This Week Was A Bear

I am just now feeling like I’m ‘back’ from fest. This is a thing that happens every time I go. Re-entry is a bear. Some of it is about unpacking, laundry, etc., but most of it is the deeply felt difference between being in fest space and being in the ‘real world’. It takes time to make the transition. Lots of naps. Self-care. We fest goers call it ‘fest head’ or the ‘post fest crash’. I call it a pain in the ass. It didn’t help that this particular fest was full of lessons – about being an adult child of an alcoholic, and how that set me up to be long-suffering when I shouldn’t be, about my feelings about my father’s death, about how much I love my community, about what I would kill or die for. But discomfort of the kind I experienced last weekend is the good kind. It’s the grow me the fuck up kind. It’s worth experiencing, so I’ll take it.

This week has been a bear. I’m not going to lie.

White supremacy is being uncovered and challenged in all of my spaces. It’s very uncomfortable. I witness people i respect (ed) behave in ways that I find deplorable, and i feel convicted to act upon that data. Disconnect. Remove my support. My discomfort, however, is nothing compared to what women of colour experience every damned day. It’s just a little uncomfortable. My life is not in danger. I can choose, because I have privilege, to unplug, to focus on other things. And in the name of self-care, I do. I dance in. I dance back. The colour of my skin makes that possible and I *did not earn that one little bit*.

I try to remember that every day.

I have a lot of work to do around racism, because I’m white, and I was raised in this. It’s up to me to dismantle my own racism, to uncover and deconstruct the role I play in the oppression of women of colour, to disavow the trickle down effect of patriarchy, to ensure that my feminism is intersectional.

It’s up to me to shut up and listen. It’s up to me to go white on white when I see someone in my circle doing harm. I’m afraid of doing it wrong, but if I’ve learned anything over the last week it’s that doing nothing is far worse than doing it wrong. At least if I do it wrong, I have an opportunity to learn how to do it right. If I put myself out there, I am in a position to be called out or called in.

And I want that. If I fuck up, I want you to call me out, and if you call me out and I don’t fix it, I want you to burn my shit down. If you see me putting what’s right for business before *what’s right*, I want you to point your finger at me, and say “Uh, no, Effy. Wrong way. Missing the mark. Course correct.” I want you to hold me to it.

I’m lucky to have amazing women of colour in my life & social media feed. They are brilliant teachers, and they take on enormous amounts of emotional labor every damned day.  Alexis. Leesa.  Staci. Layla. Schooling me. Every day. Full of grace AND righteous anger. Clear voices in the unveiling of what’s been true for time eternal. My teachers. I’m listening. I want to be a part of the solution. I’m willing to fuck up royally. I’m willing to stand in the fire so I can have my own blindness illuminated.

But the week wasn’t all hard or uncomfortable. Here are some highlights.

Wednesday, I went to see Bladerunner 2049 with my bestie. It was EPIC. I hadn’t seen him since the Wednesday before since he took off to New York on Thursday, and didn’t return till Tuesday. We went for our usual drive. I got to turn some of what happened over the weekend inside out with him as my faithful, gentle witness. We did pre-movie dinner. Held hands some. Drove home in awestruck silence.

Thursday, I had pints with girlfriends. Soul nourishing. I wasn’t *quite* ready for that much social, but I managed a few hours of ‘pants on, inside voice off’ before Stacey dropped me home so I could cocoon a bit more.

Friday, I *finally* got everything that needed doing done AND I cooked a gorgeous feast of coconut chicken curry. Watched four episodes of Star Trek: Discovery with my bestie. We’re in love with it, and can’t wait for more.

Yesterday was all work, all day, filming for a lesson that’s due out on Monday.

This is definitely worthy of Sunday Swoon. I painted that! Me! It’s a scarlet ibis, and it is *identifiably a scarlet ibis*! *Swoon!* It was my response to drawing The Star card in the tarot. The draw led me down a rabbit hole of symbols, and this is where I landed. Among the stars.

Happiness.

And that’s me for now.

Quiet inside. Coming back to earth. Listening. Deeply. Loving what I love.

Sunday Swoon

My very favourite kind of spread is the kind that grows over a period of days. I come back to it over and over again, adding little bits and bobs of things, spending as much time as I have each day until it’s done. The above is an example of the kind of thing that happens when I do that. These spreads grow very organically, and despite the disparate elements and sentiments, they always seem to come together in an interesting and cohesive whole.

I rock this kind of spread. *Pats self on back*.

In Other News

Please join me live today at 3 p.m. EST on YouTube for a casual free class + gathering. You never know! I may break into song! :)
 
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If you’re doing Sunday Swoon with me, make a blog post or comment below about what you did this week that you’re proud of. <3
xo
Effy

Sunday Swoon

Sunday Swoon is a series here on my blog where I share something I’m proud of. It’s an exercise in self-care to notice where I’m doing well, or what I’m awesome at or proud of, so I aim to do it at least once a week.

You’re invited to join me, either by grabbing the button (left) and sharing on your own blog (with a link back here if you like!), by sharing on social media with the hashtag #showoffyourshiny, or by commenting below.

