Month-End

I. So I’m in month-end which means I’m scrambling, but I have been extremely kind to myself this month so I’m way ahead. It’ll be fine. It still takes some scrambling, but not the same kind of scrambling I usually have to do so I’m grateful.

II. I am in love with this entire thing. It’s adorable because my friends who saw these pop up on Facebook thought I might be the genius behind them, but I am not! I am, however, totally in love with the genius behind them. Too bad he doesn’t know I exist. :)

III. I put in a request through the Shopper’s Drug Mart form to get scheduled for a vaccine. It felt very adulty. I’ll keep you posted.

IV. Writing class tonight. I’m going. No excuses.

V. Got to video chat with my Bean last night and OMG. He’s so adorable. He fed me his spaghetti through the screen and laughed and laughed when I went OM NOM NOM.

VI. I spaced on blogging yesterday which means I owe myself an extra post. I might do that tonight, since I have a super full day ahead of me and I’ll have some art to share.

VII. Had a Zoom with a couple of close friends yesterday and it was *life*.

I love these peoples.

VIII. This guy is hanging out again, and I couldn’t be more thrilled.

LEONARD!!

I’m going to stoop sit for a bit after I clean my brushes in preparation for Journal Jam and see if I can’t lure him out of hiding with some peanuts.

IX. JOURNAL JAM TODAY!

See you at 2 p.m. EDT.

X. I’ll probably pop in this evening before my writing class to give you a peek at what I made during the jam.

I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook

 

 

Life. The Best We Can Do.

I took this yesterday when I was feeling particularly tired – post-therapy, post a long conversation with a friend, pandemic weary…

Space buns. Side boob. Those new lines around my eyes. I love them. They tell you the story of who I am. 

It’s been a good couple of days, but I’m feeling quiet inside today. I’ve been blowing my creative wad in my art journal. Yes, I know that’s gross. No, I’ll never stop being a 12-year-old boy in disguise.

My house got cleaned today. I made dinner for Kimi. I had a long talk with a friend, who has been as COVID safe as I have so I invited him to join Kimi and me for New Amsterdam. He stayed after Kimi left so we could reconnect, and I introduced him to Sense8. He is *smitten*. Bowled over. I knew he would be.

We had issues last year, but we worked them out, and now we’re friends and I’m very pleased.

He’s a Viking, so yanno. We adore him.

I’m *exhausted* though, and just barely getting this blog in under the wire. I’m doing some filming tomorrow morning and then a live gathering with my art witches tomorrow afternoon. I’ve got more work on Sunday and probably some Azeroth with GG.

So, life.The best we can do.

I’ll be back tomorrow with more.

Pleasure & The Pandemic

I. I spent a few hours running around in Azeroth with GG last night, and it was awesome. We also had a listening party – took in the newest album from Amigo The Devil. 

Dude made me cry. I love him so much.

II. I slayed a bunch of the list yesterday before I went “off-world” and that facilitated a totally guilt-free escape. Maybe one day I will be able to ‘escape’ as needed without needing to “earn the right”. #Goals

III. I think what I like about writing and reading blogs is that it’s pretty close to writing letters. Remember those? There’s something way more intimate about this kind of “keeping in touch” than the social media kind. It’s like slow food or slow fashion. It takes more time, but that also means it takes more *thought*, more *heart*.

I will never not love blogging.

IV. I have a maintenance appointment with my therapist today, and I’m looking forward to seeing her. I wrangled some demons since the last time I saw her and I’m proud to check in with *waves at all of that*. Most of it has to do with emotional regulation, responsiveness vs. reactiveness, self-loyalty, and recognizing that other people’s projections are not my problem. I am entirely self-possessed. It feels good.

V. I put a sunny-side-up egg on top of a bowl of baked beans this morning and shoved it in my face. It was everything my body wanted. I have leftover corned beef and cabbage to heat up for tonight’s dinner. I’ll probably have some kind of snack at some point, but I can only seem to manage 2 full meals a day. I’ve become willing to accept that because forcing myself to eat more feels *wrong* to me. I eat when I’m hungry, and I eat what I want, and that seems intuitive and healthy.

