I. This is who I am.
II. I am so grateful for the weekend I spent with my chosen family over Labour Day weekend. Our First Annual Hippie Pocket Cottage Bash was everything I needed. The dogs had a good time, too, what with all the running around free-range, fresh air, and many many laps to occupy throughout.
I processed recent happenings on the first night with the eyes of love full on my face and that was healing as fuck. The rest of the weekend, though, was for shenanigans, and while I missed him terribly and achingly the whole weekend long (these people were also his people and he would have loved this weekend as much as I did), I just told myself to snap out of it when the morbs hit hard and I found something else to dwell on. Like how goddamned lucky I am that these are my people. Like how beautiful it was to see otters on the water. Like how exciting it was to catch my first perch since early childhood. Like how amazing every morsel of food was, and how good it was to be fed. Like how gorgeous it was to fall asleep to the sound of my friends drumming around the fire. Like that long hug that held within it everything needed to move forward as friends, no words required. Like Braja’s honey and that tea he made with fresh herbs picked right off his land. Like laughing so much over Cards Against Humanity that I am *still* sore around the middle. Like that dress Dani put me in that made me feel like a fucking goddess. Like the way we all love one another fully, completely, unconditionally.
III. I want to find a partner who loves me at least as well as my friends do.
IV. We are trending upwards here in Ontario, which makes me so very glad I went this weekend because I suspect we will all be in lockdown again soon and there is no way I could have made it through winter without seeing these people. No way. I am hoping to spend Xmas with Dani and her family (they’ve adopted me), and if COVID means I am stuck here alone with the dogs, I am going to be mightily pissed off.
V. Journal Jam yesterday. Magic happened.
VI. Swamp witch x Lilith. But also so fucking full of sorrow. But also so fucking full of hope. Gold from lead. You can turn this all into a force for good in your life or you can wallow in your victimhood. We always knew this was going to be a catalyst for something. Let it be a catalyst for good. That’s my choice. You make yours.
VII. I had a nightmare in which I was at Harvestfest wondering where he was and when he was going to arrive. I was wandering around feeling lost and at loose ends. Breathless anticipation. Any minute now. And then I remembered that he wouldn’t be coming at all. There was an eclipse at that exact moment and when I looked up at it, it seared my eyes. I woke up crying, with a pounding headache that hasn’t yet let go its talons from my brainmeats. I hate breakup nightmares. They are the worst.
VIII. I wonder if we will ever be friends again. Can I forgive you? Can you forgive me? These thoughts are dangerous, though, so moving right along…
IX. I need water, rest, and another weekend with my people. I miss everybody so much my throat aches with longing.
X. Most of my herb babies died while I was away, but that’s ok. I can plant more.