you’re dying’ thought. I’d rather die than live unloved. That is a true fact.
Over time, I’ve learned to address these thoughts as though they are not my own, because that seems to work to calm them. ‘What the fuck, brain! Stop being such an asshole!”‘is my most common refrain. It sounds cruel, I know, and not very self-loving, but it actually does help to calm the churning sea of omgdoom that the thoughts stir up in me, so I’ll go with it.
I had a rare unguarded moment with a friend last week wherein the fact that I struggle with this just popped out of my mouth unbidden. “How are you?” she asked, and she’s one of those friends who doesn’t ask that lightly, so I said “Oh, you know. Okay, except for the whole waking up wanting to die thing.”
I had to elaborate because it is actually not as alarming as it sounds. It’s *just thoughts*, I assured her. I have no intention of going anywhere. There’s no plan to check out in place. I just *think these things* and it is awful, but it isn’t a thing I’m going to act on.
My other friend was nodding, and she shared that she has these kinds of thoughts, too. These insidious, deeply disturbing, motherfucking thoughts just come over her sometimes. Hers are a bit different from mine – they aren’t about self-annihilation, but about her general worthiness & goodness – but the impact is the same. We are left shaken, shaking our heads. We wonder, sometimes out loud:
I have no pretty red bow to tie this post up with. I’m just sharing this because maybe you know me to be that shiny, glitter flinging, kermit failing woman you see on social media who always posts a bright GOOD MORNING! COFFEE? like she’s *not* struggling with an internal terrorist. Maybe you have your own version of an internal terrorist and so you see my happy morning posts and suck your teeth at me because no one has the right to be THAT UPBEAT when here you are, rising every morning with thoughts of self-annihilation to contend with before the coffee brews.
I guess I want you to know that you’re not alone. I guess I want to know that I’m not alone. I guess I want us both to know everyone has intrusive thoughts. Some of us can just let them go. I’m not one of those people.
So when you see me posting my GOOD MORNINGS on social media, I want you to know. I had to take my brain firmly in hand and shut it the fuck up before I was able to muster up some kind of optimism. A battle takes place every morning before coffee, and every morning, I win, because I’m here. Day after day. Wishing you a good morning.
TODAY’S NUDGE: What is something you struggle with? What battles are you fighting that most people know nothing about? What’s something about you or your life that makes you feel weird, or different, or isolated?
There’s a bunch of us blogging along in September. Find out more here, or pop your email address in the box below, and I’ll send you a nudge to blog every day along with a link to my daily writings.