I. Therapy today for the first time since early December. I cried a bit, but mostly I sat upright and I railed, and that is progress because these things are undeniably true, and these things hurt, but they are still undeniably true.
People who talk about me and not *to* me can go fuck themselves.
People who beg me to trust them and then lie to me can go fuck themselves.
People who say “You can share everything with me. I’ve got you.” and then abandon me when I share everything with them because they don’t like what it reveals to them *about them* can go fuck themselves.
People who insist that I believe they are on my side and then behave as though I am the devil because I say what I see can go fuck themselves.
People who think my therapist is some flaky spiritual healer without a degree (she’s a PhD, y’all) can go fuck themselves.
People who demonize me instead of facing their own demons can go fuck themselves.
People who tell me to cheer up instead of sitting me with I’m in pain can go fuck themselves.
II. I said to her “I’m recovering myself right out of any kind of ability to tolerate anyone else’s bullshit. I am becoming way more thorn than rose. I will never be able to let anyone in again. I can’t trust. That part is over.”
And she said “For now. We will work on all of that later. Right now, this is good.”
I believe her.
So onward, because *no one knows me as well as she knows me* and if your story about me contradicts her story about me, I will believe her story about me any day of the week. Hell, if my story about myself contradicts her story, I will believe her, because she knows me better than I know myself. I tell her *everything*. I have done for seven years now.
III. Maybe your issue with my healing, your throwing my therapy in my face, your “therapy doesn’t make you an expert” bullshit has more to do with the fact that you’re afraid I might be *right* about some things you don’t want me to be right about and less about *me and my healing process*.
That’s usually the way of it, tbh. People go to therapy, see what’s going on, say what’s going on, and suddenly our therapy is problematic. We’ve changed, they say. We aren’t the same, they say.
Fucking right, buttercup. We get boundaries. We self-align.
Try it. I fucking *dare you*.
IV. Most of what I deal with in therapy is directly related to the shit that gets stirred up by the people in my life who have refused to go to therapy. This is true, I think, for most therapeutic clients.
V. There is a pattern in my life of people rejecting me because I see them too clearly, and they can’t live with that.
VI. Suddenly, I am okay with that. Because if you can’t be seen and loved as you are (which is what I offer), I can’t love you as you are.
You won’t let me.
VII. I’ve got people to love and shit to do, so I’m done pouring into cups that *don’t pour back*.
VIII. There is nothing I’ve ever asked of anyone that was unreasonable. Nothing. In fact, I don’t ask for *nearly enough*.
But that’s changing.
IX. 
Someone sent this to me and no one is fessing up. You’re fucking right I am, and also thank you.
X. I. Choose. Me.
It takes a long time, a very long time to realize who we are and Why we are like this, and all the fucked up stuff done to us that we have held inside for so long, the fears to let it out, and start to heal, to become one with ourselves, not some comic strip kid in the corner afraid of what will be said or done to her. Taking time for yourself is so important and IT IS FOR Yourself to heal not them, Fuck Them! you are right.
Thanks, love. <3 It was good to just vent this all out.
Totally. I am the one in the background that just aired a right cross saying “YEAH!” Except I could never find a good therapist, so hurt by the handful I saw. Most recently, “there’s nothing wrong with you.” Seriously, um a totally abused childhood and …REALLY??? Anyhow, good YOU!! *continues reading self-help book and arting*
You be YOU, all of you, all the parts of you, all of the moods and the feels and the truths that some people can’t take. I hear you, I see you, I celebrate you, I love you. Now carry on. You got this… 💖
Maitri
Thanks, Maitri. *Carries on*.
🤗💖
I resonate with where you are, Effy. Speak your truth and stand your ground. I honor that you are willing to look at yourself, that you desire to understand where and why, and that you set boundaries to protect yourself from the crap others vomit on us (and then tell us — and themselves — that they love us). These positions are vital to a life that honors our very existence. Yes, you ARE resilient.
Yes, I am. <3
Per. Fect. Go, YOU!!!
Mwah!!
Thank you for being you and talking about how to do that. (This will resonate with many even if they don’t know it yet.)
It’s why I write. <3
Halle-effing-lujah!! Resilient…oh yeah. That. xo
Yeah, baby.
Seriously, after what this year put me through, I’m like – whatever. I can handle it. Bring it.
And then I whimper a little bit and ask the universe to be kind.
I’ve always had the tendency to “pour into cups that don’t pour back”. OMG what a description! I think I’ve recovered for awhile, then, with a soft heart, return to do it all over again. Seeing you, watching you, and how you do this is so uplifting. You resilient Badass you! xo
It’s enough already, yanno? No more. I choose me.
They can all go fuck themselves. Fuck yes. I love you swamp witch.
This was powerful and full of power. Our words are power, well to me.
Therapy is a private relationship, a gut honest, soul searching, getting into the dark rooms and hidden passageways… relationship.
As you’ve said, that persons, only care, is you. The therapist’s only concern is to help you on your healing path, solidifying your voice and holding you up when you’re just way too tired.
Trust her, trust you, trust the relationship.
Truth is, noone elses opinion on Therapy matters, we all go at our pace our way and noone has the right to say it’s wrong, except the person in therapy, who does have the right to switch people until they find there help.
Just my thoughts, hope it made sense and wasn’t over stepping.
I see, your empowering yourself.