by Effy | Feb 15, 2023 | blog
I don’t know who said the thing about “unaliving* your darlings” – but I do know it’s been advice given to new writers for an eon about how ruthless a writer must be when they edit, and while I agree with that (I’m also a writer), it doesn’t transfer well to mixed media art.
Because, look, this is where I left the painting you see above as we wrapped up
the latest PTTM:
It’s just okay, right? I mean. It’s cute, sure, and it’s what I had time for, but it wasn’t quite right and it didn’t make me *ridiculously* happy. That copper in the center doesn’t do anything for me all alone like that. The bee’s legs aren’t dark enough for my liking. The lettering is “meh”. The background is too samey samey.
It needed more, so after I finished my work for the day, I snatched it up and took a few deep breaths and asked it what it wanted, and that led me to image you see at the top of this post.
Turns out all it needed was a little love and attention, some lime green and more stenciling, and a word sticker to love it up so that I reached the nirvana that is best described as “OH YES, ARTGASM”.
So, I don’t kill my darlings. I keep going until I’m happy.
Sometimes that requires me to step away for a while, which lets me see things more clearly. Sometimes I’ll put the painting on the painty table and just let it sit there until the next step suggests itself. In this case, I fiddled with the tiny details first – adding a bolder outline around the leaves, and darkening the legs on the fuzz butt. I scrubbed out the lettering because it just wasn’t working for me, and walked away for a while to make myself a steak dinner.
When I came back to the table, I caught sight of a bottle of bright lime green Nova paint out of the corner of my eye and my whole body said YES. Then I realized I’d lost most of the honeycomb stenciling I’d put in the background so I brought it back with layers of copper and gold. I added little bits of furry black in the body of the bee and slapped on a sticker. A border in black finished it up and voila.
Back when I first started dabbling in mixed media art, I had zero patience with myself at all. I had no skills. I didn’t know how the mediums I was using worked together. I failed and failed and failed and failed and so many paintings ended up in the trash UNTIL one day I realized that I wasn’t giving myself enough time or space to fail *well*. I needed to become more critical (in the good way) of what was happening on the page. I needed to start asking myself questions about what I didn’t like and what I could do so that I liked it. I began experimenting with the push-pull of adding and subtracting. Do a little of this, push some of it back, pull some of THAT BIT forward. Add a little more of this.
It’s a bit like a dance, and I’ve really grown to love it.
Does doing this dance mean I’m ridiculously happy and in love with every single thing I do? No. It doesn’t mean that. It does mean I fail better, though. It means that instead of tossing a thing in the garbage, I examine it. I look closely. I learn about what went wrong for me and how I might change it so it works better. At the end of every session, I want to feel as though I delighted myself OR as though I learned something really valuable that I can take into my next session.
*I titled this post “Unalive Your Darlings?” because the algorithms are stupid.
by Effy | Feb 11, 2023 | blog
One of our first activities in Moonshine 2023 this year was to engage in some preliminary work in preparation for the little spells that my Wing Witch, Sarah Trumpp will be providing us with all year long. She instructed us in finding our “soul number” and our “year number” using a combo deal of tarot and numerology.
Of course, I’d long since done this way back in the early aughts (like, the late 1980’s) when I first immersed myself in all things witchy including tarot, so I knew that my soul number is 9 which correlates to The Hermit in the tarot.
Here’s what that looks like in my favourite deck – the one I cut my teeth on and the one I still reach for all these years later.
Here’s what it looks like in the deck I recommend to beginners with tarot – The Colman Smith (or Rider Waite if you prefer – I just like to honour the artist, Patricia Colman, because she’s a part of my spiritual lineage).
I’m sharing this with you because as I started filling out my little worksheet in prep for the coming year of tarot magic, it got me to thinking about how this shows up in my life. It reminded me that the number one question I get from people – students and casual observers alike, is something like this:
“How do you manage to be so “authentic” and “honest”?” The answer is complicated, but I’m going to give it a whack.
