I. Therapy yesterday. I was having feels about how it seems my life has gone to hell in a handbasket in the years since I’ve been doing all this inner work. The losses I’ve experienced are staggering, and the grief is intense, and I’ve been hitting a wall lately. What’s the point? If therapy is going to lead to *waves at all of this*, what exactly is the goddamned point? But…when we talked it through – the timeline, the new boundaries, the way I am aligning myself with my own best interests, the way I have stopped fawning, the way I hold feet to the fire when promises are being broken, the way I’ve built this business, the way I’ve survived SIX MOVES IN SIX YEARS, the way I have managed to keep body and soul together through some of the most traumatic experiences a person can have…
…I don’t know what life will look like on the other side of all of this unravelling, but I suspect it will be worth it.
*Mumbles that it better be*
II. Harvestfest is virtual this year, and while the whole thing is making me pretty tender (we pinky swore we’d always have Harvest, he and I, and so much of our love story played out under the stars around that annual fire) I am *really* looking forward to seeing some beloved faces.
The temptation to avoid all things that remind me of him is powerful, but my therapist has encouraged me to let myself have the memories – the good ones, the bad ones – just have them and feel them through. Apparently, this is the way to get through heartbreak like this, so okay, fine. I’m going to Harvestfest!
The event runs on Zoom starting tonight and culminates in the Corn King Ritual on Sunday night. I’m hoping Kimi and I have a fire bowl ready at her place to hang out around. I will get some Fireball. I’ll have my laptop so we can Zoom in and see our fest family. We will have quiet, responsible shenanigans.
Since it’s virtual, you can come, too! Here are the details.
III. My place is really shaping up to be the loveliest little sanctuary and I adore it.
IV. I took the above photo while I was waiting for a virtual concert to begin, and what you’re seeing on the screen there are thousands of people chatting pre-concert. It was much better than I expected and such a lovely way to spend a Thursday evening.
It took me a long time to fall in love with Marianas Trench. Some of you may remember that I bought my daughter and I VIP tickets a couple of years ago and I *tried* to love them before the concert, but I just *didn’t*. Afterward, though, well, something shifted. They got under my skin, big time, and they are definitely a part of my soundtrack at the moment.
You wouldn’t think a virtual concert would be all that big a deal, since we’re all accustomed to watching YouTube videos and having music streaming into our homes and lives from all our devices, but it was really quite the experience AND my introverted heart really appreciated being able to tune in from the divan, flanked on either side by the dogs, DRESSED ONLY IN MY UNDERWEAR. I couch danced and whooped and hollered.
I took the night into my own hands, and I made it mine.
V. This song on repeat today because reasons.
VI. Had to cancel an interview today because I am a hot mess, and she was so sweet about it that I burst into tears. People are really incredibly kind.
VII. Sephora is on Instacart now and because Renee has become one of my muses, I ordered all the things and today, I will put on a full face for Harvestfest. I also spent an outrageous amount of money (for me, anyway) on SKIN CARE. What the fuck is happening right now? WHO AM I?
Hey, it made me feel so good to put those things in my cart. It made me feel self-aligned.
Whatever it takes right now.
VIII. When a trauma survivor begins to heal and stops fawning, people drop out like flies and it’s just the way it is. BUTANDALSO not everyone drops out like flies. Some people stay. Some people arrive. Some connections deepen. There are some people who will think therapy/your therapist has ruined you, and they’re not wrong. You are ruined *for those people*. You are no longer acting in accordance with *their will*. You are no longer operating in ways that make *them* happy.
You are ruined for them, but you are saved for yourself.
IX. I may never ‘get over’ all of this, but I will learn to navigate it with grit and grace and honesty and self-empathy. I will focus on the connections that are healing, the ones that honour my humanity, and make space for what’s real and true. My youngest daughter is my greatest source of comfort right now, and while I don’t talk about my children much in this space (because discretion and they are their own and their stories are their own), I do want to acknowledge that when everyone else dropped out, she dropped *in* and I will never forget that. Never. I also want to acknowledge my friends, Kimi, Dani, Ali, Debi, Lee, Sal, Renee, and Myrna, who continue to sit with me in the darkness as I claw myself back from the abyss, and those in my virtual community who send notes, post comments, and reach for me with tenderness and willing witness. I love you all so much, it knocks the breath out of me.
X. I think I’m going to live.