I made an effort to review my months throughout 2014, but somewhere along my journey, I stopped. In fact, I stopped blogging for the most part and the Socials became my place to write. These days, I’m doing less Socials and more blogging, so I’ve decided to dust this way of reviewing things off.
These reviews will begin with a favourite selfie from the month. I love this one (left – a photo of me sipping Baileys and coffee from a blue mug, wearing a hoodie and a smile) because it was the first time I felt like myself in a very long time. The trauma of 2020 almost killed me – not exaggerating – but the trip I took to the cottage with my fest family saved my life.
Because I’m witchy AF, I like doing things that feel like they could lead to the creation of some kind of ceremony. Once this is written up, I might offer it to the elements as a way to release it all and make space for October.
Here’s how I’ll be approaching the areas of my life for review. If this is a thing you’d like to try, too, please feel free to steal it. I found the elemental icons way back when and no longer know who to credit. If you know, could you let me know? The rest of the template for review is my own invention. I think I’ll design my own icons for each element at some point when I have the bandwidth.
In the realm of Earth: My body, health, energy levels; my business, work, service to my community; how well am I receiving? Am I feeling abundant? Growthful?
In the realm of Air: My mind. What am I feeding it? How are my anxiety levels (while for some, anxiety is a body thing, for me it is a mind thing)? What’s interesting to me? Exciting to me? What am I learning? Researching? What ideas or insights are coming up for me?
In the realm of Water: My heart. How am I feeling? How are my relationships going? What’s happening in my underbelly, my subconscious? What’s bubbling up? What dreams are coming into my conscious awareness? Are my waters calm or troubled? If they’re calm, is there troubling stuff going on underneath? If I’m feeling troubled, is it about stuff I can actually change or am I borrowing trouble from the past or future (regret/worry).
In the realm of Fire: My empowerment, which includes all spiritual work/study, and my sexuality. What am I passionate about right now? What has me shaking with fury? With desire?
In The Realm Of Earth
I am feeling pretty tired lately, probably because I experience so much anxiety on a regular basis that my energy is drained. I am struggling with eating well. COVID, grief, the state of the world, all of it is weighing heavily on me and it’s impacted my self-care.
I think I might be B12 deficient and I’d like to do something about that. I’m also putting together little plates of things to nibble whenever I can force myself to do it. Brie, olives, crackers. I order in way less than I did when I was living with GG. I think I ordered in all the time back then because I felt responsible for ensuring *he* got fed, even if I didn’t feel like cooking. This pattern is repeating here, where I order in if I have company (my platonic life partner does like to eat) but if he’s not around, I eat peanut butter out of the jar or some instant noodles, if I eat anything at all.
My cataracts are really wearing on me but the amount of work I have to do in order to do something about them is daunting. My health card has to be renewed which requires me to get my ID sorted. My executive function is low. I feel like I have just enough to work and nothing leftover once that’s done.
I’m trying microdosing and today is day one. I’m quite wobbly, but my experienced friends tell me this will pass. I feel quite euphoric and energized, which I have to admit I do not hate. ;) I’m hoping it helps with the freeze trauma responses to everything + the generalized anxiety.
Money is tight, but that’s to be expected given the time of year and the economy. I am not panicked about it. There’s just a frisson of fear about how programs are going to sell at the end of this year given that we are all probably going into lockdown.
I love my work as always, and all the people it brings into my life. I am fully invested and engaged in all the classes I teach and I am making myself as accessible as possible while saving time for myself to recharge and renew.
In The Realm Of Air
I’m taking in the Collective Trauma summit – bought the whole package – and I’m finding it enlightening. There are some practices I’ve picked up from it that I’m finding quite helpful. Especially ‘let it be, let it in, let it out’ as a breathing practice that allows one to be present with what is.
I’m listening to Clan of The Cave Bear as my nightly audiobook indulgence. I’d forgotten how much I loved that series.
Anxiety has been quite high, but I’m wrangling it. Long hot soaks help, and so does the presence of friends who get me.
Insights and ideas are in short supply though I do find that once I get my butt into the chair into the studio, I can always come up with *something* to paint about. Even though creativity can be stunted when anxiety is high or our basic needs aren’t being met, I somehow always manage and I’m very grateful for that.
Researching: microdosing, trauma.
In The Realm Of Water
My heart is fucking broken. It’s mending, but whoa.
I’m not letting myself dream all that much. The old practice of writing out what would be happening if I were living my dreams just makes me cry the ugly cry, so I’ve given it up.
I think I just need to be gutted and hollow for a while, and I trust, because I’ve been here before, that it will pass in time and I will feel whole and full once more.
But not today.
In The Realm Of Fire
Truth: my libido is dead. I am passionate about my work, but nothing else, really. I am furious all the time for all kinds of reasons, and mostly, I desire numbness. And I think I’m just going to let myself be okay with *waves at all of that*.
Full Moon in Aries today. Maybe my fire will be returned to me as something other than fury. Maybe my body will get the memo that we are alive here on earth and I just turned 52 and I’d like to feel something good and light and pleasurable and it would be really awesome if I could muster up some kind of desire for something.
Plodding is not my favourite thing, but that’s all I’ve got in me right now.
I’ve also decided to add a gratitude list – especially after reading this review and feeling really saddened by it. I think ti’s important to remember the goodness…
Lee, Drew, Kimi, Rick, Emi, Jessie, Sera, Sal, Sarah, Myrna, Renee and all the rest who occupy my days with visits and zooms and messages and love and witness.
My students, who never cease to amaze me.
My willingness to keep trying.
I’m hoping these reviews prove useful to me in terms of tracking my healing progress over time. If you read this far, OH HEY, you’re very kind. :)