I. In coffee convo with my muppet this morning. A thing we agreed on because we both have these kinds of people and this kind of grief in our lives:
“Garbage human being, yes, but *MY* garbage human being!”
We grieve garbage people because we love them. We do not love that they are garbage. We love them despite the fact that they are garbage. That makes us the opposite of garbabe people.
II. I know “garbage” is a harsh word, but those of us who have trauma because people can’t be decent human beings need words to describe the depravity, the lack of conscience, the self-absorption, the duplicitousness, the treacherousness, the fecklessness of the people who have done us harm and “garbage” sums it up.
Give us space to feel our feels so we can come back to grace. Don’t expect us to have grace for truly garbage people. Some people are garbage.
III. The vast majority of the people I know are not garbage. I do love some garbage people. It’s a hard habit to break, but I’m working on it. It is weird to love someone you *know is a totally garbage (read: harmful, dishonest, shady, self-absorbed, mean-spirited, misanthropic, racist, transphobic, misogynistic, rapey, harmful) human being. It can stir up shame. But listen.
Good humans are wired to love.
We love even those who are wired otherwise, whether by nature or by nurture. We love them because we filter them through our own understanding of what it is to be human, and their inability to show up as goodly humans is so foreign to us that we choose to disbelieve our own experience. We can’t believe our own eyes, our own ears, the truth being whispered in our tender hearts, so we don’t.
That’s not a character defect. That’s a survival tactic. It is wholesome as fuck that we love those who cannot show up in love.
Allowing them to continue to harm us, though? That is the thing that needs to be nipped in the motherfucking bud.
Learn to love garbage people (if you must, and most of us must) from a distance that does not put you in harm’s way.
V. I painted live with my witches today and it was super powerful. I got to speak to some magic I did a couple of years ago that has come into full flower (letting go of garbage humans without it being searingly painful). I also got to speak to some magic I did last new moon (seeing love where it *actually is* in my life and calling it in). It was a powerful session.
It is “pinned” which means that I have shut down the portal for this working with the option to open it up again on the actual full moon in Scorpio on April 26th. I plan to write (either in black so it is hidden or in code) about the times I embraced uncertainty and was met with blessings. The painting is a celebration of my own ability to welcome the role of the mystery (or The Mystery) in my life.
Also, I love pomegranates so there’s that.
VI. Some garbage human beings don’t stay garbage. Some change. I’ve seen it.
VII. But….most of them don’t change, and the INFJ door slam is sometimes a perfectly healthy and reasonable response.
VIII. I am fully embracing my ability to smile and nod and refuse to do The Relationship Autopsy because my emotional bandwidth is now reserved for what lives, not what has already died. If you need an autopsy, that’s fine. I’ll show up upon request, but I no longer believe in closure. I no longer believe in “understanding why”. I believe in doing whatever I need to do to get myself clear of whatever harm is being done, and I believe in going where the truth lives.
The truth comes with laughter, empathy, shared secrets that harm none, snatching each other and ourselves when we’re on the wrong road, pleasure, loyalty – both to self and other – and devotion.
It doesn’t live in deception, manipulation, gaslighting, subtext, projection, or bypassing.
All of the above? Garbage.
Denial is not garbage. It is a survival tactic that I am intimate with. It is not *harm done on purpose*. It is avoidance of harm.
It’s the on-purpose stuff that makes garbage.
I’m not here for *waves at all of that*.
IX. That being said, I’m not here to take out *your* garbage, either which is why I’m no longer interested in the autopsy. I’m here to recognize and take out my own garbage.
I. Yesterday, I tossed two wet teabags into the paper bag I had sitting on my kitchen table – the one that was holding all the little bits and bobs of garbage I was tossing into it as I went about the business of clawing my kitchen back from the chaos that happens when I am not feeling well. Then, when I was finished filling it and lifted it to transfer it into a proper receptacle, the bottom broke. Garbage everywhere.
When I pressed the coffee, it exploded all over me & the counter & the floor that I had JUST CLEANED BECAUSE GARBAGE EXPLOSION.
When I was cleaning up the floor, I smashed my head on the underside of the counter.
