I. I’ve spent this first two weeks of 2021 with my head down, doing my own work. For the most part. I have occasionally peeked up out of my little hermit cave to watch the news (holy Hannah) or check the numbers (holy Hannah), but mostly I’m just filming, painting, writing content, answering emails, and doing what I do. This is the part of my life that works, so I’ve taken up residence within it and I’m letting the rest go on without me.
II. I’m doing a lot better than I was as the calendar flipped over from 2020 to 2021 despite *waves at all of this*. I’m eating. More importantly, I’m cooking. My house feels good. I take pleasure in things. I’m not overwhelmed with the business of living. It all feels manageable. I’m laughing a lot more. I catch myself singing along to whatever Spotify is dishing up. I’m looking forward to things. I’m not hopeless. I feel useful. I feel more sure of myself.
III. I’ve stopped wondering why. Why did they respond that way? Why did they lie to me? Why did that happen?
I don’t care “why” anymore. I have spent my life wondering why, like a plaintive child railing against injustice.
BUT WHY?!?!
No more.
Why did they say that thing? Why did they do/not do that thing?
Who cares. They said that thing. They did that thing or they did not do that thing they said they were going to do.
That’s all I need to know.
This feels solid. Because understanding people’s motives might matter if there’s something to work out but it there isn’t? It doesn’t matter. Whatever their motives were, the *impact* is what matters. I’m too busy healing from and dealing with the impact to indulge that plaintive inner child’s need to understand why.
IV. I think I have a history of grappling with the “why” of things because I desperately want a reason to forgive. The sooner I can repair a rupture and forgive, the better. But I’m starting to understand that this is a trauma response. This is a form of fawning. This puts me in harm’s way.
V. Impact > intention. I won’t chase the why anymore. I won’t ask for apologies. I won’t accept them, either.
Changed behavior? Yes. Apologies? No.
VI. Progress? I think so.
VII. Rufus on Friday’s. Saving my bacon.
That plaque up above the laptop there that says “Hair up, Bra off, Wine Poured.” was a Christmas present from Kimi. Her knowing me. :)
Also, Jeff Martin on Patreon. I want that ZOOM call SO BAD.
Also, Dreadful Bird and the gentle reminders to engage gratitude.
VIII. I drew this! 
And then I painted it!
IX. #Mood
X. I’m going to be okay.
The quote to “Adopt the pace of nature…” has been popping up in so many unique places for me, I think a message is trying to get hammered home, ha! I love the concept of letting “Why?” just be. I grapple with it constantly and you are right that it isn’t the important part, “it happened” is what matters. Thank you for the reminder <3
This feels like a major lightbulb moment for me. <3
I love the crystals painting! I love you. I love the letting the why go. I love that you are cooking. I miss your face. <3
I miss yours, too. <3 I love you.
Ooof at #4. That’s been a big one for me to learn over the past six months, for sure.
I see you. I love you.
I love you, too. <3
The pace of nature…yes to that….”but all will be well, and all will be well and every kind of thing will be well” *sigh*
Love the letting go and the holding on. And you. xo
You are definitely ok Effy, you’ve lived a couple different lives and know the one you’re in now is yours to do with as you choose. Looking back, asking why is part of your memories and just are there. I have lived 4 lifetimes all different, some good some not but they are why I’m me today. Widowed twice and in the best relationship ever being touched by new people and things and touching new lives. I’ve felt drawn to you since I was in Lifebook 2020, and drawn to your classes especially BoD. Your writings speak to me and appreciate your openess, it takes courage – balls- to share it all. Much love my friend.
Question: I am going to get a set of Tarot cards…do they come with info, or do I buy a book?
Most decks come with a guidebook! There’s also this site, which is fantastic for learners: http://learntarot.com
It sounds like you are on the mend, Effy, from a lot. Things happen, for good or for bad, and most of the time “why” never gets the answer anyway!! Sitting inside, watching the dogs romp outside in the winter sunshine. All but the old girl, Bella. She’s right beside me, where she usually is. Bella thinks she is my protector and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Awwwww….I love our fur babes. <3