I. I’ll be Journal Jamming today at 12 p.m. EST. I’m really looking forward to it, because these journaling sessions stretch me and take me places I would never go on my own. If you’re into it, you can get the link to today’s live by joining me in The Wilderhood. It’s free and amazing and you get Journal52, links to live Journal Jams, and journal jam replays + other stuff I do.
II. Yesterday was *amazing*. I spent three hours cleaning out the corner of chaos and now I’m down to one box of books and one box of junk to sort through before I can declare myself *completely unpacked*. I have two cube bookshelves and an accent table to build before I can do that, though, so I think that covers my quarantine plans for the weekend. Once everything is officially out of boxes, I’m going to go through my stuff with a fine-tooth comb, pare everything down and organize it so that I know exactly where everything is. I’m kind of excited about it because I really didn’t think I was going to have the bandwidth for this kind of thing, but here I am. Making and slaying lists.
I’ll take it.
III. I’ve turned a corner. There are only about a dozen tabs open in the browser that is my brain. I am not walking around holding my guts in. Yesterday, I sluiced off the year leading up to Equinox in a salt and scent infused tub. By candlelight. In complete silence. I put fresh sheets on the bed. I dusted off the altar and lit incense and tended to something more than just a begrudging attempt to keep my body and soul together so I can see how *waves at all of this* ends. I ordered all the things I like to eat on the fly to ensure that I do, indeed, eat. Baguette and brie and olives and salad greens. Cheese and crackers. Eggs and bacon. Slabs of meat. Easy and tempting.
IV. I’m thinking about how tea and empathy used to be a thing and now everyone just wants to coach one another out of feeling how we feel. I don’t know if that’s just an online thing or if that is also happening at kitchen tables. I don’t know. I know that if someone tries to coach me or applies ‘look on the bright side’ to my situation, or if they tell me snap out of it before I’m ready or if they tell me not to ‘talk like that’ or ‘think that way’, it gets my back up. Way up. Like, look. The only way to the other side of whatever this is is THROUGH it and if you can’t sit with me while I’m doing that, I don’t know what to tell you. When did we forget how to commiserate? When did ‘commiserate’ become a dirty word?
V. I’m putting your name in a honey jar.
VI. This song on repeat, because reason.
VII. Thinking about how trauma impacts our ability to be present. Yesterday, while doing laundry, I misplaced my keys FOUR TIMES. I almost flooded the bathroom because I forgot I was running a bath. I left a half a bag of ice on the counter to thaw while I was in a live call with art witches. Then, I knocked a beverage I forgot I’d put on the end table over all over my remote controls. Tossed the remote controls, which were dripping with beverage ONTO THE CLEAN BEDDING while I was trying to clean it all up. Tripped and slammed myself into the wall while I was running to get paper towels.
Embodiment is a thing. Grounding is a thing. Coming back into the body is hard at the best of times, but in times like these being disembodied can feel safer. Note to self: it’s not. It’s how people break their necks and get eaten by their pets.
Come back to center.
VIII. I’m thinking 2021 will be The Year Of Mary. I’ve wanted to do an art journaling class dedicated to exploring the poetry of Mary Oliver for years now, and I think I might be ready. I was musing on it in the tub last night. Mary, my matron saint of being present, of being gentle, of loving the world as it is, of loving myself as I am. Mary, who helps me enchant the ordinary. Mary, who I miss like summer.
I’ll keep you posted. (click to get notified)
IX. This song, too, because I’m holding space for all my parts, including the frustrating ones that can’t seem to let you go just yet, goddammit.
OMG I posted some of my feelings about my disability as part of the workshop Isabel ran and one of my friends tried to talk me out of my feelings and it annoyed me so so much.
Come here, love. I’ll sit with all your feelings with you.
Because fuck that minimizing invalidating toxic positivity bullshit.
And of course her response when I pointed it out was “I’m just giving you my perspective”. Talk about trying to be my therapist.
Nooooooooooooo to all of that. <3
Effy, are you aware of the free 10 day summit that just started at noon today? https://collectivetraumasummit.com/
I signed up because of the poets, but also as a psychotherapist I dealt with trauma for decades until I retired. I think this will be a rich collective, and it is going to be available for ten days so you can listen in at your convenience.
ho
Ohhhhhh. I was not aware. Let me check it out.
I’m signed up and watching day one now. That opening gave me shivers. <3 So beautiful!
This is an excellent post. Thank you for sharing
Thanks, Glenda! I’m glad you found it useful. xo
We are on the same wave link when it comes to spilling…I woke up to a cold bath in the middle of a good sleep…I take a bottle of ice tea to bed and I must have fell asleep with the cap off and some how it fell and dumped the entire bottle on me. My DH said throw a towel over it & lay back down. Well pizzzz his side was dry but I was dripping cold. LOL took a quick shower and went to spare bedroom. He woke me up later and says ” I found the cap” argh
Here’s to a dry day, cheers!
That sounds like something I’d do. :)
OMFG – IV – YES!!! I am so over toxic positivity….I realized recently that while I was feeling a bit evolved over my apparent lack of maladaptive coping mechanisms I completely disregarded the fact that NOT FEELING YOUR FEELINGS *is* maladaptive. And also encouraged by society at large. Particularly my stiff-upper-lip British upbringing. Yeah, so that. *putting the kettle on*.
A year of Mary. Oh. My. Yes.
I love that you’re looking after you. xoxo
There’s been this meme going around that talks about how ultra independence is a trauma response, and I was like whoa. Yes. And all the encouragement we get around not ‘airing our dirty laundry’ etc is just so fucking toxic.
Trauma breeds and worsens where we are expected to keep our mouths shut.
Gimme a mountain top. I’ve got shit to yell.
“When did ‘commiserate’ become a dirty word?” When EVERYONE became overwhelmed at exactly the same time. I read this as, “You need to snap out of this right now because *I* can’t take it anymore.”
I feel like the commiseration thing changed a long time ago, then. I think maybe with the advent of easy answers on the Internet – you know, the Hallmark version of empathy that just doesn’t quite meet us where we are.
I read easy answers, unsolicited advice, and toxic positivity as “You are making me uncomfortable. Stop it.”, which I think is pretty much the same as how you read it.
Solidarity. xo
Late to see this (it has been a hellish shit sandwich of a week), but Mary Oliver! I do hope that 2021 will indeed be the year of Mary.
Wouldn’t it be lovely? I’m thinking of doing it like I did Rumi and creating a calendar to go with it. (Just the months).
I loved Rumi so much.
Please do Mary!! please please pretty please with a cherry on top!