I. Journaling of any kind is hard right now. Everything feels frozen.
Holding pattern. Same old same old day in day out. Numbness followed by desolation followed by apathy followed by despair.
A change is coming, though. I feel it.
II. Vaccines are coming and once it’s safe to get back out into the world, I aim to explore my new city and find things to do that will get me out of the house and out of my head. I’m thinking about volunteering or something. Putting myself in the way of other humans. Being of service in some way. Something to keep me occupied so that by the end of the day I am exhausted in a good way and ready to sleep right through. Meanwhile, I am just hunkered down here in my little nest making content and waiting.
III.I spent Solstice alone. I spent Christmas alone. I’ll spend New Year’s alone. I can’t even talk about how that has been for me, so I won’t.
IV. Tomorrow, though, I will do a drive with my bubble up person – Kimi – we both live alone and are being extraordinarily careful – to pick up meds, which is essential. No puffers, no breathing, so off I go to get them. It’ll require a walk through Costco, but thankfully, they are enforcing masks and hand sanitizing. I’m afraid to be out in the world, but I am also looking forward to a few hours of company and open roads and blue sky. Note to self: call in your scripts.
V. Everything is done for Jan 1 except for the part where I face the camera and say enthusiastic and happy things to welcome in my students for the year. I am struggling with that. I want to be honest and I want to be inspiring and I’m not sure I can be both right now, but I am going to try.
VI. I’m alive. I feel a bit like I’m going feral, but I’m alive.
VII. My plants are still alive. That’s a minor miracle. I’ve never kept plants alive!
VIII. Dreadful Bird on Patreon is a gift. I discovered him on TikTok and now every time he comes across my feed, I drop my shoulders and take a deep breath.
IX. Cocooning or avoidant? Does it matter right now? Probably not. My therapist will call me out on it if it’s the latter, so I’m just letting things be what they are right now. I’m tip-toeing into the new year like it might bite. Head down. Doing my own work. Hoping for the best.
X. Hoping for the best. Hanging in there. Really looking forward to working with Mary Oliver throughout 2021. Something about her poems feels medicinal to me.
same. so much same here. I love you swamp witch.
Love you, my adjacent. <3
I know your exhaustion with it all. But we have to keep holding on. There will be better days ahead Effy Bird! I think you are living in my city now. Grab a mask, a baggie of bread pieces, some good walking shoes, and head downtown to Harris Park for a lovely walk and a lung full of fresh air, Feed the ducks in the Thames before you leave and then stop by the Starbucks drive through for a creame brulle latte and a snowman sugar cookie. Trust me, you will arrive home with a smile on your face. Harris Park is never overly busy for a good walk so you should be quite safe. Meet ya there! From a respectful 6 foot distance of course……
What a lovely idea! I hear that frozen peas are better than bread, though, and I always happen to have those on hand where I almost never have bread! <3 I love Harris park. It is literally right *waves in the general direction of over there* from me.
It’s been a weird year and I wonder if it will get weirder before this “plague” subsides… the sun is shining, birds at the bird feeder, most of the snow melted, and all is quiet out here in the woods.
It’s really lovely out here today, and I keep thinking “Go for a walk, Effy” but the thought of encountering humans has me all NOPE NOPE NOPE.
The thing that drew me to you and your course was your authenticity. For me as a new student you showing up as you really feel is 100% better than pretense. Sharing our real feelings makes us acknowledge them. Then we can do the work. I already love thos course, so I can’t wait to grow with you.
Thank you so much. <3
Lots of nodding. I wonder, too, if I’ve crossed the line into ‘avoidant’ — I feel resistance to being around people, so maybe that’s the answer to my wondering.
As one of your future students, I would love it most if you came as you are. (but of course I understand the need to be ‘chippy and bright’). all the love..xoxo
I don’t think you have to be happy or chipper to be inspiring. So many of us are struggling.
Yup. It was important for me to acknowledge that as we crossed over into the new year, and it felt good to do it.
I hear you! At the same time that I look forward to when I can safely leave the house again, I’m worried that I’ve forgotten how to be around other people. The best we can all do right now is be kind to ourselves, and try to be kind to any others we interact with, whether in our bubbles or in the virtual world.
Zooms are saving my bacon. <3
Cocooning or avoidant… Avoidant it became. Anxiety took over. Now I “force” myself to go out (of the house were in my case the plants are dying) for a walk almost every day. The simple hello to the people I pass on the street feels good. Finding you(r bod2021) on the internet is such a treasure to me. 2021 will be my time to heal. Maybe thát must be my word of 2021. Unwind is just a part of that :)
I’m so glad you’re doing BOD. <3