Every week, I pick a prompt from my monthly workbook (created for BOD, but freely offered in The Wilderhood), and I write on it. I call this ‘Journal Your Heart Out’.
This week’s prompt, should you choose to engage it is:
“If you could change anything about your life right now, what would it be?”
Letting go of things is extremely easy for me. I declutter like a maniac a few times a year. If I’m not using or enjoying something, I get rid of it. I let my people ‘go shopping’ in my studio regularly, because I often buy things to try, but return to my old faithfuls. I don’t keep clothes that don’t fit. I don’t have a ‘but I might need it later’ attitude. The only things I hoard are books – shelves full of them – some that have travelled with me for twenty years now. That being said, they are actually out and on shelves and even organized, and I genuinely *want* every book I have, so I don’t consider that ‘clutter’
Letting go of other kinds, on the other hand…
Letting go of old tape – the stories in my head about who I am or what’s bound to happen.
Letting go of behaviours – ways of being in the world that no longer serve me, like the fawning trauma response, or the expectation that I be on the ball at all times, or the refusal to ask for what I need for fear of abandonment, or the difficulty I have in setting or maintaining boundaries.
Letting go of habits that drain my life force – one two many glasses of wine in the evening, too much mindless consumption of media (scrolling Facebook, bingeing Netflix), being super sedentary, procrastinating (read: being too overwhelmed or too terrified to do the things that I need to do), prioritizing other people.
Letting go of the way I talk to myself about myself – that harsh inner voice that isn’t very kind to me about the very human things I struggle with, like addiction to nicotine, or extreme resistance to paperwork, doctors, dentists, even writing newsletters. The extremely harsh way I say things like “What the fuck is wrong with you” to myself when I’m struggling. “Why is this still an issue? Why aren’t you over this yet?” Oy.
If I could change anything about my life right now, it would be the way I talk to myself. That’s the one very urgent issue that’s arisen, the thing that keeps coming into my conscious awareness. I’ve started catching myself talking to myself this way. I’ve even identified who this ‘voice’ belongs to (because it ain’t me). My therapist and I are going to be digging into this over the weeks and months to come, and while I am really *resentful* that I have to do this work (because if I’d been well treated, I wouldn’t *have* to do this work!), I am eager to get on with it.
I want to say to myself “Oh, hey, darling human. The struggle is real.” Instead of “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I want to say to myself “I see you there, grappling, you warrior you” instead of “This isn’t that hard, for fuck sakes. Get on with it!” I want to say to myself “If it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t hurt” instead of “Why the fuck aren’t you over this yet?”
That’s what I want.
May speaking it make it so.
And you? What would you change?
P.S. Come find Wild Life #11 over on YouTube where I talk out loud about the way I talk to myself, and create a spread about letting go.