I. I am such a huge fan of Chani’s readings, because she always nails me.

Libra & Libra Rising

“Rage is an intoxicant that I respect; its power is undeniable, its impacts are long-lasting, it’s needed and necessary but only one part of my process. Underneath the wrath is a wound, a fracture, a story that needs to be heard. I listen to the details of my own tales. I listen to let it be known that what I survived matters, and how I survived it holds the keys to how I can heal it.

No part of my journey is wasted if I scour it for its meaning. 

With this New Moon, I recommit to understanding the parts of my path that are loaded with nuance. I refuse to boil myself down to a trope, to good, to bad, to one dimension. I make a point of parsing out my feelings, especially the more intense ones. As I get clear about what I feel and what I want to say about it, I get to reclaim a little bit of my agency. I rescue myself from martyrdom each time I refuse to settle for being safe but resentful. I’d rather make a mistake while trying to reclaim my power than leave it to whither without me.”

I never miss her workshops, which she releases for every new moon cycle.

II. This meme I saw on Facebook got me all choked up. I love it when people take the most ordinary things and enchant them for me like this.

"Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life. Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die."“Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life. Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.”

I love that so much.

I’ve been drinking a lot of milk thistle and dandelion tea with honey, and I am going to start thinking of it as my ‘feral sunlight bright beautiful bastardous’ elixir from now on.

III. Takeaways from therapy (some of these are paraphrased).

“I don’t like <insert thing she doesn’t like> for you.” This is so rare a thing for her to say that I really took notice.

It is human to want and seek connection. We are wired for it. It’s a need.”

“You are allowed to renegotiate what your needs are in any relationship. You are allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to ask for something different.”

“I know it may feel easier to write it all off as having been bullshit, but I don’t think that’s true. You weren’t deluded. There was love there. That’s what you’re grieving.”

“As you navigate this grief, I want you to be very, very careful about who you reach out to. Reach out for safe people.”

I like that she gets that safety is required right now. I like that she’s affirmed that for me.

I also like that as stupid as I like to make myself feel over loving people and then grieving their loss (why do I do that?), she doesn’t let me get away with it.

IV. Today is already better. It feels autumnal. I have work, but I can go at it with a gentle pace. There will be lots of tea.

I finally wrote to the guests I want in BOD2021 (registration opens on November 15th), and even though I am woefully behind on getting all of that sorted, I feel like I’m over the hump and now I can proceed with all of it in a less stressed out, more organic way.

V. I really want to paint today, and so I shall, but first, I have to wash my brushes and do something about this disaster that is my studio, and that always makes me wish I had a studio boy. Must wear a kilt. Must have strong hands for massaging of shoulders. Must be willing to take breaks for road trips to nowhere while the music plays on the radio.

Know anyone? Sound like you? Apply within.

VI. As soon as people start telling me who they think I am based on my public persona, I’m immediately turned off. Like, yeah, I’m all the things I present (because I’m really transparent in what I share), butandalso, I am an iceberg. There’s so much more going on beneath the surface, and no one gets to access that until they’ve earned the right. It feels like a control drama to me when people do that – like they are trying to figure out how to manage me, and I *hate* being managed. Hate it. As soon as I feel like I’m being handled or managed it gets my back way up.

“I am not fragile like a flower, I am fragile like a bomb.”

If you’re going to try to ‘handle’ me or manage me, just don’t.

VII. This made me laugh:

“Sorry if I’m not your cup of tea. I’m not even my own cup of tea. I’m barely a cup and I don’t like tea. I’m more like a rusty bucket of haunted bog water. Sorry I’m not your rusty bucket of haunted bog water.”

I feel like a rusty bucket of haunted bog water, but I like tea, and I’m not sorry.

VIII. My sleep was rough. Dreams. New Moon brings them, always. These ones were sweet, but they reminded me a lot of this line from Elephants by Rachael Yamagata:

“And how dare that you send me that card when I’m doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you.”

I am leaning so hard on music right now,  y’all. It is medicinal.

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IX. Is it possible to have connection without control dramas? I want that.

X. So for those of you falling in love keep it kind keep it good keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night.

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