I. Burn out is real. My art witches are cutting me some slack throughout December, and that will help, but holy fucking overwhelm. My mental health isn’t great. I have COVID fatigue. I’m being extremely gentle with myself. Heat and serve. Ignoring housework. Wearing the same thing for days on end because it’s not like I’m going anywhere, so there’s less laundry to do. Simplifying. Embracing my inner swamp witch.
Speaking of which, one of my art witches sent me this:
It arrived at the perfect moment, and I am so thrilled with it.
II. I’m so confused about the whole vaccine roll out thing. It seems highly politicized and I’m irritated by that. Are we looking at another year before we’re all vaccinated? Does anyone actually understand wtf is going on?
III. Therapy yesterday and a conversation about separating the label from the human in order to put effective boundaries and expectations in place. That was hard and I cried because it triggered a lot of wound stuff for me BUTANDALSO it is true that shit behaviour is shit behaviour no matter what label the human in question carries. Father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, lover, friend…
…betrayal, abuse, scapegoating, cold shoulders, projection, unreasonable or inhumane expectations…
Shit behaviour is shit behaviour. Tolerating it is self-abandonment.
IV. I held it together for a few hours afterwards, but finally succumbed as the sun set and darkness came over my little nest – I had forgotten to plug in the twinkly lights and light the candles, so the gloom really hit me. I had a nice long crying jag all rolled up in my blankets while the dogs flanked me on either side. Didn’t reach out to anyone because I wanted to release it. I didn’t want cheering up. I didn’t want to be consoled. I wanted to cry it out and feel through it, so that’s what I did. Fell asleep all tear-stained at around 10 p.m. and woke up at 5:30 this morning. Put out my garbage like a grown-ass woman. Made coffee.
Onward.
V. I have some energy today so I’m going to put it to good use. I’m going to put things up in classrooms so they’re ready to be released on December 1st. I’m going to finish the Darling Human Planner for 2020. I’m going to put up Journal52 over on Patreon and in The Wilderhood. I’m going to finish the dishes I’ve been struggling to do for a week now. I’m going to paint something.
Tomorrow, I’m doing a live ceremony in advance of the Full Moon with Eclipse in Gemini with my art witches, and then I have a date.
VI. Dating during a global pandemic is weird and awkward and a little bit terrifying, but we’re both being careful, and the alternative is – well. Not gonna work for me. I require (and deserve) good company through the long dark, so I’m going after it as safely and carefully as I’m able.
We had our first date last Saturday (at a fire outdoors at Kimi’s) after getting to know each other a little bit over phone calls and text messages. Slow and steady. He’s hosting me tomorrow at a fire in his backyard. I’m a little guarded, but I’m pushing myself to remain open because I want to find someone to couple up with through this winter (and beyond) and remaining open is the only way to get there.
I’ll tell you more about him when I feel sure that we’re going to be a thing, but I *can* tell you that he’s a grown-ass man, he activates my inner femme (as opposed to activating my inner mama), and he makes me smile. My inner swamp witch is ready to cut him off at the knees the moment he flies a red flag, though, so don’t worry about me. I’ve got me.
VII. My Christmas plans are cancelled for obvious reasons. The prospect of being in an enclosed space with people coming in from hot spots, no real ability to distance, etc. created a hard no in my whole body. I’ll miss my fest fam, but I don’t want to give anyone COVID, nor do I want to catch it, so we will resume our gatherings when it’s safe.
I don’t know what I’m going to do instead, but I feel okay about it. I’m might just do nothing but order Chinese food and watch movies all day. Maybe I’ll ZOOM with my wee girl if she’s up for it. I can live with that as an option.
VIII. I’m getting really good at solitude and filling my own time and making the days my own. If I come out of this pandemic with anything, it will be a new appreciation for my own company.
IX. How are you doing? Are you ok? How are you handling things? What’s alive in you? What are you thinking? What do you need?
X. Human kindness is everything right now, isn’t it? It’s a balm on my soul. Thank you to all of you who practice it.
human kindness is overflowing, and i think it going to rain today 😘
I love rain.
It’s the small kindnesses that absolutely undo me….gratitude flows in tsunamic proportions over the littlest stuff. I think that’s something this pandemic has given me. It’s also shown me what it is to be lonely — which isn’t something I’ve ever felt before. I’ve always had *just enough* social interaction (beyond immediate family, obvs) and now that I don’t have that….well….I’m feeling it.
As for what I need — more art, more poetry, more trees, more staring out of windows, more noticing…and always, more Effy. xo
ps. thanks for asking
pps. i believe in you
You can have as much of me as you like. <3 And yeah to small kindnesses. They make me cry every time.
