Oh HI FAM it’s been a while. There are reasons for that, so let me do a bit of what I like to call a purse dump, which is basically a listicle of things that are going.
- I am 121 days sober as of today, and that part of my life is actually a lot easier than I thought. I love being clear and unaltered. I love being reflective and non-reactive. I love being able to press pause in any given moment and sit with what I’m feeling before I make a move.
- I am broke. This is frustrating, but this is also what happens when one’s life will not stop lifing long enough for one to market and open programs. I’m living off my credit at the moment, and while that is terrifying, I have a lot of optimism that things will get better.
- My middle kid is in the middle of a psychotic break. He lives several thousand miles from me and there’s nothing I can do but hope someone who loves him catches him in this freefall and gets him the help he needs. This is the “life lifing” part of this equation since I’ve been doing a lot of talking people off ledges and arguing with people about the reality of cannabis psychosis WHICH IS A REAL THING Y’ALL. This is deeply personal and painful and stressful and I am terrified every moment of every day, but I did hear from him yesterday and he has gotten back on meds, so my hope is that he will return to lucidity and reality soon.
- I am ok. Truly. But I have a list of complaints that I’d like to lodge with the manager including that my vision is so bad that it is very difficult to type up content of any kind without giving myself a headache. If you’re new here, let me give you some context: I have cataracts so bad that I am completely blind in my left eye and legally blind in my right. I can paint because I can stick my face two inches from whatever I’m working on but reading and writing text on screens is really difficult no matter how big I make the font. My eyes simply can’t focus well enough. My eyes are constantly fatigued, and I’m carving deep elevens in my forehead what with all the squinting and scowling. My surgery is scheduled in July of 2025 for the left eye and August of 2025 for the right eye. If I had ten grand, I could probably get it done at a private clinic, but I don’t have ten grand, so we wait.
- Despite the GG thing and the blindness thing, I am in good spirits. Some people have side eyed me for this. Like, how can she be so upbeat when her kid is wandering around the arctic in a psychotic state? How can she smile at all? Ten years of therapy, that’s how. Ten years of learning how to hold what’s mine to hold and release what isn’t. Ten years of getting solid boundaries in place and learning how to self-soothe and self-regulate. Also, I’ve been sober for 121 days and that has helped enormously because where I’d be sent spinning into a reactive tizzy by the least inconvenience while I was still drinking, sober me knows how to feel the thing as it happens, discharge it using all the skills in my tool box (journaling, art, talking about it in safe spaces), pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with the next thing in front of me.
- It is shocking to me that this year is almost over. WHAT IS TIME ANYMORE ANYWAY?
- In the realm of grief and loss and sorrow and anger about ex friends and lovers, in the words of Taylor Swift, I am finally “Clean”.
- I’ve sold about $1200 worth of art this year and that’s $1200 more than I sold last year so that’s exciting and gives me incentive to keep working on canvas.
- I’m planning a depth year in portraiture. I’ll be doing Let’s Face It*, which is hosted by Kara Bullock (a fellow Canadian who I adore) and I’m really excited about it. You should check it out if faces are your thing!
- Despite everything that’s been going on (cacklesobs), I am caught up on all work that was due for collaborative e-courses this year and I am so relieved I could cry.
- I haven’t opened registration for the programs I’ll be teaching in 2025 because LIFE KEEPS LIFING. OMGDOOM.
- That being said, I do have a free network wide “Samhain Day With The Art Witch” upcoming on November 1st, and it is FREE!
- I’m currently enrolled in a four week hand building class and last week I learned a new way to pinch and coil. I am SO INSPIRED. Look at this adorable pinched pot:
- This is Paul, one of my favourite humans and my hand building pottery teacher.
- I can’t wait to see this pot clear glazed and fired:
- Signing up for hand building was my response to the way GG’s stuff was making me think things like “I should just go get a double shot of Jameson’s at Joe’s. No one will know.” That thought was immediately followed by me yelling at myself “SELF! I WILL KNOW!” and then I made sure I had something else to do that wasn’t going for a double at Joe’s.
- I’m starting to believe I can handle anything. Seriously. I’m resilient af. I am a boss.
- I used to (and by “used to” I mean as recently as last week) think that giving myself props for the shit I do well or handle well was a “Narcissistic trait”. I got shit from my students for saying that because the truth is, that’s *healthy* and not at all narcissistic. I have my family of origin to thank for the self-denigration that goes on when I talk nicely to and about myself. I grew up with a lot of “Who do you think you are” and “You’re too big for your britches” type messaging (along with emotional, physical, and sexual violence), so it is NO WONDER I offer a disclaimer every time I tell you that I am fucking awesome at a thing, but that is ebbing. I am fucking awesome. Full stop. Was I always? No. Am I perfect? Oh, hell no! But I’m also not who they told me I was or raised me to be.
- They recently threatened to have my website taken down if I talk about them, which would be great because I’d love to see them dox themselves in a futile effort to cause me further harm.
- HI MOM! Thanks for being the reason I felt like shit about myself for 56 years! Thanks for not protecting me when I was being r-worded by your boyfriend and abused by your husbands! You made me who I am today by showing me exactly who I do not wish to be.
- I am all over TikTok right now because I love it and I build my FYP brick by brick so that it’s a beautiful combination of things I really need to know about (politics, world events, social justice, autism, adhd, trauma recovery, C-PTSD) and things I really want to know about (what your dog did today, all the Taylor Swift & Fleetwood Mac easter eggs, Witchtok, Booktok, Sobertok, Arttok, etc.).
- If you’re looking for me over there, note that I have already been cloned a few times, so make sure you’re actually following me and not a bot. (No, I won’t link my profile here for obvious reasons.)
- Forgiveness is something I’m working on for the sake of my own mental and emotional well-being, but I’m not there yet and I won’t force myself to pretend I am.
I think that should cover it for now, though it doesn’t really even begin. I am hoping this purse dump will clear the way for regular posts that stick to one topic, but if you know me at all, you know that’s not likely. *Gigglesnort*
I just wanted you to know, this is me trying. At least I’m trying.