This week’s swoon worthy shiny thing is a spread I did for Mixed Tape II. I broke this eight week session of Mixed Tape up into themed weeks, and this week’s theme is “Hopelessly Devoted”. My intention was to demonstrate shrine making in the journal by honouring one of my favourite musical artists, Stevie Nicks.

This was a super fun spread to create. A limited palette and some funky hand drawn fonts always make me swoon.

In Other News

Yesterday, I had the kids over for dinner – soup, of course, because SOUP. I made a clear (as opposed to creamed) potato bacon with leeks, which was delicious. Lots of pepper & herbs Provence. We devoured it with a delicious loaf the kids brought over from the market.

I *thought* there was a PowWow today, but I read things wrong, and it was actually yesterday. SO DISAPPOINTED! I’m being taken out for brunch as a consolation because Hollandaise sauce makes everything better.

Later this evening, I’m heading out to a gathering of friends with the guy I’m seeing, and tomorrow, it’s back to my regularly scheduled programming.

I hope you had a gorgeous weekend, and that you have something swoon worthy to share.

xo
Effy

P.S. Here’s one of my favourite Stevie songs. It’s not her best known by far, but the lyrics really move me.

Today’s Nudge: Share something you’re proud of.

There’s a bunch of us blogging along in September. Find out more here, or pop your email address in the box below, and I’ll send you a nudge to blog every day along with a link to my daily writings.


Looking for accountability partners, other blogs to read, or eyes on your work? How about all three? Join us today in the Artfully Wild Blogalong Facebook Group.

P.S. LIFE BOOK 2018 is open for registration, y’all! Early Bird ends December 31st, so get it while you can!

 

 

 

 

Sunday Swoon

Once upon a time, I tried to get a community project going called “Sunday Swoon”. It was meant to be a showcase of the things that made us super chuffed and proud. Once a week, show off your shiny.

It didn’t land. At the time, I didn’t get why, but I think I’ve figured it out.

We are not accustomed to, nor really ever encouraged to toot our own horns. If we do say “I’m proud of this”, there is probably a little voice in our heads (mine sounds like my mother) saying “You’re getting too big for your britches.”

If we do exclaim about something we did that rocks, we are prone to minimizing it. “I made this, but it sucks.” or “I did this thing, but it’s no big deal.” You know this is true. You’ve done this yourself. I know you have.

On Fridays, when I’m not hosting a blog along, I do something called “Friday Five”. It is a curated collection of things that are delighting me. Sometimes I include *my own things* in that list, because some of the things I do delight me. But. I will often find myself feeling a little touch uncomfortable about it. Like, I can brag, but only so much before my conditioning kicks in.

I am very interested in shame busting (my own, and yours) & make a practice of being as puffed up and proud as I am *entitled to be*. It’s part of my recovery from childhood abuse, and low self-esteem. It might seem like I’m arrogant or full of ego, but this is actually an antidote to the opposite issue. I, like many survivours of child abuse, have a core of self-loathing that is very difficult to identify and root out.

So, I’m going to bring back Sunday Swoon. Even if no one ever participates. Because, listen. We deserve our own props. We have earned the right to say “I’m proud of this thing. I did this thing I love. I am awesome.” I know I’ve earned that right. And doing it, out loud, in a very sort of public way is very healing & revealing. What am I tempted to brag about in a *falsely humble way*? How can I nip that in the bud. What am I disclaiming or minimizing? How can I just say “I rocked this” without being overwhelmed with the ‘who do you think you are’ voices in my head.

I did a lot of work on this in a session of Seven Sins with Renee Magnusson. I got stuck on one of the sins (wrath, that tricksy sin!), so I’ll be repeating it in the next round. The tour starts with pride, and the work I did in that one section of this seven section tour was *incredibly revealing*. I used to disclaim so much, you know? People would say I was so strong, and I’d say “well, I had no choice.” Yeah, I did. I totally did. I *am* strong, so now when someone says “You’re so strong!” I say *THANK YOU*. Period. End of.

Anyway, you might want to look at the tour if you feel called to root out some of the ways you deny yourself the right to *exist* on the planet.

In celebration of my newfound love of being prideful as fuck, I am going to dust off this pretty graphic, and I’m going to swoon *over myself*. I invite you to do the same. Every Sunday. Share something (either in your own spaces, or here in the comments, if that feels safer) that you did that you are happy about, proud of, impressed with, etc.

This Sunday’s Shiny

I made this. Isn’t it gorgeous?

See? It’s that easy.

Your turn.

xo
Effy

Today’s Nudge: Show off without apologizing.
Optional nudge: Start a blog series that you can commit to updating regularly that will help you build your community.

There’s a bunch of us blogging along in September. Find out more here, or pop your email address in the box below, and I’ll send you a nudge to blog every day along with a link to my daily writings.


Looking for accountability partners, other blogs to read, or eyes on your work? How about all three? Join us today in the Artfully Wild Blogalong Facebook Group.

P.S. LIFE BOOK 2018 is open for registration, y’all! Early Bird ends December 31st, so get it while you can!