All of this happened as I was listening to the news from the night before – news about vaccine delays and other fuckery.
And then I started laughing, because what else are you going to do?
II. The day did get better. I forced myself to go to bed with the furfaces who decided to attach themselves to my body for the duration of the day/night. There was one point at which I’d had enough of all the body heat they were generating and said “C’mon, y’all! Give me some personal space!” I got up to refill my glass, and when I returned to my spot, they just glomped right back on me in exactly the same position they were before – Sybil in my lap, Salem at my knee, and Sookie along my left thigh.
I don’t know if they needed me or if I needed them, but whatever. I settled in and picked up what they were putting down, which was “Rest, mama. Be still. Breathe.”
III. This happened:
I laughed so much over this, y’all. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t catch my breath.
Only in Canada.
IV. Today I will throw a riot of colour at a 9 x 12 piece of watercolour paper, but not until I’ve had coffee with Renee, eaten something (eggs and toast with some beans and sliced tomatoes, I think), and washed my brushes. I have a thing that’s late because of the back pain & the total refusal to push myself beyond my own limits. I’ll make up for it today, and now that I’ve wrapped my head around what I want to do, I’m really looking forward to it.
V. April in Canada. It was super warm for a couple of days there, and now there’s a chance of snow today and tomorrow. I turned the AC off and the heat back on. We tend to get two false springs before the real thing comes on here in Southwestern Ontario, so I’m used to it, but it does feel a little like mother nature is teasing me.
VI. I found out yesterday that the fantasy fiction writing thing I’m doing *does* have replays available so that’ll be a project for this weekend once I get the work stuff squared away.
VII. I’m really reaching today because *waves at all the sameness* but that’s ok. Ticking “blog” off my list will feel good since it is a commitment I’ve made to myself and sometimes self-loyalty looks like slogging through a thing because you’ve made a commitment to yourself.
VIII. Subtext. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. If I have to guess what’s going on, well, I just won’t anymore. I no longer pursue understanding. I figure if I’m not being told, it’s none of my business. I’ll take what’s offered freely and full-throatedly while I offer the same. I don’t want to have to puzzle out my connections. I don’t want to have to read between the lines.
I feel like sometimes people set you up to do this because they want to feel like they matter. I get that, but it’s too much to ask right now, you know? Do you want to be in my life? Awesome. If you need me to come in after you and beg you to stay, I’m not your huckleberry. The 2020s have taken any desire for anything that isn’t easily and rightfully mine right out of me.
If I have to fight for it, I’m not interested. I’m too tired.
This is new. I like it.
I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook
I. Yesterday was Art Winos and instead of busting out the art journal, I busted out my new make-up brushes and mirror and palettes and did this:
It was so interesting how I responded to seeing myself with a full face. I kept asking my girlfriends if it was too much (they said no). My eyebrows were especially alarming to me. *Lol!*
But, I felt pretty and I really enjoyed the process. I put foundation on WITH A BRUSH. It was COOL. There are three colors of eyeshadow on my lids!
I skipped liner because I am blind in my left eye and I didn’t want to struggle with something pointy.
II. I also did this:
My toes are also done in that slick black, and the whole affair left me feeling like this:
III. In other self-care news I finally succumbed to all the ads in my various feeds for Galaxy Projectors and there is one on the way. I am so excited! I got this one.
I am imagining having friends over for a pajama party (when we can do that) getting really high, listening to something psychedelic, and watching my ceiling.
Fuck off pandemic. I have plans.
IV. Speaking of which, I was talking to a friend last night and I started musing about how fun it would be to refurbish a school bus and travel all over North America for months at a time, stopping in on friends and teaching workshops along the way. I have no idea where that came from, but I found it interesting that I was dreaming outlandishly without anxiety. That signals some deep healing, I think.
How fun would that be, though? I could even slide right on down into Mexico and eat fish tacos on the beach.
Again. Fuck off pandemic.
