Before I dive into today’s post, and in light of yesterday’s post, I give you this update!
He’s home! YAY! Kermit FLAILS!
Okay, NOW I can blog.
My brain is an asshole. Or maybe I have OCD. (My therapist will love that I’m self-diagnosing again. *Snort*) Either way, this is a thing that’s true for me right now.
I have these terrible thoughts that just will not let me be.
They go like this:
“Why are you still here. Isn’t it time you checked out already?”
“No one is ever going to love you, you know. You are going to die alone.”
“He/She is just humouring you. It’s pitiful. You’re pathetic.”
“You’re dying, you know. Right now. Cancer. I’m certain.”
This one, if someone is late/hasn’t called in a while, etc. “Maybe they DIED! Go check the news/call the hospitals!”
It’s like looking into a mirror!
I wake up with these thoughts, and thoughts similar to these almost *every. single. morning.* The “why are you still here” thought is the most insidious, the most soul-crushing. The ‘you will never be loved’ thought is so cruel that there are times that I start weeping when it comes, because that thought? That’s even worse than the ‘you’re dying’ thought. I’d rather die than live unloved. That is a true fact.
Over time, I’ve learned to address these thoughts as though they are not my own, because that seems to work to calm them. ‘What the fuck, brain! Stop being such an asshole!”‘is my most common refrain. It sounds cruel, I know, and not very self-loving, but it actually does help to calm the churning sea of omgdoom that the thoughts stir up in me, so I’ll go with it.
***
I had a rare unguarded moment with a friend last week wherein the fact that I struggle with this just popped out of my mouth unbidden. “How are you?” she asked, and she’s one of those friends who doesn’t ask that lightly, so I said “Oh, you know. Okay, except for the whole waking up wanting to die thing.”
I had to elaborate because it is actually not as alarming as it sounds. It’s *just thoughts*, I assured her. I have no intention of going anywhere. There’s no plan to check out in place. I just *think these things* and it is awful, but it isn’t a thing I’m going to act on.
My other friend was nodding, and she shared that she has these kinds of thoughts, too. These insidious, deeply disturbing, motherfucking thoughts just come over her sometimes. Hers are a bit different from mine – they aren’t about self-annihilation, but about her general worthiness & goodness – but the impact is the same. We are left shaken, shaking our heads. We wonder, sometimes out loud:
Natalie Dee is BRILLIANT.
I have no pretty red bow to tie this post up with. I’m just sharing this because maybe you know me to be that shiny, glitter flinging, kermit failing woman you see on social media who always posts a bright GOOD MORNING! COFFEE? like she’s *not* struggling with an internal terrorist. Maybe you have your own version of an internal terrorist and so you see my happy morning posts and suck your teeth at me because no one has the right to be THAT UPBEAT when here you are, rising every morning with thoughts of self-annihilation to contend with before the coffee brews.
I guess I want you to know that you’re not alone. I guess I want to know that I’m not alone. I guess I want us both to know everyone has intrusive thoughts. Some of us can just let them go. I’m not one of those people.
So when you see me posting my GOOD MORNINGS on social media, I want you to know. I had to take my brain firmly in hand and shut it the fuck up before I was able to muster up some kind of optimism. A battle takes place every morning before coffee, and every morning, I win, because I’m here. Day after day. Wishing you a good morning.
xo
Effy
P.S. Here’s some information on intrusive thoughts, and here’s an article that gave me hope and made me feel less isolated.
TODAY’S NUDGE: What is something you struggle with? What battles are you fighting that most people know nothing about? What’s something about you or your life that makes you feel weird, or different, or isolated?
There’s a bunch of us blogging along in September. Find out more here, or pop your email address in the box below, and I’ll send you a nudge to blog every day along with a link to my daily writings.
You are not alone and I hear you.
<3 Thanks, babe.
Hi Effy,
First of all, I am glad you are here and that every morning you choose to step up to greet the world.
I have struggled with PTSD in the past and chronic depression. Since my open heart surgery I find myself fighting depression once again. I should be overjoyed and grateful to be given this new lease on life. Instead I feel shame because I failed my body and my body failed me. (I know that’s not rational but that’s what’s in my head).
Anyways, I always admire the way you put yourself out there. I wanted to join in on the blogging but the idea of speaking my truth to the world brings up old crappy feelings. Thanks for being such a courageous example.
Love, Carissa
Those crappy feelings are a bear. <3
My middle of the night chant is “sleep …don’t think … sleep … don’t think .. sleep .. don’t think”. You get the point. Sometime it works, but mostly it doesn’t. I am an 8 year breast cancer survivor. “They” say “you look at life differently after something like that happens .. you value things more” , etc. The thing is, I don’t feel any different and that concerns me because I keep hearing “them” and “others” say this. My art is another thing I struggle with. I hear people telling me how amazing it is .. and I instantly think to myself “really? seriously? I don’t think so” . Why can’t we let ourselves love ourselves like others love us?
Mine is “One, Two, One, Two…” Works amazingly well.
I count backwards, from 100. If my thoughts intrude, start counting again. Once I can stay on the count, I rarely get to 80 before I’m out. I also stay awake watching news and facebooking until my eyes are shutting,so it’s more like passing out than falling asleep.
I find that counting 1, 2, 1, 2 helps me quite a lot.
I love your good morning coffees.
And please know you are not alone…….my negative, self critical thoughts appear as I’m trying to sleep….hence my permanent state of tiredness…which those thoughts jump on early evening if I’m over tired.
I am going to take advice from Tiare and write down all these thoughts in my journal and obliterate them with happy, colourful paint.
Hugs xx
That sounds like a plan!
You’re not alone. Keep fighting. Thank you for sharing this!
<3 <3 <3 My pleasure.
Thank you so very much.
