I. I just emerged from a long hot soak in scented, CBD oil-infused water. I feel like a million bucks. All I’ve managed since I got home from the cottage was a couple of quick sluicings off in the shower, so this was thorough. I even dry brushed before immersing myself. Self-care.
II. Therapy yesterday was exactly what I needed. I unpacked everything that’s happened, asked the questions I needed to ask, heard the things I needed to hear.
“Self-loyalty,” she said. “This is huge.”
Yes, it is.
“There’s nothing about any of this that is ‘crazy’ or irrational. This was the only way any kind of healing could happen. You chose you.”
Yes, I did.
III. Today is good. The scrub down. Clean nails. Squeaky hair. The rose water and glycerine face cream. The cocoa butter body lotion.The work I did for Darling Human for October. The zero’d inbox. The puttering around with a list of potential guest artists for 2021 (I am WOEFULLY BEHIND ON THIS). The toaster, sitting there all squat and pristinely white with chrome details and four slots just waiting to be filled with thick-sliced Italian bread. The grocery order that’s coming later today that includes chunky peanut butter. Plans for a Zoom with my wee girl on Saturday. Plans for Art Winos on Sunday. A live gathering to do with my Art Witches this afternoon. The garbage and recycling got done this morning in time for pick up, which felt very adulty. Journal52 up in The Wilderhood and on Patreon. A little audiobook listening to round out the work with a little play. It’s feeling autumnal out there, which I love, and I’m ready for tea and hoodies and socks and soup.
IV. I know what I know. This is a thing that’s finally sticking.
V. I want more people in my life. COVID needs to fuck off so I can go find them. I want to gather in meatspace with people of like mind. I want to laugh and learn face to face. I want to circle with fleshly people. I want to take pottery classes, too, and learn to throw & fire. I’m dreaming forward about the ways I will fill my hours and days so that I am not caught up in isolation, because there be dragons.
I am too vulnerable when I’m lonely.
VI. Post-processing therapy with Renee is becoming a habit, and I am not mad about it.
VII. All my readings are telling me to sit tight and be patient. This too shall pass. I just don’t know what ‘this’ they are referring to because there are so many ‘thises’. *Annoyed*. Patience is not one of my superpowers.
VIII. The whole conversation about strength and how all that we experience ‘makes us strong’ and how sick I am of that story. The way I handle what I experience makes me strong. The experience itself doesn’t get any fucking credit. The way I do the work, the way I work to learn, grow, grapple, the way I do my level best to own and hold my own, the way I move through…that’s all me.
I’m also over the story that I would not be who I am without these experiences as though that’s a *good thing*. I would not have C-PTSD. I would not have crushing anxiety. I would not be undereducated. I would not have imposter syndrome. I would not be afraid all the time. I would not be so goddamned guarded. Unraveling what my experiences have laid on me in terms of coping mechanisms and behaviours is the work of a lifetime that I would not *have had to do had I not had these experiences.*
I’m not bitter, though. I’m just tired of *having no choice* but to be strong. I’m tired of doing my own work and then some.
I’ll keep on keeping on, but I am okay with admitting I’m tired.
IX. This has been a year of shedding. I wonder what next year will bring? <—–and that’s progress, because I am asking that question with curiosity, optimism, willingness, openness instead of dread.
Ok, there might be a little bit of dread, but it isn’t overwhelming all the rest.
Onward.
X. This made me laugh out loud.
I read these posts every time although normally I don’t chime in. Just wanted to say so much of what you write resonates, even if I don’t share the same experiences. Thanks for sending your voice out ‘into the void’. You touch a lot of people’s lives that you probably aren’t aware of.
Thank you for saying that. <3 It means a lot to me.
I’m sitting in a waiting room at the hospital while my husband is completing Pre-op paperwork and labwork for surgery of bladder cancer on the 15th. As I’m sitting here waiting for him, I found myself laughing out loud about “autumn and not fall of civilization.” I love your posts but today lighten the mood tremendously. Thank you, Effy.🤗💖🙋
I wish you and your lovely hubs all the best healing mojo. <3
Thank you so much, Effy.🥰
I admire your ability to put one foot in front of the other and move forward, no matter how difficult sometimes. Plus, your writing is so relatable…there are so many of us cheering you on. I hope you feel the energy.💖
I’m so happy to hear the writing is relatable. It’s always my intention to translate my personal experiences in a universal way. Thank you for that.
Quit reading my diary! <3
I have been getting the sit tight, patience, let it pass, wait it out messages, too, but interpreted that to mean take lots of naps.
'Autumn' is a much more splendid word than 'fall'. I've done enough falling, time to flutter and float like colorful dancing leaves, soothed and nourished by gentle rains, some clear, crisp thoughts that ease in like a breeze warmed by a golden sun, with nights so crystal clear that every star glows as bright as the moon lighting the way.
I’m with you re: fall vs. Autumn.
Let’s float.
Monday I lost the day , naps, tears, and in bed…Tuesday I was up taking on the day, Wednesday I wondered why women stand strong and get it all handled, Thursday my shoulders were sloping from weight, Friday is 9/11 and I remember others who lost so much. I, truly love reading your days as I realize we all share in so much and here we can reach out being a loving part of the Wilderhood. Your writings reach out and share with us while they in turn help you to put down on paper things you must rid from your soul. When I wrote a medical newsletter I swear it helped me more than my readership…now I miss writing sharing the words pace & prioritize…thank you Effy, you indeed touch us all with a bit of your heart!
The writing helps *so much*. Maybe you could consider starting a blog?
“The way I handle what I experience makes me strong. The experience itself doesn’t get any fucking credit.” This resonates so much with me although my experience is completely different from yours. I love your writing and your honesty. Sending love across the miles as we grapple together, separately, apart ♥
*links pinkies*