I started today’s post on Facebook, but I’m continuing it here, so parts I & II are crossposted.
I. MD Day Three – Much less intense today. I feel it, but I am not overwrought like I was yesterday. I released so much yesterday that I feel quite empty today, but not in an unpleasant way. Cried through much of the afternoon with waves of self-empathy knocking me for a loop. Threw myself into a tub of hot water. Typed all the words into all the voids and finally cried myself out. I also did a bunch of very focused work on the DH Planner, and even fed myself TWICE <–that is a fucking miracle these days.
II. Slept right through the night and even slept in. Woke up and drank a half container of orange juice (which I was craving) before even thinking about having a cup of coffee. <—–this NEVER HAPPENS. Threw myself headlong into administrating things and felt really good doing it. I’m blanket forting right now because it’s chilly in here, but I am enjoying being all cosy in the divan with the dogs and my laptop puttering around with the planner.
I am beginning to believe in the power of microdosing for trauma. I’ll keep you posted.
III. Darling Human will be a thing for 2021, and if you’d like to check out what it was like this year, you can download October for free. If you like what you see (note that I am going to have add ons next year for New & Full Moon notes and workings), subscribe to my newsletter to get notified when it’s ready for purchase and download. It will not be offered in chunks like it was this year (the move and COVID really fucked me over). I will have it all done in plenty of time for 2021. I am *deeply looking forward* to writing all the little Darling Human love notes for the entire year. I feel as though it will be a lovely way to help myself up out of the morbs.
IV. I really must do something about my kitchen. I’ve taken to just tossing (unbreakable) things from the divan into the general vicinity of the sink and raising my fist in triumph whenever I manage to ‘sink a shot’.
I’m being extra gentle with myself right now though because the microdosing really threw me for a loop.
V. Rick is picking up wood for my little tiny socially responsible shindig on Sunday. It will probably rain. We’ve all agreed to be pagan about it and wear hoodies so we can wait out the showers while we warm our hands by the fire. There will be Fireball. There are people who can’t come who I will deeply miss but I’m going to do a video call so we can all love on one another. I might Zoom in for a bit for the art witches – depends on how sloshed I get. *laughs* The Viking is coming and I’m excited for him to meet my friends, who are going to adore him. He is definitely one of our kind. I don’t know what we are yet. I like him. I’m probably not ready for anything more than liking someone, but I’m willing to more than like him if he proves himself worthy of that. My list is long, and it includes ‘chemistry’ which I seem to be incapable of experiencing at the moment. I don’t do ‘rebounds’. I don’t do dishonesty, either, so he’s aware of what I’m grappling with and he appears to have the patience of a saint.
VI. I’m sorry I had to distance myself from you but you’re not good for me right now for all kinds of reasons. I do regret it, though, and I hope one day we can repair the rupture. Not today.
VII. This is my annual post-birthday selfie. I took it by capturing a screen shot just before going into live ceremony with my art witches.
I look a little like the cat who ate the cream, don’t I? I like that in this photograph, an image of my inner child is peering over my shoulder. This image represents the part of myself that I keep reaching back through time to rescue. She is fierce. She is feral. She is life force and worthy of my utmost. I love her.
Here’s the image so you can know what she looks like.
I have no photographs at all of myself as a child. This may be apocryphal because I never know which of my family stories are to be believed, but apparently, my sister dragged the box of family photographs into the garage and set them on fire. The earliest photo I have of myself is from when I was 18. I can’t remember what I looked like, but this image has stood in for photos beautifully. Thank you, Michael Shapcott for capturing her.
VIII. Today I remembered (in my body) the way it felt that first night when we kissed by the fire and you were awestruck by it and I said ‘I think this might be what love is supposed to feel like’ and you nodded and kissed me again.
I remembered the way I’d sleep, curled up like a question and you’d fit yourself to me like an answer in the morning. The way I’d bloom and you’d come into me like you belonged there.
Oh, ache. Will you ever ease?
IX. I spent an hour learning how to play this song on the Ukulele. I can’t sing it – it’s too low for me – but I loved figuring out a fingering pattern for it, and bashing out the chords and whispering the lyrics under my breath.
Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, “Stay awhile.”
The light flows from their branches.
And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,
“and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine.”
~ Mary Oliver
2021 will be the year of Mary. I’ve decided.
And I, too, will go easy, be filled
with light, and shine.
But not today.
Signed, a hopeful girl.