Witch Adjacent

My Witch Adjacent is having surgery today, (Sigourney is finally being cast into the outer darkness!!!) so I am pretty much just holding her body and soul together with my thoughts because that’s how I roll. Carly is keeping me posted.

Meanwhile, I’m painting.

That’s all I’ve got today, though, because holding someone’s body and soul together with your thoughts takes focus.

Storytime

I. I watched the documentary series entitled “Q: Into The Storm” over the course of last week and WHOA. Fascinating. Everyone should watch it if they want to understand how the fuck QAnon happened, who is behind it, and how *creepy* it really is.

II. Mentioning it on Facebook led to the discovery of Qanon Anonymous – a fantastic podcast that is both hilarious and informative. I found it on Spotify and almost immediately signed up with them on Patreon. This is good stuff.

III. I spent yesterday in a relaxed state, slept well, and woke up this morning feeling refreshed. Got my newsletter sent out + the Darling Human note + read a bunch of blogs with my morning coffee. Now I’ve tossed a corned beef brisket into a pot to simmer all day so I can have it for dinner tonight. My studio is clean. My kitchen is clean. This feels really good.

IV. I’m going to paint today.

V. Storytime.

This train of thought was prompted by seeing this meme floating around Facebook:

I could make quite the list.

VI. I have some tender things on my mind about friendship and lineage and giving credit and the way I’ve seen some people mine other people’s content to pad their own. Renee and I talk about this fairly often because we’re both in a position where people get close to our work because they love what we do and then we find what we do cropping up in their stuff without any kind of acknowledgment of where it came from. It is disheartening, mostly because I don’t think people realize that they’re even doing it. There’s no way to address it without seeming like a fucking asshole, either.

Thankfully, there are those who integrate what we’ve offered and then make their own thing – things that are obviously their own – and even though those things are obviously their own, we find ourselves mentioned in the ‘credits’ in some way. That is beautiful, and that is where I prefer to spend my energy and attention. I have art teacher babies who started out in my classes and have now way surpassed me in terms of numbers, and I am *incredibly proud of them*. Without fail, you will hear them say things like “I got started on this journey with Effy Wild” or “Effy was a huge inspiration to me when I first started out.” or  “Effy was one of my first teachers” or “Effy is the OG Art WItch”.

This kind of acknowledgment makes me feel appreciated.

VII. I had a relationship very early on in my tenure as a teacher that totally fell apart once I realized that she wanted the benefit of my network more than she wanted my friendship. There was this weird period of time where I was paying her half of everything I earned through my network as part of our agreement, but she wasn’t signing in. She was totally absent. She had a million excuses about why, but it boiled down to this:

I was giving her half my income for nothing.

I girded my loins over time and pointed this out – that I couldn’t keep paying her if she wasn’t going to show up, that I got that she was going through a hard time, but I couldn’t subsidize that, butandalso that the friendship was way more important to me than the business partnership, and I wanted to find a way to work it out. She muttered that it was the opposite for her. She needed the money. The business mattered more.

Ooooof.

I was deeply hurt by this. Deeply. But I was not in a place at the time where I could respond in a healthy way – and yo, healthy would have been to say “Well, fuck off then because I am not a charity and I’m not here to pay you to do nothing just because we’re “friends”.”

I was sure I’d somehow brought this on myself. I didn’t like myself enough to stick up for myself. I guzzled a bottle of wine, cried a lot, and then, within a matter of a few months, while continuing to pay her for doing nothing, I started my own thing without her. When I started the new thing without her, and it became obvious that this thing was going to outpace the other thing financially, she blocked me on the socials and talked shit about me to anyone who would listen, even going so far as to “report me” to people I collaborate with.

Ooooooooooof.

It was hard not to take this personally, but in time, I started getting emails from people saying “Oh, hey! She did this same thing to <insert name here>.” Something about knowing that helped me move on from it, but it left a wariness in me that I haven’t shaken to this day.

VIII. When people get close to me through my work, I admit I wonder if they’re there for me, or if they’re there for my network or because they want to be associated with me because it gives them some kind of Effy Bump…

Do they want *me* in their lives or do they want what they can get out of being associated with me? Or some combination of both?

Tender, tender subject. No resolution at the moment. Just some honest grappling served up for your entertainment.

