I. I’m getting there with BOD stuff and that is lifting my spirits considerably.
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II. A thing I ordered before the breakup arrived in the mail yesterday (yes, it took that long). Two pendants – a wolf and a buffalo. I had ’42’ engraved in the buffalo. I’d meant to give the wolf pendant to 42, and keep the buffalo pendant for myself, but that’s not going to happen now.
I considered throwing them both in the trash, but after some thought, I decided to keep them. They are on a silver chain and hanging on my gargoyle, who has been tasked with watching over me while I sleep.
I came to a place of acceptance over the last couple of days. I won’t throw the good out. I won’t. I am starting to have lovely moments when I remember the good and instead of it searing me, it is making me wistful. Little smiles. All that was real.
I will not let that go.
What I will let go of, though, is being failed like that. I will let go of being lied to. I will let go of being handled. I will let go of anyone who can’t meet me where I am, who can’t sit with me as I am. I will let go of people who need to ‘fix me’ or ‘manage’ me. I will let go of being an option. I will let go of being inadequately partnered. I will let go of being shelved or kept simmering on someone’s back burner. I will let go of subtext. I will let go of mixed messages.
I know things got very hard and complicated, but I deserved to be stuck up for, fought for, chosen. I am worthy of that, so I am giving up anyone who triggers feelings of low worth within me.
If I feel like I don’t matter, if your actions don’t align with your promises, if you lie to me, if you neglect me, I do not fucking want you.
Onward.
III. This meme, because yes.
I am still holding out for a kilt & boot-wearing pagan or pagan friendly man who has done or is in the process of doing his own work. I am holding out for someone who makes me feel like I did when first we fell in love and the sight of you made me weak in my knees. I am holding out for someone whose masculine makes me feel feminine instead of maternal. I’m holding out for someone who knows how to thrown down. I am holding out for the same kind of corrective experiences – the experience of someone who was willing to be my rock, who took my side, who fostered trust, who made time. I am holding out for someone who makes it clear that I really fucking matter. I am holding out for someone whose words align with their actions. I am holding out for someone who understands that I need a secure attachment to someone who loves me as much as I need a therapist, and who gets that what I need from them is as important as what I need from my therapist. I am holding out for someone who will not give up when things get complicated or difficult because I am worth fighting for.
He will not need to save me, but he will know how to love me, and I know he’s on his way, because magicks.
IV. May all be straight within me.
V. Day Five of my eleven day working, because #artwitch
VI. Election + COVID stress has me sipping vodka soda at noon, and I’m okay with that.
VII. My eyes are very, very tired from building graphics, so this will be all the screen time I do for the rest of the day. I’m spent, but satisfied with what I’ve done so far.
VIII. GIVEAWAY. Click to enter. 
IX. I suspect the number ’42’ will haunt me all my life, but I am getting used to it. My girlfriends and I are starting to find it funny. John Oliver said “Title 42” about fifty times the other night. My junk folder sat at ’42’ for hours one afternoon. I logged off of a live and the viewer count was ’42’. I look at my phone at 4:20 every fucking day.
I’m like, wtf Universe? And the universe is like – look, the best way to work through a trigger is exposure, and besides, it’s still the answer.
X. Que sera serin. What will be has been.
Number 2 forever. <3
<3
❤️❤️❤️
https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=NMnajGWG&id=8863CB6B3D377BCAFAA85C3EA64F7443CE629AD0&thid=OIP.NMnajGWGSy-EBHhrYC9WMQHaDg&mediaurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.squirrelfarts.com%2Fsfblog%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F02%2Fpomboom.jpg&exph=350&expw=738&q=grenadine+grenade+pomegranate&simid=608000389786765425&ck=28D2A438B9A07D1B5E719D9BD9E59933&selectedindex=0&form=EX0023&adlt=demote&shtp=GetUrl&shid=ea4a4dc3-a6a0-422c-9b68-f76ef8c19590&shtk=SFRGIERvIEkgTWFrZSBUaGlzPyDigJMgR3JlbmFkaW5lIOKAkyBTcXVpcnJlbEZhcnRzIERyaW5rIEJsb2c%3D&shdk=Rm91bmQgb24gQmluZyBmcm9tIHd3dy5zcXVpcnJlbGZhcnRzLmNvbQ%3D%3D&shhk=j1aXxk3JzwYuyrfiGeBjYBcY96rnhZjvnDrzZyGKdjY%3D&shth=OSH.SKqJ82FOwlV57%252BZQOs%252FnLg
jumpin here just because not sure where… the end of the line blech 🤗 love pomegranates & #5… the world is such an interestin place! art makes it… lovely! best…
love it, above… squirrelfarts.com… 🤗 we take our happy where we can find!
“I am holding out for the same kind of corrective experiences – the experience of someone who was willing to be my rock, who took my side, who fostered trust, who made time. I am holding out for someone who makes it clear that I really fucking matter.”
This. This is what I want, too.
Yessssss
Dearest Effy and April 🥰🥰🥰🥰…. Keep holding out because it will happen…..62 years old, four divorces and I finally found mine! I am in no doubt that I matter! Every anxious wobble, he notices and cares enough to give me a hug and help work out what’s wrong…every tiny mood change, sad anniversary, hyper happy spell, wacky artwork encouragement, you name it, he’s there supporting and encouraging! We are so happy! So don’t you ever give up hoping either of you 🥰 ❤️❤️❤️
Such a lovely, hopeful message. <3 Thank you.
The world is full of good, kind people – I believe this – and so I, too, believe, that your Person is on his way…he may have all of those wonderful qualities, but maybe he’s not so good at following a map? ;P
My girl-child is in trauma therapy, and whenever she’s having a bad patch, I talk about you and how it is and how you are and now you’re both our hero. It also helps that she’s found her art again.
And OMFG I just has a giant epiphany….
…..sorry, as you were. All the love. :) xo
First thing I’m going to do when he gets here is give him a goddamned compass. :)
And tell her girl-child I said “Hello!”. <3
I share an office with the man I also love and live with. That has some challenges and we don’t always work well together. However, he knows your name and sometimes reads you over my shoulder. Many times he walks by and sees me in tears, and says “reading Effy are we?” He thinks you are a badass, as do I. You are doing the self care so wonderfully, in my opinion, and helping so many of us do it along with you.
Even though we all must do our own work, we all still just want someone who won’t let us down. Your person is out there, searching for you!
Love You
This made me cry. <3 Tell your love I said "HI!". You're both badass, too.
Those “someones” are out there. I found mine when I had sworn off men…”never getting married again”… hahahaha…he was never getting married.Another huge giggle… We had 44 years of wonderful and unfortunately, he died… there will never be another because I don’t need more. We were enough! >3
I love your story so much. <3