I.Shiny brand new month! Spring! The month-end list is SLAIN! I feel like the queen of my own domain.
II. March was a bit gnarly – there’s been a lot of ups and downs in the realm of vaccine rollouts. Things are going much more slowly than anyone would like. Variants are on the rise. We’re definitely in a third wave. Ontario is going into a month of tighter restrictions as of Saturday – not that anything changes for me because I have just stayed in lockdown even as things have eased. I am in desperate need of a cottage weekend or a camping trip or a festival or SOMETHING that feels frolicsome and fun, butandalso I am not quite sure how reentry is going to go given that I find the prospect of hanging out with actual human beings pretty much terrifying. I know I can manage one on one. What happens when there’s more than one? What happens when there’s OMG three? Four? A DOZEN? Eeep. I guess I’ll find out!
III. The weather has been teasing me mercilessly with super beautiful warm days followed by chilly wet and gloomy days. This isn’t unusual for spring in Canada, but it feels especially wearisome given that we’ve all been in lockdown all winter long. Today looks like frigid temperatures and *snow*, for crying out loud, so I’m glad I don’t have to go anywhere. There will be tea and puppy cuddles and a hot soak at some point. I’ve also got my one bubble person coming over for an episode of The Stand which I am finding weirdly comforting to watch despite the weirdness of watching a plague on screen while a plague rages all around me. There will be Apothic Dark and a pot of Jambalaya to share. Good times.
IV. GG is out of the hospital and settling in at home. He seems to be doing well, and I want to take this opportunity to thank you all for your good wishes and prayers as we navigated *waves at all of this*. Things feel significantly different this time versus his last hospitalization in 2016 – there are resources in place that we didn’t have before + he is much more accepting of the severity of the consequences of going off his medication, so I am experiencing a great deal of optimism and relief. His step-dad is also much more involved this time, which has been a huge relief to me since he lives close by whereas I live an hour away by car.
It is *so good* to be back in regular contact with him, even though we can only visit virtually for the time being. We’re planning on a meatspace visit as soon as we can, but in the meantime, there’s Zoom and World of Warcraft and Words With Friends.
V. Conspiring over things to create and facilitate with Renee in the fall. Also, y’all want a friend like Renee. No one in my life knows how to just *be with what is* like Renee. No one knows how to snatch me when I need snatching like Renee. Love you, Renee.
VI. I graduated out of therapy, and I’m now on monthly maintenance for a few months before reassessing where I’m at. I’m going to miss my weekly Zooms with my therapist a lot but I am ready to integrate all of the work we’ve done over the last eight (!!) years. The way I handle myself these days is proof of the efficacy of that work. I am better than I’ve ever been with stronger boundaries and a stable foundation of self-worth and loyalty to see me through. If I need to resume, I will, but for now, I’m ready to fly on my own.
VII. Brandi Carlile. Gods, I love her so much. Last Sunday, she did a concert (with a fully vaccinated audience) that was live-streamed and I loved every second of it. Every song hit me where I live, and I admit I did a lot of weeping while I whooped and hollered at my t.v. screen.
The Story is my autobiography. I’m also really feeling this song – especially that line about a crowded table.
And speaking of live-streamed concerts, Kimi and I got together last Friday for a Wardruna concert and it was EPIC.
I made corned beef & cabbage for our dinner and that was also epic!
VIII. Having this girl home has also been epic. She has been taking lessons from Renee’s Lola and screams at me on the regular in the most endearing way. She meows and meows and then sticks her head in my armpit and purrs and purrs and makes me feel like I might just be the very best human ever – at least so far as she’s concerned.
IX. The internet amuses me. This has been floating around, and truer words have never been memed.
Having experienced the absolute destructive quality of a so-called “twin flame” relationship, I’ve come to the conclusion that describing ambivalent men as one’s “twin flame” is a really convenient way to shift all the emotional labour onto one party and keep them hooked into a painful game of “wait and see”. Your mileage may vary, and I’ll never tell you what you should or shouldn’t do in the realm of relationships, but I’ve listened to enough of this stuff from various sources to suspect that “twin flame” relationships seem to be nothing more than insecure, anxious attachment styles colliding with avoidant attachment styles in disguise. These kinds of relationships seem to create trauma bonds that keep one party stuck in a holding pattern far, far longer than is healthy.