IX. Video chat with my Bean scheduled for this afternoon. I miss his little face so much and I can’t wait to see him and hear him bellow AWESOME MIMI! AWESOME!

X. My family is healing. Oh. My. Heart.

I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook

 

Go Frolic Yourself!

Today will be just a few things since I spent the weekend getting loose ends tied up for A Year Of Mary + did some art for me, and I have literally nothing to say except YAY ART OMG SQUEE!

This is my offering for A Year of Mary for the month of April. I am IN LOVE WITh HER soft gaze. She was the exact medicine I needed in this moment. You can make her with me on Patreon. 

Today, I played with some Prima watercolours (Vintage Pastels) on watercolour ground in a Dylusions journal. Then, I brayered gesso. Then I did this:

This little bun bun came to visit and he wants me to go frolic. There was a point *after* I’d inserted that exclamation point that I realized that it would have been really fun to write “Go Frolic Yourself” in honour of May Day, which is coming fast. I might just have to do this again! This got layers of Pebeo iridescent paint, a bit of Tombow marker, white Posca pen, black Sakura Glaze pen, and the bunny was done in Stabilo All (black) and Liquitex Acrylic Ink in Muted Grey.

I took the leftover paints and gesso on my palette and made this super dreamy, soft background in the same journal.

This photo does not do it justice.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with it, but I am really looking forward to exploring what might be possible!

Here’s the entire spread in the journal on my painty table:

Squeee!

I got to spend some time in Zoom with Sera and GG today and it was such a lovely visit. The flow of laughter between us is a balm on my soul. GG is still training for Journal Jam. He’s going to watch some replays and track them to see he does. I also sent him a list of my favourite supplies so he’ll recognize them when I mention them. He’s nervous but excited! We’ll be Jamming Monday after next. Look for the announcement to go out in The Wilderhood.

That’s it for me, loves. I’m going to eat some broccoli and cheese stuffed chicken and then head off to Azeroth with GG for a while.

I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook

 

Pass It On

I. The news is all “dire dire emergency catastrophic apocalyptic do not leave your fucking house on pain of death” + the funeral of Prince Philip.

II. I watched the funeral and pretty much felt nothing but annoyance with the focus on the relationship between Harry and William + a deep kind of heartache for the Queen as she sat entirely alone. I’m not into the monarchy *at all* and think it is a deeply racist institution, but my heart went out to the *person* who lost her husband. I found myself thinking about my ex MIL, who died in July (I just found out a few weeks ago). She loved the Royals. I hope she gets to have tea and talk horses with him. I think she’d like that.

III. Afterward, I shook it all off and breathed myself back into the center – here in my world, in my life. I did the dishes and made myself the most comforting plate of food – a baked potato slathered in butter with leftover crabcake crumbled over it. I smothered that in melted cheese & served it with some full-fat sour cream and minced green onions and SHOVED IT IN MY FACE.

IV. Then I put my brushes in to soak, broke down all the cardboard, cleared off my kitchen table (which has become the kitchen’s equivalent of the chaircloset we all have in our bedrooms), swept the floors, tidied up the studio, regessoed the canvas board I use as a backdrop on my painty table, put down a little blanket for Sybil so she can stop depositing clumps of herself all over the duckcloth cover I have on said painty table (snerk), finished filming A Year Of Mary, edited all the videos, started putting together the PDF, and popped in here to blog.

V. I am a fucking rockstar.

VI. I posted this on Facebook, but I wanted to share it here:

I deeply appreciate this beautiful, vulnerable conversation about grief.

This kind of conversation, to me, feels like an antidote to toxic masculinity. Thanks, April, for sharing it.

Something about this day is making me very tender. Collective grief. Grappling with the goodness of individual humans vs. the racism of an institution. Empathy for the humans. Even some humans who have done me harm.

Not quite forgiveness, but some kind of shared understanding.

The moon in Cancer, though, so no surprise there.

VII. We’re in a lockier lockdown in Ontario until May 20th. I am feeling a weird kind of exhaustion mixed with no fucks given. I’m furious with Ford for giving police the go-ahead to stop people in the streets/on the roads to ask if they have the right to be there. I’m grateful to hear that most of the police forces in Ontario (including here in London) put out announcements to say they would not be doing that.

