I. Therapy today for the first time since early December. I cried a bit, but mostly I sat upright and I railed, and that is progress because these things are undeniably true, and these things hurt, but they are still undeniably true.
People who talk about me and not *to* me can go fuck themselves.
People who beg me to trust them and then lie to me can go fuck themselves.
People who say “You can share everything with me. I’ve got you.” and then abandon me when I share everything with them because they don’t like what it reveals to them *about them* can go fuck themselves.
People who insist that I believe they are on my side and then behave as though I am the devil because I say what I see can go fuck themselves.
People who think my therapist is some flaky spiritual healer without a degree (she’s a PhD, y’all) can go fuck themselves.
People who demonize me instead of facing their own demons can go fuck themselves.
People who tell me to cheer up instead of sitting me with I’m in pain can go fuck themselves.
II. I said to her “I’m recovering myself right out of any kind of ability to tolerate anyone else’s bullshit. I am becoming way more thorn than rose. I will never be able to let anyone in again. I can’t trust. That part is over.”
And she said “For now. We will work on all of that later. Right now, this is good.”
I believe her.
So onward, because *no one knows me as well as she knows me* and if your story about me contradicts her story about me, I will believe her story about me any day of the week. Hell, if my story about myself contradicts her story, I will believe her, because she knows me better than I know myself. I tell her *everything*. I have done for seven years now.
III. Maybe your issue with my healing, your throwing my therapy in my face, your “therapy doesn’t make you an expert” bullshit has more to do with the fact that you’re afraid I might be *right* about some things you don’t want me to be right about and less about *me and my healing process*.
That’s usually the way of it, tbh. People go to therapy, see what’s going on, say what’s going on, and suddenly our therapy is problematic. We’ve changed, they say. We aren’t the same, they say.
Fucking right, buttercup. We get boundaries. We self-align.
Try it. I fucking *dare you*.
IV. Most of what I deal with in therapy is directly related to the shit that gets stirred up by the people in my life who have refused to go to therapy. This is true, I think, for most therapeutic clients.
V. There is a pattern in my life of people rejecting me because I see them too clearly, and they can’t live with that.
VI. Suddenly, I am okay with that. Because if you can’t be seen and loved as you are (which is what I offer), I can’t love you as you are.
You won’t let me.
VII. I’ve got people to love and shit to do, so I’m done pouring into cups that *don’t pour back*.
VIII. There is nothing I’ve ever asked of anyone that was unreasonable. Nothing. In fact, I don’t ask for *nearly enough*.
But that’s changing.
Someone sent this to me and no one is fessing up. You’re fucking right I am, and also thank you.
X. I. Choose. Me.