I. I’m not feeling the hottest today because I went over the “microdose” line into a “minidose” of Golden Teacher during a moon in moonchild and got sideswiped by all my feels. All of them. All at once. Airy sat with me over text sending me songs for hours, and then GG had me hop on Discord where he played DJ. Airy joined us and they kept me anchored to the planet until midnight or so when I finally felt like I could face the insides of my eyeballs without shooting off into outer space.
Today is very mellow and sheepish as a result, so if you are expecting anything at all from me today, I am decidedly NOT your huckleberry.
II. I miss my daughter, who is not speaking to me for reasons she has not gone into. Adult children. Sheesh. Am I right? Thankfully, the other ones are kind and present and allow me to be human, so that takes some of the sting out of it, but not all of the sting, and I am, frankly, tired of feeling stung. I also miss my sister, my fest family, Anthony Bourdain, live music, and my muppet, who better come visit me when the border opens or I am going to have a fucking tantrum.
III. I ended a friendship a few weeks ago because it came up in therapy after a week of obsessing over why i was feeling the way I was feeling about it and as I was recounting what all had gone down with this person since very early on in the pandemic, I realized that I did not want her anywhere near me anymore. I didn’t want her having access to me or my emotions. I didn’t want her projections or her borderline “come here, go away” behaviour. I didn’t want to see her in my feed. I didn’t want her in my inbox. I didn’t want her *anywhere near me*.
My therapist was relieved to hear this because my therapist has *never* liked this person for me. Never. She has always gotten that look on her face when I’ve shared stories about how this person has responded to me, and even though she would never outright tell me what to do, she has made it abundantly clear that I deserve better in a friendship.
It took a year, but I finally listened.
I have a pretty good idea of why this person is not good for me but I also realized (and this is huge) that I didn’t *have* to understand why I wanted to end it. I just had to honour that feeling and get it done.
When you know you know, and I knew.
IV. Kimi is off to New Brunswick for at least a week due to a family emergency and I miss her already.
V. Thank god for zooms with Renee and the art winos and the art witches.
VI. I am waiting on a massive burrito bowl with baked sweet potato. I don’t know what’s up with me but I’ve gone off meat for the most part. Once a week, maybe, I’ll have a little, but I want crisp salads and veggies of all kinds, and watermelon spears and cheese and pickles. Maybe it’s a new summer thing for me, or maybe that’s just what my body wants right now. Either way, I’m enjoying it.
VII. I get four witch box subscriptions delivered to me every month because I love having a bunch of things to pick and choose from to keep or gift. Also I deserve to have presents delivered to my door. Witch boxes are fun because they inspire me to think about my spiritual life, and also because I like witchy clutter. It’s a whole aesthetic for me to have witchy things hanging out on every available surface. I’m expecting to take delivery on one today, I think. I’m very excited.
VIII. I still miss 42, and I am not sure if that’s ever going to go away. It didn’t help that he kept showing up in my “suggested accounts to follow” on TikTok, where I spend a lot of my time. This morning, I blocked him so that won’t happen again, and that was a wise but painful decision. Why is the wise decision always the painful one?
Adulthood. Am I right? Sheesh.
Anyway, it’s definitely not as searingly painful as it once was, but I have so many unanswered questions. When did he know? How long did he lead me on for? What was he waiting for? Why did I feel like I was being cheated on? Lied to? What the fuck actually happened?
And fuck all that twin flame shit for keeping me in it for much longer than was good for me and fuck anyone who shills that shit because it is harmful garbage.
Anyway. That’s enough of that. It’s been almost a year, ffs. I know grief doesn’t have a timeline but I would like to have a day when I do not think about him. I would like to have a day that isn’t shot through with grief.
IX. Maybe I’m just the kind of person that needs to get under someone new before I can get over someone. I don’t like that possibility but if that’s the way it is, then that’s the way it is. Maybe what I need is to be swept off my feet and loved the way I deserve to be loved before I can heal. Or maybe I need to have a hot girl summer and throw my body and sensuality around like the world is ending. I dunno.
X. If I’m being honest, I’d like to be swept off my feet again, but for the last time. I don’t think I’m quite ready for that, but I think I’m heading in that direction. I have not been able to consider someone else without there being a terrible sense of wrongness about it because the only eyes I have wanted on my face are his. The only hands I have wanted on my body are his. The only voice I want to greet me in the morning is his.
Butandalso having all of that came with a lot of disappointment and mistrust, so, yanno.
Why does love always have to be so complicated and do we ever grow out of longing for it despite the way it always seems to knock us for a loop?
Therapy this coming Thursday after a break due to scheduling conflicts.