It’s been a while since I last stopped in here to let my thoughts spill from my fingertips. I’m guessing I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed by everything that’s been happening globally, which has been compounded by stuff that’s been happening personally. The only way to get it down for the sake of posterity is to do a purse dump.
- Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.
- Someone I had a complicated relationship with died before we could get any kind of closure.
- I got (and survived) COVID and I’m still experiencing bone-deep fatigue and brain fog more than a month later.
- COVID set me back in my ability to keep up, so I feel like I’m perpetually in the weeds
- The JD v. AH trial was televised and I was completely sucked in.
- Monkeypox.
- More mass shootings than I can keep track of in the U.S.
- Chinese fighter jets are buzzing the Canadian air force, which is terrifying.
- COVID isn’t actually over but we’re all acting like it is.
- Watching the news feels like reading a dystopian novel.
- A storm here in Ontario killed nine people and there are still folks without power as a result (it’s been weeks).
- We had our first “heat event” last week and I don’t have AC.
On The Other Hand
- I discovered that tinted glasses help enormously with the light sensitivity caused by my cataracts, so I bought some. They’re rose coloured.
- I was invited to do a couple of collab things that I’m super excited about. This one is especially juicy. I’ll be sharing about the other ones soon!
- Even though I’m in the weeds and behind on everything (thanks, COVID), I am somehow still managing to put out the content that’s due.
- I’ve been really loving the art I’m making. I’ve been pretty good about sharing on Instagram, so if you’re so inclined, please follow me there.
- I completed my last pottery class and now have a membership at the studio, which means I can make pots whenever I like.
- I’ve been meeting new people and having social nights on patios.
- Sarah Trumpp came up from the states to see me!
- Fest is happening for the first time since 2019, and I’m going.
I think this about covers it, though I have other stressors I haven’t mentioned – all due to a definite deficit in self-care and a nasty case of executive dysfunction. Health stuff. Money stuff. The usual human stuff. Reports have been coming out about how COVID has caused a lot of us to come down with P-TSD. Given that I already have C-PTSD, welp. Need I say more? When last we typed, I told you that I feel fragile like a bomb. I’m less bomb-like now (too tired for bomb-like, I think), but I’m still fragile. I feel like the whole world is fragile, to be honest. I feel like we’re all hanging by our fingernails from a cliff and we might fall at any second.
Butandalso
Summer is nigh. Leonard the squirrel has been around. I was visited by a pair of ducks on Beltaine eve as I sat on my front stoop, and it was an enchanted moment. I *survived* COVID – something I was terrified would kill me, and from what I understand, I’ve got some natural immunity for at least a little while as a result. Monkeypox is hard to catch and apparently doesn’t kill most of the people that get it. I’m still managing to paint regularly. I am a potter now, even if I’m not a very good one. My kids are all okay and doing well in their lives despite *waves at all of this*. I am no longer in a constant state of grief or longing (thank the gods). I have moments of contentment. I love my little nest and how local it is to every place I go on a regular basis. Instacart is a thing. Pink Grapefruit Perrier is a thing. Fruit and cheese and bread are a thing.
Now is okay. Right now. This moment. I’m okay. I’m not quite sure how to move forward in times like these when things feel so fraught and fragile and way outside of my circle of influence, but I *do* know that I’m moving onward. Onward from grief. Onward from wondering why. Onward from 2020. Onward from 2021. Onward from paralysis. Onward from executive dysfunction. Onward from spinning on the hamster wheel of desire. Onward from isolation. Onward from worrying about what comes next.
What comes next is whatever comes next.
Meanwhile, now is okay. Right now. This moment. I’m okay.
***
I am dusting the blog off in the hopes that I’ll return to my practice of spilling my thoughts through my fingers on a regular basis. It grounds me. It keeps me accountable to myself to do the things I know are good for me. It gives me a place to document my life, which sends a message to all my parts that my life matters enough to document. It gives me a quieter place than social media to sit with my thoughts and feelings. I am also hoping that writing more regularly will help with the brain fog (which has been brutal, y’all!). No matter what, though, it feels good, and I don’t know about you but I need more of what feels good.