This healthcare worker will NOT be vaccinated, neither will most of my co-workers. Vaccines usually take years of research and testing before approval. How long will it last? What are the long-term effects of the vaccine? The list goes on. Science is still learning about the effects of covid on the human body. From my perspective, it ain’t pretty. I have never seen people as sick as they ard in the 35 years I have been a critical care nurse. I like your BUTANDALSO. I too am in the same clothes, looking at the same dishes. You cannot even see the top of my art table, therefore no art, no peace. I’m tired. I’m empty. Feeling lost. Enjoy the human experience. I hope it works out; you deserve to be loved.
I hope you find a way to make some space on that art table, Jennie. <3 Art is the one consistent thing that I can really count on right now and I couldn't do without it.
I’m not settled on this vaccine business, coming from the medical field I know it takes years for science to adjust and amend. Hell just with these autoimmune diseases it’s a constant medication adjustment.
I just really want to see my mom and sisters, but that won’t happen, so theres whatsapp and zoom. My big deal sister sets up the zooms for all my nieces, nephews, sisters, mom and my children. It’s a great fix, but it’s been some years since I hugged my little mom.
I am glad you’re dateing and getting company, I love how you said he brought out the womwn not the mom… so dead on important.
I’m in badass flare up so it’s use canes to move, but it won’t last forever I’ll just be gentle until it passes.
It’s amazing how when your body is agonized how much it triggers mental stuff. I believe when we cry or feel the feelings… in the brokeness moment we have power. We feel it, face it, usually alone and we get it out and walk thru it.
Each persons time and way is personal, but the blessings is how it shows hope to others.
You’re blessed with that, you give hope and understanding to others, thank you.
I’m so sorry to hear about your flare. <3 I hope that eases soon, darling.
A small request: when you you terms like ‘COVID fatigue’ please please please make them into one word ‘COVIDfatigue’ because although it will send your spell checker into a hissy fit, it will mean the words will stay together, unbroken by a line break and I won’t go into a state of hysteria when one of my favourite artist/blogger/people says “I have COVID
.
.
.
.
fatigue”.
As for vaccinations, I won’t be first in line, but I will be getting one in due course. I worry about long term effects of vaccinations, but at 69 I figure long term ain’t that long, and even in this relatively safe place (New Zealand) I want to feel free to hug and gather and dance and do whatever without fear. I nervously went to the Hastings Opera House two weekends ago to hear Amanda Palmer (was Dresden Dolls)(who got ‘trapped’ in NZ when we went into lockdown, and stayed) and I thought of you several times, Effy. There is something about her that reminds me of you – the raw honesty, the determination, the incredible willingness to share – both of you encourage me to feel more willing to speak my soul, albeit pretty quietly so far.
Oooof. I’m so sorry. :/ And wow – you honour me with that comparison! I love her!
I, too am alone with my cat so most of the time I feel as if I am in a cocoon. I am still grieving the loss of my dog. I do have the privilege of seeing my only daughter, son in law and my grandson. I visit with my mom and Aunt once a month who are 88 and 90. So. Have to be extremely careful where I go, so I stay home. These short days have really been solemn as it gets dark so soon. I have taken this time to declutter my environment as I am trying to make it more simplistic. Can an artist/ teacher do that??? I am finding it so difficult. I would appreciate any advice on this topic! Honestly, making art everyday has really gotten me through all of this. I would love to date but how do you meet someone during this time? I think it is wonderful that you are stepping out carefully. I love that! You go girl❣️ Looking forward to hearing more. Stay safe
I just go through things once in a while and put aside the stuff I’m not using. I’ve only been buying things I actually use as I run out, too, and that definitely helps. <3
<3 Just wanted you to know I see you, Effy. I'm glad your dogs being beside you kept you steady enough so you could feel and express your feelings. <3
My dogs are truly my best friends. <3
I won’t stand in line to get this vaccine as I do not think they know enough about Covid to make one that is safe and effective! I remember reading what Jonas Salk said about viruses and vaccines. He said a real vaccine for viruses would work for ALL of them. It’s an interesting concept and I wonder if it won’t eventually prove to be true! Chilly here in WV – the sun is shining and the weather report says we’ll have snow Monday and Tuesday…good time to stay home and go to Journal Jam! It’s nice to have an online group to look forward to!! Told my granddaughter as we ate pie for breakfast that the best reason to make pies is to have leftover pie for breakfast! She had 2 pieces: one apple and one pumpkin (both with whipped cream) and I had mincemeat… we still have some left. Life is good!! (For anyone wondering, that granddaughter is 30 years old and lives here – not a child by any means!! lol).
Mmmm pie