I. I’ve spent this first two weeks of 2021 with my head down, doing my own work. For the most part. I have occasionally peeked up out of my little hermit cave to watch the news (holy Hannah) or check the numbers (holy Hannah), but mostly I’m just filming, painting, writing content, answering emails, and doing what I do. This is the part of my life that works, so I’ve taken up residence within it and I’m letting the rest go on without me.
II. I’m doing a lot better than I was as the calendar flipped over from 2020 to 2021 despite *waves at all of this*. I’m eating. More importantly, I’m cooking. My house feels good. I take pleasure in things. I’m not overwhelmed with the business of living. It all feels manageable. I’m laughing a lot more. I catch myself singing along to whatever Spotify is dishing up. I’m looking forward to things. I’m not hopeless. I feel useful. I feel more sure of myself.
III. I’ve stopped wondering why. Why did they respond that way? Why did they lie to me? Why did that happen?
I don’t care “why” anymore. I have spent my life wondering why, like a plaintive child railing against injustice.
Why did they say that thing? Why did they do/not do that thing?
Who cares. They said that thing. They did that thing or they did not do that thing they said they were going to do.
That’s all I need to know.
This feels solid. Because understanding people’s motives might matter if there’s something to work out but it there isn’t? It doesn’t matter. Whatever their motives were, the *impact* is what matters. I’m too busy healing from and dealing with the impact to indulge that plaintive inner child’s need to understand why.
IV. I think I have a history of grappling with the “why” of things because I desperately want a reason to forgive. The sooner I can repair a rupture and forgive, the better. But I’m starting to understand that this is a trauma response. This is a form of fawning. This puts me in harm’s way.
V. Impact > intention. I won’t chase the why anymore. I won’t ask for apologies. I won’t accept them, either.
Changed behavior? Yes. Apologies? No.
VI. Progress? I think so.
VII. Rufus on Friday’s. Saving my bacon.
That plaque up above the laptop there that says “Hair up, Bra off, Wine Poured.” was a Christmas present from Kimi. Her knowing me. :)
Also, Jeff Martin on Patreon. I want that ZOOM call SO BAD.
Also, Dreadful Bird and the gentle reminders to engage gratitude.
VIII. I drew this!
And then I painted it!
X. I’m going to be okay.