I. The writing hasn’t been flowing as easily lately, mostly because I feel like a broken record, butandalso, I know that’s not true. The shifts may be tiny, but they’re happening. The dance may include a few steps back here and there, but mostly, the steps are steps forward.
II. Darling Human is ready. The entire freaking thing. All 387 pages of it. I’ll be putting up a sales page for it sometime this week. I intend to do regular email updates that invite users of the planner to participate in community challenges. That feels fun, and like a lovely way to stay connected throughout 2021. I have the feeling we’re going to need it. At least, I have the feeling *I’m* going to need it. That’s how most of my programs happen – I need something, so I create it. I’m kind of chuffed to know that’s true. P.S. Free sample of the planner here.
III. I heard from my eldest son last night. He remembered a time when he needed a thing and asked me to witch something up for him. He’s never taken any of *waves at all of that* part of my life very seriously, but for some reason, last night, he felt the need to remind me that I *do* have the magicks.
I was feeling quite low when he pinged, so his message was timely and gratefully received.
It might not feel like it sometimes, but I *do* have the magicks. Just look at my empire. I built it up from nothing and now it pays my rent. And, look. This little empire of mine doesn’t keep me warm at night, and it doesn’t tilt my chin up with a finger for a kiss, and it doesn’t brush the hair out of my face, and it doesn’t tell me it loves the way the sun sparkles in my eyes, but it is mine, and it breaks no promises, and I can *count on it*, and I made it, and that’s not nothing.
IV. Samhain alone in my nest with the dogs is nice when it’s *my choice* but it wasn’t my choice so it was a bit tear-soaked. I did a ZOOM gathering with my art witches earlier in the day, which was really good. We did some noodling around Blue Moon and ancestors and petition magick and then we honoured our beloved dead with a round of odes. So moving. But after the live was over, I was struck with how disconnected I feel from all of my sources of strength and comfort. Unanchored. Cut adrift. An untwinned twin.
I stripped down to one of my white chemises and crawled into bed with the dogs for a nap. Woke up again at 8 p.m. and lit the candles and prayed the prayers. Poured up libations. Whispered to the powers about impossible wishes. Put out my moon water. Threw some food into my face. Crawled back into bed with the dogs. Watched The West Wing special on HBO Max. So nostalgic. So good. Not enough to fill the night, though.
V. I was hoping to lure my platonic life partner over after work, but as it turns out, he is sick – probably not COVID but we’re not taking any chances, so we can’t see one another until he tests negative. This *sucks so hard* y’all. He has been such a comfort to me since the breakup. He just shows up and lets me be exactly where I’m at. We talk a lot and quietly watch things a lot and having someone I can actually hug in my bubble has been huge in staving off the abyss. He is the Eliot to my Margo, so he’d best get better soon. Please send him all the cootie killing vibes, please.
VI. There was a moment last night when I was in the thick of it – missing my love, missing my kids, missing my fest fam, missing Lee and staring down the barrel of him being in self-iso for who knows how long, which means a lot more alone time than I can stand right now. I was really feeling *waves at all of this* – the personal, the collective – pressing down on me like the weight of a thousand oceans, and then I snapped my fingers, and I said, out loud, ‘enough already.’ and just like that, it eased.
The relief was palpable.
I poured myself up a glass of chardonnay cut with fizzy water. I settled in and fired up The West Wing (the series this time – I’m ready for a rewatch) and actually enjoyed the rest of my night. Rolled myself up into my blankets around one in the morning and slept, dreamlessly, deeply, until six this morning. Woke up ready to take on the day.
VII. I’m glad it eased. It gets really heavy sometimes and I can slip into believing that I will never feel better, I will never stop grieving, I will never stop aching, and I scare myself when that happens, but like my kid reminded me. I do have the magicks. I will heal. It will get better. I will get through it, and I will not die alone.
So say we all.
VIII. Thankfully, I have plans tonight – a fire in Kimi’s back yard. A releasing ceremony. Fireball, even. My spirit daughter will be picking me up after Art Winos and she plans to share her epic chilli with me. Also, Art Winos this afternoon, which goes a long way to helping me feel connected with my peeps.
I know we’re all getting screen fatigue but thank the gods for technology. Can you imagine getting through all of this without it? And, oh hey – if you’re all bubbled up with your partner and/or your kids and you are stretched thin because that is also a lot, I see you, too. I’m jealous, but I see you.
IX. This song on repeat because reasons.
X. Am I in your head half as often
as you’re on my mind?
If I don’t make sense,
please forgive me. I can’t sleep at night.