I. This giveaway ends on Monday, so get in there if you want a seat in Renee’s new thing. I am *very* excited to be writing with Renee in Wild Musings, and I know you will love it, too.
II. I got some work done yesterday and then invited Kimi over to sit on the lawn and swill some wine. We also did some laundry because we’re multitaskers like that – her dryer is on the fritz so she washes at her place and dries at mine which is great because it means I put a load in myself.
We were getting settled in the sun on our blankets with the music playing (this Cougar playlist is PERFECT for sunning oneself, y’all) and we were both in a bit of a shitty headspace. There are too many unknowns for both of us right now, and our brain gremlins were threatening to overtake our afternoon.
“Let’s play Yahtzee!” I declared. Grabbed the game and refreshed her memory on how to play.
Eight games later, we packed it in. SO MUCH FUN and I got FIVE Yahtzees, four of which were comprised of FOURS.
It reminded me that my mood is shiftable. I *can* change it, especially if I have a friend around to help.
III. I took a selfie to commemorate the occasion.
IV. After Kimi left, Renee and I Facetimed and somehow we got on the topic of Carly (who was over at Renee’s) and her appearance on Masterchef Canada, so guess what we did?
Girl’s night. We all ordered sushi – them in Vancouver and me in London, and we queued up the show so we could react at the same time and watched a few episodes.
SO MUCH FUN.
I got the sashimi boat so I could share it with my fur babes. Here is my baby land shark enjoying some red snapper.
V. This came up in my feed on Facebook and is today’s plan.
I love Chani’s astrology stuff for the long view, but Storm pops up in my feed just at the perfect moment on a regular basis. Find Storm here.
VI. GG got a job and I am super stoked for him! CONGRATULATIONS GG!!!
VII. Sometime before summer ends, I’m going to switch my place around so my studio is in the larger room (living room) and my bed is in the smaller room (bedroom). This will mean I can grab my easel from GG’s place and get set up for canvas again. It will also mean I won’t feel claustrophobic in my workspace, which is definitely a thing right now. This room is too small for everything that’s in it PLUS my clothes closet is in here which means *that corner* is always full of laundry either coming or going and it’s just chaos. I think the switcheroo will feel good.
It’s going to be a lot of work, though. I’ve lived here for a year now and I haven’t really done much to organize this space after I unpacked it in a frenzy so I could get back to work.
Kimi will help, though, and I know we’ll make short work of it.
VIII. I’m obsessed with sunflowers right now.
For Kaleidoscope 2021 – Bonus lesson. (Use coupon code COLOUR2021 for a discount!)
For Moonshine 2021 – August. Get this tutorial on Patreon in the “Moonshine Lite” level.
IX. Podcasts and art today + the dishes + a load of laundry to fold and put away. I might run a couple of loads through, too, which will put me at *zero laundry*. This never happens. That could feel like a victory.
It’s the little things.
X. This weekend will be gentle and kind. I declare it.
I. There’s a lot I want to say about Anthony Bourdain but I’m not ready so I’m just putting this in here as a placeholder and a reminder to self. Write it out, bebe. When you’re ready.
II. This giveaway will close on Sunday. Get your name in.
I painted this ahead of Full Moon in Aquarius. She is layered with things I am releasing and a willingness to listen for that still, small voice that will answer this question.
I’ve decided that this will be my next tattoo. Just the question “What’s next?”
Feels like an anchor.
IV. I’ve been struggling with my base line. I want it to be higher than “not holding my guts in today”. I want it to be somewhere approaching “content”. I’ll even settle for “not too shabby”.
I’m working on it.
V. Therapy rode me hard and put me up wet yesterday but I discovered that if I use these Burt’s Bees facial wipes to wipe and cool my face while I’m crying. I do not end up with the usual truck smashed my face in look that I usually get after crying. They’re cucumber scented and they really help.
VI. Kimi and I were talking this morning about the fact that it is almost August already and we haven’t had ANY FUCKING FUN.
