I. This song keeps coming on, and every time she hits the chorus, my throat constricts and my eyes prickle and I get a little angry.
Who’s gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
So, you know me. I don’t like to duck or bypass feels, so I let the anger rise and I mix it with air and I pass it over my tongue and tooth and say “Effy, you will break your own fall. It was there. It still is. You aren’t lost. You’re just wandering. You never choose the path of least resistance in the first place. You are a fucking warrior. You’ve. Got. You.”
And that’s working.
II. Every day at least once the wild geese take formation and fly right over my head on their way to or from Harris park. It makes me feel like my St. Mary is with me, and I am grateful. I am that kind of witch that looks up at the wild geese as they fly over in formation and sees them as a sign and whispers “Hello, Mary. Thank you. I love you, too.”
III. I spent about two hours on ZOOM with my youngest yesterday and she said some things that unlocked the cage I’d stuffed my heart in where my adult children are concerned. Validated. Witnessed. Understood. Loved. Thank you x a million. That was the most healing encounter I’ve had since sometime last year. No word of a lie.
IV. This was another healing encounter of the solo kind where I invited everything I was feeling into a painting session and then threw all the medicine it needed at it in the form of colour and symbol in order to self-soothe, attend, and move through the present moment without bypassing it.
This is going up as a lesson in Life Book 2020 in September. You can still sign up. It is a true demonstration of the healing power of art journaling, and I know you’re going to love it. It will go up in Effy Elsewhere sometime next year, so you might consider that if you’re not into big collaborative e-courses.
V. I’m my own north star.
VI. Today I plan on hanging out with friends on my lawn. Kimi & Lee are coming over and we’re going to laugh until our sides ache, and maybe cry a little too, since we’re all a bit on the vulnerable side right now. I’m hoping Jessie and Em join us.
Lawn parties are life. I like where I’m living.
VII. I’m doing better than I was yesterday. Something shifted in my understanding of what’s going on and even if I’m delusional or in denial, the relief I felt when the shift happened was palpable. You can’t lose what belongs to you. You can’t. It might wander off to do its work, but what is yours is yours. I believe.
VIII. I washed my brushes today after leaving them in the sink soaking for four days. This feels like a victory.
IX. Month end. OMGDOOM.
X. The dogs keep tracking dead leaves in from the front yard. I like to leave them for a few days until a wee pile of them accumulates and the place starts looking like it might be inhabited by a swamp witch. And then I sweep. And somehow that feels cathartic. And then I laugh at myself because I am truly one of a kind.