I. Chani Nicholas always nails me right to the wall with her new moon horoscopes. Here’s a snippet from this latest one:
I can love you from a distance, until your intentions come into focus, without degrading your humanity. Until I can understand how our most difficult parts clash and most healed parts can work together, I don’t know what our partnership is capable of.
With this New Moon, I ask for the courage to have patience and the wisdom to apply it when needed. I don’t stick around when folks need a time out. I don’t offer myself to those that can’t come through, but I do hold the possibility for humanity to reveal itself without having to be harmed in the process.
Well, Okay Then.
II. Yesterday, I threw down a blanket and gathered up some potting soil, nine little terracotta pots I bought at the dollar store and a pack of herbs I bought back when I was considering planting a Victory Garden. I got black soil under my fingernails and planted nine of my favourite herbs of all time.
Then I set up one of the first pieces of ‘home decor’ I purchased back in 2014 when my marriage ended as their home.
And lo, Happy Herb Babies To Be! it felt very good to *do something* future-oriented, and full of hope.
III. I love where I live. 
This is Emily, one of two of the girls who live next door, and her dog Mar.
We always chat a little when she’s coming or going or taking Mar out for a pee, and we plan to go for brunch at some point soon. We also sit out on my front lawn and do vodka shots with Pepsi chasers with my other neighbour, Jessie, who I also adore. Sometimes Kimi joins us, though she tends to stick to the lighter vodka soda or rose because she’s reasonable like that. Sometimes Lee joins us and basks in all the estrogen on offer.
Last night after a *brutal* group therapy session, Jessie and I sat out on my front stoop chainsmoking and commiserating. She sipped a Ceasar and I swilled Chardonnay, and we discovered how similar we are despite our age difference. There was laughter. There was shared righteous indignation. There were eye rolls in the general direction of boys. There were tears.
And then we exchanged books of poetry.
I crawled into bed feeling like everything is bearable because I have people to bear the weight with me. I feel surrounded in a way I’ve never felt before. SHEILD WALL!
IV. I had every intention of filming yesterday but I ended up doing art just for me because my heart was too heavy to quip and chirp like I need to while I’m teaching. I threw a bunch of watercolours down on a sheet of paper and then worked this until I got it from what-the-fuck to ohhhhhhhhhh, yes. This.
Those tangled roots are life.
V. There is a gourmet black pepper salami, a block of 2-year-old cheddar, many kinds of olives, beefsteak tomatoes, and a fresh baguette in my fridge for supper tonight, but first, lunch with Sal, who is traveling in from KW to visit with me today. I bought a new top to wear. I might show you tomorrow.
VI. I am keeping food down and my voice is healing, so let’s Journal Jam next Monday!
VII. There is nothing quite so healing as having someone fully express their rage on your behalf. Thank you, Renee. You help me choose me. I love you.
VIII. I went to the market with Kimi last Saturday, and I’m not going to lie: it was nerve-wracking. There were a lot of people. It was very hot and sweaty and herd-like. Despite wearing a mask, I felt extremely exposed, and I realized after we left the building that I am not ready for that kind of outing. COVID is still a very real thing. It is now the third leading cause of death in the U.S. and while I don’t live in the U.S., if we’re not careful, we could become just like the U.S. I think we’re doing a pretty good job of keeping it at bay here in Canada, but there are little surges happening here and there, especially among younger adults, so I’m scared and willing to be overly cautious. No more market for me until I feel less fraidy cat.
IX. Bijan’s Art Studio, on the other hand…
We went in and swooned and found WORKABLE FIXATIVE OMG YES and you know what? IT IS WALKING DISTANCE FROM MY HOUSE. IS THIS REAL LIFE?
X. When you have trauma, especially around attachment, healing is a process that includes rupture and repair after rupture and repair.
I’m into it. Always have been. It’s working.
*Links pinkies with you*
P.S. Happy New Moon In Leo. xo
So much yes!
*squeee*
I have your back. In rage. Always. xx
Ditto, Ancient Queen. <3
So much grounded richness here. In love with the painting. 💗
I want to do a bunch and really master those tangled roots. <3
That painting!!!! I love it!!!
I want to master trees some day.
Oh how I wish I had an art supply store in walking distance. That looks like a very cool place.
Something just clicked for me one day during a live in Moonshine and boom. I can paint trees. It was awesome.
It’s so lovely to hear you sounding more positive, to live in a place unexpectedly can create such turm3, but now you have come to love where you are. It iss a slow process, healing is a life process. I am working through trauma, something I would not even start to look at just months ago. I was terrified to begin. Would beginning leave those behind? That was my deepest fear. I felt I would be letting go of my lovely, beautiful son if I began. I realize that no matter what , the butterflies would still come to visit bringing him, his love, his words to my ears.
I’ve been doing a lot of trees.
They’re healing for me, since I moved from my home state {divorce, trauma and sickness wiill make you do that} I haven’t had normal beautiful woods and Trees. Not in SE Texas and now California.
I love your tree. I adore you, you was the first art person I found way back when, elements was my first class. Book of Days on you tube hooked me. Those classes kept me alive, father and sister fighting cancer, other stuff noone wants to hear about.
I have such a affinity and affection for you. I hear you speak, I cry, cause without knowing my path, you understand. So I thank you, for being honest, real and yes… hopeful.
I could write you 10 pages on how much our journeys are similar.
Your style touches the room behind my heart, very few are capable of that.
Although I can’t afford classes now, I watch for you, your teachings, fastspeed paintings, blog, because this…
I am a survivor, I will survive, I will thrive. Through me, for me, by me. Effy is, I will/am.
The ultimate power is healing, you fucked me up, over and through, BUT, I will heal and your power will diminish with ever layer of onion I peel away.
Hope this made sense, soor it’s so verbose.
Bless your comming in and going out.
Bless your healing strength.
Tina
Oh, honey. I felt every word. <3
I love that your son visits you as butterflies. <3
Butterflies are magical
Yessssss.
You are so inspiring and I love how you face things head on. You’ve been inspiring me to stop the denial and start dealing with my trauma. And I love that you have an art store within walking distance! the closest one to me is a 2 hour drive through crazy always packed traffic. xoxo
love & blessings
~*~
Good thoughts & much love for your new home and such delightful neighbors to support when needed and for you! Healing is tough and sometimes it pops up at moments we would rather it not. You are so special Effy, to so many who wish they could share hugs with you. That’s what I miss most is hugs…although my guy always has one for me. Sending one to you now…grab it quickly!!🌿🕯⚘❤
GOT IT! <3 Sending one back. (((((((Carolyn))))))
I have someone who loves nailing me with my horoscope, my moons and I love learning it
I have really been loving learning about my houses and such. I find it eerily accurate.
Exchanged books of poetry! That’s basically a friend engagement, or at least a proposal. And herbs, oh. The air here is more smoke than air and I wish I had a pot of herbs to smell. Walking distance to an art supply shop? That’s the pinnacle. You’re living the dream! I used to live within walking distance of a Blick store. Ahhh, city life. I love you, lady. Still got you surrounded by herbs and a BtVS-inspired pin for protection on my altar.
I love you, too, Ti. <3