I. Therapy yesterday. I was having feels about how it seems my life has gone to hell in a handbasket in the years since I’ve been doing all this inner work. The losses I’ve experienced are staggering, and the grief is intense, and I’ve been hitting a wall lately. What’s the point? If therapy is going to lead to *waves at all of this*, what exactly is the goddamned point? But…when we talked it through – the timeline, the new boundaries, the way I am aligning myself with my own best interests, the way I have stopped fawning, the way I hold feet to the fire when promises are being broken, the way I’ve built this business, the way I’ve survived SIX MOVES IN SIX YEARS, the way I have managed to keep body and soul together through some of the most traumatic experiences a person can have…
…I don’t know what life will look like on the other side of all of this unravelling, but I suspect it will be worth it.
*Mumbles that it better be*
II. Harvestfest is virtual this year, and while the whole thing is making me pretty tender (we pinky swore we’d always have Harvest, he and I, and so much of our love story played out under the stars around that annual fire) I am *really* looking forward to seeing some beloved faces.
The temptation to avoid all things that remind me of him is powerful, but my therapist has encouraged me to let myself have the memories – the good ones, the bad ones – just have them and feel them through. Apparently, this is the way to get through heartbreak like this, so okay, fine. I’m going to Harvestfest!
The event runs on Zoom starting tonight and culminates in the Corn King Ritual on Sunday night. I’m hoping Kimi and I have a fire bowl ready at her place to hang out around. I will get some Fireball. I’ll have my laptop so we can Zoom in and see our fest family. We will have quiet, responsible shenanigans.
Since it’s virtual, you can come, too! Here are the details.
III. My place is really shaping up to be the loveliest little sanctuary and I adore it.
IV. I took the above photo while I was waiting for a virtual concert to begin, and what you’re seeing on the screen there are thousands of people chatting pre-concert. It was much better than I expected and such a lovely way to spend a Thursday evening.
It took me a long time to fall in love with Marianas Trench. Some of you may remember that I bought my daughter and I VIP tickets a couple of years ago and I *tried* to love them before the concert, but I just *didn’t*. Afterward, though, well, something shifted. They got under my skin, big time, and they are definitely a part of my soundtrack at the moment.
You wouldn’t think a virtual concert would be all that big a deal, since we’re all accustomed to watching YouTube videos and having music streaming into our homes and lives from all our devices, but it was really quite the experience AND my introverted heart really appreciated being able to tune in from the divan, flanked on either side by the dogs, DRESSED ONLY IN MY UNDERWEAR. I couch danced and whooped and hollered.
I took the night into my own hands, and I made it mine.
V. This song on repeat today because reasons.
VI. Had to cancel an interview today because I am a hot mess, and she was so sweet about it that I burst into tears. People are really incredibly kind.
VII. Sephora is on Instacart now and because Renee has become one of my muses, I ordered all the things and today, I will put on a full face for Harvestfest. I also spent an outrageous amount of money (for me, anyway) on SKIN CARE. What the fuck is happening right now? WHO AM I?
Hey, it made me feel so good to put those things in my cart. It made me feel self-aligned.
Whatever it takes right now.
VIII. When a trauma survivor begins to heal and stops fawning, people drop out like flies and it’s just the way it is. BUTANDALSO not everyone drops out like flies. Some people stay. Some people arrive. Some connections deepen. There are some people who will think therapy/your therapist has ruined you, and they’re not wrong. You are ruined *for those people*. You are no longer acting in accordance with *their will*. You are no longer operating in ways that make *them* happy.
You are ruined for them, but you are saved for yourself.
IX. I may never ‘get over’ all of this, but I will learn to navigate it with grit and grace and honesty and self-empathy. I will focus on the connections that are healing, the ones that honour my humanity, and make space for what’s real and true. My youngest daughter is my greatest source of comfort right now, and while I don’t talk about my children much in this space (because discretion and they are their own and their stories are their own), I do want to acknowledge that when everyone else dropped out, she dropped *in* and I will never forget that. Never. I also want to acknowledge my friends, Kimi, Dani, Ali, Debi, Lee, Sal, Renee, and Myrna, who continue to sit with me in the darkness as I claw myself back from the abyss, and those in my virtual community who send notes, post comments, and reach for me with tenderness and willing witness. I love you all so much, it knocks the breath out of me.
X. I think I’m going to live.
1. Ok I’ve been playing that song on repeat, too.
2. I signed up for the harvestfest info package they said they’d send but I never got one. Sadness :(
3. Sephora on instacart is dangerous for me omg.
April, I’ll forward you the info. :)
Just got it! YAY! Thank you!
See you there, my lovely!! :) And maybe one year, we can get you down here for THE REAL DEAL.
The Ordinary skincare brand is amazing and not expensive. I’m trying all the anti-aging serums because hylauronic acid irritates my skin and it’s in all the main stream brands.
I got something rose something something because I am really loving the scent of roses lately.