VI. I was listening to one of my favourite playlists yesterday while editing a video and I found myself chair dancing and singing at the top of my lungs. Sybil was *very into it*, and came over to meow-yell and rub her little head all over my face, arms and chest while I sang. The more I sang, the more she loved on me.

Cats are weird and amusing.

I took this a) in the dark and b) with my camera’s (lousy) zoom, so I had to edit it but I wanted to show you how stately she is when she isn’t drinking the paint water, head butting my hand while I’m trying to fill her food bowl, or torturing her dog.

She says “Mama, you need a pedicure”.

She’s not wrong.

VIII. I want a lover who will paint my toenails.

IX. This Canadian art supplier carries Tri-Art!

X. I did this painting last year around this time and I love her joyful little face so much.

The reminder to lean in to pleasure was timely for me. I feel cut off from my sensuality and sexuality, which seems self-preservative and wise (thank you body) since pleasure of the paired up kind is not available to me right now. I mean *I could* have that kind of fun – I’ve had (very tempting) offers – but no matter how pandemic weary I am, I am not so weary that I’ll put myself at that kind of risk.

So, the libido is like “I’m on vacation” and I’m like “Cool, cool. Just maybe think about coming back after we’re vaccinated, okay? I need shenanigans.”

But not till after we’ve all been vaccinated.

 

Grace

I. I have been working very, very hard but in that way that makes me feel very, very good. Do y’all experience this? I verge with anti-capitalism so it isn’t about money, though my efforts do pay off in that realm. It’s about the sense of accomplishment I derive from the value of my work. It is almost as good as dark chocolate. Fires off in my brain in the same way.

I don’t chase it, though. I don’t push myself to go after it all the time. I let it happen according to the list, and then when the list is done, I rest or frolic. I don’t over-pack my list, either. I’ve learned what my limitations are and I work within them.

I’m feeling really good about this.

II. Speaking of frolicking, I need some.

III. Ontario has opened up to vaccinating those over 40 with the Astrazeneca vaccine and I’m excited about it. I need to get through month-end before I opt-in, though, because I do not want to panic about that month-end list when I’m supposed to be in a blanket fort with Tom Yum Soup and furbabes recovering from the work my immune system will do once I get the vaccine.

IV. My Witch Adjacent is home and healing. Thank you for holding space for me to worry about her yesterday.

V. Frozen spanikopita in my freezer is self-care.

VI. This happened:

She’s for Book Of Days 2021 for the month of May. You can join me here if you want to make her + all the other gorgeousness that’s up in that class.

VII. My cataracts are getting really, really bad. They’re interfering with my *desire* as well as my ability to paint and I need to get on that but executive dysfunction when it comes to dealing with things like these is a real thing that I struggle with. Still. My dad let himself go completely blind unnecessarily before he died, and that is not a road I am willing to go down, so I’m aiming to fix it.

VIII. I may have unfairly judged someone. It happened last year, and I did a very typical INFJ door slam on them because I didn’t have the bandwidth for anything else. I’ve been thinking about it for days – like, a lot. It’s been weighing on me that I need to clear the air and make amends.

I girded my loins and reached out to ask if we could talk things over and the answer was yes.

IX. Grace. It’s a lovely thing.

Nine feels like a good place to stop today.

Witch Adjacent

My Witch Adjacent is having surgery today, (Sigourney is finally being cast into the outer darkness!!!) so I am pretty much just holding her body and soul together with my thoughts because that’s how I roll. Carly is keeping me posted.

Meanwhile, I’m painting.

That’s all I’ve got today, though, because holding someone’s body and soul together with your thoughts takes focus.

Storytime

I. I watched the documentary series entitled “Q: Into The Storm” over the course of last week and WHOA. Fascinating. Everyone should watch it if they want to understand how the fuck QAnon happened, who is behind it, and how *creepy* it really is.

