I. I have reached the age where I hurt myself IN MY SLEEP and have no idea wtf happened. I woke up at 2 in the morning with my right lower back *on fire* and was terrified for a little while there that I had a kidney infection or stone (I’ve had a kidney infection before). Drank some water, went to make sure I wasn’t peeing blood. Moved and stretched to see if it was constant pain or if it eased with positional changes. It did ease – not all the way, but quite a bit so I put myself back to bed with a Robax muscle relaxer on board + my heating pad.

II. Woke up miserable about fifty times before finally crawling (with a whimper) out of bed to meet Sal for coffee over Zoom. Slathered myself in Kimi’s “Venom” which is an analgesic massage oil – very effective and smells delicious – and took two more muscle relaxers. Moved my body in all the ways the pain would let me. Decided that it is, indeed, mechanical low back pain. Feels like I have a charley horse. WHINE. DO NOT WANT.

III. The Robax kicked in while I was having coffee with Renee, and I am much relieved but still putting myself to bed with the heating pad for the duration. If I can move without whimpering in a little while, I’ll throw myself in some hot water and Epsom salts and hope for the best. I also ordered a massive jug of cranberry juice *just in case* but like I said, the pain shifts when I shift, so it is unlikely to be an infection, which would be constant, right?

IV. The last thing I want is to go to the ER in the middle of a pandemic, so wish me luck.

V. I painted this ahead of New Moon in Aries because it will be in my seventh house. It took a long time for this piece to gel because I was offering layer after layer after layer at the thing in a palette I don’t generally work with, but whoa. Do I ever love the finished piece!

It went up for my art witches this morning.

VI. I found season three of New Amsterdam on iTunes, so I bought it and I’m going to dole it out episode by episode for Kimi and me. It’s only fair since she’s the one that got me hooked, so I owe her a debt of gratitude.

VII. I spoke to a friend about a thing that happened recently and like everyone else that I’ve told, she reacted with such disbelief and disgust that I felt intensely validated and seen. I am so grateful for this shift that I’ve experienced where if I feel repulsed, disgusted, or outraged by a person’s shit behaviour rather than hurt and self-doubting.

Yes, sometimes I need to get some feedback, as in “Am I overreacting?” but that’s a far cry from spending years wondering if I’m the toxic one when, in fact, I am the sane one in a toxic environment.

What this person did really is outrageous, and impacted several people who are very dear to me. But. I’m not even going to address it with them because what’s the point? There’s no point. The thing was done. It’s fucking gross. I’m tending to my people and myself as best I can. I had a moment of cognitive dissonance, but then I took a breath, got the receipts I needed to get in order to have proof of what I know to be true, did a massive eye roll and got on with my life.

Today, I am grateful that, with the exception of a few necessary and unavoidable interactions here and there, I can have a life that doesn’t include them at all.

VIII. Fuck that fucking dumpster fire. 

IX. Despite the agonizing lower back pain and the way it has pretty much hobbled me today, I am in a good headspace. I ate a massive Greek salad. It was the size of my head. I worked on a prototype for a lesson I want to teach at some point and realized that I need to go figure out how to draw a fedora on a crow, because that’s a thing that needs to happen, so now I have a project. I had coffee with three beloveds. I posted Journal52 and got a lesson up for Moonshine in plenty of time for the New Moon. My house is clean. I have a galaxy light in my studio now. I have Kimi to look forward to. GG got his Vimeo account set up so he can help me with Journal Jams + his meds are working + he’s doing all the adulty things he needs to go to get his proverbial poop in a pile. The sun is trying to come out. It’s warm outside, even if it has been drizzling for two days. My dogs are content because they have lamb shank bones to maul. Sybil has a window ledge to watch the world from. Robax + Kimi’s Venom is helping with the pain. I have a pot of something rustic in the fridge to portion out and freeze except for the portion I plan to have for dinner. My youngest son called me last night to make some attempts at repairing a rupture. There is such a thing as jumbo garlic stuffed olives in the world. I am officially in menopause (it’s been a year as of this week according to my Facebook memories). I have chardonnay to swill and my Sodastream is all fired up so I can cut it with fizzy water without feeling like I’m raping the planet. I have a new storage solution for my studio which Kimi and I will wrangle at some point in the near future. There is a river just down the street *waves that way*. The hibiscus by my front door is exploding with buds, and so is my maple tree. I have air conditioning. My plants are still alive. There are Spotify playlists. I am loved. All is well.

X. I am loved. All is well.

Also, me and GG for tax if you read this far.

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