I. It is not a good idea to forget to eat on a day when you are already in a trauma response. Especially when the day includes lots of wine, whisky, Robaxacet (for the skating related tailbone pain) and Caesars. Trust me on this. It leads to things like believing your boyfriend is breaking up with you when he *is doing no such thing*.

Melt down.

Thankfully, we worked it through, because he is my home now and there’s no where else for me to go but towards him, even when I’m terrified.

II. That feeling when your brain *won’t stop can’t stop* being guarded and full of mistrust, but your body is totally on board with the unguarded trusting thing. It takes my breath away what my body knows and how it responds to that knowing. Something about the tenderness in his eyes when I catch him looking at me like he does. Something about the way he really adores my kids. Like, ADORES. Something about how, when he is here, I am home.

III. Moving in silence from book to dozing, snuggling on the couch. I read a poem that I feel in my body, hand it over so he can read it, and that is a moment I will never forget. The way I just knew I could hand him the poem, knew he’d read it, knew he’d feel it with me.

He touches me lightly every time he turns a page – my hair, my shoulder – a gentling, steadying presence.

He whispers me.

IV.

The Whisperer

You work on my days
like one might work
an unbroken horse

with nickers and whinnies,
now and then, and
steps forward, 

the offered
braided tether,
of your voice,
of your time,
the hand on flank,
and before I can bolt,
your step away.

You whisper me.

I’m no broken thing.
Never have
nor ever will be but
in the face of this

taming, this gentling,
this sweetening
of my fiercest days

I’ll choose to stay.

(Always, my love.)

V. Given how much pain I’m in, I’m pretty sure the area just above my tailbone is either cracked or very, very deeply bruised. Either way. Nothing one can do for that but ice it, and rest it. I have full range of motion, so I know I’ll recover, but damn. So. much. pain. Triggering as holy hell. Being supremely gentle with myself. So is he.

VI. Despite yesterday’s meltdown, Fireball Jenga was super fucking fun. If you lose the round, you take a shot. We made it through three rounds before we all dissolved into fits of laughter and moved on to taking turns making Alexa play whatever music we wanted her to play. There was *not enough food* at this gathering, despite my ordering hundreds of dollars in groceries the day before. We all crashed here, except my kid who took his leave early to let the old people have their party.

He is the most mature of all of us, I think.

That rack though…*cracks up*

VII. Have I told you lately how much I love my kids? Fiercely, and as soon as there is a sincere apology or an expression of regret that I feel in my soul, grace is on board along with the usual dose of mamapants.

VIII. We’ll figure it out. I know this to be true. We will. Figure. It out.

IX. I’m starting to get really excited for fest season which starts on May 17th for me. My friend, Snow, is picking me up for Come Together at Frontier Ghost Town. He’s taking care of all the things like where I’m sleeping. My friend, Dani, will feed me in exchange for cash. All I have to do is show up with a satchel of clothing and some booze, and it’ll be days of music and shenanigans from noon till the ass crack of dawn. Then, Wiccan Fest, in June, which I work (at the registration desk, no less). Then KG, which my love might actually come to (BOUNCE). My daughter and Stacey and I are all going to have the very best most wonderful time. YES. MY DAUGHTER IS FESTING WITH ME THIS YEAR. SO EXCITED. Then, another weekend of debauchery at Come Together Music Festival, and then my very, very favourite fest of the year – Harvestfest.

X. Despite my rollerskating related injury, I’m going to the derby on May 3rd TO OBSERVE and to pick up some protective gear, including those padded shorts that the bad ass derby girls wear. I am bruised, but I will find my feet again. This is a promise I’m making to myself because this one thing is the one redeeming thing from my childhood and I really fucking want to reclaim it.

That’s me, today.

 

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