It Must Have Been Love

I. This popped up in my FB feed and I laughed out loud because doesn’t this first Mondegreen just describe my life from October 2018 to August 2020? I do not think we had one sober encounter the entire time we were together. We were drunk the night we met in 2008. We were drunk when we finally decided to cross over into lovers in 2018. Drinking is a part of fest, yanno, so there was always Fireball on board. And Caesars. He loved his Caesars.

It was love though. It was. And we didn’t see one another for long stretches so when we did, we went into fest mode. And in between, there were all these lovely emails and text messages and phone calls.

It was love. Is love.

It’s just that I’ve just reached that tender place where I can laugh at myself for going so headlong in on someone who was never going to go headlong in on me.

Story of my life. AMIRITE?

II. Maybe not anymore.

III. Butandalso I am not really looking to go headlong in on someone for a good long time yet. I am *gasp* finally having some sex – only took a year after that breakup to break my celibate streak, but it is lovely, uncomplicated sex that won’t change my life. But I also know what it’s supposed to feel like – the way my body responds when I am deeply in love – and that’s what I’m going to hold out for in terms of going all in on someone.

IV. I never felt that way about anybody before. I wonder if I ever will again. I don’t mind if I don’t, though. Some things you only get to have once in a lifetime, and I’m old enough to know better than to go chasing dragons. I will absolutely love again. Already do to one degree or another. Just not *like that*. Not *that much*. Not that deeply.

And I still do. Always will.

IV. Butandalso I know I deserve much, much more and better than what was on offer. The circumstances were too difficult to navigate. It was too hard. Too complicated. Too fraught.

They say “all you need is love”, but you also need mutual respect and integrity and honesty and some kind of self-awareness and a shared mission. I’mma hold out for all that, and in the meantime, there is sex and affection and friendship.

V. I’ll take it.

VI. Having sex for the first time after a year was hilarious to me. It is *so not like riding a bike*. But. It broke the streak and it was immensely sweet and tender and funny and pleasurable and I am looking forward to doing it again soon.

VII. That’s enough about my sex life, eh? ;) But, seriously. I am also this amongst many other things.

Why yes, I am DTF.

VIII. I have so many fun plans for this month I can hardly believe it. Drinks with friends tonight, then Lee and Battlestar Galactica. Saturday, I have a backyard BBQ. Sunday, I have a gathering with like minded folks + Kimi. Monday, I have pottery class. I’m doing a late night walk to go make offerings to the faeries with my friend Rick at some point next week. There’s another outdoor gathering on the 22nd. I have a house party with friends on the 26th.

IX. Plans for my birthday weekend fell through (we’re doing it on the 18th instead), though, so I’m looking for something fun to do on the first weekend in October. Hit me up if you’ve got any ideas! I do have to teach a weekend retreat (details soon) during the day, but I’ll be free in the evenings.

X. And that’s 14/30 for the blog along. ALMOST CAUGHT UP!

I am a delicate, feminine flower.

Hokay, playing catch up. This is post 13/30 for my blogalongathingy.

I. I wish there were a better way to generate monthly income than Patreon. I love my patrons, but I don’t love the interface etc.
I’m pondering on this.

II. This was lunch today. I know how to love my belly, don’t I?

III. I took delivery on a 52 piece sketching set so I can get into my beginner’s drawing course and I am very stoked about it.

IV. This is what today has looked like so far.

Refreshing my purple! P.S. I’m not naked. I’m wearing a tube dress.

V. Also this.

Art Philosophy by Prima Metallic Accent Watercolors on black gesso because YUM.

VI. Lee is coming over for a late BSG sesh and I am looking forward to it. I will kick him out around 1 a.m. because I am already starting to feel month-end bearing down on me like a motherfucker.

VII. I have pear and elderflower flavoured Absolut vodka chilling because I am in the mood for a grown-up cocktail. I will add a dash of bitters and a splash of soda water and sip it elegantly like the delicate feminine purple-haired flower that I am.

I will do that while wearing pink and black leopard print pajamas because I ooze class!

VIII. Tomorrow, I’m having drinks with friends. Friday, I’m going to reserve for a micro-dosed viewing of Merlin: The Apprentice & Merlin: The Return. This mini-series featuring Sam O’Neill is *charming* and makes me happy. I might also bring my sketchbook to the divan so I can doodle and mark make while I watch.

