I. Burn out is real. My art witches are cutting me some slack throughout December, and that will help, but holy fucking overwhelm. My mental health isn’t great. I have COVID fatigue. I’m being extremely gentle with myself. Heat and serve. Ignoring housework. Wearing the same thing for days on end because it’s not like I’m going anywhere, so there’s less laundry to do. Simplifying. Embracing my inner swamp witch.
Speaking of which, one of my art witches sent me this:
It arrived at the perfect moment, and I am so thrilled with it.
II. I’m so confused about the whole vaccine roll out thing. It seems highly politicized and I’m irritated by that. Are we looking at another year before we’re all vaccinated? Does anyone actually understand wtf is going on?
III. Therapy yesterday and a conversation about separating the label from the human in order to put effective boundaries and expectations in place. That was hard and I cried because it triggered a lot of wound stuff for me BUTANDALSO it is true that shit behaviour is shit behaviour no matter what label the human in question carries. Father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, lover, friend…
…betrayal, abuse, scapegoating, cold shoulders, projection, unreasonable or inhumane expectations…
Shit behaviour is shit behaviour. Tolerating it is self-abandonment.
IV. I held it together for a few hours afterwards, but finally succumbed as the sun set and darkness came over my little nest – I had forgotten to plug in the twinkly lights and light the candles, so the gloom really hit me. I had a nice long crying jag all rolled up in my blankets while the dogs flanked me on either side. Didn’t reach out to anyone because I wanted to release it. I didn’t want cheering up. I didn’t want to be consoled. I wanted to cry it out and feel through it, so that’s what I did. Fell asleep all tear-stained at around 10 p.m. and woke up at 5:30 this morning. Put out my garbage like a grown-ass woman. Made coffee.
V. I have some energy today so I’m going to put it to good use. I’m going to put things up in classrooms so they’re ready to be released on December 1st. I’m going to finish the Darling Human Planner for 2020. I’m going to put up Journal52 over on Patreon and in The Wilderhood. I’m going to finish the dishes I’ve been struggling to do for a week now. I’m going to paint something.
Tomorrow, I’m doing a live ceremony in advance of the Full Moon with Eclipse in Gemini with my art witches, and then I have a date.
VI. Dating during a global pandemic is weird and awkward and a little bit terrifying, but we’re both being careful, and the alternative is – well. Not gonna work for me. I require (and deserve) good company through the long dark, so I’m going after it as safely and carefully as I’m able.
We had our first date last Saturday (at a fire outdoors at Kimi’s) after getting to know each other a little bit over phone calls and text messages. Slow and steady. He’s hosting me tomorrow at a fire in his backyard. I’m a little guarded, but I’m pushing myself to remain open because I want to find someone to couple up with through this winter (and beyond) and remaining open is the only way to get there.
I’ll tell you more about him when I feel sure that we’re going to be a thing, but I *can* tell you that he’s a grown-ass man, he activates my inner femme (as opposed to activating my inner mama), and he makes me smile. My inner swamp witch is ready to cut him off at the knees the moment he flies a red flag, though, so don’t worry about me. I’ve got me.
VII. My Christmas plans are cancelled for obvious reasons. The prospect of being in an enclosed space with people coming in from hot spots, no real ability to distance, etc. created a hard no in my whole body. I’ll miss my fest fam, but I don’t want to give anyone COVID, nor do I want to catch it, so we will resume our gatherings when it’s safe.
I don’t know what I’m going to do instead, but I feel okay about it. I’m might just do nothing but order Chinese food and watch movies all day. Maybe I’ll ZOOM with my wee girl if she’s up for it. I can live with that as an option.
VIII. I’m getting really good at solitude and filling my own time and making the days my own. If I come out of this pandemic with anything, it will be a new appreciation for my own company.
IX. How are you doing? Are you ok? How are you handling things? What’s alive in you? What are you thinking? What do you need?
X. Human kindness is everything right now, isn’t it? It’s a balm on my soul. Thank you to all of you who practice it.