First, it’s probably the ’tism. Yes, I’m coming to accept that I am, as friends and family have suggested, most likely actually autistic. No, I am not pursuing a formal diagnosis because I don’t “need treatment” for it. I need accommodation, and I’m already providing that. It’s also incredibly difficult to get a diagnosis if you are a woman because studies on autism were done on young white boys. It shows up in a million different flavours that weren’t covered in those studies or in the current diagnostics, but when I’ve done the quizzes – even the long-form ones – I get “You are probably autistic”.
Fine. If it helps me understand myself, if it helps me be gentler with myself about how I work and what my needs are, I’ll take it.
I’ve also got neurodivergence as a result of complex trauma so I am extra spicy. This extra spiciness means I *can* play along with social norms, but I find it so exhausting, so costly to my sense of well-being, that I mostly *don’t*. And that means saying what is true for me, even when it’s uncomfortable. That means I’ve got no bandwidth for pretending I’m okay when I’m not. That means if my boundaries are violated, I’m likely to say so. It means that I’m too fucking tired to pretend I’m perfect, and I’m way too invested in being accepted *as I am* to try to twist myself into configurations that are socially acceptable but impossible for me to sustain.
It also means that I can drop you like you’re hot if you harm me. This usually takes a few strikes because I trauma bond easily and I have a powerful fawn trauma response, but once I get that you’re not good for me, I’m done like dinner.
Does this make me risky to love?
Sure, if you’re planning on fucking me over. But if you’re willing to do rupture and repair with me, I’m easy to love and not just easy, I’m a delight. I’m full of grace and empathy. I’m loyal. I’m *devoted*.
But fuck me over? I’m out. I may still love you. I’ll probably love you forever, but I will deny you access to me so fast your head will spin and it will take *a lot* to get me back.
So, all of that. The autism. The trauma. I’m also INFJ, and I’m The Hermit.
Identifying as The Hermit means that I have befriended my solitude. I don’t need to be in constant contact with humans. I don’t need a romantic partnership to feel complete. I do yearn for a friend group I can feel at home in my own skin with, but I don’t feel like my life has less value because I haven’t sorted that out yet. Some people find me a lot to take. I get it. I will look you in the face and say “I love you” and mean it and some people find that uncomfortable. I will also look you in the face and say “You are hurting me. I need you to do better.” and boy, do people find THAT uncomfortable. I don’t smile when I’m angry like so many of us have been conditioned to do.
I’m a lot for the neurotypical to handle, and so the longer I live, the less I try to fit in with the neurotypical. The less I mask. The more I shrug off being misunderstood, because look…
I am tired. ;) This is the size and shape of neuro I come in. There are billions of other people for you to choose from. Let me be this rusty bucket of bog water, okay? Go find your perfect cup of tea and leave me be.
Thankfully, blessedly, the people that get me tend to be neuro-spicy, too, so they appreciate knowing that they’re always going to know exactly where they stand with me. There’s no subtext. There’s no risk of me saying anything about you to anyone that I wouldn’t say to your face. I will not lie to you about how I feel about you. I will not pretend to like you if I don’t. I won’t be uncivil about it – I can not like you and still be perfectly civil, but you’re not going to catch me faking something I don’t feel.
Truthfully, I like most people but I am also terrified of most people, so the whole “not liking” people isn’t really an issue. It’s more that if you give me a reason to be afraid of you (eg. you don’t say what you mean or your words don’t align with your actions or you do a lot of projecting of your own stuff onto me), you might find me aloof. Not unkind, but not accessible, either.
If you want me to be warm with you, you have to know this:
I am not here for you. I am not about the business of collecting friends. I’m not a social butterfly. I’m not “tribal”. Social connections cost me a lot of life force, so I’m not going to be easy to lure out of my hermitage. I’m most comfortable when I am alone.
