Storytime

I. I watched the documentary series entitled “Q: Into The Storm” over the course of last week and WHOA. Fascinating. Everyone should watch it if they want to understand how the fuck QAnon happened, who is behind it, and how *creepy* it really is.

II. Mentioning it on Facebook led to the discovery of Qanon Anonymous – a fantastic podcast that is both hilarious and informative. I found it on Spotify and almost immediately signed up with them on Patreon. This is good stuff.

III. I spent yesterday in a relaxed state, slept well, and woke up this morning feeling refreshed. Got my newsletter sent out + the Darling Human note + read a bunch of blogs with my morning coffee. Now I’ve tossed a corned beef brisket into a pot to simmer all day so I can have it for dinner tonight. My studio is clean. My kitchen is clean. This feels really good.

IV. I’m going to paint today.

V. Storytime.

This train of thought was prompted by seeing this meme floating around Facebook:

I could make quite the list.

VI. I have some tender things on my mind about friendship and lineage and giving credit and the way I’ve seen some people mine other people’s content to pad their own. Renee and I talk about this fairly often because we’re both in a position where people get close to our work because they love what we do and then we find what we do cropping up in their stuff without any kind of acknowledgment of where it came from. It is disheartening, mostly because I don’t think people realize that they’re even doing it. There’s no way to address it without seeming like a fucking asshole, either.

Thankfully, there are those who integrate what we’ve offered and then make their own thing – things that are obviously their own – and even though those things are obviously their own, we find ourselves mentioned in the ‘credits’ in some way. That is beautiful, and that is where I prefer to spend my energy and attention. I have art teacher babies who started out in my classes and have now way surpassed me in terms of numbers, and I am *incredibly proud of them*. Without fail, you will hear them say things like “I got started on this journey with Effy Wild” or “Effy was a huge inspiration to me when I first started out.” or  “Effy was one of my first teachers” or “Effy is the OG Art WItch”.

This kind of acknowledgment makes me feel appreciated.

VII. I had a relationship very early on in my tenure as a teacher that totally fell apart once I realized that she wanted the benefit of my network more than she wanted my friendship. There was this weird period of time where I was paying her half of everything I earned through my network as part of our agreement, but she wasn’t signing in. She was totally absent. She had a million excuses about why, but it boiled down to this:

I was giving her half my income for nothing.

I girded my loins over time and pointed this out – that I couldn’t keep paying her if she wasn’t going to show up, that I got that she was going through a hard time, but I couldn’t subsidize that, butandalso that the friendship was way more important to me than the business partnership, and I wanted to find a way to work it out. She muttered that it was the opposite for her. She needed the money. The business mattered more.

Ooooof.

I was deeply hurt by this. Deeply. But I was not in a place at the time where I could respond in a healthy way – and yo, healthy would have been to say “Well, fuck off then because I am not a charity and I’m not here to pay you to do nothing just because we’re “friends”.”

I was sure I’d somehow brought this on myself. I didn’t like myself enough to stick up for myself. I guzzled a bottle of wine, cried a lot, and then, within a matter of a few months, while continuing to pay her for doing nothing, I started my own thing without her. When I started the new thing without her, and it became obvious that this thing was going to outpace the other thing financially, she blocked me on the socials and talked shit about me to anyone who would listen, even going so far as to “report me” to people I collaborate with.

Ooooooooooof.

It was hard not to take this personally, but in time, I started getting emails from people saying “Oh, hey! She did this same thing to <insert name here>.” Something about knowing that helped me move on from it, but it left a wariness in me that I haven’t shaken to this day.

VIII. When people get close to me through my work, I admit I wonder if they’re there for me, or if they’re there for my network or because they want to be associated with me because it gives them some kind of Effy Bump…

Do they want *me* in their lives or do they want what they can get out of being associated with me? Or some combination of both?

Tender, tender subject. No resolution at the moment. Just some honest grappling served up for your entertainment.

IX. Video chat with my Bean scheduled for this afternoon. I miss his little face so much and I can’t wait to see him and hear him bellow AWESOME MIMI! AWESOME!

