I. I mentioned yesterday that I am playing catch up with Renee’s Full Bush Tour, and today’s topic covers some ways of really being in our lives. The prompt encourages us to notice and document our lives in a way that is already a fundamental part of my personal spiritual practice. If you’ve been with me for any length of time on Ye Olde Internets you’ll know that I engage in a practice I call “What Was Beautiful Today?” as a way to keep my spirits up even when things are hard. This is kind of like a gratitude practice but without the spiritual bypass that tends to come along with those kinds of trends. My habit of writing ten things (which always includes something that answers the question “What Was Beautiful Today?” even if I’m not explicitly asking the question) came out of my time with Isabel in her Writing Sanctuaries. Credit where credit is due, always. I believe in naming my lineage.
Since this is already a fundamental part of my life, I thought I’d just note that as part of my playing catch up and move on with my ten things.
II. Yesterday, I ordered in from Cora as a way to celebrate my seamlessly wonderful entry into April. A Western Skillet. A soft poached egg. Hollandaise sauce. Sausages. Cretons. Sometimes self-loyalty looks like shoving a heart attack on a plate into my face. #lowfive
III. All of the astrology upcoming for me personally on this next new moon is about partnerships and relationships and commitment and I am *balking*. Absolutely *balking*. I am straddling being ready to love and being completely unwilling to put myself in a position where I have to make space for anyone that doesn’t have four feet and fur. This song is playing on repeat in my head. So is this one.
I met someone on POF last week who lied to me right out of the gate, and it was so annoying. I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t surprised. I was just all eye rolls and what the fucks and “do not contact me agains” because lying to me is a dealbreaker. This is just more proof of my readiness to graduate out of therapy. What I would tolerate last year at this time (ahem – what I *did* tolerate) is now a total non-starter. Lie, and boom. You’re gone.
I’ve also stepped away from friendships that make me feel like shit, demand too much of my emotional bandwidth without adding anything to the “mana bar” that I can clearly visualize on my forhead – a bar that needs to be glowing with the blue light that indicates a sense of reciprocity and flow in my encounters. If that bar regularly blinks red in the presence of another, I remove myself. Because this is my one wild and precious life and I am in the last quarter to half of it and I am not spending it on encounters that drain me.
Does that make me selfish? Fine. Let me be selfish.
…I’m side-eyeing all this “relationship” and “partnership” stuff that’s coming up for me (New Moon in Aries is in my 7th house, in case you want the data) and I’m going to work it like so:
I am willing to be open to all the ways love comes into my life. All the ways. The four-foots and friendships. The collaborations. If some boot-wearing kilted Viking with good intentions and the ability to throw down and show up shows up on my doorstep, well, I won’t say no, but in the meantime, I’m taking a page out of Renee’s book and declaring “I’m not single. I’m building an empire.”
IV. I am in the market for a new laptop for GG, so I’m doing my research but in the meantime, I’ve sent my gaming laptop with Kimi to drop off to him to tide him over. This means we will be able to play WoW very shortly. I am very excite.
V. Someone I follow on Facebook talked about being told by a friend that they were no longer going to hang out with one of their mutuals because they didn’t like the way that person did their friend harm, and I realized that I, too, have those kinds of friends. I also realized that I *am* that kind of friend. If you do my friend harm, I don’t care how much I love you. I will get your side of the story, sure, but if your side of the story includes abusing my friend, you’re fucking gone. Because self-loyalty *must include* loyalty to others. It must.
VI. One of my friends has been very badly treated by a mutual, and I cut that mutual out because they wanted me to affirm and validate their right to do that harm, and I am not having it. It also turned out that the mana bar litmus test was blinking all kinds of volcanic red, so while it was a difficult moment, it was not a difficult decision. My life gets ever calmer and less fraught with other people’s shit, and yo. I am *not lonely*. I have excellent, fertile, fulfilling connections, and the more space I make for them the more they bloom.
VII. Creating voids can be frightening because we are not sure what to do with the empty space. When we prune a fruit tree, for example, it can look like death. All those branches littering the ground at our feet. All that emptiness, that seeming barrenness. But if you don’t prune the thing, it will die, and when you do prune, the thing bursts into life in its own time.
Space might seem empty, but it is actually absolutely bursting to fullness with possibility. Make space. See what flows in to fill it.
VIII. I dusted off the novel I was writing in 2018/2019 and it has good bones. I’m starting a fantasy writing workshop on April 12th to get some guidance on how to move forward. I reinstalled Scrivener. I am encouraged by a recent reading with Chris Zydel to think about finally writing that f-ing book I keep planning to write.
IX. I regret nothing.
X. I forgive myself for everything.
I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook Group.