I used to think that this meant there was something wrong with me, but I don’t think that anymore. I have learned how to meet my needs for connection in ways that don’t burn me out or overstimulate me. I know how to dip when I need to dip, and I flake without shame when I need to flake. I take my life force very seriously, and if I find that my interactions with someone are too draining and I have no contractual or familial obligation to interact with them, I won’t interact. I prefer one on one to large group gatherings. Hell, I prefer ZOOM to in-person interactions because I have *total control* over how long that encounter may last.
And on the subject of “honesty” or “authenticity”, aside from all the neuro reasons, there’s this one:
I’d rather be loved as a complicated and sometimes ugly truth than mistakenly loved as a pretty lie.
by Effy | Jan 20, 2023 | blog
Mercury FINALLY went direct and I appreciated the glut of emails that flooded my inbox telling me so because this year has been such a crock pot so far – everything simmering low and slow. My energy for most things has been pretty meh except for the stuff I’ve been doing art-wise. I don’t know that I’ve had a January as prolific as this one in a very long time.
See what I mean?
Some of these were done as warm ups for Alena Hennessy’s “A Year Of Painting Gold“, which you should definitely check out. If you sign up, let her know I sent you! Some were done in Joanne Sharpe’s “Artfully Inspired Life – Greatest Hits” which has been so much fun. Some were for PTTM, some for Moonshine, and the last one was for Book Of Mirrors: A Year Of Oracles.
Something I promised myself as I eased into this year was that I’d give myself the gift of *time* this year. Time to putter. Time to play. Time to actually take the courses I’ve signed up for. Time to settle into a piece I’m painting and really let it lead me.
It’s been gorgeous. Here’s a speed painting of my experience with that feathered bird above. All those layers! All that decision making! Hours and hours, and exactly what I needed in the moment.
Someone asked “why so many layers?” and my answer to that question is pretty simple. I love layers, and it takes that long for me to really get where a painting wants to go. If I don’t let it cook like this, things feel unfinished. Also, depth. Also, texture. Also, this is a practice that is way less about the finished product than it is about the time I spend meeting myself on the page.
Also, layering is fun. Mastering mediums – how to layer them, what works with what – has been the most fun part of my mixed media art journey.
Just call me the Layering Queen. ;)
Meanwhile, I’ve been back in my Sweet Trash Journal. We did a weekend workshop Jan 6th – 8th (still open for registration and everything is up for you to enjoy with instant access) and it’s had the exact impact I hoped it would. I’m opening that book every day. I’m smashing in photos. I’m journaling. I’m doing my daily tarot draws and making my lists and ticking them off. I’m sticking gold stars in the back as I complete tasks that feel self-loyal. I loooooooove this process so much and I’m glad to be back at it after a year of neglecting it because depression is a thief of the habits that keep my head above water.
We’re gathering again on January 29th for a Sweet Trash Play Party if you want to come. :) We’re going to spend a Sunday afternoon in Zoom together getting our journals ready for the new month ahead. These are priced to be way accessible ($18) and include forever access to the replay + a copy of the printable planner I’m using this year. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve been showing off my STJ every Monday during the live so I can keep myself on track with it. It’s a process that really serves me in staying in touch with myself, and that’s something I really need right now as I navigate my new normal.
And that’s me for today. I just wanted to pop in and say hi and show you what I’ve been up to. I’d love to see what you’re up to as well, so link me up in the comments below.
xo
Effy
by Effy | Jan 5, 2023 | blog
Mercury is in Gatorade again, that fucker, and you may scoff, but it’s doing my head in – especially with Moonchild being all “poke poke poke” in my tender places. My mama heart is a fucking disaster over some stuff that my kids are going through – three in crisis all at the same time – and I’ve been worried about a friend for a while now because they just kinda disappeared but we have been estranged for a decade so I didn’t feel comfortable reaching out until it became UNTENABLE to my nervous system not to. That was a trip that my nervous system did not thank me for, let me tell you, but it had to be done.