Always my pleasure. <3
I always read your posts via email, and just HAD to swing in. I love your candid posts, but this one is my favorite. It can be so hard to not be constantly wearing a mask of feel-good in the art journaling community. It’s so full of love and support that it can be scary to be the one who “brings ’em down.” But then—once in a while—I see someone be honest about internal pain and I get excited because they’re helping to break the stigma, being genuine, and giving me a little more courage all in one swoop! It’s beautiful, you’re beautiful, and I thank you!
Thank you. <3 You made me smile.
Damn those chattering brain thoughts. They well and truly suck. I watch Netflix or read a book til I fall asleep when I’m having a moment. Anything for a distraction. Hugs for you, a wonderful sharing post :) xo
I go for pints with good friends, too. :D <3
Dear Effy,
You so are NOT alone.
I used to work at one of the busiest intersections at a Sonic in my tweens.
Id hear a siren and go oh no. I need to call my MOM. I need to call my DAD. I need to call my brother.
Eventually my friends and family learned I am just over protective. And I have that Momma bear gene.
If it feels better for them to use that term let them.
Im just an old worry wort soul!
Yeah, I’m a worry wart, too.
“What the fuck, brain?” OMG. This is brilliant in its straight-to-the-fucking-pointedness.
Thank you. Keep fighting the good fight. ❤
And it actually works!
Oh Darling Effy, thank you so much for this post. And yes my brain can surely be an asshole too with a basketfull of mental health diagnoses and my bipolar brain prattling on everyday, “OH MY GOD YOU’RE 63 NOW AND THERE’S NO HOPE FOR YOU AND IT’S TOO LATE FOR EVERYTHING, YOU ARE FUCKING DOOMED!!!” And so on. Your posts are so perfect and help me so much. Thank you for sharing dearheart. May we each find moments of peace and ease to see us through… <3
I love that blessing you gave me. Thank you. xo
Thanks so much Effy. I needed this today, and a certain somebody I can share the links with needs it too. I’m going to go think my thinks now, and keep an eye out for the assholes among them. ;-)
I’m glad I was able to be of service. <3
Oh Effy, you make such a difference, brains really can be tricksy arseholes ❤️
Oh yes, they sure can. <3
I relate. So much. There are times (sometimes long stretches of time) when I have these kinds of intrusive thoughts, along with some seemingly-overwhelming emotions (or numbness) to go along with them, all the damn-long day, and the past few years it’s seemed to be happening more and more. My brain and I have a complicated relationship. Thank you for sharing this, for sharing you. <3
Thanks for taking it in. <3
Thank you so much Effy!
P.S. I adore your Kermit flails
Thank you. <3
My brain is an asshole too. Like all the damn time. And when it isn’t being one, I’m thinking what are you up to now.
Hah! Like toddlers and kittehs. “Why is it so quiet in here…”
Oh darling girl, been there, set up home, wore a groove in the carpet.
I used to say my ‘pit’ was so homely it had a fire, an armchair…and books! (Well if was going to live the rest of my life in depressive misery i might as well make m6self comfortable!)
Not so much these days…but the recovery was long and arduous.
Just wanted to say…it Can happen. The thoughts Can be beaten. There IS Hope.
Thank you, love. <3
I’m glad I’m not the only one that gets thoughts like that. Not normally when I wake up but when I’m trying to sleep! Thanks brain, it’s not like I need some calm rest or anything! Thanks for sharing and glad your son got home to you ok xx
I think that’s why that chardonnay cut with perrier before bed has become mandatory. :)
This resonates a lot with me. It helps to know I am not the only one, not that I wish it on anyone. Thank you for sharing the link.
Not alone by a long shot, if the comments are any indication. <3
Sorry you’re feeling this way, that your brain works like that. I could say mine doesn’t, but that would be true, just not that bad (or am I not listening?). Well good for you for letting it out.
And I’m glad your son is home! Take care both of you.
(Question – were we to add our blogpost at the bottom of yours each day?)
Yep. Guess we all have brain issues. I posted about being directionally challenged. It is a ton of fun (not). But I manage with it. Thanks for this blog fest. Much love. xx
I’m so glad that you are winning the battle every morning, Effy! Your place in this world is important. You are important. And so many of us are grateful that you exist! AND that picture, that picture, right at the top, yes that one… brought tears to my eyes. From my mama’s heart to your mama’s heart… I’m glad your son is finally home!
You are not alone. My brain loves your brain, just so you know… Yeah, I know…but maybe your peeps know you better than that asshole believes…just sayin.
……and so I thought it was only me. Well, I knew I wasn’t the only one that had weird thoughts, but of this nature. As soon as I get an unusual pain or something, I immediately think the worst is happening to me. I never tell anyone and I have to tell myself, don’t be goofy….but I am going to take time to read the articles. I have it under control but it will be good information to have.
I am right there with you & I love the phrase “internal terrorist” – that nails it. Thanks for sharing & hope it helps to know you’re not alone.
Yeah, it just popped into my brain when I was trying to describe it! I was like *ohhhhhhhh, yes. that!*
I call those voices “Hell’s Chorus.” They are bullies and liars. They say terrible, mean, rotten, scary things. Right now, those voices are much quieter than they’ve been in the past. I’m thinking, I may have abandoned them in FL. Let them rot in the sulfurous swampland! LOL.
I’ve been known to say, right out loud, “You are a liar! That’s not true! You shut up!”
I also list the people who I know love– the good people who would never lie to me about loving me. So, I’ll say, “Yeah? Unlovable? Effy loves me and Jade loves me, my kids love me” and on and on until I’m laughing at myself.
You are not alone.
I love you.
You are loved now. You have been loved before. You will always be loved. Tell the Terrorist that Karina said so! <3
That last bit there about being loved now, before, and always felt like magicks. <3 Thank you.