Today, I want to offer you up some writing I did for Moonshine for the month of April. It feels good to be writing the way I’ve been writing for this program, and all feedback I’ve gotten has been super positive. I hear it over and over again, every time a new monthly PDF comes out, that the content is way more than anyone bargained for when they signed up. You can imagine how ridiculously happy this makes me.
April’s theme is “You are the storm” and we are exploring the idea of building resilience by *being with our feelings* instead of stuffing them, ignoring them, downplaying them, or tidying ourselves for ‘public consumption’ even when we are in private. It felt especially powerful to be writing about this in Spring, when the earth gets super messy. SUPER messy. Everything springing to life all willy nilly, mud everywhere, rain bruising tender shoots of green while nourishing them.
April is a particularly messy month for me, personally, too, since it includes within its calendar pages a particularly painful anniversary. What were we thinking, calling April Fool’s our anniversary? It’s a little like calling your child “Kali” and then coming up all surprised when she’s a total hell cat of a kid.
Anyway…I have been in the storm for grief for four years now, and in that time, I’ve had to befriend uncertainty, learn to be with grief in a fully embodied way, learn to tell the truth through tears more regularly than I’d like. I *could* have just cut him off entirely. I could have just amputated, and left the limb of our love wither and die. It might have been easier. It might have been a more ‘reasonable’ thing to do. But it wouldn’t have worked for me, because whatever there was of love between us was (and is) still in the thing, and I felt a spiritual imperative to preserve that part, to work through the rage, the sorrow, the death of what was dying without killing it all once and for all.
I may regret that. I don’t know. I know I’ve gotten a lot of judgement over these past four years about it all. What am I doing hosting him at my house every Friday? Friday is date night. Friday is for lovers. Why can’t I just get over it? Why am I still hanging on? Why do I give so much to someone who could *never show up*? What was wrong with me?
Well, nothing. I just don’t do endings the way I’m ‘supposed’ to, I guess. I navigate them by a different set of coordinates. I am not looking to get out from underneath the pain by any means necessary. I’m looking for metamorphosis, for alchemy. I’m looking to renegotiate terms and turn longing and desire into something that no longer turns itself on me and burns me to a crispy fried Goddess Of Never Not Broken.
And it’s working. I mean, I think it is. My therapist seems to agree. I have let this grief work me, work through me, work me over. I have let it shape my body, my face. I’ve learned new love languages. I’ve learned to love without laying claim, planting a flag of ownership, possessing a person.
I rode the storm, and now I am the storm.
Anyway, here’s the PDF from Moonshine for April. May it serve you well.
About The Blog Along
Every year, twice a year, once in April, and again in September, I blog every day for a month, and invite others to do the same. We have a Facebook group, and in that group the only rule is that for every link you post to your own blog, you go off and read three other blogs and leave a comment. This is simply a way to ensure that a community happens rather than just a ‘promo’ group. You’re welcome to join in as long as you are willing to read and comment on three blogs for every blog you post. Click here to join us! If you’re too busy for that, you’re welcome to just blog on your own for a month. Easy peasy. No one is keeping score. There are no prizes except that you get to build your own readership by regularly populating your blog with good content.
To read all my entries for the Blogalong, please click here to access the Blogalong With Effy Category on my blog.