X. My family is healing. Oh. My. Heart.

I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook

 

Pass It On

I. The news is all “dire dire emergency catastrophic apocalyptic do not leave your fucking house on pain of death” + the funeral of Prince Philip.

II. I watched the funeral and pretty much felt nothing but annoyance with the focus on the relationship between Harry and William + a deep kind of heartache for the Queen as she sat entirely alone. I’m not into the monarchy *at all* and think it is a deeply racist institution, but my heart went out to the *person* who lost her husband. I found myself thinking about my ex MIL, who died in July (I just found out a few weeks ago). She loved the Royals. I hope she gets to have tea and talk horses with him. I think she’d like that.

III. Afterward, I shook it all off and breathed myself back into the center – here in my world, in my life. I did the dishes and made myself the most comforting plate of food – a baked potato slathered in butter with leftover crabcake crumbled over it. I smothered that in melted cheese & served it with some full-fat sour cream and minced green onions and SHOVED IT IN MY FACE.

IV. Then I put my brushes in to soak, broke down all the cardboard, cleared off my kitchen table (which has become the kitchen’s equivalent of the chaircloset we all have in our bedrooms), swept the floors, tidied up the studio, regessoed the canvas board I use as a backdrop on my painty table, put down a little blanket for Sybil so she can stop depositing clumps of herself all over the duckcloth cover I have on said painty table (snerk), finished filming A Year Of Mary, edited all the videos, started putting together the PDF, and popped in here to blog.

V. I am a fucking rockstar.

VI. I posted this on Facebook, but I wanted to share it here:

I deeply appreciate this beautiful, vulnerable conversation about grief.

This kind of conversation, to me, feels like an antidote to toxic masculinity. Thanks, April, for sharing it.

Something about this day is making me very tender. Collective grief. Grappling with the goodness of individual humans vs. the racism of an institution. Empathy for the humans. Even some humans who have done me harm.

Not quite forgiveness, but some kind of shared understanding.

The moon in Cancer, though, so no surprise there.

VII. We’re in a lockier lockdown in Ontario until May 20th. I am feeling a weird kind of exhaustion mixed with no fucks given. I’m furious with Ford for giving police the go-ahead to stop people in the streets/on the roads to ask if they have the right to be there. I’m grateful to hear that most of the police forces in Ontario (including here in London) put out announcements to say they would not be doing that.

Mr. Ford, we do not need more police intervention, nor do we need parks closed. We need paid sick leave. We need you to listen to the medical advisors and do what *they* say. We need you to stop pandering to your base and do your fucking job.

VIII. Oops. I think I just stirred up a little pocket of fury there. Oh well.

IX. I have been so sedentary lately that the list of things I did above made my back ache something fierce. I am planning on throwing myself in a very hot tub of water with Epsom salts before popping two Robax and taking it easy for the rest of my Saturday.

X. I am okay. We’re going to be okay.

Pass it on.

P.S. Also this:

Be gentle with yourself, bebe. xo

 

 

#Goals

I. Yesterday, I tossed two wet teabags into the paper bag I had sitting on my kitchen table – the one that was holding all the little bits and bobs of garbage I was tossing into it as I went about the business of clawing my kitchen back from the chaos that happens when I am not feeling well. Then, when I was finished filling it and lifted it to transfer it into a proper receptacle, the bottom broke. Garbage everywhere.

When I pressed the coffee, it exploded all over me & the counter & the floor that I had JUST CLEANED BECAUSE GARBAGE EXPLOSION.

When I was cleaning up the floor, I smashed my head on the underside of the counter.

All of this happened as I was listening to the news from the night before – news about vaccine delays and other fuckery.

And then I started laughing, because what else are you going to do?

II. The day did get better. I forced myself to go to bed with the furfaces who decided to attach themselves to my body for the duration of the day/night. There was one point at which I’d had enough of all the body heat they were generating and said “C’mon, y’all! Give me some personal space!” I got up to refill my glass, and when I returned to my spot, they just glomped right back on me in exactly the same position they were before – Sybil in my lap, Salem at my knee, and Sookie along my left thigh.