V. Only 27 cases in London, Ontario today. The lockdown is working.
VI. I am having one of those days where I keep thinking I’m behind in all the things, but I am in fact right on time with all the things. I spent the morning URGENTLY WORKING ON ALL THE THINGS only to realize that I have *eight whole days* to finishing everything up in time for February 1st.
This is happening because September, October, November, & December were a slog through depression and everything took hours and hours longer to complete than I’m used to. Suddenly, I am working at my normal speed again, and lo. That is very, very good.
VI. Today I am making yet another chicken soup. The bacon potato and leek soup will be divvied up between Kimi, Alli & me, and then I will stock my fridge with a yummy chicken minestrone.
I accomplished this by ordering a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store, eating my fill of it, and then using the carcass to make a very rich reduced stock, which I split in two. I usually fortify these stocks up with some Better Than Boullion and a metric fuck tonne of herbs, and they are always absolutely yummy.
VII. I think I might set up Zoom cooking dates with my daughter so I can teach her how to make Mama’s Borscht and whatever other things she’d like me to teach her how to cook. This idea pleases me. I could send her the recipe in advance so she can go get ingredients and then we can meet up and cook together.
I’m going to run that by her. I bet it would be fun.
Of course, I’d rather just have her show up here for a month so we can cook all the things together in person, but that’s not going to be possible any time soon, so Zoom it is. AND THEN FOR HER FINAL EXAM SHE CAN COME HERE AND MAKE ALL THE THINGS FOR ME.
Oh, I love this plan.
VIII. Even though my hair is a bit of a mess due to a lack of trims over the last year, it is longer than it’s ever been since my early childhood and I am loving it. I can’t wear it down because it just sort of sits there doing nothing, but when I put it up, it’s all bouncy and feminine and flirty and pretty. See above photos for proof.
Sometimes I feel a little like I’m aging in reverse, but then I take a closer look and I realize that, no, I just look *more alive* than I did before. Whatever. I’ll take it.
IX. I had a little cry yesterday and it was so full of love and empathy and forgiveness for all concerned, and I think that also signals that I’ve done some deep healing.
When I think of you lately, I mostly smile. Sometimes I flip you the bird, but mostly, I smile. I knew I’d get here. I’m grateful I have arrived.
I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. *Flicks Zippo*
X. The content for February’s Moonshine is INCREDIBLE and includes a sugar jar spell for the coven’s egregore, stories told by Brian Walsh, instruction in pathworking with stories, and instruction in mining your own stories for personal ‘heroine journeys’. And that’s ON TOP of all the other stuff we’re going to cover.
If you’re reading this, and you want to sign up, use coupon code covenup here.
That little fella up in the upper left hand corner is our mascot for the year. He is there to remind us all to embrace our inner corvid and pick up those practices and modalities that are most alive for us (OH SHINY!) while we leave the rest. I love how raggedy he is.
Trigger alert for mature themes including child abuse, and trauma response.
I. So, there I am, sitting in my studio in a Zoom room with my therapist (bless her for offering virtual sessions), and I’m recounting the parts of my weekend that feel relevant. I move from one story to the next with a wave of my hands and an ‘anyway’ as usual, and then circle back to another part of my weekend, and she stops me, because when I was telling story A, I did something with my hands that I stopped doing when I was telling story B, but that I then repeated when I was telling story C.
She tells me what I was doing – a totally subconscious thing where I’m scratching the pads of the fingers on my left hand with my left thumbnail. She demonstrated the action for me, and then asked me to repeat the action, to slow it down, and to check in with myself about what comes up.
II. I’ve been doing the teeniest tiniest bit of Somatic Experiencing with her for a little while now, so I know some of the things I should be paying attention to. Any pain. Any buzzing in my forehead. Anything to do with my vision, my heart rate, or how embodied I do or do not feel, but this unconscious action – this tiny little clue to the fact that we were dealing with a trauma response in both story A and story C would have completely escaped my attention, because, listen – when we’re telling our stories, we are not conscious of the signals we’re sending, but someone trained in SE *is* conscious. They are paying very close attention to every damned thing, even in our silence. This is why I’m finding it so valuable, because I can headspace myself back to some semblance of centred if I *know* what’s up, but I am not always going to know what’s up. What’s up is often buried under layers of self-protection. Having someone help with the dig is *crucial* to trauma recovery. Sure, some self-help is possible, but a pro is *needful*. I know that better than anyone.