Oh Effy! I absolutely LOVE your Heart. Reading your post this morning reminded me of my own journey out of the pit (as I called it), I lived in there on a narrow ledge just waiting for the next tremor that was going to knock me off and send me into the abyss below. I considered just jumping in many times, while my heart was breaking into a million little pieces. I didn’t think I’d ever find my way out or have any kind of life without the intense pain. I made it tho. Life on the other side of all the unraveling, pain, and despair is so, so SO worth it my friend. Your are worth it Effy. I know you will make it thru because your Heart won’t let you do otherwise. I honor you and your journey… Namaste
Thank you so much for the encouragement. <3
HUGS HUGS HUGS .. You said “If therapy is going to lead to *waves at all of this*, what exactly is the goddamned point?”
Having been drop kicked daily thru the pits of Hell abuse then years of traumatic therapy looking for the way out of the Hellish Nightmare my life was .. I hear you and I see you … and I promise you that the other side of it is a million times better than living the horror story side of it or the murky stage where you are now in your journey.
The point is when you clean your home and decorate to suit yourself .. you have love & peace & joy with yourself .. without trying .. it just is there .. my boundaries keep me safe from lots of ppl that want to trample on my lilac & rose bushes :)
Roses are gorgeous and smell wonderful .. but they have thorns which protect them/me from predators .. hugs
Enjoy Fest .. have lots of fun and joy!!! You are awesome!!!
I am totally fine these days with being more thorn than rose. <3
Thank you for your story 'from the other side'. I really need those right now.
I nod all the way through a lot of your posts…..I did four moves in four years…..I couldn’t handle ‘therapy’- the counsellor and I just couldn’t agree on how much more I could handle and how much good his method was doing…..his sessions were stressing me out far too much… Consequently it probably took longer to get my head sorted but I’m nearly there, having the support now of a partner full of understanding and compassion helps. And yeah, I lost so called friends when I ‘changed’ and started trying to be ‘me’ not the person I ‘should’ be in their opinion!
IX) my younger son was/is your daughter’s equivalent- from providing me sanctuary at the weekends before I could finally move out of the ‘marital home’ (what a shit expression!), to helping me move, visiting every other weekend to help get the house sorted as I couldn’t manage on my own, phone calls, messages, even more phone calls when I obviously wasn’t coping, instinctively knowing how much to support and how much to encourage me to do on my own, taking on my battles when elder son started being a prize **** when his interest free Bank of Mum closed its doors and he drove me close to the edge again and then decided he no longer wanted to be part of our family, changed his name and disowned us!
Not sure if I will ever be ‘fully recovered’…..I think mild anxiety attacks may be something I learn to live with if I won’t take pills to control it…but life is enjoyable now most of the time, especially after Lifebook Taster…I’m still doing your Beauty tiles, not quite daily but quite a few!
You are one strong, awesome person and you will get there in the end…you have lots of support and people cheering you on! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I love how ‘not alone’ this comment helped me feel. Thank you. <3
i have to tell you that being a witness (through the interwebs/journaljams/etc) to how you are dealing with life has been very inspiring to me. i have a chronic health condition that pretty much took over my life 10 years ago and has resulted in my ending up alone and in what i call “the well” most of the time. you’ve inspired me to seek help for my traumas and give myself a chance to heal. thank you for being you…
love, kisses & magical wishes…
~*~
Well, this makes it all worth it. <3 Thank you.
My life would make the Amityville Horror look like a day in the park. People wonder how I go on without a breakdown. If it helps you at all, I see “bad” things as challenges thrown at us to see how we respond. Whenever we get up, we get points, kind of like a video game. We are all allowed to melt down, but only for a bit if we want to win. Each time I pull myself up I get a feeling of pride that I just won more points for myself and will move higher in my spiritual quest for the next time around. There’s only one pass at this particular lifetime and I refuse to let the garbage of the world get me down. There’s always a brighter tomorrow if you just open up to it. I am convinced that only people who are actually advancing in their journey face deep difficulties, or they could not grow. Hugs and positive thoughts to you for keeping yourself going forward.
I appreciate your thoughts here about ‘advancement’. I sometimes feel like I’m running the gauntlet for a reason and I do my best to use it to my best advantage. There has been a lot of growth this year. Let’s hope for easier times, yes? <3
Effy I do wish you where feeling alive. I sure understand however why, and how you feel. Therapy can smack us in our face and leave us in more turmoil. Ive lost so many people as well. My parents, my husband and my eldest son. All to quickly and it impossible to work on one when around the bend unexpectedly we lose the next. My 5 people where my 5 closest loves in my life. They where , out of a large family, the ones who held me with love, conversation, trust, respect and our secrets. I feel orphaned now. Therapy cannot help me anymore. I try and ive tried, the entire therapy of all kinds. Trauma therapy , grieving therapy and so on. The realization is that I don’t give a shit anymore to try. I gave it myself and I got back the typical crap shit. Its all just a living joke, but in my head it’s all over
Aren’t we a a bundle of fun
Loving on you, Karen. <3
I took the night into my own hands, and I made it mine.
Fuck I love you.
I am so feeling that love, love. <3