I. Sometimes the only way to heal is to amputate, and that’s what I’ve done, and now the healing can begin. That’s all I have to say about that.
II. The basil crowned. This was the one I was most excited about growing, so I am pleased with myself.
III. This is going up in BOD on September 1st. It was a really healing spread – lots of effort as offering, lots of time to meditate on what I want to release as autumn comes on.
Ambivalence, not mattering, choosing those who won’t choose me, longsuffering, other people’s secrets, giving chase, wasting my time. Fuck all of that. That’s over.
IV. I am still and silently raging today, and it feels empowering and righteous. I feel like I’ve rescued myself. I feel like I’ve stepped out of the role of princess and into the role of swamp witch, warrior, queen. I am saving my own life. I am done reaching down. I’m shedding everything and everyone that makes me feel like shit. I am making room for more and better and worth my while. Does it hurt? Of course, it hurts, but it’s the kind of hurt that I can live with. The other kind – the kind where I must abandon myself or set myself on fire to keep someone else warm (paraphrased quote by Penny Reid) hurts a lot more and for a lot longer. This is the way. The only way. I don’t know what comes next but I know what doesn’t, and that’s as good a place as any to start.
V. It’s been raining for days, and I’m not mad about it.
VI. Long talks with my witch adjacent about pricing and service and wellness and anti-capitalism and social justice. Also about men and the havoc they wreak and how tired we are of letting them get away with it or carrying it alone. These conversations are life-changing. They help me chose me.
VII. I will be 52 by the end of September and I am ready.
VIII. I have to film today and I’m not feeling it, but the awesome thing about the way I’ve set up my creative practice is that I don’t have to ‘feel it’ or be ‘into it’ to do it. In fact, once I make the decision to do it and I start to splash the paint around, I always enjoy myself, and I always get what I want out of the experience. Inspiration matters, sure but not nearly as much as doing it whether you’re inspired or not. Something about sitting before a blank spread, even with a reluctant sense of willingness to meet myself on the page guarantees that something will come through.
IX. Self-loyalty. Wrath. Pride.