I. Yesterday, Facebook memories dished up his picture and I realized it’s been two years. I didn’t cry. I raged, though, and listened to this on repeat for a little minute.

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I’m all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth…

II. My birthday shindig was fabulous. Here is a little gallery with captions.

Me, all shiny and ready for shenanigans.

At last year’s Harvest, we celebrated my birthday as a fest fam and we did this thing where we would exchange blessings and drink to them. A guest would offer me a blessing for the year to come, we’d toast it, and then I would offer them a blessing for the year to come, and then we’d toast it. It is a fun way to get – um – toasty. *lol* Anyway, we did it this year and it was glorious, as always.

I went home with campfire smell in my hair.

I am so grateful to my pod of people, who have made this time in my life much more bearable than it would otherwise be.

III. Lee did my dishes yesterday while I was journal jamming because all housework has been pre-empted by microdosing. Again – so fucking grateful. It was such a relief to have that burden lifted from my shoulders.

IV. This is day two of being ‘off dose’ and I feel very clear and in touch with the present moment. My dreams last night were epic, though. Lots of insights coming up from the depths. I *should* be recording them, but I’ve just been sort of nodding at them as I come up from the depths. Last night, I rescued a baby from drowning, found myself homeless and living in some kind of massive shelter, and curiously wildly popular with the other shelter residents. Probably because I rescued a baby from drowning. WTF subconscious? What are you up to?

V. Journal Jam yesterday. The replay is here. 

I went digital with her afterward because I felt like she wanted these lyrics in her hair.

VI. Wilderhood? Meet the Viking.

The Viking

Gentle, kind, trauma-informed, patient, effusive, emotionally available, and scaring the living daylights out of me. He and my platonic life partner are having a total bromance. It is adorable. 

VII. I’ve uncovered a pocket of trauma around having big feelings, and it’s no bloody wonder. My history is liberally seasoned with incidents where I had big feelings and then got abused or abandoned over them. Over and over again. I have always talked about myself and my feelings as though they are/I am the problem. They are/I am not the problem. The problem is that I have not had people in my life who were willing to be with the big feelings with me in a way that allows them to pass through and out of me. The people in my life have tried to fix the feelings or minimize them or told me to take them elsewhere (Call your therapist). The unwillingness to be with me while I am having big feelings is unjust.

If you want me when I’m shiny, you’d best learn to sit with me when I’m not so shiny.

Thankfully, I am cultivating relationships with people who are not just willing but *honoured* to do that.

VIII. I will never let myself settle for less than full on fuck yeah again.

IX. I am healing.

X. I hope you are, too. 

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