I. Chani Nicholas always nails me right to the wall with her new moon horoscopes. Here’s a snippet from this latest one:
I can love you from a distance, until your intentions come into focus, without degrading your humanity. Until I can understand how our most difficult parts clash and most healed parts can work together, I don’t know what our partnership is capable of.
With this New Moon, I ask for the courage to have patience and the wisdom to apply it when needed. I don’t stick around when folks need a time out. I don’t offer myself to those that can’t come through, but I do hold the possibility for humanity to reveal itself without having to be harmed in the process.
Well, Okay Then.
II. Yesterday, I threw down a blanket and gathered up some potting soil, nine little terracotta pots I bought at the dollar store and a pack of herbs I bought back when I was considering planting a Victory Garden. I got black soil under my fingernails and planted nine of my favourite herbs of all time.
Then I set up one of the first pieces of ‘home decor’ I purchased back in 2014 when my marriage ended as their home.
And lo, Happy Herb Babies To Be! it felt very good to *do something* future-oriented, and full of hope.
III. I love where I live.
This is Emily, one of two of the girls who live next door, and her dog Mar.
We always chat a little when she’s coming or going or taking Mar out for a pee, and we plan to go for brunch at some point soon. We also sit out on my front lawn and do vodka shots with Pepsi chasers with my other neighbour, Jessie, who I also adore. Sometimes Kimi joins us, though she tends to stick to the lighter vodka soda or rose because she’s reasonable like that. Sometimes Lee joins us and basks in all the estrogen on offer.
Last night after a *brutal* group therapy session, Jessie and I sat out on my front stoop chainsmoking and commiserating. She sipped a Ceasar and I swilled Chardonnay, and we discovered how similar we are despite our age difference. There was laughter. There was shared righteous indignation. There were eye rolls in the general direction of boys. There were tears.
And then we exchanged books of poetry.
I crawled into bed feeling like everything is bearable because I have people to bear the weight with me. I feel surrounded in a way I’ve never felt before. SHEILD WALL!
IV. I had every intention of filming yesterday but I ended up doing art just for me because my heart was too heavy to quip and chirp like I need to while I’m teaching. I threw a bunch of watercolours down on a sheet of paper and then worked this until I got it from what-the-fuck to ohhhhhhhhhh, yes. This.
Those tangled roots are life.
V. There is a gourmet black pepper salami, a block of 2-year-old cheddar, many kinds of olives, beefsteak tomatoes, and a fresh baguette in my fridge for supper tonight, but first, lunch with Sal, who is traveling in from KW to visit with me today. I bought a new top to wear. I might show you tomorrow.
VI. I am keeping food down and my voice is healing, so let’s Journal Jam next Monday!
VII. There is nothing quite so healing as having someone fully express their rage on your behalf. Thank you, Renee. You help me choose me. I love you.
VIII. I went to the market with Kimi last Saturday, and I’m not going to lie: it was nerve-wracking. There were a lot of people. It was very hot and sweaty and herd-like. Despite wearing a mask, I felt extremely exposed, and I realized after we left the building that I am not ready for that kind of outing. COVID is still a very real thing. It is now the third leading cause of death in the U.S. and while I don’t live in the U.S., if we’re not careful, we could become just like the U.S. I think we’re doing a pretty good job of keeping it at bay here in Canada, but there are little surges happening here and there, especially among younger adults, so I’m scared and willing to be overly cautious. No more market for me until I feel less fraidy cat.
IX. Bijan’s Art Studio, on the other hand…
We went in and swooned and found WORKABLE FIXATIVE OMG YES and you know what? IT IS WALKING DISTANCE FROM MY HOUSE. IS THIS REAL LIFE?
X. When you have trauma, especially around attachment, healing is a process that includes rupture and repair after rupture and repair.
I’m into it. Always have been. It’s working.
*Links pinkies with you*
P.S. Happy New Moon In Leo. xo