III. So, I slow things down, and I begrudgingly repeat the motion, scratching the pads of my fingers with my thumbnail, and as I’m doing that, I catch myself doing it with the right hand, too. Something is definitely in there, I think, as I sit in silence while she watches me like a hawk. Something is in there, goddamn it. Here we go. And up it comes. Up it comes. And I am thirteen, and I am lying on my side in the bedroom in my father’s house. I’m facing the wall, and he is very, very drunk. I am curled up into a ball, my eyes wide open but unseeing. I am terrified. I know what’s coming.
His check came in, so he’s drunk a case of Molson’s. He’s feeling talkative, so he’s pulled a chair into my room, and is sitting at my bedside, waxing poetic at me while I pretend to sleep. He starts sweet like he always does. How glad he is that I came to live with him. How it’s changed his life, given him purpose.
And then it shifts to how much he hates my mother and how awful she was to him.
And then it shifts to how sexy my legs are and how much he wishes I wasn’t his daughter.
And then I start to sob, and beg him to leave me alone, and that trips the wire in him, and he starts to beat me about the back of the head and shoulders.
I fight back, like I remember my mother doing. When he’s drunk, he’s weak and sloppy and a few well-aimed punches and kicks will send him whimpering and limping away in due time…
He never remembers in the morning. He wonders out loud why he is so sore. Assumes it’s some kind of flu coming on, which gives him the perfect excuse to lay in bed and drink all day…
This happened to me for about a year, like clock work, whenever the check came in or someone else brought beer.
IV. I have no idea why this piece was stored as it was in the pads of my fingers, and I may never know, but I know that hanging out in that action in silence unlocked it. I always had this piece *cognitively* – this is not a case of ‘lost memories’ or anything like that. What I didn’t have was the piece where when people are drinking around me, some part of me is thirteen and lying on my side in bed in my father’s apartment, waiting for the words and blows to come raining on down all over my little body, If people are drinking around me and there is even a hint of darkness in them, that part of me goes into a powerful and confounding trauma response.
This is not the fault of the people drinking around me, and of course, no one around me is raining blows down on me these days – they wouldn’t dare – but that doesn’t matter. There is no feeling safe *at all* in a trauma response, especially when one is completely unaware that one is *in* a trauma response.
V. I have been bewildered over this for years. I know that I am incredibly reactive around people who are drinking. There are certain smells, tones of voice, body postures that *terrify me* in these moments, but because I didn’t have *this part of the piece* I didn’t know why or what to do with it. I just fucking spin, and cycle through flight, fight, freezing, and fawning. I, myself, go to a very dark, hopeless place when I’m around people who are drinking. There is rage in there. There is disgust. There is, above all else, though, terror.
And now I know why, and now I know how to take care of myself.
VI. SE has been the single most useful and also hardest therapeutic process I’ve ever undertaken. It feels a little like magic, like something shamanic is going on – like my therapist and I go in through the body in search of splintered off parts of self that have been imprisoned for decades, and once we find them, we bring them back to the now, with the safety that exists in the now, and the compassion that exists in the now. Soul retrieval. The real deal.
I will love myself in all my parts.
VII. I hesitated to share this because it is such a vulnerable thing to reveal. I don’t want the people in my life who enjoy their drink feeling in any way responsible for me or my reactions to it. I, too, love to imbibe. I party like a Canadian, eh? And that’s not going to stop. But I want you to know how powerful this process is in case it’s something you need, and I also want to be fully, deeply, truly known, so voila.
Keeping quiet about stuff like this in the name of ‘propriety’ feels like self-abuse at this point. That old self that would just shut up and smile, that would clench her fists and her jaw, but dare not say what is actually happening within her in the moment? She’s dead to me. What is true for me is true for me. It is no one’s responsibility but mine to deal with it, to heal it, but I deserve to be heard, witnessed, and known and loved in all my parts. All of them. Including this part where things that are happening around me can make me feel so unsafe that I am transported back to my thirteen year old body and my father’s apartment and his boozy stench and his fists.