I might go back to writing ten things as a way to ease back in. I’ll let you know.
Me and my rose-coloured glasses say hi.
I’ll see you soon.
xo
Effy
I love your rose-colored glasses, you are lookin’ good! All the things also has me overwhelmed, and by reading your post it was heartening to know that I am not alone in the aloneness that I feel. Thank you for writing and giving me that. Keep on keepin’ on, and I’ll do the same, when all the things + executive dysfunction don’t get in the way. :)
We’ve got this. <3
I’m sure glad you’re posting again. I feel the fragile state of being. Girl, I know brain fog and I’m sorry you’re having that. Mine is disease related, not covid… cause doesn’t matter, it sure does mess with you though. Like looking through a hazy bubble and not the good kind. As always, encouraging and relatable. Hold tight and swing sister.
“Looking through a hazy bubble” – yes. I’ve never made so many typos or errors in creating content in my life! What a struggle.<3
Not to even mention, the thought derailment, or sentences where you can think of the word, even though you know what it is.
I LOVE your rose-colored glasses, Effy. You look so beautiful! I got sucked into the J&A trial too. I couldn’t get up off the couch and do much else, so drawn in was I. I loved Johnny’s demeanor on the stand and his little wisecracks. Who wouldn’t like to say Rottenborn? Awful name for a lawyer, I think. Or it could be rather brilliant if you’re a highly skilled lawyer. Would be a perfect name for a movie lawyer to have. I also got a peak inside Johnny’s life and story and I connected with it. Glad that he got the outcome he wanted. I don’t condone domestic violence as I was once a victim, but I really came to believe it was more Amber goading him on that caused problems. Off my soapbox. Have a great day, Effy!
As soon as I heard the leaked recordings I knew what I was hearing, but I suspended judgment until I could watch the trial. Watching her on the stand was triggering as fuck. :/ I’m glad it’s over and I’m glad we can put the “believe all women” nonsense behind us.
Love to you, and all of us, Effy ♥️♥️♥️
Right back at you and all. <3
Did I miss something or did Journal Jam get canceled? Maybe it’s part of your Patreon site!
Journal Jam is on hiatus for the summer and will return in the fall. xo
Totally loving the rose colored glasses vibe.
Love those rose coloured glasses!
Hi Effy, you look totally wonderful! Thank you for sharing and I know how you feel. I imagine many of us feel the same way for many reasons. As far as the heaviness in the world right now I find that I really need to stay away from the news. You are so correct about the way it is reading right now. My heart is with you Effy and it is wonderful that you are seeing the positive things too. Remember you are not alone – we are all with you.
Thank you for sharing your heart – the cataract thing – when possible – surgery is amazing – hubs went to 20/20 both eyes! Keep that when you are able on the radar. Prayers – keep your head up and your heart open. You are my hero!
LOVE the rose colored glasses Effy! I’m looking forward to more of your postings. I’ve missed them.
Hello, Effy – thank you for sharing! It reminds me that I’m not alone in feeling disjointed, off and upset with the state of the world right now. And feeling a bit helpless to do anything about it. Staying creative helps and staying close to friends helps as well. Online community helps too. So, once again, thank you for sharing and I hope you continue doing so. Your glasses are awesome!
Loving the glasses Effy! The rose color fits you!
Thanks for the post, for the sharing & support. We’re all on this ride together.
I used to sign my emails “Ever Onward”. LOL Maybe I should again.
XO
I love those glasses and need some for my sore peeps with so many problems thank you. What is C-PTSD. And seriously buzzing the Canadian air force please no.
C-PTSD is complex post-traumatic stress disordered. It can happen when one experiences multiple traumas over a period of time.
I got the glasses from Zenni, by the way!
Aren’t you so rosy looking and looking good! Happy for you!!