I. I sent out a newsletter today – more like a love letter – in which I extolled the virtues of puttering and shared my newfound love of putting gold stars on the back cover of my journal when I complete tasks. You can read it here if you want. I’ll wait.
Within mere moments, I started getting emails from my lovely subscribers thanking me for sharing & reporting that they are going to go buy some gold stars because they love this idea. Some shared some sadness over how little appreciation or acknowledgement they grew up getting. Some shared that they are currently struggling and that this idea sounds motivating.
My heart!
II. I know it doesn’t look like much, but this little page of gold stars represents every moment that I overcame executive dysfunction, depression, anxiety, trauma, the consequences of narcissistic abuse syndrome…
These little stars are victories that range from making a difficult phone call to filling out a crucial form to doing my dishes to ordering dog food to feeding myself before noon to launching an e-course to scribbling the realness that is in my journal.
Victories.
III. The thing I really want to share with you, though, is that after I finished writing that little blurb about puttering and how it helps me and gold stars and how they help me, I had a moment of hesitation. I thought to myself “No one cares about this stuff. You aren’t doing yourself any favours by sharing this. People are going to think you’re silly/childish/unwell. You are taking up too much space in other people’s inboxes. NO ONE CARES EFFY. WHY SHOULD THEY?”
And my finger hovered over the edit button for longer than I’d like to admit before I shrugged, gave myself a little internal hug, and hit send. I put another gold star in my journal right away. Because, victory.
IV. I also got some feedback yesterday about this paragraph from this blog post:
I was talking to a peer last night about how hard it is to be an entrepreneur and feel like you have to be positive all the time and “keep up appearances” in order to succeed. It’s such bullshit. So alienating. Life is a mixed bag of delight and despair and I’m too tired to lie.
I heard from more than a few people that they resonate with this and they are as tired as I am of living in a world where we all have to be shiny happy people all the time.
I am not a shiny happy person all the time. My choice is to stop sharing when I’m less than shiny, fake shininess so I feel comfortable being in the world, or being honest about the world as it is for me and share anyway and let those that want me, stay and those that don’t, leave.
I choose the latter.
V. I woke up this morning to find this awesome writing on my timeline. Andrea and I share a lot of the same concerns about online marketing and entrepreneurship, justice, and cultural misappropriation, so I always listen when she speaks. This blog post on spiritual bypassing was just what the doctor ordered.
VI. What if we just showed up in our realness? The thing we are taught to fear is that everyone will leave us. No one will buy our stuff. We will end up homeless. We will be labeled negative nellies or worse. But I’ve been doing this for over ten years now in a variety of venues, and while I do not have the quantity others may have to show it, I have the quality. People who just want me to shut up and talk about paint don’t stick around for long, but those that appreciate feeling like their own realness is welcomed, do.
And I live for that, even if it sometimes makes me wonder if I’d be a millionaire by now if I just shut my fucking mouth about how hard things are sometimes.
Being real? A million dollars?
I’d rather be real.
VII. Speaking of real, this is what one corner of the studio looks like right now.
And this is what one corner of my living room looks like right now:
And this is my life. Some of it is a mess. Some of it is sanctuary. All of it is useful and all of it matters.
VIII. I know I’m not alone in this, but I was not allowed to have needs when I was a child. If I needed attention (as all children do) I was attention-seeking. If I needed comfort, I was needy. If I was sad, I was dramatic. If I was angry, I was defiant. Having feelings was very dangerous and often resulted in abuse, but I never learned the knack of not having feelings. I don’t know why. I know a lot of people raised in the situation I was raised hardened. I didn’t harden. I got better boundaries – especially over the last few years of intense therapy, but I didn’t harden. I stayed open. I stayed sensitive. I stayed emotional. I *stayed with myself*.
Through betrayal, abandonment, rejection, apathy, I stayed with myself.
As as I stayed with myself I noticed who stayed alongside me. And I noticed who didn’t. And (eventually) I stopped chasing the ones who didn’t. I turned to face the ones who stayed and they are my chosen family and I know they’ve got me and I’ve got them. In their eyes I am not “too much” of anything. I am just the right amount of everything. A lot, yes. But never too much.
IX. If someone decides that you are “too much”, let them go find someone lesser because they are *not enough* for you.
X. I want you to stay with yourself. Come sit by me. Let’s stay with one another.
I need someone to stay. I will if you will.
You can bet on it. <3
The best part of your stuff – your writing, your classes, your art is the authenticity. I’m honored you are willing to share it with us.
Thank you for validating that. <3 I appreciate it so much!
Your words spoke to my heart, Thank you!
Thank your heart from me for listening. <3
I absolutely love your realness and it’s the thing that has drawn me to your art out of all the lifebook taster sessions, thank you for sharing it helps me realise I’m not alone with my thoughts and feelings too.
Thank you so much for letting me know. <3 I'm so glad you love the taster sessions! I work really hard on those!
I love that you’re real, it makes it easy for me to be real, too. Very few people see all of me because I’m not comfortable sharing everything I am. In Moonshine, I can be every bit of myself. I can’t even begin to explain the comfort, love, gentleness, and peace knowing that brings me. Thank you for being you and sharing yourself with us. It means the world to me! Love you!
Moonshine is so special for that very reason. <3 Love you!
I want real and authentic, not shiny fluffy bunny stuff.
You’re the real deal. I love your real-ness!! ❤❤❤
I learned young to be “invisible” to be “seen but not heard”.
As an adult I was told I was “high maintenance” for having needs
or “being overly dramatic”. I’m currently wading through the muck of all that crap.