Mr. Ford, we do not need more police intervention, nor do we need parks closed. We need paid sick leave. We need you to listen to the medical advisors and do what *they* say. We need you to stop pandering to your base and do your fucking job.

VIII. Oops. I think I just stirred up a little pocket of fury there. Oh well.

IX. I have been so sedentary lately that the list of things I did above made my back ache something fierce. I am planning on throwing myself in a very hot tub of water with Epsom salts before popping two Robax and taking it easy for the rest of my Saturday.

X. I am okay. We’re going to be okay.

Pass it on.

P.S. Also this:

Be gentle with yourself, bebe. xo

 

 

Giving It My Some

I feel like this is all I’ve got today, but *this totally counts*.

I found it on the book of faces and yoinked it because I felt an immediate sense of relief when I read it.

And since I’ve got nothing more (if I pushed for more, it would be whiny – weather, artist’s block, burn out, etc. etc.) I figured I’d tell you that Amigo The Devil dropped a new album and I am obsessed.

I’ll try again for more tomorrow.

This picture of Salem for tax!!

 

#Goals

I. Yesterday, I tossed two wet teabags into the paper bag I had sitting on my kitchen table – the one that was holding all the little bits and bobs of garbage I was tossing into it as I went about the business of clawing my kitchen back from the chaos that happens when I am not feeling well. Then, when I was finished filling it and lifted it to transfer it into a proper receptacle, the bottom broke. Garbage everywhere.

When I pressed the coffee, it exploded all over me & the counter & the floor that I had JUST CLEANED BECAUSE GARBAGE EXPLOSION.

When I was cleaning up the floor, I smashed my head on the underside of the counter.

All of this happened as I was listening to the news from the night before – news about vaccine delays and other fuckery.

And then I started laughing, because what else are you going to do?

II. The day did get better. I forced myself to go to bed with the furfaces who decided to attach themselves to my body for the duration of the day/night. There was one point at which I’d had enough of all the body heat they were generating and said “C’mon, y’all! Give me some personal space!” I got up to refill my glass, and when I returned to my spot, they just glomped right back on me in exactly the same position they were before – Sybil in my lap, Salem at my knee, and Sookie along my left thigh.

I don’t know if they needed me or if I needed them, but whatever. I settled in and picked up what they were putting down, which was “Rest, mama. Be still. Breathe.”

III. This happened:

I laughed so much over this, y’all. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t catch my breath.

Only in Canada.

IV. Today I will throw a riot of colour at a 9 x 12 piece of watercolour paper, but not until I’ve had coffee with Renee, eaten something (eggs and toast with some beans and sliced tomatoes, I think), and washed my brushes. I have a thing that’s late because of the back pain & the total refusal to push myself beyond my own limits. I’ll make up for it today, and now that I’ve wrapped my head around what I want to do, I’m really looking forward to it.

V. April in Canada. It was super warm for a couple of days there, and now there’s a chance of snow today and tomorrow. I turned the AC off and the heat back on. We tend to get two false springs before the real thing comes on here in Southwestern Ontario, so I’m used to it, but it does feel a little like mother nature is teasing me.

VI. I found out yesterday that the fantasy fiction writing thing I’m doing *does* have replays available so that’ll be a project for this weekend once I get the work stuff squared away.

VII. I’m really reaching today because *waves at all the sameness* but that’s ok. Ticking “blog” off my list will feel good since it is a commitment I’ve made to myself and sometimes self-loyalty looks like slogging through a thing because you’ve made a commitment to yourself.

VIII. Subtext. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. If I have to guess what’s going on, well, I just won’t anymore. I no longer pursue understanding. I figure if I’m not being told, it’s none of my business. I’ll take what’s offered freely and full-throatedly while I offer the same. I don’t want to have to puzzle out my connections. I don’t want to have to read between the lines.

I feel like sometimes people set you up to do this because they want to feel like they matter. I get that, but it’s too much to ask right now, you know? Do you want to be in my life? Awesome. If you need me to come in after you and beg you to stay, I’m not your huckleberry. The 2020s have taken any desire for anything that isn’t easily and rightfully mine right out of me.

If I have to fight for it, I’m not interested. I’m too tired.

This is new. I like it.

IX. #Goals

X. #Mood

I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook