I. Journaling of any kind is hard right now. Everything feels frozen.

Holding pattern. Same old same old day in day out. Numbness followed by desolation followed by apathy followed by despair. 

A change is coming, though. I feel it.

II. Vaccines are coming and once it’s safe to get back out into the world, I aim to explore my new city and find things to do that will get me out of the house and out of my head. I’m thinking about volunteering or something. Putting myself in the way of other humans. Being of service in some way. Something to keep me occupied so that by the end of the day I am exhausted in a good way and ready to sleep right through. Meanwhile, I am just hunkered down here in my little nest making content and waiting.

III.I spent Solstice alone. I spent Christmas alone. I’ll spend New Year’s alone. I can’t even talk about how that has been for me, so I won’t.

IV. Tomorrow, though, I will do a drive with my bubble up person – Kimi – we both live alone and are being extraordinarily careful – to pick up meds, which is essential. No puffers, no breathing, so off I go to get them. It’ll require a walk through Costco, but thankfully, they are enforcing masks and hand sanitizing. I’m afraid to be out in the world, but I am also looking forward to a few hours of company and open roads and blue sky. Note to self: call in your scripts. 

V. Everything is done for Jan 1 except for the part where I face the camera and say enthusiastic and happy things to welcome in my students for the year. I am struggling with that. I want to be honest and I want to be inspiring and I’m not sure I can be both right now, but I am going to try.

VI. I’m alive. I feel a bit like I’m going feral, but I’m alive.

VII. My plants are still alive. That’s a minor miracle. I’ve never kept plants alive!

VIII. Dreadful Bird on Patreon is a gift. I discovered him on TikTok and now every time he comes across my feed, I drop my shoulders and take a deep breath.

IX. Cocooning or avoidant? Does it matter right now? Probably not. My therapist will call me out on it if it’s the latter, so I’m just letting things be what they are right now. I’m tip-toeing into the new year like it might bite. Head down. Doing my own work. Hoping for the best.

X. Hoping for the best. Hanging in there. Really looking forward to working with Mary Oliver throughout 2021. Something about her poems feels medicinal to me.


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