I. I took some time off blogging because I felt like I was just saying the same thing over and over again and it was tiresome.
II. In the time since last we typed, GG was hospitalized. I don’t want to talk about it because a) discretion and b) there’s a lot of fury in this for me. A lot of sadness. A lot of fear. I just want you to hold him and his potential for finding his way back from this in your heart. Help me hold myself upright in the belief that he will be okay and we will get through this.
At least I have some help with all of it this time, and at least this has begun to heal some of the ruptures I had within my family last year, but Holy Hannah. This could have been prevented had that help been there when the issues that led to this hospitalization first began to present itself as an issue, so the fury is real.
III. I’m exhausted, but I think we can all relate to that. Spring is springing but the usual joy that goes along with that awareness is hard to connect with. The usual excitement over upcoming festivals has been crushed by the sale of the venue we usually have those fests at and the fact that it won’t be safe for us to gather until sometime later this year anyway. I’m depleted and I’m trying to figure out how I can refuel now that my usual ways of doing that have been canceled due to COVID.
IV. But I’m making a lot of art. My house is clean. I feed myself. And despite some seriously disappointing (and in some cases traumatic) experiences, I am okay-ish. Lonely, so lonely, but okay-ish.
V. I have enough bandwidth to keep my own body and soul together and not much more than that. I’m more reactive and therefore less available as a result, but it’s either that, or I’ll head right on into another nervous breakdown.
Nope. Not gonna.
I’m as available as I can be within the confines of my limitations. I’m quicker with a “no, don’t do that”. I’m asking for a lot more patience and where I can’t have that, I simply disconnect, because that’s all I’ve got. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this, though so if this is you, too, well. I see you. *links pinkies*
VI. All this art since last we typed (and more that I haven’t photographed yet).
VII. My spiritual and creative life is on fire. I had a reading with the incomparable Chris Zydel in which I realized that there is a lot of help on offer from the unseen realms that I don’t tap into because I lack a sense of worth. She reminded me that this help was earned. I have earned it. I can lean on it, call upon it, expect it to show up, and let it prop me upright as needed.
I’m calling the moon.
VIII. There’s always something to celebrate. Friendships that feel like they flow in ways that nourish my spirit. Art and the way it heals me. My relationship with my youngest daughter, which is tender and healing for us both, and affirming in ways I could never have imagined. Music. My plants, which are still alive almost a year after I got them (miraculous). My galaxy projector. Fantastic fucking boundaries. The way my self-work has continued even in the midst of *waves at all of this*. Journal Jams. My incredible virtual coven. Fresh flowers. Vaccines are coming. My son saying “Love you mom” and his recognition that I’m on his side now that the meds are starting to kick in. My gorgeous grandchildren. The way grief ebbs when you just feel your way through it. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Grace. Mercy. An invincible summer within me.
IX. I’m ahead with work stuff, and that feels really good. I’m about to throw up the edited replay of yesterday’s Journal Jam for my fine feathered friends in BOD2021 and my patrons on Patreon. You can watch the full-length replay here if you like, but be forewarned. I do a lot of singing and swearing. Once that’s up, I’m going to take the rest of the day off because I’ve earned it. I plan to watch Yellowstone and do some personal art.
Tomorrow, I’m going to film a thing for a thing (A Year Of Mary) before my house elf arrives. We’re going to go to Bijan’s – either before she dives into putting my space to rights or after – because we have a need to buy some art supplies. Thursday is therapy and whatever else the day calls forth from me. Friday is Rufus. The weekend will be about finishing touches on things that are due, and on Monday, we Journal Jam (join The Wilderhood for updates) AND I am going for sushi with a friend to celebrate her birthday – terrifying, yes, but a much-needed break from these four walls. Numbers are pretty well controlled here where I am, so I’m okay-ish with it.
X. My familiar is home. She is as beautiful as ever, got comfortable immediately upon her return, and has been slow blinking at me a lot. I really missed her.
Thanks to Chloe who fostered her for a bit there until I could get to KW to pick her up and thanks to Kimi who drove me there and back. xo