ANYWAY despite all of that, I kept a dinner date with a new friend yesterday. If you know me at all you know that this is a miracle because generally, if I’m even a tiny bit activated, I do not do social. I really wanted to, though, and Renee sat with me on Zoom for the hour before her arrival so I could ignore the rising panic, which worked beautifully.
This new friend has been floating around my periphery because we were introduced on the socials by a mutual friend. See, we both have adult kids with psychosis and when my life exploded in 2020 and I was taking refuge in a friend’s basement (because we had reached the “You are not my real mom, you are the robot mom and I think you poisoned the soup” chapter in our psychosis story so I got the fuck out of dodge), we were put in touch so she could help me figure out housing. I worked it all out in the end, and we remained FB friends, but no further contact was explored. Prolly because my life was a dumpster fire for a good long 2 years there and I had no bandwidth for anything other than liking and love hearting socials posts.
Anyway, she bought a painting of mine and since she doesn’t live but a hop skip and a jump away (in another city, but close enough for a day trip), she decided to save us both the postage, and shipping and handling, and use the occasion to finally get together in person.
It was instant friendship, y’all. We start yakking and I swear we did not stop the entire time. I adore her, and I’m soooo grateful I didn’t let my traumatized ass flake out like I usually do because at one point we were going over all the things, as moms who have this particular thing in common do, and she took my hand and gazed into my eyes and asked: “Who is supporting you with all this?”
Y’all.
Y’all!!!
Y’all.
So, listen. Here’s the deal. I am super grateful that I have people I *can* reach out to, and I rattled off the list and assured her I’m looked after, but…
I have to admit that I let myself get terribly whelmed before I reach out. I do tend to isolate when life is hard and I do tend to wait until it’s a FUCKING EMERGENCY before I let slip that I’m not doing so hot (often because I’m too numbed out to notice) and this new friend really brought that home to me by asking that question.
But!
Yesterday I caught myself feeling whelmed, so I reached out. And today, I did more of the same. And while I still can’t shake the “MY LIFE IS SO FULL OF DRAMA AND I AM A BURDEN TO MY FRIENDS” thing that goes on in my brainmeats on the regular, I shook my fist at it, called it a lying liar, and got myself some eyes on and gentle witnessing despite it.
Progress.
Anyway, the aforementioned disappeared friend popped up, so I can stop shitting myself with worry. We solved one of the kid crises by throwing money at it and helped to mitigate the potentially traumatic nature of the other two crises by being present, lending an ear, sharing relevant memes and TikToks and running around Azeroth killing things for a while while we listened to my 2022 playlist on Spotify.
Trauma isn’t what happened to you, you know. It’s whether or not you were left to handle it alone and without support and I do not let my kids handle things alone and without support if I can help it. (P.S. Fuck you, mom) I love that about me, and today everyone is doing okay, and so today is a better day despite the gatorade shenanigans and Moonchild pulling at all our heartstrings.
*Takes a breath*
I just really needed to get that out of my head so if you read this far, thanks for listening.
*CLOSES THOSE TABS IN HER BRAIN*
I’m going to go make some blooming tea now and do some painting.
by Effy | Jan 4, 2023 | blog
I’m off to an incredibly gentle start. There is no hoopla happening around here – no “New Year, New Me” mania. Just me and the furbabes and my paints and the Art Witches in Moonshine (my main focus this year, alongside Prayers To The Moon on Youtube and A Year Of Oracles on Patreon (starts Jan 15th).
I’m also apprenticing myself to Alena Hennesy in A Year Of Painting Gold because I wanted to sink deeper into skills-building this year. AYOP is way outside of my comfort zone, but so far I’m really loving it. I started with this warm-up:
And then took what I learned from that to create this for the upcoming Full Moon:
Both were hours-long conversations with myself about myself – what I’m wanting to call in. What I’m wanting to emphasize and attend to. The first painting says something to me about chiaroscuro – the lights and darks within myself – and is an ode to all my parts. The second is about how much I appreciate both being nourishing/providing nourishment and being nourished/receiving nourishment.
