I. Yesterday, I tossed two wet teabags into the paper bag I had sitting on my kitchen table – the one that was holding all the little bits and bobs of garbage I was tossing into it as I went about the business of clawing my kitchen back from the chaos that happens when I am not feeling well. Then, when I was finished filling it and lifted it to transfer it into a proper receptacle, the bottom broke. Garbage everywhere.
When I pressed the coffee, it exploded all over me & the counter & the floor that I had JUST CLEANED BECAUSE GARBAGE EXPLOSION.
When I was cleaning up the floor, I smashed my head on the underside of the counter.
All of this happened as I was listening to the news from the night before – news about vaccine delays and other fuckery.
And then I started laughing, because what else are you going to do?
II. The day did get better. I forced myself to go to bed with the furfaces who decided to attach themselves to my body for the duration of the day/night. There was one point at which I’d had enough of all the body heat they were generating and said “C’mon, y’all! Give me some personal space!” I got up to refill my glass, and when I returned to my spot, they just glomped right back on me in exactly the same position they were before – Sybil in my lap, Salem at my knee, and Sookie along my left thigh.
I don’t know if they needed me or if I needed them, but whatever. I settled in and picked up what they were putting down, which was “Rest, mama. Be still. Breathe.”
III. This happened:
I laughed so much over this, y’all. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t catch my breath.
Only in Canada.
IV. Today I will throw a riot of colour at a 9 x 12 piece of watercolour paper, but not until I’ve had coffee with Renee, eaten something (eggs and toast with some beans and sliced tomatoes, I think), and washed my brushes. I have a thing that’s late because of the back pain & the total refusal to push myself beyond my own limits. I’ll make up for it today, and now that I’ve wrapped my head around what I want to do, I’m really looking forward to it.
V. April in Canada. It was super warm for a couple of days there, and now there’s a chance of snow today and tomorrow. I turned the AC off and the heat back on. We tend to get two false springs before the real thing comes on here in Southwestern Ontario, so I’m used to it, but it does feel a little like mother nature is teasing me.
VI. I found out yesterday that the fantasy fiction writing thing I’m doing *does* have replays available so that’ll be a project for this weekend once I get the work stuff squared away.
VII. I’m really reaching today because *waves at all the sameness* but that’s ok. Ticking “blog” off my list will feel good since it is a commitment I’ve made to myself and sometimes self-loyalty looks like slogging through a thing because you’ve made a commitment to yourself.
VIII. Subtext. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. If I have to guess what’s going on, well, I just won’t anymore. I no longer pursue understanding. I figure if I’m not being told, it’s none of my business. I’ll take what’s offered freely and full-throatedly while I offer the same. I don’t want to have to puzzle out my connections. I don’t want to have to read between the lines.
I feel like sometimes people set you up to do this because they want to feel like they matter. I get that, but it’s too much to ask right now, you know? Do you want to be in my life? Awesome. If you need me to come in after you and beg you to stay, I’m not your huckleberry. The 2020s have taken any desire for anything that isn’t easily and rightfully mine right out of me.
If I have to fight for it, I’m not interested. I’m too tired.
This is new. I like it.
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