I. Yesterday, Facebook memories dished up his picture and I realized it’s been two years. I didn’t cry. I raged, though, and listened to this on repeat for a little minute.
I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I’m all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth…
II. My birthday shindig was fabulous. Here is a little gallery with captions.
Me, all shiny and ready for shenanigans.
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Alli & Mac
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Kimi
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Rick and Mitch
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Lee and I
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Drew and I
At last year’s Harvest, we celebrated my birthday as a fest fam and we did this thing where we would exchange blessings and drink to them. A guest would offer me a blessing for the year to come, we’d toast it, and then I would offer them a blessing for the year to come, and then we’d toast it. It is a fun way to get – um – toasty. *lol* Anyway, we did it this year and it was glorious, as always.
I went home with campfire smell in my hair.
I am so grateful to my pod of people, who have made this time in my life much more bearable than it would otherwise be.
III. Lee did my dishes yesterday while I was journal jamming because all housework has been pre-empted by microdosing. Again – so fucking grateful. It was such a relief to have that burden lifted from my shoulders.
IV. This is day two of being ‘off dose’ and I feel very clear and in touch with the present moment. My dreams last night were epic, though. Lots of insights coming up from the depths. I *should* be recording them, but I’ve just been sort of nodding at them as I come up from the depths. Last night, I rescued a baby from drowning, found myself homeless and living in some kind of massive shelter, and curiously wildly popular with the other shelter residents. Probably because I rescued a baby from drowning. WTF subconscious? What are you up to?
V. Journal Jam yesterday. The replay is here.
I went digital with her afterward because I felt like she wanted these lyrics in her hair.
VI. Wilderhood? Meet the Viking.
The Viking
Gentle, kind, trauma-informed, patient, effusive, emotionally available, and scaring the living daylights out of me. He and my platonic life partner are having a total bromance. It is adorable.
VII. I’ve uncovered a pocket of trauma around having big feelings, and it’s no bloody wonder. My history is liberally seasoned with incidents where I had big feelings and then got abused or abandoned over them. Over and over again. I have always talked about myself and my feelings as though they are/I am the problem. They are/I am not the problem. The problem is that I have not had people in my life who were willing to be with the big feelings with me in a way that allows them to pass through and out of me. The people in my life have tried to fix the feelings or minimize them or told me to take them elsewhere (Call your therapist). The unwillingness to be with me while I am having big feelings is unjust.
If you want me when I’m shiny, you’d best learn to sit with me when I’m not so shiny.
Thankfully, I am cultivating relationships with people who are not just willing but *honoured* to do that.
VIII. I will never let myself settle for less than full on fuck yeah again.
IX. I am healing.
X. I hope you are, too.
I know I say this a lot, but I love you. Your feelings are valid. I prefer when you’re shiny because I know it feels good for YOU, but I equally love you in all of your forms.
Samesies. <3
This was beautiful, I felt the joy and love.
Viking… Yes.
and, I keep commenting in the wrong spot, I apologize.
And no worries about the spot! <3
Viking! Yes. :)
“Full on fuck yeah” is “my nothing less than enthusiastic consent.”
Yeesssssss
Yesssssssss. <3
I love all this, Effy. Thank you for Journal Jam and its replays on days when I can’t make it live. Sooo looking forward to this one.
I love the drama and truth of your dream. We can never know how many babies we save from drowning…mostly just by ordinary, everyday, thinking nothing about it moments which may mean the world to someone and pull them through that moment, that hour, that day, their life. It’s one of the beauties of life, I feel. And you touch many many lives with your art, your words and your actions. You teach me to be brave and to stand solid in my feelings. Thank you. ❤
I love the thoughts here about the babies we save from drowning just by going about the business of living our lives. Beautiful. Thank you.
” I will never let myself settle for less than full on fuck yeah again.” yessss.
Fuck yes only please.
I think society in general has made it inappropriate to a) have big feelings and/or b) express/experience them….it starts with the “shush, don’t cry” towards our littlest ones……so way big awesomeness that your Right People are dwelling with you. Biggest gift you could give a person ever, I think. all the love xo
ps. and when i say “dwelling” I mean it in the sacred holiest of ways, not the “stop wallowing” way…<3
Oh, I know you’d never tell me to ‘stop wallowing’. <3
All of this. <3 I make space for all our parts in all my relationships and I ask for the same.
This. And you. ❤️
Thank you <3
Love this!
Especially VII….I’m with you on this one….finally found the one that supports me…life is good now ♥️
It is mind blowing what a difference it makes to a trauma survivor to have proper witnessing. <3
Definitely….my sister told me on Monday that I needed to give myself a good shake as I have nothing to be getting anxious/stressed about compared to a lot of people! Whereas my man notices the minute my mood changes, gives me a huge hug and encourages me to talk things through, supports and comforts. (My son says my sister is a bitch!) I have now had three days without a wobble, I have made art every day, I am sent in my room every day to make art, I am cooked for and brought cups of tea! I am healing slowly!
I read all your posts nodding my head and knowing exactly where you’re coming from ❤️
Looking forward to your Life book taster session this week Xxx
I love every word of this so much for you it made me a little bit weepy. <3
Big hugs lovely lady…we will survive ❤️