It’s been a while since I last stopped in here to let my thoughts spill from my fingertips. I’m guessing I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed by everything that’s been happening globally, which has been compounded by stuff that’s been happening personally. The only way to get it down for the sake of posterity is to do a purse dump.

  • Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.
  • Someone I had a complicated relationship with died before we could get any kind of closure.
  • I got (and survived) COVID and I’m still experiencing bone-deep fatigue and brain fog more than a month later.
  • COVID set me back in my ability to keep up, so I feel like I’m perpetually in the weeds
  • The JD v. AH trial was televised and I was completely sucked in.
  • Monkeypox.
  • More mass shootings than I can keep track of in the U.S.
  • Chinese fighter jets are buzzing the Canadian air force, which is terrifying.
  • COVID isn’t actually over but we’re all acting like it is.
  • Watching the news feels like reading a dystopian novel.
  • A storm here in Ontario killed nine people and there are still folks without power as a result (it’s been weeks).
  • We had our first “heat event” last week and I don’t have AC.
On The Other Hand
  • I discovered that tinted glasses help enormously with the light sensitivity caused by my cataracts, so I bought some. They’re rose coloured.
  • I was invited to do a couple of collab things that I’m super excited about. This one is especially juicy. I’ll be sharing about the other ones soon!
  • Even though I’m in the weeds and behind on everything (thanks, COVID), I am somehow still managing to put out the content that’s due.
  • I’ve been really loving the art I’m making. I’ve been pretty good about sharing on Instagram, so if you’re so inclined, please follow me there. 
  • I completed my last pottery class and now have a membership at the studio, which means I can make pots whenever I like.
  • I’ve been meeting new people and having social nights on patios.
  • Sarah Trumpp came up from the states to see me!
  • Fest is happening for the first time since 2019, and I’m going.

I think this about covers it, though I have other stressors I haven’t mentioned – all due to a definite deficit in self-care and a nasty case of executive dysfunction. Health stuff. Money stuff. The usual human stuff. Reports have been coming out about how COVID has caused a lot of us to come down with P-TSD. Given that I already have C-PTSD, welp. Need I say more? When last we typed, I told you that I feel fragile like a bomb. I’m less bomb-like now (too tired for bomb-like, I think), but I’m still fragile. I feel like the whole world is fragile, to be honest. I feel like we’re all hanging by our fingernails from a cliff and we might fall at any second.

Butandalso

Summer is nigh. Leonard the squirrel has been around. I was visited by a pair of ducks on Beltaine eve as I sat on my front stoop, and it was an enchanted moment. I *survived* COVID – something I was terrified would kill me, and from what I understand, I’ve got some natural immunity for at least a little while as a result. Monkeypox is hard to catch and apparently doesn’t kill most of the people that get it. I’m still managing to paint regularly. I am a potter now, even if I’m not a very good one. My kids are all okay and doing well in their lives despite *waves at all of this*. I am no longer in a constant state of grief or longing (thank the gods). I have moments of contentment. I love my little nest and how local it is to every place I go on a regular basis. Instacart is a thing. Pink Grapefruit Perrier is a thing. Fruit and cheese and bread are a thing.

Now is okay. Right now. This moment. I’m okay. I’m not quite sure how to move forward in times like these when things feel so fraught and fragile and way outside of my circle of influence, but I *do* know that I’m moving onward. Onward from grief. Onward from wondering why. Onward from 2020. Onward from 2021. Onward from paralysis. Onward from executive dysfunction. Onward from spinning on the hamster wheel of desire. Onward from isolation. Onward from worrying about what comes next.

What comes next is whatever comes next.

Meanwhile, now is okay. Right now. This moment. I’m okay.

***

I am dusting the blog off in the hopes that I’ll return to my practice of spilling my thoughts through my fingers on a regular basis. It grounds me. It keeps me accountable to myself to do the things I know are good for me. It gives me a place to document my life, which sends a message to all my parts that my life matters enough to document. It gives me a quieter place than social media to sit with my thoughts and feelings. I am also hoping that writing more regularly will help with the brain fog (which has been brutal, y’all!). No matter what, though, it feels good, and I don’t know about you but I need more of what feels good.

I might go back to writing ten things as a way to ease back in. I’ll let you know.

Me and my rose-coloured glasses say hi.

I’ll see you soon.

xo
Effy

 

 

 

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