I don’t know if they needed me or if I needed them, but whatever. I settled in and picked up what they were putting down, which was “Rest, mama. Be still. Breathe.”

III. This happened:

I laughed so much over this, y’all. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t catch my breath.

Only in Canada.

IV. Today I will throw a riot of colour at a 9 x 12 piece of watercolour paper, but not until I’ve had coffee with Renee, eaten something (eggs and toast with some beans and sliced tomatoes, I think), and washed my brushes. I have a thing that’s late because of the back pain & the total refusal to push myself beyond my own limits. I’ll make up for it today, and now that I’ve wrapped my head around what I want to do, I’m really looking forward to it.

V. April in Canada. It was super warm for a couple of days there, and now there’s a chance of snow today and tomorrow. I turned the AC off and the heat back on. We tend to get two false springs before the real thing comes on here in Southwestern Ontario, so I’m used to it, but it does feel a little like mother nature is teasing me.

VI. I found out yesterday that the fantasy fiction writing thing I’m doing *does* have replays available so that’ll be a project for this weekend once I get the work stuff squared away.

VII. I’m really reaching today because *waves at all the sameness* but that’s ok. Ticking “blog” off my list will feel good since it is a commitment I’ve made to myself and sometimes self-loyalty looks like slogging through a thing because you’ve made a commitment to yourself.

VIII. Subtext. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. If I have to guess what’s going on, well, I just won’t anymore. I no longer pursue understanding. I figure if I’m not being told, it’s none of my business. I’ll take what’s offered freely and full-throatedly while I offer the same. I don’t want to have to puzzle out my connections. I don’t want to have to read between the lines.

I feel like sometimes people set you up to do this because they want to feel like they matter. I get that, but it’s too much to ask right now, you know? Do you want to be in my life? Awesome. If you need me to come in after you and beg you to stay, I’m not your huckleberry. The 2020s have taken any desire for anything that isn’t easily and rightfully mine right out of me.

If I have to fight for it, I’m not interested. I’m too tired.

This is new. I like it.

IX. #Goals

X. #Mood

I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook

Anxiety Girl

I. The lower right torso thing seems to be resolving, finally. I’m still a bit tender, but it’s totally manageable. Phew! I’m not dying! Take that anxiety girl!

*Giggles*

II. I have rested myself into a corner of “so behind” though, so I’m annoyed, but I’ll get myself out of it. Today is for playing catchup, though I have to tell you, I’m tempted to go sit on the stoop instead because it’s finally sunny out.

I might do that first – a wee stoop sit and then get to work.

My therapist would approve.

III. How the HELL is it already April 13th and where is this month going???!!! Time is weird.

IV. Journal Jam yesterday was super fun. Catch the replay here if you want. If you want the edited replay, you can find it on Patreon.

V. I worked on these two spreads all weekend. I am obsessed with crows.

VI. I made up the list to slay today and then crossed five things off of it because I recognized that just because I feel like I can push myself today doesn’t mean I should.

My therapist would approve.

VII. WoW with GG tonight. I’m looking forward to it.

VIII. I fell asleep before my fantasy fiction workshop last night and I am super bummed about it. Slept from six ’till eight and missed it. I hope there’s a replay, but I scoured the site and didn’t see anything to indicate that. Woe! I am hoping this doesn’t mean I just drop out. I have this thing I do where if I can’t do a thing perfectly, I don’t do it at all. I’d like to challenge that whole thing pronto, because it doesn’t serve me at all well. Perfection is the enemy of progress, right?

IX. I am craving beans and franks. I don’t understand this at all. I never crave beans and franks. *Puts some on her grocery order anyway*.

X. Sometimes self-loyalty looks like crossing five things off your to-do list.

I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook

Safeword

I. This came across my feed and I felt it in my whoooooole body.

II. My safeword, in this case, is “more, please”.

III. I’m still tender in the lower torso and yesterday, it triggered yet another trauma response, but this one was of the “what if I’m dying variety” so I pretty much clutched my furbabes to me and had a 12-hour panic attack while my brain walked me through how awful it would be for my one and only local friend to find my corpse.

That was fun. NOT.