II. Mentioning it on Facebook led to the discovery of Qanon Anonymous – a fantastic podcast that is both hilarious and informative. I found it on Spotify and almost immediately signed up with them on Patreon. This is good stuff.

III. I spent yesterday in a relaxed state, slept well, and woke up this morning feeling refreshed. Got my newsletter sent out + the Darling Human note + read a bunch of blogs with my morning coffee. Now I’ve tossed a corned beef brisket into a pot to simmer all day so I can have it for dinner tonight. My studio is clean. My kitchen is clean. This feels really good.

IV. I’m going to paint today.

V. Storytime.

This train of thought was prompted by seeing this meme floating around Facebook:

I could make quite the list.

VI. I have some tender things on my mind about friendship and lineage and giving credit and the way I’ve seen some people mine other people’s content to pad their own. Renee and I talk about this fairly often because we’re both in a position where people get close to our work because they love what we do and then we find what we do cropping up in their stuff without any kind of acknowledgment of where it came from. It is disheartening, mostly because I don’t think people realize that they’re even doing it. There’s no way to address it without seeming like a fucking asshole, either.

Thankfully, there are those who integrate what we’ve offered and then make their own thing – things that are obviously their own – and even though those things are obviously their own, we find ourselves mentioned in the ‘credits’ in some way. That is beautiful, and that is where I prefer to spend my energy and attention. I have art teacher babies who started out in my classes and have now way surpassed me in terms of numbers, and I am *incredibly proud of them*. Without fail, you will hear them say things like “I got started on this journey with Effy Wild” or “Effy was a huge inspiration to me when I first started out.” or  “Effy was one of my first teachers” or “Effy is the OG Art WItch”.

This kind of acknowledgment makes me feel appreciated.

VII. I had a relationship very early on in my tenure as a teacher that totally fell apart once I realized that she wanted the benefit of my network more than she wanted my friendship. There was this weird period of time where I was paying her half of everything I earned through my network as part of our agreement, but she wasn’t signing in. She was totally absent. She had a million excuses about why, but it boiled down to this:

I was giving her half my income for nothing.

I girded my loins over time and pointed this out – that I couldn’t keep paying her if she wasn’t going to show up, that I got that she was going through a hard time, but I couldn’t subsidize that, butandalso that the friendship was way more important to me than the business partnership, and I wanted to find a way to work it out. She muttered that it was the opposite for her. She needed the money. The business mattered more.

Ooooof.

I was deeply hurt by this. Deeply. But I was not in a place at the time where I could respond in a healthy way – and yo, healthy would have been to say “Well, fuck off then because I am not a charity and I’m not here to pay you to do nothing just because we’re “friends”.”

I was sure I’d somehow brought this on myself. I didn’t like myself enough to stick up for myself. I guzzled a bottle of wine, cried a lot, and then, within a matter of a few months, while continuing to pay her for doing nothing, I started my own thing without her. When I started the new thing without her, and it became obvious that this thing was going to outpace the other thing financially, she blocked me on the socials and talked shit about me to anyone who would listen, even going so far as to “report me” to people I collaborate with.

Ooooooooooof.

It was hard not to take this personally, but in time, I started getting emails from people saying “Oh, hey! She did this same thing to <insert name here>.” Something about knowing that helped me move on from it, but it left a wariness in me that I haven’t shaken to this day.

VIII. When people get close to me through my work, I admit I wonder if they’re there for me, or if they’re there for my network or because they want to be associated with me because it gives them some kind of Effy Bump…

Do they want *me* in their lives or do they want what they can get out of being associated with me? Or some combination of both?

Tender, tender subject. No resolution at the moment. Just some honest grappling served up for your entertainment.

IX. Video chat with my Bean scheduled for this afternoon. I miss his little face so much and I can’t wait to see him and hear him bellow AWESOME MIMI! AWESOME!

X. My family is healing. Oh. My. Heart.

I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook