I. I don’t know how to trust myself anymore. I believed so fiercely (most days) in every word he said, but words stopped aligning with actions, and now I don’t know what was true and what wasn’t. I’m doing this dance between believing nothing was true (searing) and everything was true (also searing) and sometimes I can get to a place where I believe some of it was true and some of it was also true but he just couldn’t follow through for all sorts of reasons – some of which I know and some of which I don’t know because there was a lot I wasn’t being told.
I like the last option because it calms me the fuck down and stops the movie of all the ways I failed him from playing on repeat in my weary head.
II. I wasn’t the only one not handling things well, though, and that is also a thing that I have to remember because gaining a sense of control by blaming myself entirely and then getting to work on ‘fixing’ my brokenness is bullshit and old tape and a pattern I’m no longer willing to engage. I am not broken. I don’t need to be fixed.
III. I have always fallen based on whatever words were flowing my way.
I choose you.
Never stop.
You’re my center.
You’re my breath.
I’ve got you.
I will never leave you.
No regrets.
I’m not going anywhere.
I love you.
I’m not lying to you…
And then the out-of-alignment actions give me cognitive dissonance. The cognitive dissonance gives me abandonment depression. The abandonment depression drives me batshit fucking crazy and I become unhinged. Wild-eyed.
And then they get to say “Call your therapist.”
IV. Fuck you. You call YOUR therapist.
V. Rising and falling. It’s a process. I get good days, and I get not so good days. I get grief-stricken days and I get enraged days. I get numb days, too. Today is a numb day and I’m grateful.
VI. Working a lot. It’s saving my bacon. Again. Thank gods for my work.
VII. All the Harvestfest stuff in my feed is making me goddamned miserable. All the ‘this is why, and also 42’ stuff in my memories. The memories themselves. The way they sear me. The way I have to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep functioning, keep looking, clear-eyed, ahead.
The regrets. Gods, the regrets.
VIII. But this too shall pass, right?
IX. I haven’t been writing lately because I’m sick of myself, so of course, I assume, based on the story of my entire goddamned life, that you’re sick of me, too.
I’m sick of myself.
X. #selfpity #pityparty #wallowing
Meh.
Edited to add:
Getting the hard shit out of me is the only way I know how to get on with life.
I’m not sick of you.
Love you, Kimi
Never sick of you.
Mwah. <3
Not sick of you .
((((Rachel))))
Oh man … I HURT for you! Wish there was something I could say to help ease this impossible situation. The only things I can say is you are not alone. We’ve all been through brutal situations. And you will get through this, I promise. You’ll suffer from the emotional bruises, but you will survive and gain strength and understanding on the other side.
I always get to the other side. Thanks for your empathy. <3
I’m not sick of you, either. Witnessing all of this. <3
I love that since our ZOOM in MS, I can see your face when I read your words. :)
Never
Thank you. <3
He failed you. Be gentle and non-judgemental. You are so are so much more than your present feels. (💗)
<3 <3 <3 Being as gentle as I can. The brain gremlins are assholes.
oh how I relate to that feeling of being sick of yourself. Its why so many of mine last week were basically one word.
The words not aligning with actions is real. and then to say “call your therapist” is so dismissive and insulting. ugh.
Loving you. xx
Loving you back. <3
Not even remotely sick of you. I could use more of you, even.
*Throws more of herself at you*
Not gonna happen.
Thank you. <3
Effy so much of what you’ve shared recently resonates with 2015 me and the bits that still haven’t healed yet today. Please know that reading these entries is not a burden but rather, a privilege.
“not a burden but rather a privilege”
That is very healing to hear. Thank you.
dear f…. i as so glad when (at 40!) i had a boy-child… i grew up in matriarchy… one V strong (kind of a town earth-mama QUEEN! in the 70’s…) ma, dear bright gentle (yippy 🙌!) step-da and my sis. we lived on 200 acres 8mi (an ocean when u young) out of town. i grew up running around in the hills by myself. caught a lot of poison oak… 10 years later it was not safe to run around those hills as folk were growing weed and illegal/v $$ so got dangerous. but by then i had run back ‘home’ to berkeley ca…
so all this to say… in a big fat broad (😛) general stroke… that from raising my boy-child i got to learn that (again, over-broad but) … guys are simple!?! they say A, they mean A and they are done! a lot of us women-folk, we Tentatively say A… w all sorts of parenthetical, foot-noted thoughts… and then we really might want to rephrase that at some point!
a book i soooo appreciated was Milos Kundera’s (he famous for unbearable lightness) damn! gone fr my mind at the 63 yo moment… but at the end of every chapter in this novel he would have a ‘dictionary of terms’..when HE said love, or fear or whatever, HE meant bababa… when SHE said love, or fear or whatever, SHE meant bababa! and to me that is SO true! (not just between the sexes but anybody.. as we were all raised w diff colors in our glasses..) in a real broad stroke that doesn’t (as much) include artistic males, or other cultures, but as a broad swath, white western males… when they say x,y z, a whole lot of em, they are ‘done and dusted’ in their heads… we want to wiggle and pervaricate!? 😛 (i kind of forget what that means, but sounds good 😏)
not sure if any of this ring true for u…
scoozi are u in canada?! (so many in these art/groups are… i love it 😁) cuz u said indig day = thanksgiv, whereas here in the us it ‘s end of nov… also i think i heard London, but then 20 new cases (sigh!) and i think 20 cases would be small beans in lond/eng so must be? (sorry if i’ve asked already… my brain is waaaay too pour-ous these days! all the stickum is gone!)
hahaha nov… another story… ok ya wanna hear something that’ll bother u every year?! 😛 Oct = 8, Nov = 9 and Dec = 10 RIGHT?! 😁 so why?! u might know this already but i think it amusing/painful 😏
best to ya always, gran merci for what u do…
sorry, said 20 people would be ‘small beans’ in London, Eng.. but that can’t be true, someone(s) deeply loved those 20 — we hope! what i meant to say is if Lon Eng then they grateful it ‘JUST ‘ 20! see what i mean re ‘clarity and femme vs masc’ ?! 🙆
Thanks for your perspective. xo
Not sick of you at all! I think quite a few of us can relate to the feelings you’re going thru. You are in many people’s hearts, stay strong.
Thank you, Ruth. <3
Never sick of you. (((HUGS)))
Words not aligning actions – oh yeah, know that one so so well “I’m always there for you”…until I have a breakdown and our lunchtime “just checking you’re ok” phone calls end after a week because “you’re always so bloody moserable when I ring” – yeah well, guess what? that’s one of the side effects of having a nervous breakdown…..
You WILL get to grips with this – VIII this WILL pass! Honestly, believe it will pass! We’re all here for you xxxxx
Fuck yeah. Every word of this. It is painful enough for someone who doesn’t have trauma, but for someone who does? Searing. <3 And I know it will pass. I just have to get through it.
pee ess (sorry!) what about some emotional puke art in your journal? 😏 🍁🍂🙏💜🙋
wot everyone else sez….couldn’t ever be sick of you. xoxoxo
*mwah*
hugs .. never ever sick of you .. it takes time to re-balance your world into loving yourself while living in a better spot in the Wheel of Life .. hugs .. sometimes the Wheel spins like a top for awhile .. but we always love you!!!
Thank you, lovely. <3
I Trust yourself..always trust in you.
11 Quit blaming yourself
111 Find your center
IV Trust yourself, hold you tight
V You’re fine, we all have numb days. Take 24 hours to wallow in it, then wake up to a beautiful new day.
VI you have work, use it!
VII Memories go 2 ways…no regrets, their done .. over with…relish the good ones. NO REGRETS.
VIII Yes! It has passed.
IX Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Your life story will end well…very well.
X Pissy You are too good to have a pityparty… Let’s have a gratitude party.
I Love You…
Sometimes to get to the gratitude, I have to throw the tantrum. It’s allowed. :)
Tantrums are good for the soul!! Yea!!❤
Yup. :)
Keep on doing you! Whatever you need that to be.
Doing my best. :) A little wallowing now and then is allowed, yes? :)
The love of thousands is yours.❤️
Ooof. I felt that. Thank you. Yes.
I’m not sick of you. I’ve been in this awful place. The only thing good about was I got down to a size 3 for the first and only tiny if g and probably last time in my life. Remind me to show you the picture I just found of us the other day. He was hot! Anyway, sending so much love and support and big hugs!! Love you!!
Thank you, love. <3
You are loved, Effy. You are not alone, even when it seems that way. Let us be enough, we are always here.
I think most of us can relate to a lot of what you’ve been experiencing and while we may not verbalize it, we feel and felt the same way. I think you are a very brave woman. Hugs and caring to you, friend.
Thanks, love. <3
Never sick of you. You make my world (and lots of others’ too, no doubt) a better place.
Thanks, love.
moving through… sometimes it is all one can do. Through. I love you, I’ve missed your beautiful voice. Be well.
I have missed you, too!!! Where have you been, my darling? xo
I’d rather not discuss publicly, but suffice it to say that while i feel immensely connected to you, I found it hard to be me amidst the tribe.
Ahhhh. Gotcha. <3 If you ever want to reach out privately, I would be happy to talk with you about it. <3
The wildlings have settled into quite the lovely coterie of awesome. All the drama llamas were ejected quite some time ago and we all know how to hold good boundaries now.
We had to learn together. :)