I. In 2014, I wrote this:
I’m dreaming a dream of a home I love, work I love, a true partnership with a man I am fiercely loved by who I fiercely love, friends over for dinner, festivals, walks, camping trips, random little love notes, texts to check in, hot sex on a regular basis, the certainty that comes with mutual respect and desire…
…a life I’ve always longed for that I’m finally beginning to believe I deserve.
I’m dreaming in colour with sound. I’m dreaming with a willing spirit.
I’m ready to be done with this chapter. I want a whole new book.
II. Almost there, because magics, and 42.
III. If I’ve learned anything in therapy (and in general) it’s that your empathy towards someone who has harmed you is impossible until you fully feel and express your grief and rage. If you suppress either of those things, your empathy is probably more likely to be a ‘fawning’ trauma response.
One of the reasons it has taken me so long to heal from the dissolution of my marriage in 2014 is because I had a very powerful fawning trauma response. I could not own my rage. I could grieve, because that was acceptable to the other party. It seemed to prop him up somehow. Rage, though, resulted in further gaslighting and abuse, so I was kept very firmly hooked in to a cycle of push pull.
I own my part in that. Fully. Completely.
In the past week, I’ve fully moved past grief and fawning, and am in full possession of my rage.
It is empowering. It is a holy no. It is getting me where I want to go.
I’ll take it.
IV. What you’ve been witnessing in me lately are the last vestiges of a trauma bond falling away. I’m sure it’s uncomfortable to look at sometimes, but it is proof that you can experience an enormous amount of trauma, layer after layer of trauma, experience re-traumatization for years, and still heal.
My experience of this has been that it feels a little bit like nothing is really happening until one day HOLY HANNAH LOOK AT THAT! It’s startling. It’s disconcerting. And I’ve been warned that there may be a temptation to replace one trauma bond for another because trauma bonds are known and therefore interpreted as safe.
They’re not, though. They’re insidious and they’re soul-draining, and I’m done with them.
I aim to be vigilant.
V. I slept well for the first time in a week last night, despite my broken ass. Two Robax knocked me out, thank the gods, because I was starting to look like I was storing my entire fifty year history in the bags beneath my eyes.
VI. As I let go of the things that do not serve me, space is being made for things that do. My friendships are deepening. My ability to trust my friends is also deepening. I am able to approach the people I want to include in my inner circle and say OH HEY YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS? It’s still terrifying, but it is happening, and it is a beautiful thing.
VII. I’m going to be live in The Wilderhood today at 12 EDT if you wanna come hang out with me. If you miss the live, the replay will be linked in the files section of the group.
VIII. I treated myself to an iPad Pro and an Apple Pencil and I’m very excited to begin exploring digital art and surface design. Feels like next level stuff. I love the idea of designing fabric. I love the idea of having a way to create on the couch without any need for anything more than Procreate and my pencil. I’ve played with it a bit since it arrived, and it is *powerful*, y’all. Like, I can literally duplicate what I do in mixed media with this thing.
I will never stop loving the messes I make when I fling paint, but this feels like yet another mode of creative expression that I can pack in my toolbox (and my purse!), and that makes me happy and excited.
IX. I’m on the edge of glory.
X. Everything is *almost ready* for May 1st, which puts me significantly ahead of my own schedule. This pleases me.
I’ll see you tomorrow.