Must fix that. I need a beach day or something. For now, though, we’re going to sit on the lawn and swill rose.
VII. This got painted yesterday because it was The Magdalene’s feast day. “Oh lamp of the world, oh gleaming pearl. Pray for us.”
VIII. Anthony, and my delayed response to his passing. It’s been three years and I’m just now starting to feel it which says something about how trauma impacts my ability to move through grief. He is not the kind of mirror I would wish to gaze into but there he is with his gaping void on full display in twelve seasons of Parts Unknown. The constant seeking. The grappling.
I get him. He would have gotten me.
I will make it, though.
IX. These words came out of my mouth yesterday and they made me furious. “I swear to god the only reason I am still alive is to spite my mother, who used to tell me I’d be dead by the time I was 21.”
X. I am, as ever, alive in hope.
I. I spent a few days in the studio puttering around and doing art for myself and it was gorgeous.
II. I ducked out of socials and anything too stressful so I could find my way back to some kind of center. I think there’s some energy in the collective around our reopening that’s hitting me uncomfortably. I do not want to emerge yet. I’m not ready. I need to stay in this quiet place for a while longer and be in communion with myself.
III. This came out of one of my quiet moments. She is giving me life.
IV. I did a thing.
It’s a bad screenshot of Zoom video, but LOOK AT MY HAIRS! Not as vibrant as I expected, but I actually like it like this. I do have a flash lightening kit so if I want to go a little more extreme, I can. (This is Extreme Teal Overtone, btw. I have medium blonde hair + gray, so if you have the same you might want to bleach before you use it).
V. Renee is doing a thing and I am VERY STOKED about it.
If you like the way I write (without worrying about a theme or “tying it all together” and just documenting my life) this is going to be your jam.
I am not an affiliate, but Renee is my witch adjacent so she gave me a seat to give away! Comment below and tell me why you want to join the course and I’ll pick someone to gift the seat to.
VI. I know I usually go for ten things, but I am feeling pressed today. A live with the witches. A spread to finish for said witches for August 1st. A pile of laundry. A dog to finish grooming.
Where did July go? How is it already the 21st? What is happening?
Anyway, enter below if you want to come write with us.
I. The sun is supposed to come out – at least partially – at about 11 a.m. this morning, and I’m craving it. Then, another five days of rain in the forecast. At least it isn’t sweltering here.
II. Did a bunch of work yesterday and then settled into my studio with a journal and some paint and started working on this:
I have no idea where she came from, but I like her attitude.
I can think of a few people I’d look at just like this if they turned up in my vicinity.
III. I need more evenings like yesterday, that are all about being in my feels on the page. I think I’ll finish this one today once I get the one last thing that’s on my list to slay for this week done and sent off where it needs to go. Also, some dishes since I took something I ordered in a few days ago (accidentally got a family-sized serving of rice and lamb) and turned it into a massive batch of soup to freeze so it wouldn’t go to waste, which means there are now more dishes to do. My bedside table is a mess, too, and my altar is buried in an unsorted witch box subscription and some clothes that I got delivered from SHEIN. I also want a soak in the tub at some point. <——brain dump. Boring, I know, but sometimes in order to sort my day out I have to dump it like this.
It’ll all get done. I’m not in a panic over it. I’m just super grateful that I live in such a tiny place because I don’t know how I’d keep up if this place were much bigger.
IV. Heard from a friend I haven’t heard from in over a year (The Texan Ex) and as usual, it was nice to reconnect with someone who knows me as well as he knows me. He made me cry and then made me laugh and maybe we won’t go a year between messages this time, eh? I’d love to have him come up here and explore my world with me a little bit. That could be so much fun. It’s also fun to have the prospect of a couch to crash on in Austin should I ever decide to head that way.
V. I ordered some Overtone in Extreme Teal and Extreme Purple, and I am thinking about doing some stripes of it here and there in my hair.
