Because this is how we pray.
II.I. – I noticed today that I can feel my sit bones when I stoop sit, and it’s painful.Today, I managed to keep down a mini ice cream bar (but hey! It was Haagen Dazs!), and I’m going to try a peach. Grief doesn’t just steal my appetite like one hears about, it makes me puke, like my whole body says “NOPE” to sustenance. Am I the only one? It does not say no to wine, though, because of course it doesn’t. Pass the wine.
II.II – Make a wish.
II.III. – The dogs keep getting their tie out leads tangled up in the legs of the chairs I tossed on the lawn but never properly arranged. My people tend to spread a blanket out on the lawn and sit on that when we gather, so the chairs are just thrown helter-skelter against the deck, and the dogs, well. They’re dogs so they just weave in and out between the legs until they can weave no more. I’ve untangled them about five times today, and every time I do it, I sigh deeply and patiently and call them silly girls, but I also see the metaphor in it. Getting tangled in the same thing over and over again. I get that. That is my hashtag autobiography, except I am not a dog and I’m losing patience with myself. Never with them, though. It’s not their fault. They don’t know how not to, and I’m the one that threw those chairs there, and I’m the one that hasn’t taken the time to find a better spot to stake their tie out to, so I get up, and I untangle, and I chuckle, and I love them.
I wonder how different life would feel if I were as patient with myself as I am my dogs.
II.IV – The whole blanket on the lawn thing reminds me of a painting by Manet – the way the girls (and I’m old enough to be their mother, so I’m allowed to call them that) display themselves with their naked arms and bellies and thighs and their hopes of being chosen and their shining eyes that gaze directly into the camera when they take their selfies. The way the boys all seemed to be clothed in bluster or meanness or humour and the way they never seem to look directly at you, but only ever at each other or someone other than the one who is looking at them – someone who is probably some other woman.
The look on this woman’s face is so poignant to me right now, and I don’t even know why, and that one in the background who is – what? Sluicing off the aftermath? I feel that, too.
Which reminds me that I have matcha green tea scented bath salts and that’s tonight after we type.
II.V. I am so fucking sick of Zoom but also so grateful it exists because where would I be without those faces that peer in at me through this screen of light with so much empathy and all the soothing noises and the ‘i love yous’ that I can plainly see written in their eyes and the way they hold me with their gaze – the way they express their powerlessness without shrinking away. The way they know they can’t do a goddamned thing, but they *show up anyway*. It’s not what you can do or bring with you when you show up, you know. It’s the showing up that counts.
II. VI. The girls saw me dabbing my eyes with a tissue while I was sitting on the lawn with Kimi yesterday (after the worst phone call of my damned life) and they descended upon me like a flock of angels with vodka shots and commiseration. I was not alone at all yesterday until sleep claimed me, and even then, Sookie found the curve of my hip like she does and Salem curled up around my head like she does. All these lovely girls, both two-foots and four-foots.
The two-foots messaged me this afternoon to check on me and to remind me that I can knock on their door if I need them. Today I needed solitude and all the sad songs, but it’s so good to know there is another option.
II. VII. Silver Springs on repeat because Stevie gets it.
Also, Brandi Carlisle, because she gets it, too.
II.VII. Am I too much? Why does that question keep arising? I wish to banish it from my brainmeats. I am as much as I am. And also, can we talk about the way words aligning with actions and honesty and presence mellow me right the fuck out and soothe my nervous system till I’m practically purring, so I’m starting to think maybe that’s the wrong goddamned question altogether. *Banishes it from the brainmeats*.
II. VIII. A beloved today told me about how she and her love went to a hippie gathering of a sort and they were talking about how awesome it would be to get the land they want to get, and put up little cabins for everyone they love and her love said “then Effy can get her passport and can come hide in the woods and never leave” and it made me cry because I know when they dream dreams that include me, they really fucking mean it.
II. IX. Maybe Mexico is really a thing now.
II. X. I want to go full swamp witch with a side of bitter hag.