IX. I have an early celebration of my birth on September 18th, since that’s the only day my friends can make it happen. There will be a hot tub and other shenanigans. I am very excite!

X. GET IN ON THE FREE TASTER FOR LIFE BOOK! I’m doing a Journal Jam + a palette play page and you do not want to miss it!

Click to see these images full-sized and also so you can boop Sybil (featured 2nd row, 1st photo and also in her expressionistic form in the  last two photos) on the nose.

Learning Experiences

I. This is post 12 of 15 that are due for my blog along. I’m just typing that out so I can get how many posts I need to catch up on to make my 30 posts in 30 days.

II. Monday, I went to my first pottery class. I have to admit that I had a few difficult moments because the instructor seemed a little whelmed and occasionally slightly exasperated. I was really struggling with centering and opening because these techniques were demonstrated from about 15 feet away and I am half-blind (literally), so it was hard to see hand positions, etc. I did my best on my own, but did eventually have to ask for some one-on-one guidance (which, while hard for me to ask for, is included in the price of the class).

III. So, anyway, at one point after assisting me, he said to someone across the room that “high energy people” tend to have difficulty with throwing pottery because it’s “so zen” and I started having bad feels about myself, because, yo. I am high energy. I am enthusiastic. I am excitable, and I love to learn. I was giggly and upbeat and totally into it even when I was making flop after flop and getting mud everywhere including my hair, all over my clothes, and on the floor around me. I was in full-on happy child mode which is exactly what I’d hoped to get out of the experience, so I’m not going to lie. This commentary, even if it wasn’t directed at me, stung a bit butandalso being in that state is extremely vulnerable for me so I could very well have been misreading/projecting. 

Butandalso…

III. The owner stopped by my station at one point and was the absolute opposite experience for me. Zero sense of his being whelmed or impatient. Helped me figure out what I was doing right and what I was doing wrong. Demonstrated alternative hand positions since I was struggling with the ones I’d been shown initially. Absolutely oozed kindness. Left me feeling empowered. Inner kid felt a lot better after that encounter, and you know what? That says a lot about the quality of these two teaching styles.

Let me always strive to provide the latter kind of experience for my students. Let me always check in with myself before I teach to ensure that I am not whelmed or impatient because our inner kids show up to these classes and it is way too easy for them to misinterpret an instructor’s state as being our fault somehow.

DULY NOTED ALSO THAT I CAN TURN ANYTHING INTO A LEARNING EXPERIENCE.

IV. Despite the mixed feelings, I didn’t let it ruin my night, and ultimately, after I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this guy wasn’t “doing me a favour” by instructing me – I paid for this instruction – I had a fucking blast, and over the course of the last two days (yes, this experience has taken up some bandwidth in my traumatized brainmeats for sure) I’ve concluded that if my enthusiasm makes me a difficult student or if I’m not “zen enough” for this particular instructor, or if learning will be harder for me because I’m not a quiet little mouse of a zen potter, well, I can live with that.

I walked home after class absolutely covered in clay. I’ve picked up a twelve-pack of bar towels and two aprons because your girl is a VERY MESSY POTTER.

V. Speaking of teacher/student experience, I am taking a beginner’s drawing class (truly for beginners) from New Master’s Academy and in the introduction to the fundamentals course, the instructor talked about thinking of the part of ourselves that wants to learn to draw as a wee soul fragment to whom we must be extraordinarily kind and with whom we should be extraordinarily gentle. My whole body melted and I felt super relaxed and inspired and this amazing teacher will get all my money from now all based on that one little pep talk – one that my students know I give all the time. Thank you Steve Huston. You are a lovely human.

And that’s all I’ve got for now because I’m saving some thoughts for later as I attempt to catch up on my Artfully Wild Blog Along where I’m blogging every day (ish) in September. You are welcome to join me. 

New Horizons

OH HEY I’M ABOUT TO GO TO POTTERY CLASS.

*So Excite*

Meanwhile, today was like this:

And just look at this glorious background!

And here’s me all shined up like a new penny and ready to go out into the world to do something exciting and new!

YES THAT IS MY SUPER STOKED EXCITED FACE!