It also seems to be a way to rationalize away the damage done to all parties where there are power imbalances due to age differences, infidelity or deception involved. When you tell a person who is embroiled in that kind of thing that “soul contracts were signed by all parties” so their participation in the power imbalance or deception is just part of the learning experience, well…that really is a fucking dumpster fire. The whole thing. Garbage. Trash. I’ve been in therapy way too long to buy this bullshit anymore. I’m over it. I’m not here for it. And the next person that uses this language with me in reference to my relationship with them is going to get the door slammed in their face so fast they won’t know what hit them.
Spiritual excuses for abusive behaviours and unhealthy relationship styles make me stabbity.
X. The prospect of Golden Girling in Mexico with Renee becomes ever more appealing.
P.S. Even though I feel like I’ve aged a decade this year, I am still feeling myself.
Here’s some art I’ve made since last we typed.
I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook Group.
You are awesome Effy – always inspiring, and motivating. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be apart of Book of Days – I am always deeply touched by what is created through it. Beautiful ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Love you – one day we will meet in person for hugs ❤️
YESSSSSSSS to hugs. Absolutely. <3 You are such a beauty inside and out! I am so happy to call you friend.
I’m joining along with you and blogging in April, I’m new to all things blog so its going to be a challenge,. Your 2020 BOD is still in my shelf to be completed, I will get there, every day is a day to achieve something even if that’s just breathing xx
That’s why I love classes with forever access. :) It feels abundant to have them saved up for a rainy day!
a glorious start to the month.
people though. I feel ya there.
Right? Jesus. I have a story to tell you when you come over today.
Wonderful blog! Full of so much hope. Thanks for the encouragement to blog/journal. <3
My pleasure!! <3
Love the art you’ve done since last posting. Spring is coming- hooray. You are making the best of the lockdown with concerts and uplifting treats. Your kitty friend helps, too! Thankful for Zoom- who knew we needed it?
Right? Zoom has been a godsend.
Yes to long winter, springtime teases of warm weather and the feeling of let’s just get on with this (no more cold and snow.). But I, too, live in a cold realm and the April or May snow storms are for realz. (sigh). <3
They are for realz and I am so annoyed. *lol*
I miss flowing in with the group this year, but am finding a good rhythm. I’m so glad that I got poked into this month’s challenge because it has me opening to so many more opportunities. *twinning on the twin flame dumpster fire avoidant/anxious attachment dynamic for suresies*
It’s *so destructive*. Keeps us on a really exhausting gerbil wheel of desire when our energy would better be used elsewhere! <3
You are as beautiful as ever — inside and out! People… Yeah — I’m wit’ cha on that one! I stay in my house in my room. But — I did get the blessing of vaccination yesterday. My doc is a BEAST and fought the good ol’ gov’ment until they sent her the vaccine so that she could take care of her patients (most elderly or high risk like me). Back later this month for shot #2… Looking forward to the next 29 days of writing and Artfully Wild Blog Along!
I’m so grateful for your doctor!! <3
Your last Artfully Wild Blog Along got me blogging usually at least once a month, Effy and am delighted you started it up again. So many great blogs to read and absorb. A delicious smorgasbord. I’m happy to hear about GG and seeing Sybil back with you totally warms my heart.
Sybil being back with me makes this place *home*. <3
Effy, thank you for sharing the blogging challenge. I look forward playing along. Stay safe!
You, too, Renee! <3
I love that you’ve inspired me to blog again! Thank you for that! I’m so happy that GG is doing so well and that things are smoothing out for you. We’ve had a cold front push through here in NC, too! Thank goodness it will be sunny and 70 on Sunday! I’m way over the cold weather! Your art is amazing, as always! It speaks to my soul and makes me happy just to look at it! I’m going to do my best to post daily for the challenge! We’ll see what happens by the end of April! Hugs, my beautiful friend!
I know you can do it!!! <3
You always talk to me and I always hear, it’s good to know there’s other people out there living this ❤️
<3 <3 <3
Thank you thank you so much for doing this challenge! I love the push to get back to my own writing, but I’m loving reconnecting with old friends and new this way.
Sending lots of love for all that’s on your list. Thanks for sharing yourself with us this way.
Thanks for reading, Kim! <3 And blogger friends are the best kind of friends, aren't they? :)
I am so with you on the peopling. In Australia life has carried on much as usual for the most part so coming out of isolation -thankfully- is not the issues, my peopling issue is an all-day-every-day-thing but I just wanted to say, I get it.
Also, your food pictures are making me salivate! hahaha
And that cat of yours, omgsquoosh.
And also, also, completely agree with your take on the twin flammage. I chose a long time ago to disregard anything that has anything to do with that term. It’s a trap!!
“It’s a trap!!!” Indeed. <3
I’m such a fan of your writing. I always read your posts because you infuse a gutsy level of self-reflection into the honest telling of your everyday life experiences – from the glorious to the heartbreaking. I see myself and learn from your insight. Thank you for being such clear mirror.
Thank you for your witnessing. <3
Thank you for always inspiring. I wish GG continued strength on his journey. And goodbye to toxic relationships that serve no other purpose than to destroy us.
Yesssss to that last sentence. <3
Such good news Effy! You are amazing! What resonates most for me personally is item II in the list. After one full year plus1 or 2 weeks in isolation, I have decided that the best way for me to emerge is slowly. And not revert to old ways of being.
Yes, slowly. <3 Emergence doesn't have to be done with urgency.
I love how you notice the world.
It’s an old poet’s trick that I have up my sleeve. <3
I’m going to try and blog-along Effy – although already I am late for Day 1…
All good! You can tack on an extra day at the end. xo
2021 is definitely your year to get it all back on track! xoxo
It certainly feels that way, yes. xo
I am so happy I have found all your places. I needed this, all of it. Thanks for all your hard work and encouragement. I haven’t stopped art -ing since I joined and I am loving all of it and looking forward.
This is wonderful to hear. <3
This challenge came at a good time. I have wanted to get my blog going for a very long time. Thank you for doing this adventure in finding new people to get to know. I am on your list for classes and just helped with Tam’s earth project.
Woo hoo!! I know you’ll love the Art For Earth project!!
thank you for introducing me to a new to me singer…..enjoying listened to her for the past hour….LOL ….Glad that things are looking up for GG …..
Isn’t she wonderful?? *Happy Sigh*
I’m looking forward to a lovely month of blogging. I so enjoy the community that this challenge brings.
It’s lovely to have you back again this year, Francine!! xo
Oh this blog entry is brilliant. I agree with you – I’m terrified of seeing more than 1 person! The dumpster quote made me cry with laughter! I feel much of what you’ve written and it’s good to know that others feel the same. Thanks for organising this blog challenge, I wouldn’t have started mine back up if it wasn’t for the challenge! Thanks 🙏🏻
It’s good to have you! And yes, I laughed loudly enough to startle the dogs when that meme popped up in my feed. :D
i could respond to so many things you wrote, but i’m going to narrow to one: brandi. that woman has moved me to tears and inspired me and brought me joy since i heard her for the very first time on an episode of “grey’s anatomy” and immediately bought her first album. her show are benaroya in seattle was the last thing i had tickets to before the world collapsed … and she had to cancel due to vocal chord issues. i watched her campfire songs and christmas singalong livestreams during lockdown, and got to pretend for a moment that i was back in the world. she is a goddess, a warrior, and she and the twins make the most incredible sounds i’ve ever heard. i need to catch the ryman concert before it goes away … thank you for the reminder!
Brandi. <3 The concert was EPIC! I hope you enjoy it.
sinning, snatching, screaming girl cats, and Mexico. Or Bali. For life my swamp witch. Love, your witch adjacent. <3 xx
Love!
I am so excited to be here blogging again even though I don’t know what I’m going to blog from one day or moment to the next.
I LOVE your blogs and all your feels. You are so inspirational Effy, thank you for the blogging month again.