IV. I’m better this morning, though. Slayed the usual Monday list which includes sending a metric fuck tonne of posts and emails about Journal Jam, which is at 2 p.m. EDT today if you want to join me. 

The replay goes up as a link in The Wilderhood, so if you haven’t joined me there, please do!

GG will be in training to take over for the lovely Myrna, so come on over if you want to say Hi!

V. Chani did it again:

As one phase of togetherness comes to a close, new possibilities for connection emerge. As I grow, I loosen up. As I age, I learn what to let go and what to hold close. As I come into my power, I need validation from others less and less, and I am more and more able to enjoy what they bring without expectations.

I relax into my unions, and more energy moves through them.

I swear, she reads my blog because otherwise HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?

VI. I’m glad for today’s schedule since it is still raining today so all the things I have to do will keep me from pouting about the lack of stoop sitting in the sun. I’ve got Journal Jam at 2 and then a fantasy fiction writing class at 7. Maybe WoW with GG after? We’ll see. Depends on how much my body can stand to be in an upright position.

VII. I am going to drug myself into oblivion tonight, though. I don’t want to do another night like last night, plzkthnxbai.

VIII. I am grateful that I’m not living in a hotspot, but I am also checking the hotspot website obsessively to see if I can get a vaccine. Lawds, I need this to be over soon. My friends and I have shenanigans to plan and execute!

IX. I am almost ready to tackle the disaster that is my studio. I am done with it having this massive corner of chaos. I’m done with the unbuilt bookshelves and the pile of stuff that has no home. I want it to welcome me in rather than chase me out. It’s time.

X. I’m thinking about a trip to a garden center soon for some herbs to plant in pots by my front door, but not until things are a little less terrifying out there.

I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook

 

Witching In All The Ways

I. Yesterday was super busy, but super good despite the lower torso thing that seems to be getting better but slowwwwwwwly. I did a live with my witches, which was awesome, and then LLMJ, which was also awesome. Kimi came over and we watched 2 episodes of New Amsterdam, which was awesome. I ordered a massive thing of nachos. ALSO AWESOME.

CHECK OUT THE GROOT TANK TOP KIMI IS WEARING!! SO AWESOME.

II. Okay, I’ll stop gushing now.

III. I’ve been playing with spirals and doodles, and loving it.

Today, I plan to do more of this.

III. The fantasy fiction workshop I’m taking starts tomorrow evening and I am * so excited* and also grateful that it doesn’t conflict with Journal Jam, which is tomorrow afternoon. GG will be training to take over for Myrna, who has to retire her secretary hat due to new work hours. It will be weird not to have her tracking prompts, but I’m positive GG will do a fine job.

See you there? It’s at 2 p.m. EDT. 

IV. I’ve slayed most of my list for today, which means I get to have some fun flinging paint and swilling chardonnay. This makes for a lovely end to my weekend and I am grateful to past me for getting so much of what needed doing done so present me could enjoy some me-time.

V. I am so happy for everyone getting their vaccines. When people announce that they got their shots, I get quite emotional and also a little bit jealous in a delighted way.

VI. I am eagerly awaiting my turn, and I’m hoping it happens in time for me to have some kind of summer. I’m not expecting to be *fearlessly* out in the world but feeling a little less fearful would be a nice change of pace. I am hoping to break free of the lack of motivation to go anywhere that this long, long quarantine has caused. Maybe lack of motivation is the wrong phrase, though. It’s more like – the outside terrifies me. I do not want it. People breathing near me gives me the creeps. I may never shake hands with anyone again.

Once we’ve reached herd immunity, though? I’m hugging everyone. Prepare to be climbed like a tree.

VII. Also this:

VIII. Meanwhile, though, it’s like this:

IX. It’s New Moon in Aries today. I’ve already done my working since I have to pre-record it for Moonshine, but yesterday, I threw myself in a tub of hot scented water and did a clearing with charcoal soap. Little rituals that keep me attuned feel good lately. Calling in the holy helpers every day. The lit candle. The smoke offering. The tarot draw. It’s lovely to be in the flow, and to be witching in all the ways.

X. Speaking of witching, check this out!