I have not had many words about this last week or so in my life, and the words I have had have been mostly reserved for emails to my therapist, to the people involved, and my private journal, so blogging just didn’t happen.
I was about to apologize, but no. That is such a Canadian thing to do, eh? Instead, I’m going to thank you for giving me some space to figure my shit out over the last few days, and to those of you who are still participating in the month long Blog Along, thank you for continuing to do your thing even while I had to go blanket fort for a while.
My boundaries are shifting a lot, lately, which is a thing that’s bound to happen when one has been in therapy for five years. But the thing about shifting boundaries is that there are going to be people in your life who will experience these shifts as personal attacks. Suddenly, you’ve got your hand up with a big FUCK NO (as gently as you can, but still. NO), and that can be a shock to their system, because up until that moment, they were getting a lot of softness and yielding and maybe even fawning. And if they haven’t also been in therapy for five years, well, their reaction to your shifting boundaries can be emotionally violent, and since my boundaries are relatively new, and since putting them in place in the first place has been difficult and painful, and traumatic, well…
I’m a bit of a quivering bundle of overwhelmed nervous system.
All of this is made more difficult by the fact that I can’t, in good conscience, write about it except in the vaguest and most cryptic terms, which I loathe doing, so I try to avoid that. I share what I need to share with the people I need to share it with in order that I can get the support I need to get through it, but otherwise, no. Just, no. Not telling these stories. FUCK these stories. Though I may share with my patrons when things shake out a bit more and I’ve gleaned the wisdom out of it.
Meanwhile, there’s this list of things that are coming due at the end of this month, and I’ve had a few seriously glitches that have put me way behind schedule. On Sunday, I was all proud of myself because I was ahead of the game with filming, and then I realized that my computer somehow lost THREE HOURS OF FILMING. I spent three hours looking for the files before I finally threw my hands up in despair. Thanks, Universe! You sure do know how to kick a girl when she’s down sometimes!
The last two days, I could have really pushed myself to just ‘get ‘er done’, but I didn’t. I did a lot of deep breathing, and laying in bed with the fur babes listening to audio books. I did a lot of mindless Netflix surfing, and swilling all the wine, and eating ALL THE CARBS as a way to self-soothe (oops, but damn, those potato skins were GOOD!). I hunkered down, and let the fur babes tend me – they’re such lovely little attendants, you know? It’s like, they can sense my system overload, and they just quietly press their little bodies to my back or hip or thigh, and soothe just by being there.
I’m pretty sure all that was needful and good, but it’s left me looking at my list with a wild eyed omgdoom feeling that I hope will pass when I start to slay the list. I managed to get a big chunk of the writing part of it done yesterday, even though I was feeling like I was probably only going to churn out gibberish. It wasn’t gibberish, thankfully, and thankfully, I have the world’s best beta reader in place who is always ready to read my things and tell me if they are or are not gibberish. (Thank you, Muppet!).
So today is for an easing back in to doing the things that need to be done so I can fulfill my obligations to my Wildlings. There needs to be a full moon painting, with all the accompanying musings, a pdf about the month of May, (written, check!) a supplemental PDF about the hinge of the year (Beltaine and Samhain – written, CHECK!), for Moonshine, an edition of Journal52 to release (art made, CHECK!), and a brand new lesson for Book of Days (which is the filming I lost) on using charcoal and limited palettes. I’ve also got a bunch of promo stuff to do if I’m going to survive the second half of the year. There’s a huge giveaway coming, a sale on a thing, and an announcement about another thing I’m teaching in, a new post for the design team I’m on, a lesson due for a thing in June, and a new edition of Mixed Tape Monthly so I can get back on track with the publishing schedule over on there.
Then there’s this apartment, which is swiftly getting out of hand in the disaster department. And in the midst of all that, I’m trying to do some healing, and have some social time, and get outside a little bit to enjoy the onset of spring. And I just started my period.
So, you know. Send mojo. I’mma need it.
I think that’s all I can manage today. I just needed to yield back into the blogging thing with a bit of a brain dump. Thanks, as ever, for listening.
About The Blog Along
Every year, twice a year, once in April, and again in September, I blog every day for a month, and invite others to do the same. We have a Facebook group, and in that group the only rule is that for every link you post to your own blog, you go off and read three other blogs and leave a comment. This is simply a way to ensure that a community happens rather than just a ‘promo’ group. You’re welcome to join in as long as you are willing to read and comment on three blogs for every blog you post. Click here to join us! If you’re too busy for that, you’re welcome to just blog on your own for a month. Easy peasy. No one is keeping score. There are no prizes except that you get to build your own readership by regularly populating your blog with good content.
To read all my entries for the Blogalong, please click here to access the Blogalong With Effy Category on my blog.