VIII. Like most women I know, I have a laundry list of violations that have happened when alcohol was part of the equation. Some of them happened when I was very, very young, and some of them happened when I was a fully grown person and in possession of a powerful no. They *all* came up yesterday after therapy. All of them, like a movie I couldn’t pause. I jotted them down as they came up so I could have some sense of control over the flood, so I was okay, and I didn’t spin out into the horrids like I have before. It was manageable. I acknowledged each memory, and when they stopped coming, I washed my face and got on with my day.
And now I know.
These traumas (and all violations are traumatic) have been stored up in my body. I can be sitting there *thinking* I’m having a good time, or thinking completely useless things like “Why are you not okay right now? What the fuck is wrong with you?” but if I check in with my body in moments that in *any way resemble* any of those past moments, it will tell me OH HEY YOU ARE NOT SAFE, and it will tell me that through my heart rate, my emotional state, the way I’m interpreting and filtering what’s actually happening.
IX. I have this piece now. It is a huge piece, and it’s going to change everything, because when you know the situations that cause a trauma response in you, you can go in with your eyes open and your awareness completely attuned to whatever your body is trying to tell you. You can remind yourself that this *now* and you *are safe*, and you can do whatever it takes to ensure that you remain safe, and that you are responding to the truth of the moment.
X. C-PTSD fucking sucks, but I am bigger than it, and the work continues apace.
I believe there is enormous energy in our emotional states, and energy is power. It can be used destructively or constructively, or it can be suppressed. I’m a fan of the middle option. Use it. Constructively. When we vent the energy contained within our emotional states – especially the more challenging or difficult ones – without first working with that energy through some kind of creative action, I believe we are spending that energy unwisely. Venting feels good, and we feel like our needs have been met when we do it with safe people who feel with us, affirm us, validate us, and hold us in love, but sometimes that can actually allow us to bypass the part where we come to our own conclusions, or find our own solutions.
Here’s how using highly charged emotional states looks in my life:
If I’m experiencing a huge emotional charge, I like to tend it, privately, first. This is not about ‘sucking it up’ or being stoic. This is about building my sense of my own resilience. This is also about recognizing how powerful all that emotional energy is, and knowing that I can use that energy.
Usually, when I’m feeling something really big, it’s because I *want something*. I want an obstacle removed, or I want to feel at peace, or I want to feel like I matter, or I want to feel healed, or relieved or released.
When I merely vent, I am wasting an opportunity to use the energy I am using in the act of venting as spiritual energy that can actually help me get where I want to go.
Obviously, this isn’t always going to work. If I’m in *crisis* and I just *can’t* be alone with whatever I’m feeling, I will call on someone to be with me while I sort through it. Meatspace people (as opposed to virtual space or online people) are going to be my first option, because they bring touch – a hug, a held hand – but if a meatspace person isn’t available, I will write it out in a safe space and get the thing witnessed. Then, though, I will *do my work* with whatever is going on so that I am not just dependant on venting as my only way of dealing.
Once I come back to ‘centre’, I record what happened in my journal, or I art it out so that the energy I have leftover after venting can be used effectively and powerfully toward the attainment of my desires.
Your mileage may vary. :)
In BOD in May, we’re going to work with difficult or highly charged emotional states in the art journal so I can demonstrate how that works for me. I’m really looking forward to it. It’s a thing I have become kind of expert at over the years, since I’m often in a highly charged emotional state. Heh. :) It would be lovely to have you join us if you haven’t already.
IN OTHER NEWS
I want to end today off by letting you know that Art For Earth closes for registration at midnight PST. I have plunked both of my Facing Forward classes down in the bundle, and there are 75 other amazing offerings that you will not want to miss! There’s enough stuff in this collection to keep you busy for AGES and you’ll be getting over FOUR GRAND worth of classes for about a hundred bucks.
Over the years, as a way to correct what I’ve labeled a ‘self-care deficit’, I’ve embarked on a journey of self-care.