Renee has been talking about how amazing she feels after getting thirteen inches of her hair chopped off, and I’m over here like “Hmmmmmm…..”. The trauma of the move is in my hair. The breakup is in my hair. The pandemic is in my hair.
But I always regret cutting my hair, so I am going to sit on it for a while before making any kind of drastic change. Colour, though. Colour, I can play with with no regrets.
VI. Ontario is going into phase 3 of our reopening on Friday, and I’m cautiously optimistic about it.
VII. The brainmeats are actually pretty quiet today, which I’ll take as a boon.
VIII. Thinking about some changes I want to make next year so that I’m doing more live teaching and less pre-recorded teaching. Lives are fun for me – way more interactive and way less work. I’m working on outlining a live weekend workshop where we’ll make a journal jam deck together and then do a live jam. Should be fun.
IX. This feels like a good place to end today since I am reaching for things to say. I hope you have a gorgeous day today and find some time to be creative.
I. Yesterday’s total shut down to rest and recoup after my oops was excellent. I watched a LOT of TikTok, checked in with beloveds, and did nothing productive. This wee TikTok that I made makes me laugh out loud. Those lips? That’s a filter, but it did make me think way longer than I’ve ever thought before about lip plumping glosses. Heh. :)
II. Today I woke up and said, out loud, “Today we make PDFs” and then I made coffee and proceeded to make PDFs. A Year Of Mary is done and ready to go up on July 15th. My lesson for Kaleidoscope is almost finished (late, as always, but Tam and I have a deal where we are allowed to be late with the things we create for one another’s offerings because there’s a lot of trust there after 10 years of working together!), and I am *super excited* about it because I am an excellent teacher. Get a discount on Kaleidoscope when you use coupon code COLOUR2021
This was the bonus I created for the class wherein I worked with colours I don’t necessarily love.
I’m not saying I’ve completely resolved my issues with yellow, which is a colour that can make me extraordinarily anxious, but I love this painting so much that I’m thinking about doing an entire page of these in my journal for BOD2021.
III. I’ve never been a headachey person, but since my vaccine, I’ve been having headaches regularly. I’m not complaining. Just noticing. Headaches are better than dead from COVID, so I’m glad I’m vaccinated. Today is one week since my last dose. In one more week I will have full protection and the world will feel like a safer place.
IV. I appreciate the availability of the vaccines in Canada, but I dearly wish we would be more proactive about making sure the rest of the world gets them, too. The virus will continue to mutate as long as there are unprotected people getting it, and one of these mutations might be vaccine-resistant. I do not get why people do not get this. Let’s get everyone the protection they need so this virus can fuck the fuck off already.
V. My dishes are done. I feel good about it. There’s a lot more I have to do to claw this space back, but baby steps are *steps*.
VI. I am starving but I don’t know what I want to eat. Libra much?
VII. Renee. Sarah. Airmid. Kimi. Dani. Deb. Sera. Sal. Julie.
My women friends are life.
VIII. It has been raining for weeks and while I appreciate the explosion of green this always brings on, I want a day where I can lay out on the lawn in my new bathing suit and read a book and swill autumn blush with ice and maybe even nap.
IX. I am craving the beach. Who am I anymore anyway?
X. Now that the squirrel has availed himself of all he wants from the birdfeeder, the birds have been visiting and it makes me ridiculously happy.
I. I’m not feeling the hottest today because I went over the “microdose” line into a “minidose” of Golden Teacher during a moon in moonchild and got sideswiped by all my feels. All of them. All at once. Airy sat with me over text sending me songs for hours, and then GG had me hop on Discord where he played DJ. Airy joined us and they kept me anchored to the planet until midnight or so when I finally felt like I could face the insides of my eyeballs without shooting off into outer space.
Today is very mellow and sheepish as a result, so if you are expecting anything at all from me today, I am decidedly NOT your huckleberry.
II. I miss my daughter, who is not speaking to me for reasons she has not gone into. Adult children. Sheesh. Am I right? Thankfully, the other ones are kind and present and allow me to be human, so that takes some of the sting out of it, but not all of the sting, and I am, frankly, tired of feeling stung. I also miss my sister, my fest family, Anthony Bourdain, live music, and my muppet, who better come visit me when the border opens or I am going to have a fucking tantrum.
