I. It is astonishing how easily I forget that pain – especially pain in the lower torso area of my body – is a huge trauma trigger for me. I remembered last night, but not until after I got whipped up into a frenzy of abandonment depression. It doesn’t come up often anymore but *I am a sexual abuse survivour* and that does still live in my body and even though I’m on the other side of the really gnarly part of recovery from C-PTSD, I can still be badly triggered.
II. Thankfully, there are people I can talk to who respect that I can’t vocalize when I’m triggered, so they let me text. There are people who know my whole story so I don’t have to go into a whole lot of detail. There are people who listen and love on me when I’m in the darkest depths.
And also Korean Fried Chicken is a thing that exists. With lightly breaded fries. And honey garlic sauce.
The night savaged me, yes, but then I salvaged the night, and even though I’m still in pain this morning, I am not holding my guts in anymore.
III. I think it might be an ovarian cyst, since memories about having one when I was fourteen flooded me last night. That time, my mother and step-father thought I had an ectopic pregnancy and brought me to the ER. It was very traumatic because I was *not* sexually active and there was *no way* I could be pregnant, but they *would not believe me*. The ER doc was very sympathetic, though, and gave me an ultrasound so he could shut my parents up.
Anyway, it’s the same kind of pain. Very localized in the lower right. Lots of bloating. If it keeps up much longer, I will go to the ER, which *terrifies me*.
Sigh.
IV. My ex is moving out of the country. He didn’t tell me this, of course – he told GG, who told me last night. This wouldn’t matter to me except that he’s pressuring GG to find a new place and move before he leaves in June. I respect his desire to move – he can do what he wants – but I’m having all kinds of feels about the fact that he agreed to step in with GG’s care and now he’s leaving him before GG has time to catch his breath after the hospitalization.
One of the most stressful things a person can do is move. Now imagine moving after a serious psychotic break while you are still feeling a little bit sketched out. While your moms is in another city and can’t travel to help because there is a pandemic.
Fuck.
V. I am typing this out because I was holding it in my body and I need to stop doing that. I need to stop listening to the voice in my head that sounds suspiciously like my mother’s voice – the one that says “Don’t air your dirty laundry”.
Fuck that noise.
*Hangs it all out on the line so the light can get at it*.
VI. Today will be better. I have a live with my witches. Kimi is coming over for LLMJ, and then we’re going to watch The Stand. I’m going to have a hot soak. I’m going to feed myself. I’m going to give myself the love and care I deserve.
VII. Also, WoW at some point I think because it is good to slip the bonds of this world for a while and enter another, less complicated one. Running around killing things feels like just what the doctor ordered.
VIII. Those of you who quietly and sweetly helped with GG’s laptop upgrade will be happy to know that’s been accomplished. Thank you. You know who you are.
IX. Those of you who made space for me over the course of this week re: the dumpster fire that is having to have contact with someone who is just fucking terrible for my nervous system – thank you x a million. You really helped me get through it.
X. Today, I am the storm.
I had an ovarian cyst when I was 12 that burst. And when I felt that pain again in my 30s there was no proof of a cyst but I would bet you money that’s what it was. I know that pain in my body. The difference in my experience is that when the doctor asked if I could be pregnant at 12 my mom looked at him askance.
Ahh, sweetie, I am so sorry about that pain, it is no joke.
I lived the cystic life until a couple years ago {hysterectomy because of cancer cells}.
There’s nothing I can tell you to ease your pain, when you’ve lived with it as long as you have, you know all the tricks to ease it.
We’ll need to keep GG in prayers, you’re right, moving is stressful just in it’s own right, let alone while trying to rebuild and gather strength.
Tend yourself and allow your tribe to tend you through this.
Much love <3
I love you. I am a good listener. <3
Ovarian cysts – I’ve had more than a few. They liven up any Friday night. I hope you feel better but if you go to the ER, we’re all there with you in spirit. 💗
I’m so sorry you’re in pain, and that it’s a major trigger. Taking care of yourself sounds like the right idea. You wrote “F*ck that noise * you don’t know how much that sentence has helped me today. It’s like a life raft. Thank you!
That sentence is so applicable to so many things lately. <3 I'm glad you found it useful!
I meant to add I hope you’re feeling better soon!
Thank you! Xo
Ugh – that pain is no joke. Hoping it eases. Sending love to GG as he navigates another move.
Thanks, love! <3
ooph thats alot. Ugh for your ex. Live and LLMJ and the stand…..yesss.
I hope its not a cyst, just you dont’ have to deal with emerg.
Thank you for Saturday. <3 It was awesome.
Yuck to the pain. I’ve had and have ovarian cysts. They are painful buggers. Whatever is the cause of your pain, I hope you get better soon. Hugs to you and GG.
They suuuuuuuck so bad.
“You are the trailer park. I am the tornado.” Beth Dutton
Tearing things up in the best way and in all ways. Love you. ♥️
Yesssssss. <3
Hope the pain has eased, hope you are feeling better,hope for everything good to happen to you and yours
Thanks, Elle! <3
Sending lots of love to you and GG. Just wow… sending out thoughts of best and smoothest path.
Thank you, love. <3
I hope you are better today. I have daily back pain due to a really bad car accident in the late 1990s. Back pain is the worst. I hate the admonishment of not airing dirty laundry. It’s like Anne Lamott says, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
I seem to be mending but sooooo slowly.
Ovarian cysts are horrible…had one that actually ruptured an ovary…endometrial cyst, they said…had no more trouble after they removed that ovary … it’s crazy how many people have these and have horrid pain with them. My mother did as well and I am sure my one granddaughter has one…her symptoms sure sound like it.
Oooof. That’s horrible! I’m glad you no longer have to deal with that!