I started therapy with the question “Why can’t I feed myself breakfast, for fuck sakes. What’s wrong with me?” That was the tail end of Ariadne’s red thread into my own inner landscape. That thread has led to an increased ability to care for myself in all the ways one should *and* can. Not just the water/food/rest equation, but more. The flowers I buy myself on therapy days. The gifts of mindfulness – journaling, that early morning tarot draw to set the tone for the day, the intentional way I meet myself on the page. The choices that foster a soul-nourishing life, like the courses I invest in so I’m always on top of my teaching game, or the ones I buy so I’m always on top of my sense of self-possession.
But in all that self-care, there was a near violent steering away from other-care.
Imagine, if you will, a life in which needing others to show up was dangerous.
That is the life I’ve lived, and in this life where needing others to show up was *very, very fucking dangerous*, I became ever increasingly more self-reliant.
And that’s not a bad thing, my loves. Not at all, but when you (and by ‘you’, I mean ‘we’) are covering a deep desire for ‘other care’ with self-reliance, you can grow very, very weary of self-care. You can start to resent all the care you so carefully extend to yourself. And you can start to slip. You can let go of the nourishing practices that you’ve established, because you *get tired* of always doing for yourself what you *wish others would do for you*.
Real talk, babes. 100 percent.
Your journal is precious. The time you spend with yourself, exploring what is true for you is precious. The flowers you buy yourself, the little acts of tenderness toward the soft beast of your body are precious. The nail polish, the things you choose to adorn yourself with, the excellent food, the copious quantities of water…precious.
But all that self-care can’t take the place of those things that others do for you. They can’t replace the fiercely loving rage, expressed on your behalf, or the food prepared, and served to you at a table set with love. They don’t cover the way that one takes a moment to check in, or the other one arrives with your best interests at heart.
We need other people. We *need* them.
Self-reliance is a thing I am very, very fond of, but I have, over the years, grown *too* fond of it, because SAFETY.
Safety of this kind is isolating. It creates in me a refusal to accept what’s on offer from those who are offering out of a sense of *care*. When someone shows up with offers of *caring*, I get scared. I get resistant.
I can be in the darkest of dark moments and still, even now, say “Go home. Leave me alone.”
I can be in the loneliest, most dire need for human contact and say “I’m just fine, thanks. Let’s talk about you.”
Because, needing people has had a history of being unsafe. Needing people has, in my history, led to abandonment, ridicule, being taken advantage of…
Being raised by ill-equipped parents set me up for this, and so my ‘people chooser’ has always equated a traumatic or dramatic bond with love.
I’m learning how to choose otherwise.
In the last seventy-two hours, I have been:
Attended to when I was about to bite off more than I could chew.
Witnessed while I rage-sobbed. Handed glasses of water, tissues. Laughed with when the storm passed. Tucked into bed.
Told “I get it. I got you.” multiple times.
Fed. Taken for a drive. Heard.
Led by the loving hand of a friend (as in, this was not a romantic or sexual gesture – this was platonic and somehow more poignantly caring as a result) to a drawn bath strewn with lavender flowers. Offered candlelight, firelight, music, and whatever degree of conversation or solitude I needed from moment to moment.
Checked in on with “I know this is an anniversary for you. How are you?”
Told exactly why I matter.
These are the things I have always craved, and also the things I have always lacked, and here they are, arriving, like a migration of butterflies, gathering, like a murmuration of swallows, taking over my sky.
Other-care. A lot of it. And I’m letting it come. And I’m taking it in.
And I’m not just accepting whatever is offered. I’m asking for very specific things. Like “Oh, hey. Please read this collection of memories that are coming up right now so you can know.” and “I need a human. Would you please bring food and sit with me?”
Asking. Receiving. Noticing who shows up and who doesn’t. Noticing what special brand of caring each beloved has to offer. Accepting limitations with grace, but also setting boundaries accordingly. Having a life time of corrective experiences packed into the space of a weekend, and letting that flow into all my wounded places like cool, clear water.
Self-care matters. But the care you get from others also matters.
In the journey towards wholeness, it might matter even more.