If you know me at all, I usually need some kind of focal image – a portrait, usually – in my paintings, but I’m breaking free of that and playing with allowing shapes and marks be enough. You can find out more about Alena’s course here, by the way.
Something else I’m shifting is this weird message I internalized somewhere along the way that I should be *quiet* in other people’s classes. Wait, what? I pay just the same as anyone else does to engage with this kind of content, and I am as deserving as anyone else in the class of the space I take up when I share my work or ask my questions. For years now, I’ve purchased classes and quietly hummed along in the background, asking for nothing, taking up zero space because I had internalized this whole “who do you think you are?” voice in my head. I’m done with that. I’m going to share. I’m going to engage as a student. I’m going to dig in and do the things.
This feels good to me even if I am trying this way of being on with a little trepidation. In the face of that wee frisson of abject terror, I’m reminding myself that I *love* it when the teachers I love are in my classes and doing the stuff. I feel honoured and super chuffed to discover that they’re getting something out of what I offer.
This whole thing where I am afraid to take up space has gotten old. I’m done with it. This coming year you’re not only going to see me in all of *my* spaces, but also in all of the spaces I have chosen to engage in.
It’s about time, eh?
Only took me 12 years. Heh.
I think I’m over the worst of whatever the fuck these last three years have been. I’m still struggling with some things but the struggle feels less OMGDOOM and more “Yeah, this is gnarly, but I can do it.” I’m choosing my battles much more carefully than I have historically, by which I mean that instead of bashing myself over the head with everything I think is “wrong” with me, I’m asking myself why I want to make the changes I want to make.
I want to drink less. Why? Not because drinking is a moral issue or something I feel ashamed of or because I’m afraid I’ll end up dead in a mission like my father or dead by suicide in a rehab like my sister. No. I want to drink less because I want to be with myself without numbing out. It’s about not wanting to abandon myself. I don’t see drinking as a character defect. I see it as a way I sometimes medicate the pain I’m in. I love my human self for reaching for relief butandalso I want to feel better without self-medicating.
In a similar vein, I want to quit smoking. Why? Not because smoking is a moral issue, but because I know I’m using it to medicate anxiety and *that actually doesn’t work*. It creates a cycle of rising anxiety which leads to cravings which leads to using which leads to a very temporary sense of relief which leads to anxiety.
I want to be self-possessed, you know? I want to be untethered. I don’t want to be subject to cravings. I don’t want to be reactive because a chemical has a hold of me. I don’t want the slow suicide that smoking represents for me. I don’t want to experience the world through the fog that alcohol induces in me.
I want to be free.
But there’s nothing in any of this about how the things I do to mitigate the symptoms of C-PTSD, narcissistic abuse syndrome, grief, rage, etc. make me a bad person.
I am not a bad person.
I’m a hurting person. I am a healing person.
Substance use is not a moral issue and I am unashamed in my struggles with it.
I have faith that I will find my way to being in the world without dependence on numbing agents.
And so it is.
In Other News
This coming weekend is going to be amazing! I’m doing a live weekend workshop in the art of creating and stuffing a Sweet Trash Journal! We’re going to get together on Friday to talk about how STJ came to be and how I use it. I’ll be sharing all the resources I can think of, and we’ll talk about supplies and systems and printable planners. On Saturday, I’ll be decorating TWO STJs – one of which will be offered up in a giveaway for students, and on Sunday, we’ll get started in filling up our books so that they bloom and evolve and go from a cheapo composition notebook into something akin to The Velveteen Rabbit of journals. I can’t wait!
If you’d like to join me, please click here:
Use coupon code WILDERLOVE to get 20% off.
Note that while this will be live, there will be a replay to which you will have forever access!
