Here we are in December, which means it’s time to review November.
Here’s how I approach these reviews:
In the realm of Earth: My body, health, energy levels; my business, work, service to my community; how well am I receiving? Am I feeling abundant? Growthful?
In the realm of Air: My mind. What am I feeding it? How are my anxiety levels (while for some, anxiety is a body thing, for me it is a mind thing)? What’s interesting to me? Exciting to me? What am I learning? Researching? What ideas or insights are coming up for me?
In the realm of Water: My heart. How am I feeling? How are my relationships going? What’s happening in my underbelly, my subconscious? What’s bubbling up? What dreams are coming into my conscious awareness? Are my waters calm or troubled? If they’re calm, is there troubling stuff going on underneath? If I’m feeling troubled, is it about stuff I can actually change or am I borrowing trouble from the past or future (regret/worry)?
In the realm of Fire: My empowerment, which includes all spiritual work/study, and my sexuality. What am I passionate about right now? What has me shaking with fury? With desire?
I grabbed the elemental icons off the Internet ages ago, and I have no idea who made them, but the rest of the format is my own. Feel free to use this system of review if you like. :)
In The Realm Of Earth
My body is feeling it’s age lately, and I’m aware of a desire to move it, but the motivation isn’t there, so I remain pretty sedentary. I am eating *way better* than I was for a while there, though, since I took my own advice (read this month’s workbook for more) and started stocking up on things that are quick and easy to heat up. My health is stable. My asthma is manageable. I’m better hydrated. I feel the impacts of stress (some hair loss & sleep disturbance) but this isn’t overwhelming. My energy levels are way better than they were in October, though I admit it takes three hours to do what usually takes me one. Long hot soaks in scented water are, as always, a huge source of comfort and self-care.
Work is wonderful, as always. The live gatherings are amazing to me – so energizing and soul-nourishing. Business is slow (to be expected) despite it being year-end, but I’m not in panic mode. I think as the vaccines get distributed and people can go back to work/move more freely and with less fear, I’ll see an uptick in class sales.
My meatspace community is fractured by the pandemic. Holiday plans have been cancelled. The isolation is very real. That being said, my virtual community is beautiful. The Wilderhood is full of gorgeous humans sharing the work they do in response to Journal Jams and my classes. My Facebook timeline has been curated to the point where I rarely trip over something that will trigger my fried nervous system.
In The Realm Of Air
My mind isn’t as sharp as I’m used to it being. I feel foggy most of the time, and deadlines are slipping through the cracks. I’ve had to ramp up my ‘list-making’ and schedule keeping to stay on top of things. This might also be menopause talking, though.
My anxiety is high, but I’ve been experiencing some relief. I have moments where I’m aware of my shoulders dropping and a sense of ease coming over me, and when that happens, I get quite a rush. There are days when I can’t stop shaking, and there are days when I’m okay.
Mind Food lately includes watching The Crown (I finished my West Wing binge), and listening to audiobooks (The Promised Land by Barack Obama is *so soothing*).
In The Realm Of Water
My heart. Oh, my heart. Attempts to repair a rupture with a family member was met with – well. Let’s just say I wasn’t well met. My dreams are anxiety-riddled things that include work deadlines looming or getting lost/losing my phone. My waters are troubled, but then I think we’re all in that boat.
Butandalso my boundaries are better. My awareness of what I am worthy of has grown. I am less likely to let people off the hook for shit behaviour. I’m not fawning, chasing, or begging. A certain kind of constant absence has given me space to heal.
I’m dreaming of a time when we can all gather again. I’m dreaming about being in a world where I can hug people and hang out with people and make plans to go places I want to go and do things I want to do, like take up pottery.
This piece overlaps with the realm of water & the realm of fire, but I’m going to put it here:
I had a disappointing encounter with someone who spent three weeks being very sweet to me (stirred up a lot of hope that maybe this could be a thing) and then dropped a steaming pile of deal-breaker in my lap – texted it to me in the middle of the night when he knew I’d be sleeping, so I woke up to ‘in the interest of full disclosure…’.
I thought it over and decided that a) I felt manipulated. This disclosure should have happened *much sooner*, and b) the situation wasn’t right for me, so I said so – clearly, firmly – no, this isn’t for me. Good luck out there.
His response was to deadname me *twice* and tell me I was obviously more interested in sex than a relationship. Deadnaming is a no-no. Slut-shaming is a no-no. Yes, I’m interested in sex as a very important component of a romantic relationship and suggesting that I’m *wrong* or *shallow* for wanting it is – well – bullshit.
So, I told him to go fuck himself, because being hurt when someone rejects you is one thing, but deadnaming and slut-shaming them is a form of emotional violence, so I really feel like I dodged a bullet.
I went into this with an overabundance of caution, given all that I’ve experienced this year, so I am happy to tell you that I am not shattered by it. I’m *disgusted* by it, but I’m not feeling hurt.
Still, I’m going to pull in my seeking for a while. Maybe for the rest of the winter. I feel the need to hermit and spare myself any further disappointment or ‘other people’s stuff’.
(P.S. WHY MEN? *Rolls Eyes*)
In The Realm Of Fire
I feel empowered. I feel powerful. I feel like I’m coming back into my skin. This may be a touch TMI, but I’m able to self-pleasure without bursting into tears, and that’s a huge relief. My libido is still low but it is sparking up a little bit in response to things like music.
I’m passionate about my work, and about self-soothing. I’m energized by live concerts – especially Rufus Wainwright – who is doing weekly home concerts that are so sweet and intimate.
I’m furious with the opposite sex for obvious reasons. I’m furious with certain members of my family. I’m furious with anti-vaxxers and conspiracy theorists. I’m furious with Doug Ford. I’m furious with people who don’t do what we need to be doing to get this pandemic under control.
I desire comfort. Cotton nightgowns and heating pads. Soaks in the tub. Comfort food.
My meatspace pod – Lee, Kimi, Alli. Bundling up for a fire. Bluetooth speakers. My new bed armchair. There are SIX PILLOWS ON MY BED. St. Hubert Tortierre. PC Shepherd’s Pie. Livestreamed concerts. Journal Jams. My coven, my BODkin, my guest artists, my colleagues. My virtual pod – Renee, Myrna, Sal. The 50 oz double-walled steel French Press that means my coffee is always hot and there is always plenty of it. A studio full of supplies.