I’ll report back in tomorrow. xo

I Think I’m Out Of The Woods

I. I skipped posting yesterday because I was eyeballs deep in finishing up a thing that was due for the Life Book 2022 Taster Sessions. It’s all done now and I can take today to breathe and recenter before diving into everything else that needs to be done between now and the end of September.

Y’all, I had so much fun creating this even though I was feeling the time crunch. The first spread was done during a Journal Jam demonstration. The second spread was done on the “palette page” that got created during the Jam. I am so pleased with both.

II. It was a fun Saturday night. Lee messaged at around 2 to ask “What are you doing tonight?” to which I replied “WATCHING BSG WITH YOU!”

He headed straight over with subs for us for dinner and though we were both full of the tireds and the yawns, we sat up ’till just after midnight watching the last few episodes in Season Two of Battlestar Gallactica. SO GOOD.

These dogs just absolutely love him. At one point he had all three of the furbabes *on his person*. Whenever he comes over, that’s it. I don’t exist anymore. It’s all about Lee.

III. I got up this morning and while I was making coffee, I somehow knocked a wine glass off the counter directly onto my foot. It broke as it landed and nicked me, so the day started out with broken glass, blood, and bandaids. Nooooooooooo! BEFORE COFFEE EVEN!

Oh well. It’s all cleaned up now. Onward.

IV. I have to clean my kitchen today, but other than that, I’m taking the day off to putter and parallel play with friends over Zoom. I’m hoping to have something to show for it so I can get one more post in for today. I also want to pop in on my bloggers and see what they’re up to at some point as well!

V. It’s muggy. I hate muggy.

VI. GG and I had coffee this morning and I’m happy to report that he’s doing really well. He finished training yesterday and starts in his official capacity today and he’s grateful and in good spirits, which means I’m also grateful and in good spirits.

VII. OH OH OH!!! I start pottery classes tomorrow. YES! I am so excited!!! It’s a four-week beginner’s workshop in throwing on the wheel, which has been on my bucket list since I was in junior high! I hope I don’t suck at it!

The studio I’m taking the classes in has COVID protocols in place, so I’m feeling safe-ish. If I like this four-week experience, I’ll sign up for the intermediate workshop and so on. This could lead to studio membership and a hobby that *isn’t work-related* and that thought just *thrills* me.

Wish me luck?! I’ll keep you posted.

VIII. I have political burnout. I watched the debates. I don’t trust anyone. I’m annoyed that an election was called – resentful about it. And I’m trying to muster up some fucks to give, but lo, my field of fucks is fallow.

Still. I’ll vote NDP because if you don’t vote, you can’t whine and I like whining.

IX. I still think about him every day. Maybe I always will. I dunno. But I’m not letting that stop me from doing everything I can to enjoy this one wild, precious life I’ve got. If I learned anything from him, it is that waiting around for the things you really want is no way to live. Spending your life wishing things were different is a crushing waste of time. If you want things to be different, make them different. Ovary up. Grab life by the balls. Do the things.

So I’m doing the things. It isn’t easy, but it feels healthy and I’m ready.

X. I didn’t know if I’d make it through this one. I really didn’t, but we’re a year out now and it appears I have found my way out of the woods. *Fingers crossed*. I’ll keep you posted.

The “Ber” Months

I’m going to get this in before my will to Internet slips away. ;)

I. Kimi is coming over for a glass of wine on the lawn, and I spent all day writing to people to ask them if they want to do a thing with me next year AND I painted AND I edited AND I fed myself and the furbabes AND I napped (but it was one of those bad dream naps that I *hate* so now I’m sitting here wishing I hadn’t napped) AND I watched a video on painting watercolour portraits that *didn’t* make me feel deflated.

AND I am exhausted now.

II. But I miss Kimi’s face so we will get caught up and then I will send her home and I will throw myself in a tub of hot scented water to soak away the knots in my shoulders that come from sitting in front of the computer for way to long.

III. Every year I forget what the “ber” months of September, October, November, and December are like when you run year long programs. They are intense. They are hard work. They are a little omgdoom.

But then I get letters from people saying “I was hoping you’d ask!” or “I saved a spot in my calendar for you!” or “I love what you do! Of course, I want to come along!” and that makes the whole damned thing worth it.

IV. I’ve almost got the Journal Jam Retreat formatted as a teacher assisted self-paced thing. LOOK AT THESE CARDS.

And that’s it for me for today.

I’ll see you tomorrow..