NOTE: This post is part curated from my archives (the Bed Head Diaries), and part present day.
The world is hugely heavy right now, and my life is hugely heavy.
A purse dump of happenings:
I am in the middle of a unexpected move, which is a positive change, (I have a view that isn’t my neighbours doing the naked dash and a dishwasher and a gorgeous walk in shower, and my rent went up but only by about $50 a week), but it’s a change that came at crunch time for several projects I’m working on. This means I am a frazzled mess. Like, seriously frazzled. Grateful for my friends who show up big time and put up with the ‘I’m going to stick a fork in your face’ look that takes over my usually pleasant features while I’m a frazzled mess. And,
I had to put my lovely dog, Sasha, down at the end of May, which broke my heart and broke the dam that held back some long unresolved grief. And,
I am supposed to be going on vacation on from the 13th of June to the 17th of June, and this move, and all the work that is due has to be completed before I leave. And,
Anthony Bourdain died. I can’t even talk about it without crying. You have no idea what he means to me, what role he’s played in my spiritual lineage. I am devastated. And this triggered some more long unresolved grief. And,
My relationship with my ex has shifted from every Friday on my couch to I only ever see him when necessary. We are distant with one another. We are civil, but not warm. We are, finally, exes, and it feels fucking awful and I do not want this even though it’s what’s good for both of us at this time. And,
I have a huge tax bill about to come due, and it is very huge. Did I mention huge? It’s huge. And,
Other stuff I can’t talk about because discretion and not airing other people’s bad behaviour out on my laundry line. And,
The world. This whole fucking world. This scary, enormous fucking heavy fucking world.
This is me today.
I am trying for soft. I am trying for willing to be open to the possibility that everything is falling apart so better things can come together. I am trying for gentle, with myself, with you…
I am luggage under my eyes. I am so stressed, I can *literally* barely focus my eyes, which will *not stop twitching*. I am procrastitweeting and procrastiworking and procrastidoodling and procrastipanicking.
I am spent, but still pushing. I am my shadow written all over my face. I am ‘woe’ and ‘why me’ and #firstworldproblems and whine and wine.
I am also premenstrual, and I have been eating utter crap, and I am retaining water, and my eyes keep leaking without notice.
I am inconsolable, and walking around holding my guts in, and wondering what the point is. I am worst case scenarios. I am unable to recognize my own face in the mirror (who is this haggard looking person?) I am worn. the fuck. out. I am ready for a change, and yet terrified of what change will bring.
I am terrified. I am lonely. I am struggling. I am striving, but definitely not, at this particular moment in time, thriving.
Maybe you are some of the above, too, or all of the above or some combination of some of the above + stuff I can’t even imagine. Or maybe you’re just fine. (Could you send me some of that? With some dark chocolate and a Valium? Thank you.)
Wherever you’re at, I offer you this:
We’re going to be okay. I believe it even when I don’t believe it. I believe it because the story isn’t over yet. There is still story left in the story. We’re just in a really shitty part of the book. Let’s keep reading, okay? Take my hand. Hold on tight. Flip the page.
We’re going to be okay.
“Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.” – The Talmud
Hold my hand. We’ve got this. We’re going to be okay.
xo
Effy
Sigh. Thanks for sharing this Effy. My world is not full of Big Stressors right now, and I’m struggling with the notion that this means I should be Automatically Okay. Like, the sun is out, nothing is on fire. So therefore I must Be Good. I must have guilt for taking my second self care day in a week from my stable and gainful employment. I have “nothing” to be depressed about right now. Except, well, depression. Motherfucker.
ANYWAY, thanks for sharing and reminding me about gentleness. I’m trying, I really am.
Repeat. We are going to be ok.
So sorry you’re going through so much now. Sending you lots of love.
I was diagnosed with kidney stones so I have all sort of pains that come and go. Urologist appointment is a little more than a month away. But we’re going to be okay. There’s light at the end of the tunnel ❤️
Any day that you put one foot in front of the other is a win, Effy. You can do this! I have been to the darkest depths of hell, and I KNOW that just taking that one step at a time is what it takes. If you squint, you can see sunshine on the other side.
Big love to you Effy. I admire your openness and frankness. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a rough time. I have been there myself and I wish I could help you. All I can do is leave this quote:
This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, ‘Hey you. Can you help me out?’ The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, ‘Father, I’m down in this hole can you help me out?’ The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on
Then a friend walks by, ‘Hey, Joe, it’s me can you help me out?’ And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, ‘Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.’ The friend says, ‘Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.’
I hope all of us can be your friend who jumps down in the hole with you, because we know the way out.
Dear one, you are Ok, craziness intact. Breathe and let the universe support you, allow the joy in. Just a crack, just a breath. Allow that all your amazing work has worked and that this is the results of your love, your giving, your opening. You are so loved, tidal waves of love to you.
Thank you for sharing.
I can relate to some of what you’re going through. (different circumstances – but similar feelings and thoughts).
*Hugs* (if you’re ok with that).
I hope you’re right, that we’re all going to be ok.
The song “Hands” by Jewel keeps coming to mind.
Big, big hugs to you and a dose of courage for the next steps. Your honesty and open heart are such inspirations to me.
Hearing and seeing you. witnessing. Holding your hand. We are going to be okay
Take good care of yourself, be gentle and kind and loving to yourself.
Take a breath, then another. You got this! You’ve been in worse situations. We are going to be OK!
Oh, Effy, how I relate. I’m holding onto your hand and walking with you through the darkness till we can get to the other side. I’m loving you and telling you stories so you can make it through the night. I’ll even sing you to sleep.
Hi Effy Close your eyes and tale a deep cleansing breath then read my words, I am so glad you have entered my path ,you are a unique and spiritual person . I have enjoyed your lessons on other forums the last couple of years and this year decided to go with just BOD and Moonshine they just called to me. I have not completed one lesson yet , I have just broken through a major depression and you will see my name soon. One step,one breath ,one moment in time and it seems you have suddenly arrived. Peace be with you beautiful lady ;the journey is worth it.
((Hugs)) and yeah, I am going through dark, worrisome stuff too. Here’s me holding your hand. Love ya, sister.
Dear dear Effy,
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. You will be ok. Day by day or moment by moment you’ll get through this. You are so loved.
Wishing you
love, light and peace
lovely lady. Be well. 💕💐💜
I thought about you when I heard about Anthony Bourdain and offered a minute of silence for your heart. Yes, you…we are going to be okay. Take good care. 🌷
I don’t know why life at times feels like it has to do a major dump on us sometimes. You want to say OK I can handle this and a few things would have been a heck of a lot easier than all at once. I just wanted to add lean on your family and friends, they want you to, they want to help you as I am so sure you have done the same for them. Take Care.
Hi Effy
I KNOW those feelings! Sometimes life is just the shits….and then it’s not. Sending you love, my shoulder, and my hope. ❤️
Ram Dass says we’re all just walking each other home…some of what you’ve said here is giving me an arm to lean on (the recent election was about the last straw). So I’m holding out an arm for you, sending love and respect, and hoping we—and all the rest of us here—can just keep going, picking each other up and offering encouragement. Moving sucks—but it is so worth it when it is all done.
So much all at once, Effy. But I’m glad you reached out and shared where you’re at. May you feel the strength and comfort of this love that surrounds you. 💖
Crying big fat tears all over freshly made up work face. You have such a gift for ever so gently breaking a heart wide open xo
Sending you unicorn hugs as they are the best and most magical in times of need.xx
Dearest Effy, not the events, not the words, but so much the emotion felt in the spaces between resonate with how I’m feeling. Sometimes it feels like I have taken a vow of silence my whole life. No matter what people do, whether it is to me, or to others, I hold it all within and say nothing. I wonder how it is someone like me can have so much room inside to contain the emotions I am unable to let go and express. How can one person hold so much and no one even guess at the magnitude of it all which is held so deeply within the person they are speaking and laughing with? I don’t write about it because if I do I will discover that no one is listening. Even as I write this, in response to what I just read, I am sure I won’t post it because what use is there if no one is listening. Or even worse, that we have grown into a society that peeks in and then turns aside because it is too raw and we feel there isn’t anything we can do. I have been in the darkest of places lately, feeling like there is no way out, that it will never end, that no matter what I do, nothing will help and it will just continue to get worse. What is the use of struggling when those struggles gain us nothing but more heartache, pain and darkness? To see the light at the end of the tunnel, grow brighter, then dim, grow a bit brighter then dim again, feels all too much like a never ending game that eats away at my endurance, leaving me with less and less willpower or desire to continue to endure. What would happen if I just gave up? No, I’m not talking suicide. I’m talking about no longer fighting against the inevitable. To just let go, kind of like when taking a rollercoaster ride for the first time, fighting against all that fear that is felt as it slowly climbs to the top of the highest peak, knowing it will plummet downward on a steep decline with the feeling of racing out of control. Then that sudden rush of letting it all go, when reaching the bottom, that sudden realization of surviving and the thought ‘well, that wasn’t so bad after all’ hits and the rest rides on that sense of surviving. What if I was able to wake up every day, and just see that day, be within that day, and nothing else existed outside of it? What would that be like? Would I be able to dispel the darkness and find joy again?
Today is my birthday. I want to gift myself a day which contains no worries, no fears, no hiding, no… etc. I want to gift myself a day of creating beautiful moments, like this of writing to you what is in my heart, mind and soul. Thank you for exposing yourself to us. In doing so, you give me permission to let just a tiny bit of what I hold inside leak out. <3 ~Patti
Dear Patti,
I listened. I heard you.
And believe it or not, I even understand what you are saying.
xoxo
Thank you, LIsa. I hear you as well. <3 ~Patti
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Thank you for being thoughtful enough to share. Yes, thoughtful. Because you recognize that everyone goes through this…at least, everyone with self-awareness. While you are reaching out for comfort, your being honest with your struggles is comforting for us–at least in a “no one is alone” sort of way. I understand the impact of the whole heavy fucking world. It’s overwhelming right now…and just seems to be getting worse. I’m strongly affected by it too. I try to remind myself that as much horribleness that is out there, there’s at least as much goodness, we sometimes just have to unpile the shit to find it. My heart goes out to you about your dog. That’s always tough. Grief is indeed the price we pay for love. I also understand the reaction to Anthony Bourdain’s death. I wasn’t even a strong follower and it floored me, which was super unexpected. Please hang on. I love and value your work and contributions to art and humankind. Wishing you peace and tranquility soon. Hugs.