I.Shiny brand new month! Spring! The month-end list is SLAIN! I feel like the queen of my own domain.
II. March was a bit gnarly – there’s been a lot of ups and downs in the realm of vaccine rollouts. Things are going much more slowly than anyone would like. Variants are on the rise. We’re definitely in a third wave. Ontario is going into a month of tighter restrictions as of Saturday – not that anything changes for me because I have just stayed in lockdown even as things have eased. I am in desperate need of a cottage weekend or a camping trip or a festival or SOMETHING that feels frolicsome and fun, butandalso I am not quite sure how reentry is going to go given that I find the prospect of hanging out with actual human beings pretty much terrifying. I know I can manage one on one. What happens when there’s more than one? What happens when there’s OMG three? Four? A DOZEN? Eeep. I guess I’ll find out!
III. The weather has been teasing me mercilessly with super beautiful warm days followed by chilly wet and gloomy days. This isn’t unusual for spring in Canada, but it feels especially wearisome given that we’ve all been in lockdown all winter long. Today looks like frigid temperatures and *snow*, for crying out loud, so I’m glad I don’t have to go anywhere. There will be tea and puppy cuddles and a hot soak at some point. I’ve also got my one bubble person coming over for an episode of The Stand which I am finding weirdly comforting to watch despite the weirdness of watching a plague on screen while a plague rages all around me. There will be Apothic Dark and a pot of Jambalaya to share. Good times.
IV. GG is out of the hospital and settling in at home. He seems to be doing well, and I want to take this opportunity to thank you all for your good wishes and prayers as we navigated *waves at all of this*. Things feel significantly different this time versus his last hospitalization in 2016 – there are resources in place that we didn’t have before + he is much more accepting of the severity of the consequences of going off his medication, so I am experiencing a great deal of optimism and relief. His step-dad is also much more involved this time, which has been a huge relief to me since he lives close by whereas I live an hour away by car.
It is *so good* to be back in regular contact with him, even though we can only visit virtually for the time being. We’re planning on a meatspace visit as soon as we can, but in the meantime, there’s Zoom and World of Warcraft and Words With Friends.
V. Conspiring over things to create and facilitate with Renee in the fall. Also, y’all want a friend like Renee. No one in my life knows how to just *be with what is* like Renee. No one knows how to snatch me when I need snatching like Renee. Love you, Renee.
VI. I graduated out of therapy, and I’m now on monthly maintenance for a few months before reassessing where I’m at. I’m going to miss my weekly Zooms with my therapist a lot but I am ready to integrate all of the work we’ve done over the last eight (!!) years. The way I handle myself these days is proof of the efficacy of that work. I am better than I’ve ever been with stronger boundaries and a stable foundation of self-worth and loyalty to see me through. If I need to resume, I will, but for now, I’m ready to fly on my own.
VII. Brandi Carlile. Gods, I love her so much. Last Sunday, she did a concert (with a fully vaccinated audience) that was live-streamed and I loved every second of it. Every song hit me where I live, and I admit I did a lot of weeping while I whooped and hollered at my t.v. screen.
And speaking of live-streamed concerts, Kimi and I got together last Friday for a Wardruna concert and it was EPIC.
I made corned beef & cabbage for our dinner and that was also epic!
VIII. Having this girl home has also been epic. She has been taking lessons from Renee’s Lola and screams at me on the regular in the most endearing way. She meows and meows and then sticks her head in my armpit and purrs and purrs and makes me feel like I might just be the very best human ever – at least so far as she’s concerned.
IX. The internet amuses me. This has been floating around, and truer words have never been memed.
Having experienced the absolute destructive quality of a so-called “twin flame” relationship, I’ve come to the conclusion that describing ambivalent men as one’s “twin flame” is a really convenient way to shift all the emotional labour onto one party and keep them hooked into a painful game of “wait and see”. Your mileage may vary, and I’ll never tell you what you should or shouldn’t do in the realm of relationships, but I’ve listened to enough of this stuff from various sources to suspect that “twin flame” relationships seem to be nothing more than insecure, anxious attachment styles colliding with avoidant attachment styles in disguise. These kinds of relationships seem to create trauma bonds that keep one party stuck in a holding pattern far, far longer than is healthy.
It also seems to be a way to rationalize away the damage done to all parties where there are power imbalances due to age differences, infidelity or deception involved. When you tell a person who is embroiled in that kind of thing that “soul contracts were signed by all parties” so their participation in the power imbalance or deception is just part of the learning experience, well…that really is a fucking dumpster fire. The whole thing. Garbage. Trash. I’ve been in therapy way too long to buy this bullshit anymore. I’m over it. I’m not here for it. And the next person that uses this language with me in reference to my relationship with them is going to get the door slammed in their face so fast they won’t know what hit them.
Spiritual excuses for abusive behaviours and unhealthy relationship styles make me stabbity.
X. The prospect of Golden Girling in Mexico with Renee becomes ever more appealing.
P.S. Even though I feel like I’ve aged a decade this year, I am still feeling myself.
Here’s some art I’ve made since last we typed.
I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook Group.