III. I ended a friendship a few weeks ago because it came up in therapy after a week of obsessing over why i was feeling the way I was feeling about it and as I was recounting what all had gone down with this person since very early on in the pandemic, I realized that I did not want her anywhere near me anymore. I didn’t want her having access to me or my emotions. I didn’t want her projections or her borderline “come here, go away” behaviour. I didn’t want to see her in my feed. I didn’t want her in my inbox. I didn’t want her *anywhere near me*.
My therapist was relieved to hear this because my therapist has *never* liked this person for me. Never. She has always gotten that look on her face when I’ve shared stories about how this person has responded to me, and even though she would never outright tell me what to do, she has made it abundantly clear that I deserve better in a friendship.
It took a year, but I finally listened.
I have a pretty good idea of why this person is not good for me but I also realized (and this is huge) that I didn’t *have* to understand why I wanted to end it. I just had to honour that feeling and get it done.
When you know you know, and I knew.
The INFJ door slam is a real thing, y’all.
IV. Kimi is off to New Brunswick for at least a week due to a family emergency and I miss her already.
V. Thank god for zooms with Renee and the art winos and the art witches.
VI. I am waiting on a massive burrito bowl with baked sweet potato. I don’t know what’s up with me but I’ve gone off meat for the most part. Once a week, maybe, I’ll have a little, but I want crisp salads and veggies of all kinds, and watermelon spears and cheese and pickles. Maybe it’s a new summer thing for me, or maybe that’s just what my body wants right now. Either way, I’m enjoying it.
VII. I get four witch box subscriptions delivered to me every month because I love having a bunch of things to pick and choose from to keep or gift. Also I deserve to have presents delivered to my door. Witch boxes are fun because they inspire me to think about my spiritual life, and also because I like witchy clutter. It’s a whole aesthetic for me to have witchy things hanging out on every available surface. I’m expecting to take delivery on one today, I think. I’m very excited.
VIII. I still miss 42, and I am not sure if that’s ever going to go away. It didn’t help that he kept showing up in my “suggested accounts to follow” on TikTok, where I spend a lot of my time. This morning, I blocked him so that won’t happen again, and that was a wise but painful decision. Why is the wise decision always the painful one?
Adulthood. Am I right? Sheesh.
Anyway, it’s definitely not as searingly painful as it once was, but I have so many unanswered questions. When did he know? How long did he lead me on for? What was he waiting for? Why did I feel like I was being cheated on? Lied to? What the fuck actually happened?
And fuck all that twin flame shit for keeping me in it for much longer than was good for me and fuck anyone who shills that shit because it is harmful garbage.
Anyway. That’s enough of that. It’s been almost a year, ffs. I know grief doesn’t have a timeline but I would like to have a day when I do not think about him. I would like to have a day that isn’t shot through with grief.
IX. Maybe I’m just the kind of person that needs to get under someone new before I can get over someone. I don’t like that possibility but if that’s the way it is, then that’s the way it is. Maybe what I need is to be swept off my feet and loved the way I deserve to be loved before I can heal. Or maybe I need to have a hot girl summer and throw my body and sensuality around like the world is ending. I dunno.
X. If I’m being honest, I’d like to be swept off my feet again, but for the last time. I don’t think I’m quite ready for that, but I think I’m heading in that direction. I have not been able to consider someone else without there being a terrible sense of wrongness about it because the only eyes I have wanted on my face are his. The only hands I have wanted on my body are his. The only voice I want to greet me in the morning is his.
Butandalso having all of that came with a lot of disappointment and mistrust, so, yanno.
Why does love always have to be so complicated and do we ever grow out of longing for it despite the way it always seems to knock us for a loop?
Therapy this coming Thursday after a break due to scheduling conflicts.
A spell for new moon in Moonchild