Keep on keeping it real, xx
I would like to stay and sit with you if I may. Your realness encourages me to keep doing what I’m doing. It also reminds me when I’ve been hiding and when it’s time to re-energe into life. Thankyou
Always, Lee. <3
That crap is mucky. <3 I'm with you on that wade :)
You. For life. <3
You. x
May I sit with you? <3
Always. xo
That you share the mess is how I feel space with you – because you are real. Thank you for being real.
In front of my in my office are my Mary statues, my pens and pencils, a tiny T-Rex and more goodness that brings me joy. Behind me?
It is such an utter mess that it feels like it is encroaching on me, hovering over my shoulder, threatening me with the stuckness that I get from too much mess. But it’s that way because I’ve been reorganizing my space and if I can just keep the ADHD gremlins at bay long enough to finish putting everything away in its new home then I’ll be golden and have a space of peace and inspiration and function. Crossing my fingers I beat the gremlins to the finish line.
I know this feeling so well! The little corners that are comforting and then the others that feel like they might be stalking me. Very much like our lives, eh? <3
if everyone were real all the time, there would be so much less nasty drama in life! Reality may not always be pretty but it is truth. My 4th grade teacher gave Gold stars, silver, red, and had a wall with everyone’s names and the stars. She was an amazing teacher, and at the time I didn’t appreciate how good she really was. But she knew about gold stars!!
Encouraging teachers are LIFE. <3
“As as I stayed with myself I noticed who stayed alongside me. And I noticed who didn’t. And (eventually) I stopped chasing the ones who didn’t. I turned to face the ones who stayed and they are my chosen family and I know they’ve got me and I’ve got them. In their eyes I am not “too much” of anything. I am just the right amount of everything. A lot, yes. But never too much.” This could be an exact duplicate of a paragraph I wrote 3 years ago about myself. Thank you for being real! Priceless!!!
Thank you. <3
you are beautifull the way you are. my parents were monsters and I thought and still think i turn people into monsters but my psychologist told me this week that this is not the case because it was not my responsibility (or is) how people exist or respond, Maybe one day I will understand the meaning of those words ….
Ooof. Yup, that’s a big one. I, too, struggled for.a long time with the “they were like that because of me somehow” thing for a long time. I don’t so much anymore. They were/are like that because *of them*. And I am like me because *of me*.
yes, it’s a hard one and big one …. It feels good to know that there are people who can understand what I mean. when I read your piece ‘stay’ and read why you give yourself ‘stars’, I thought: she ‘is’ like me, she has the same ‘pitfalls’ . I think the main thing is that we have to learn to love ourselves and accept ourselves as we are. my father was an ‘artist’ …. it is very difficult for me to experience that I have his genes in that area. it often scares me because I don’t want to ‘look like’ him. but being artistic is the only way to express my feelings. it’s often a battle within myself…
VIII. <—— This.
Yes. <3
I understand narcissistic abuse all too well. Just wanted to say that because I’m excited when I hear someone else gets it. I’m not happy they went through it of course, just happy at the revalidation that I am not alone and that it is a lifetime recovery involving acknowledgement, affirmation and positive self-talk. And creating. And understanding that not all parents know how to love their children unconditionally, but that brokenness had nothing to do with us and we are not doomed to repeat the cycle. I’m coming up on 4 years of no contact and it was the best decision I ever made. I’ve never met you but I’m with you!
No contact is *amazing*. I’ve got a few people in my life I’m NC with, and a few in my life who’ve got NC with a few off theirs and we’re all so much better off for it.
Effy, you write to my heart and art in my heart you can please sit with me any time!
*Pats spot beside her*. :)
“IX. If someone decides that you are “too much”, let them go find someone lesser because they are *not enough* for you. ” Amen, sister!
I started crying while reading this. Just knowing that we weren’t alone. You make a difference in my life, more than you will ever know. Thank you!
Effy this is truly a fantastic piece of what? Writing, philosophy, ideas, commentary. It was fantastic and just the thing I needed. I continue to have a really hard cancer journey. Horrendous. Left with nothing, husband didn’t want to spend money on my treatment, moved as a gypsy with my two young sons etc etc nearly went blind, still terrible sight. But can see. No house to live in, no livelihood, disability pensioner. It totally sux. AND all those things you mentioned about growing up. WERE YOU IN MY HOUSE OR WHAT? My father was a spy. Had been in WW!! and was the most brutal mean non-understanding man. I don’t know what narcisstic abuse is, but if it derives from a self-centred person I had it
I can count on you being real, Effy, and it encourages me to be real too. I love your gold stars story ( just watched the Moonshine live replay this week too where you mention it) and it reminds me that one of our teachers gave out stars and I was so motivated by them. Time to start that habit again I think. I’m thrilled that you gave yourself a gold star for moving beyond that hesitation of sharing. Thank you for being you and for sharing yourself so authentically. You have no idea how much I learn from you and examine myself and my own life because of you. Also I’m in Gladdened Gluebooks II and those tags made my heart sing! <3
Ever since coming across you 7 years ago during a very difficult time in my life…I stay. Your realness is what we need more of in this world. You’ve been such wonderful therapy for me! xoxo
I was just now able to see this! It took forever to be admitted in and I was panicking. What I have just read I thought I was reading about me! That is and always has been my life! Can I stay and sit with you?
You’re so special and your calling is healing with art. It has always been such. I’ve been blessed to know you since I found Voice on xanga 20 years ago, writing poetry to her pain. You helped me open my heart and mind and start my healing.
I can’t imagine leaving.
You are just enough, and you are worthy. I will sit by you Effy, whether you need me to or not, I am here.
everybody cares. !!!